<p>Just wondering if anyone else has gone through the foster care training and parenting? I am in the process of an out of state situation with relatives. It is awful, and not for the faint of heart, and not for the short of patience, (my experience).</p>
<p>My H and I were foster parents for 5 years / 25 kids. Most were “emergency placements” for just a weekend or up to a couple months. About 8 or so were longer - 3-12 months. Our youngest foster child was 5 days old, our oldest was 17 years. </p>
<p>We stopped when our (biological) boys reached their teen years. Since the vast majority of foster kids have been sexually abused, acting out is common, and foster parents and siblings are often (wrongly) accused by the kids themselves, or their families wanting to “get even”. My H was willing to take on that risk for himself, but we were not willing to expose our boys to that risk.</p>
<p>During the 5 years we fostered, we were required to attend a 25 hour training course, multiple home visits, lengthy interviews, and a certain number (can’t remember now - 8? 10?) hours of continuing ed per year. In addition, I edited the county newsletter, got certified to legally represent special ed kids who were in state custody within the school system, and chaired the legislative committe, working for some needed changes in the system.</p>
<p>When I left foster care, I worked for a year as a family advocate for SED kids within the mental health system.</p>
<p>If any of this experience could be helpful to you, I’d be happy to share details.</p>
<p>Binx…wow!!! You are very experienced, and I am sure as we progress through the ICPC maze, I just may have individual questions for you. Is it okay if I Private Message you when things come up?</p>
<p>Absolutely. Happy to help.</p>
<p>binx, you made my day. I love hearing about good foster parents.</p>
<p>That’s very admirable, binx.</p>
<p>I have never been a foster parent, but I was <em>in</em> foster care. I lived with wonderful foster parents. There are vastly more good foster parents than bad. My foster parents put in a LOT of work… and imo I wasn’t a difficult foster child to deal with lol, but just the entire process is very hard… it takes a special sort of person to be willing to go through all that.</p>
<p>“it takes a special sort of person to be willing to go through all that.”</p>
<p>dis-grace, I agree. You go binx! I was just “talking” about that on another board.</p>
<p>You’re all very kind, but I don’t feel all that special. I think the idea of needing to be something special might be one of the reasons there is such a shortage of homes available. Mostly it is a willingness to fit another child into your life, with the understanding that there will be times when you give a whole lot more than you get. And other times the reverse is true.</p>
<p>We fostered non-relatives, and I spent a lot of time initially feeling inadequate and even guilty. I could write a book - but it really wouldn’t be anything that hasn’t been written already! Most FCs come with problems - possibly from a lifetime of abuse, but perhaps simply from the experience of being yanked out of their homes and lives and dropped off at a complete stranger’s house. It was a challenge to consistently love and care for kids who seemed intent on destroying my home and family! So often my frustrations were met with platitudes from the social workers that only made me feel more guilty or inadequate: “But they’re so cute! You have to remember what they’ve gone through. Remember, you’re the adult here. Just be firm…”</p>
<p>Once, one of my sons asked me why the fc was unhappy with us, since we were so nice and all. I asked S if he’d like to live with his best friend’s parents. He thought that would be cool! Then I asked him if he’d like to live there every day and night, never see us again, have those people be the ones to make all the rules he had to obey, feed him foods he didn’t like, make him switch schools, be the ones to kiss him goodnight, etc. Suddenly it didn’t sound so good.</p>
<p>We worked with an excellent psychologist, which helped a lot. We also had a good church, and many helpful friends. Although I don’t necessarily agree with the “it takes a village” concept completely, it is definitely true for foster care. A support system is crucial. It doesn’t come from the state. They try, but problems within the system are deep-seated.</p>
<p>The other board is for Physicians, where the use of psychiatric medications takes a regular beating. Recently a few states have investigated overuse of tranquilizers in foster children. While I have major issues with this practice, (but have used them with some very disturbed children in that situation), I also appreciate what some families are dealing with. Kudos to you binx, for contributing to the village. Can you say why you did it?</p>
<p>Here’s a brief attempt to explain:</p>
<p>When I was in college (nursing), I worked as a substitute housparent for the Western PA school for the blind. At that time kids who were “merely blind” were mainstreamed. This school had kids who were blind, deaf, and generally brain-damaged in some way. A sickening number of them had gotten that way via abuse. The stories were horrendous.</p>
<p>After my H and I were married, we discussed ways we could “be part of the solution.” It was never a good time - new babies, moving, etc. When my youngest (of 3) turned a year old, my H went back to school. I pulled out of all other commitments then because I knew I needed to be doing the vast majority of the parenting. Then it occurred to me that if I were so single-minded about my kids at that point, what was another one or two, and perhaps I needed to quit making excuses? My H agreed, so we began investigating options. We got our first placement (2 preschool sisters) just before D turned 2.</p>
<p>(H never did finish his masters!)</p>
<p>My parents were foster parents while I was in college. My mom was a aide in a school for children with multiple handicaps. When one girl was being put up by her newly divorced parents, mom volunteered to take her in. My first foster sister had Downs, there were two others at different times. Mom never had more than two at a time. The paperwork was tremendous. First girl lived with parents from age 5 to 22 or 23, when her mom took her back to live with her. Seems like mom was always having to take classes and keep paperwork together. She quit when she was in her 60’s because she felt she didn’t have the energy. Mom always said that she had healthy children and wanted to give back. It was very hard for mom to see girl leave, she chose not to keep in direct contact because she felt it would hurt everyone too much. Mom still gets updates from others though.
Thanks for doing foster care, there were lots of not so good homes out there.</p>
<p>I was never in foster care. I attended the Indiana school for the blind from the ages of four to fourteen. I only saw my family on weekends, Christmas, spring and summer breaks.</p>
<p>My dorm parent’s were like second moms, they would do anything for me. I could talk to them about things that I did not feel comfortable telling my friends. My favorite dorm parents were Mrs. Alice and Mrs. Lacy. </p>
<p>In Lambert Hall, early elementary school, my dorm parent was Mrs. Alice. She taught us a variety of games to play after school. After shower time, she would do our hair in braids and curls. She always gave us healthy treats after school and on special occasions we got candy bars for a snack. </p>
<p>In Wilson Hall, late elementary school, the dorm parents were nice and friendly. I just never felt the close connection to them that I had with the other dorm parents. They did not have the personality, where I felt that I could open up to them and tell them personal things. They did not interact very well with the girls in the dorm. They mainly stayed in the dorm parents office doing paper work and only came out if there was a problem in the dorm. </p>
<p>In J dorm, middle school, Mrs. Lacy, was my dorm parent. She was very laid back, real easy to get to know. We switched bedrooms halfway through the school year. We went unsupervised to the different activities at recreation time. All you had to do was check in with her after school, then you could go to your afternoon activities or hang out with friends in the dorm.</p>
<p>We had close neighbors who are foster parents- who IMO were very good.
Amazingly patient though- as you need to be, as it is very challenging.
They had no birth children- but eventually moved to a less populated area, so they could house and care for more children at a time.</p>
<p>I also have an aquaintance who is the exec director of an organization which supports foster kids.
[Treehouse</a> for Kids](<a href=“Treehouse - Nonprofit Serving Youth in Foster Care”>http://www.treehouse4kids.org/)
Amazing woman & she walks her talk as she and her partner have adopted two foster kids. </p>
<p>I think it would be especially difficult to foster children that are older than your own- Im not a shrink, but it does seem like that in a best case scenario, where the foster kids feel safe- there could be a lot of acting out.</p>
<p>I do understand that when family is involved, there is a strong desire to want to help, even to the point of fostering the children.
Best case- the birth parents get help so that they can care for their children- I am sure you know how much it helps the children know, that someone else cares about them, even when their parents aren’t able to.</p>
<p>What happens when they turn 18?</p>
<p>When the foster kids turn 18?
Well some will have been adopted, or have returned to their birth family or other caregiver.
Some will be on their own, although there are some programs meant to help young adults transition to independence.</p>
<p>Kudos to Binx, and Mamaof1. We need more good homes for kids! What a difficult but so important job! </p>
<p>My mother was a foster parent- and for many years did emergency work. At some point we had 10 kids in our house (including a new baby). They did it for the extra money (I know, it makes no sense) and I know my mother was not qualified (nor did the professional in the 70s have the insights they do now). I have some good memories of some of the kids I shared my family with, and maybe it positively shaped me in some way, but there were equally as many bad experiences and I think it turned out to be a disaster for my siblings. I’ll spare you the details but a lot of the kids who came through our door had been badly abused, and some were serious drug users, and the support system (ie… parents and social workers and other professionals) was sorely insufficient.</p>
<p>Here when kids turn 18 most are emancipated. Our county has a program that FCs enter when they are teens, called “Independent Living Program.” It is a class - actually, more like a club or a “youth group” - the kids go to, that teaches them stuff like renting an apartment, cooking skills, balancing a checkbook, etc. Those who wish to go to college (few) have various scholarships and aid available. These things are available to any teen who has been in foster care, whether or not they are currently in foster care.</p>
<p>It is rare for judges to put older teens into FC here. We had a FC who turned 17 while living with us, and who decided she wanted to go home. Nothing had changed in her homelife, but at 17, she was so close to being independent, the judge wasn’t willing to force her.</p>
<p>Binx, you’re amazing. I admire you greatly for having done this.</p>
<p>There are college scholarships available to them.</p>