was labor worse?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>ately it seems I have been running into someone almost everyday- that makes me thankful for the web and the knowledge I have accumulated re colleges- although worries me, how I will use it to guide my D ( who already knows * everything* and so she really doesnt’ even need to go to college, only she wants to get away from* me* )</p>

<p>This is what I am hearing a lot of
Many people ( parents) who now that their kids have the acceptances in, are * now* looking into financial aid to see how they are going to pay for it.
( Schools like , Barnard, UChicago & Reed- I am assuming that since they didn’t get huge aid packages, that their EFC is fairly high)</p>

<p>Also- many, many * many* students, who had been attending UC schools, Cal, UCSC,… where they had attended for one or two years, * loved it* but are now at the UW, because their parents just couldn’t afford it anymore.</p>

<p>THis makes me sad- I would hate for my D, to have found a school where she loved, and have to leave. I really want to have all my bases covered so that we find both a school where she can do well & that we can afford.</p>

<p>It doesn’t really surprise me though.
I know that from listening to parents- so many have the attitude that the hard part is getting in ( if they even consider that difficult, they may not realize that it is much more competitive than when they were in school)</p>

<p>Colleges of course have lots of money & everyone gets a scholarship
( although if the costs are $40,000 and 100% of students get $1,800, that scholarship isn’t going to make too big of a dent in expenses)</p>

<p>My own daughter- also seems to have little concept of what expenses are.
The schools which interest her, are schools that defer students with higher scores and GPA than she has. Despite my stressing, that even if we find a school with good aid, that better academics will help her to get grants instead of loans, she thinks I am a worrywart.
I realize some of this she is going to have to learn for herself- so I can’t help but feel I am heading up the first steep hill of a large rollercoaster- anticipating the lurch in the pit of my stomach.</p>

<p>I know there are many many areas where “we” have difficulty reconciling reality, with the way we want it to be.
But I can’t finish this- cause now I have to give her a ride- but does anyone else just want to go far far away and pretend you have little kids who have easily met needs?</p>

<p>The reference to “labor” because that was something- that I wished would just stop for 5 minutes so I could catch my breath- something that I kinda feel like I am in now- except I am sending my “child out into the world” not pushing her out of my body.</p>

<p>( I don’t know- maybe its the weather- yesterday it was 79 degs but I had too many things to do- today it is back to grey and drizzly :frowning: )</p>

2

<p>…and we just had a blizzard! The hyacinths are buried in snow. Too strange.</p>

<p>Went through this last year with my one and only. Labor is worse. Really. </p>

<p>But labor is happier (if you can get past all the *$&@! pain), because at this stage, if we have done our jobs well, we lose! (These wonderful creatures leave us.)</p>

<p>That’s not very helpful is it? But I think it is the unvarnished truth.</p>

3

<p>I will post my favorite saying…</p>

<p>“To have a child is to decide to have your heart forever walk around outside your body.” </p>

<p>Kids don’t get this…they really do not understand why we have hopes and dreams for them…we are having some angst right now over summer jobs… too many eggs in 1 internship basket that didn’t pan out… hoping some of the other good paying jobs will pan out… past 3 summers have been great but that is in the past!! Have hinted that maybe the student needs to pay more to drive greater sense of urgency on the job…time will tell…I say small prayers for strength and guidance and patience, in all honesty. </p>

<p>we had a classic experience just in the last 24 hrs…chaperoned a party last nite…for youngest child…who was very unhappy and even threatened not to go if we went… we felt we had to… 80+ kids… 16th birthday party… turns out there was a small altercation… very glad we were there to help stop it before it got ugly… so, now youngest is very happy with us… cause we were needed…hindsight is always 20/20, yes? </p>

<p>I do think CC is a tremendous wealth of info on financial aid, merit aid, etc etc and I know we will be smarter with our youngest, vs our oldest for every aspect of this college journey.</p>

4

<p>Remember how we took childbirth classes before labor? Wouldn’t it have been great if we could have taken financial classes when they were toddlers?</p>

<p>The only advice that I can give you is to sit down with your daughter and say, “This is how much we can pay, and this is how much we’re willing to borrow - and ‘we’ includes you. Anything more will need to be met by scholarship or your working during the year/summer. You can apply anywhere you want, but just realize that getting in doesn’t mean you can go. It all depends on financial aid.” And keep saying that. And make sure that she has some “financial” safeties as well as academic safeties - those that you can afford if she doesn’t get any aid. Having this conversation early and often can lessen some inevitable heartbreak.</p>

5

<p>Can’t really comment of the labor part, let me ask my wife. Oh wait, she wouldn’t know either (2 C-sections). Can you get a guidance counselor to give your D a reality check? I am sure if someone other than her mother gave her the identical speech she would probably nod sagely and thank that person for the helpful advice.</p>

6

<p>NJres- C-section moms have “labor” AFTER the delivery (though some really lucky moms get to have both)</p>

7

<p>What Chedva said.</p>

<p>But in addition, maybe you could take advantage of your daughter’s desire for indepedence (getting away from you). The reason you are telling her the financial realities up front and insisting that she include financial safeties in her list is that you understand her desire to go away to college and you don’t want her to inadvertently get stuck in a situation where she would have to commute to save money.</p>

8

<p>though some really lucky moms get to have both)</p>

<p>my sister had a section after a long labor- that would have been gawdawful
I had two seperate- one crash section- ( emergency-no labor- 10 weeks early)
one term VBAC.
But you are right- in labor- you know that * sometime* it has to end, even if it doesn’t feel like it-
But I did feel more prepared though- lots more books and classes and resources to prepare for a baby.
There certainly are lots of resources to prepare on getting your child ready for college- but unlike birthing- where mom is the one who is getting herself prepared- sending one off to college of course requires the cooperation of the child- and they seem to have a different idea than mom.</p>

<p>( I have had some conversations with D about money- I think I need to write it down though- because it is hard for her to take things in verbally-I also suggested to her, only half teasing, that we should have her sister go to grad school- because from reading other threads, it seems that when D# applies to school, even though her sister is now independent, if she is in grad school, she counts as a student -actually- I think that is a very good idea- because if she is going to go anyway- she might as well go- when her sister is in college- because otherwise our EFC goes way up)</p>

9

<p>Chedva – Great point! Part of the childbirth prep classes should be a stern warning to new parents about saving for college. Tell them to put back that 4th and 5th Christmas present, skip the $5000 swing set no one uses, cancel the kitchen renovation…</p>

10

<p>Good advice Chedva.
However, while it may lessen the heartache, it does not eliminate it by any means! We had that conversation many times. Our D. was admitted to some fantastic schools, but with little aid. So now, we are looking at our financial safety. No matter how much it may be okay, it is still a heartache to know she reached for the stars, and they are at her grasp…but cannot be afforded (and be financially responsible at the same time). Actually, her financial safety is a fantastic school too! (It just wasn’t her dreams). Next year I’m sure all will be okay. She is very resilient, and tends to be happy in whatever comes her way. Parents all want their children’s dreams to come true, however.</p>

11

<p>I missed the LaMaze classes- I had the premie the day of the first one (and being a physician, I knew too much, too many possible complications…ignorance is bliss in some situations, also, knowledge doesn’t make the pain any better…).</p>

<p>I agree about the college bit requiring the cooperation of the child. You could literally pick your 2 year old up when their strong will was getting them in trouble; it is impossible to make a teenager see logic or do anything if they don’t want to…</p>