<p>My oldest is attending a competitive university in a large city 1000 miles from our hometown and has just passed the mid-term of his first semester. He has a roommate and is living in a freshman dorm. </p>
<p>My husband visited him for Parents Weekend; I haven’t been able to visit him myself yet. My son came home for his short fall break a few weeks ago; he said it felt great, but unreal, to be home, and was hard to go back. He won’t be able to come home for Thanksgiving, but a friend who is attending another college in the region is planning to stay with my son in his dorm during Thanksgiving. My son will be home for a three-week winter break in five weeks.</p>
<p>Five positives:<br>
(1) My son says he’s still faithfully attending class and has kept his grades to B’s or better.<br>
(2) When my husband visited, he observed plenty of friendly interactions between my son and others in his dorm.<br>
(3) My son belongs to a student-organized music group that meets several times a week that he enjoys.
(4) His college and city are a draw for his friends, and so he’s getting a few feelers here and there asking if friends can visit him over a weekend.
(5) He has a friend in her 20’s from our hometown who went to the same university who might be open to calling him to talk about the transition.</p>
<p>In our last call, I asked my son to make extra effort to visit the campus health service, because he sounds worn out or sick, and to work with his RA on some roommate issues, because he and his roommate are out of sync on housecleaning and sleeping hours. </p>
<p>I’m wondering about making a weekend visit myself before his winter break…What stories or advice can you share about visiting a homesick college freshman?</p>
<p>Don’t do it…it sounds like he is doing ok. Try skype instead. The next best thing to being there, IMO. 5 weeks is nothing…he’ll be home before you know it, proud of himself for making it through the first, and toughest term, all by himself. Like the adult you raised him to be!</p>
<p>Good luck. I miss my kids too, and would run to them in a heartbeat if I thought there was something seriously wrong. But it would have to be really, really serious to get me to travel that far, that close to a school vacation.</p>
<p>Last year, a friend of the family committed suicide and S1 was unable to get home for the funeral (mid-terms). I felt like we needed a little “circling of the wagons” as a family to check in, comfort each other and just be in each other’s presence. We met in S1’s city and went out to a really nice dinner (ie looong, quiet and an experience). It was the best thing we did. S1 gave me a long hug when we were leaving and said how much he had needed that, even though he didn’t know at the time how it was affecting him. If you can afford a short trip (overnight) I say do it - family is the most important relationship and everyone needs a little mom-time sometimes.</p>
<p>I think sometimes they overdo things in college - up very late cramming, out partying, lots of activity in the dorms. My son has definitely been worn out and sick and has been to the health center twice! And he never gets sick. Now, granted, he joined a fraternity and that had taken a tremendous amount of his time. I don’t think being homesick has been an issue for him as his school is only 1 1/2 hours away and he’s been home a number of times and he has had a steady stream of visitors from HS buddies - down for the football games. But I do know he’s not getting enough sleep and not eating well.</p>
<p>Do you know for sure he’s homesick or otherwise having adjustment problems?</p>
<p>I’m sorry, somehow I omitted a critical point in my original post. In my last few conversations with him, he’s been more than a little weepy (unusual for him). He says he feels like the environment there is a lot more noisy and grimy, he doesn’t have the close friends he enjoyed in high school, hasn’t yet worked out concerns that have arisen with the roommate, thinks that it would be easier to transfer to our hometown university. … I talked to him about seven hours later, though, and he shared a list he made to cheer himself up: </p>
<p>“Things that are better about college
The joy of getting a notice that you have a package to pick up
Pulling warm laundry out of the dryer”</p>
<p>Send him a package for Thanksgiving. Encourage him to spend time with friends outside of his room.
Freshman year roommates can be a true nightmare. It is hard for the kids who are used to have a room of their own in a quiet house to live with a total stranger in a dorm, even if they are a “good match”… We were 0/3 in that department, with 1 being a real disaster.
Encourage your son to make some roommate plans for next year well in advance. Just knowing that his living situation will greatly improve may lift his spirit.</p>
<p>My son loves his college, has good friends, is an upper class-man, has his own house and is very independent. But on occasion when things pile up he will say to me he wishes he could just be home. Heck, once and while I wish I could “go home” and have my mom take care of me!</p>
<p>Seeing as that he’s been away 3-4 months and had a perental visit and been home and will have a friend visit next week, I wouldn’t go now unless I feared for his safety. Along with providing comfort by calling often and sending care packages which is great, I think it’s also important to convey you know he’ll adjust and be fine.</p>
<p>The friend might be really helpful. If the friend has made an easy adjustment and loves college, and is envious of your DS’s location and they get out and have fun, your DS’s view of the world could rapidly change.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry your son is having some growing pains. It’s hard when you can’t see them and know they are okay, you have to go on faith (and gut instinct).
This is an article from USAToday that relates the ‘turkey-drop’ not only to pre college relationships but adjustments to college. Although written last fall I still think some of the information is applicable.
[A</a> feast of doubts for college freshmen come Thanksgiving - USATODAY.com](<a href=“http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2009-11-12-TurkeyDrop12_ST_N.htm]A”>http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2009-11-12-TurkeyDrop12_ST_N.htm)
I hope the next few weeks will fly by and the spring semester will find your son feeling more at home and comfortable.</p>
<p>Student chiming in. I am not one to get too particularly homesick, however I do find that it is very emotionally difficult to shift back and forth from being home or being with my parents and being at school by myself. I am happy at school, I am happy at home, but it is always emotionally jarring to switch back and forth. Some people aren’t like that but I would be looking for what effects the visits are having on him and consider that when making the decision whether or not to go. For students like me, it’s a relief to see my mom when I miss her a lot, but saying goodbye again sometimes puts me in a worse place than before the visit, it’s hard to downshift back to being alone again without getting upset. Too much back and forth makes it hard to adjust. If he is a student that seems refreshed and more able to handle college after a visit then I would encourage it, but make sure it’s not making him more homesick.</p>
<p>It is so hard to be far away from your kids . Even when they seem to be adjusting well , they still sometimes miss the little things from home ( like quiet , clean and good food )</p>
<p>I think my two girls adjusted very well ( one has graduated and been living 3000 miles from home ) Still , sometimes when the chips are down , mother is the one who gets the call about what is troubling them…and the urge to get on a plane and rush out ( or up ) to where they are is strong.</p>
<p>And to be honest, I have done just that…I think you need to trust your instincts and make the decision based on what your gut tells you to do. What’s the harm in just letting your child know that you are there for support if they really need it ?</p>
<p>We had a long discussion with D before she made her final college choice last spring. If she wanted to go a long distance away (Dallas to DC) then she had to understand that we could not visit and she could only come home at Christmas. She decided that she could handle it. Over all, my D is having a great time at college, but I still get the occasional “Mommy” call. Usually when she is tired, or stressed, or sick. She was a little bummed at fall break when all her friends were going home and she stayed in the dorm. Luckily, she has found a friend to go home with for Thanksgiving, plus her “godfathers” have invited her to their home for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner. I know she’s counting the days until Christmas break, but I think it will get easier every semester. I know it did for me and I was in the same boat she was when I was in college.</p>
<p>Your son is in the process of working this all out for himself. The signs are all there that he can do it.</p>
<p>It is one of life’s biggest transitions. Allow him the opportunity to achieve something here. Believe that he can work this out himself - whatever way he works it out (most likely staying just where he is; possibly making a change… but let that come only from him). </p>
<p>Of course, he doesn’t have the close friendships he had at home… he has been there 12 weeks. He made those other friendships over several/many years. Many many freshmen go through this - they think it is a personal failing that they haven’t made super-close friendships; “everyone” around them seems to have done so. The key word here is “seems.” </p>
<p>You are providing, imo, the perfect support he needs right now; just by being at the other end of the phone. He talks to you; he “dumps” his feelings. I don’t mean that he is wrong to dump; he isn’t… he is going to the person where he knows he can let these feelings out. But after he talks to you, he is able to take a step forward. Witness the call you and he had 7 hours after the tough one. </p>
<p>Let him know that you see the steps forward he is making and that you believe in him.</p>
<p>I would NOT go and visit him. A better way to spend the $$, if you wish to, is to buy him a ticket home for Thanksgiving. You will feel better and so will he. If the logistics of him coming home for Thanksgiving is too tough (flights and airports are so congested on the Wed/Sun around Thanksgiving)… then go and visit him for Thanksgiving. Go out to a restaurant or whatever. Even if the rest of your family has to “fend for themselves”… it’s an option.</p>
<p>All of this sounds very typical. The first few months can be rough and there will be homesickness, numerous second thoughts and complaints. That should all settle down within a few months and then the kids usually adapt and the concerns subside.</p>
<p>Parents have a role in this. We can send care packages. We listen and offer sympathetic responses. WE DO NOT GIVE ADVICE. We do not tell our college kids what to do and how to go about their lives. We can offer suggestions, but only few and far between. Mostly we just listen. Believe me it will work out better this way for both kids and parents.</p>
<p>A wise friend, with two kidss ahead of mine in school, told me this story/gave me this advice when my S entered college:</p>
<p>Her D/S would call her from school, upset. Some crisis was in progress in her life, homesickness was bothering him… whatever. My friend would lie awake for 3 nights, worry about her child, trying to figure out the best solution/course of action to help.</p>
<p>On the 4th morning, with the solution clearly thought through, my friend would call her S/D… only to be greeted with a “huh??” response. Kid had totally forgotten what the crisis of 3 days ago was all about.</p>
<p>I know this is not precisely transferable to the OP situation. But I still think it is relevant and hope it is helpful. We are their sounding board; they don’t realize how greatly we worry when they share their problems with us. But - and this is the key thing - we tend to think we need to rescue them. We don’t. And if we try too soon, we risk making the problem bigger than it is. And we risk robbing them of the ability to grow in the face of these life transitions… which they <em>can</em> handle. </p>
<p>And, as I said in my earlier post, your S has really already shown you that he has the coping skills and is using them. Be proud.</p>
<p>Sounds like your son is grounded and doing a respectable job of adapting to college life. The long holiday break is a great time for moms (and dads) to kick into parent-mode again, cooking and caring for them so they can re-charge for the new semester. Sprinkle that with a dose of ‘we’re so proud of all you have accomplished and how well you have adjusted to college life’ and he’ll be ready and excited to get back to his home-away-from-home. Best wishes to you and your family.</p>