My HS senior is having a very hard time anticipating the coming separation. She feels like she’s going to be completely alone and unprepared to be without mom and dad. Can anyone suggest concrete ways to help her feel more connected and supported—either preparing for the departure or once she’s at school?
Specifics: She is going to be home for most of the summer, getting a mental break from academics, and she will be in therapy. She’s going to college 1.5 hours away. Her school is relatively small and academically challenging, and does have a lot of support structures. The college schedule has several breaks in the first 4-6 weeks. She’s an only child and we’re (obviously!) very close.
It was my sister who was missing her daughter more than the other way around. Sister traveled to the college for a weekend (and I think her husband did too), bought the Thanksgiving and Christmas tickets early and I think my niece came home for something during the fall too. Sister and niece share a birthday so all through college my sister always went for that weekend.
Since you are so close, you could plan several firm dates like a play/concert/dinner in Boston once a month, and then have her home on one weekend per month. Once things are on the calendar, the time won’t seem so long away from home. Easy to cancel or shorten if she needs to study.+
If she is in therapy during the summer, perhaps the therapist can make a recommendation for continued therapy where your kiddo is going to college. If this can happen, perhaps your daughter could have a session or two with the new therapist this summer since it’s not all that far away.
Maybe if she knows she has that “safety net” she will be less anxious about this separation.
We were generous with paying for weekend trips back home the first semester. There was a BF back home, and that was definitely a factor in making the transition to college more difficult. We did our best to let this run its course and keep our opinions to ourselves.
We also paid for Skype sessions with her (senior year of HS) therapist for a few months – giving her time to transition to someone in her university town.
We listened when she said she was miserable and wanted to transfer, but kindly and firmly said “no” due to her having a full ride scholarship.
We sent little care packages or cards, usually with a Target GC for some retail therapy.
The first year was not pleasant, to be frank. We saw positive signs by the very end of freshman year. I’m just guessing, but knowing she was not going to be in the dorms her sophomore year seemed to cheer her up. Not everyone is up to sharing a bedroom when they’ve had their own space their entire life. She much prefers sharing an apartment with other women, having her own bedroom, and NOT being on the campus meal plan.
These are helpful ideas, thank you. She had gotten the suggestion from a few people that she shouldn’t come home at all for the first six weeks. That freaked her out, but now that she’s committed to a school with a defined schedule, we know that isn’t feasible in any event.
At the start of the year, there are 2 days of orientation and an optional 2-day pre-orientation. Then, after just 3 days of classes, her birthday/labor day weekend! I had thought of spending that weekend in the Boston area (near but not at school) so we could be together but establish more ties to that area. Does anyone have an opinion about this plan? Historically, asking her questions about plans or her birthday ahead of time is hugely stressful, so I don’t expect any input from the birthday celebrant.
Right now your daughter doesn’t know much of anything about her new college. Doesn’t know where she is living, who her friends are, what classes she is taking, nothing.
At some point she will need to choose classes. This may be at an orientation or over the summer (or both).
Then she will be more comfortable about that.
At some point she will go to orientation. Those are designed to get you to meet others. If there are any optional pre-orientation sessions…do them because you get to know a small group of kids.
I also agree that she needs to stay on campus to make friends.
Is she anxious in general? Should she be evaluated for general anxiey by a doctor?
Also is there a facebook group for students in her class? She can 'get to know " some other students.
Colleges are used to having a bunch of anxious HS students come in…they know what to do to get them at ease.
If your daughter is way more anxiious than usual, make sure you stop by the Counselign Center when she moves in so she can go see them later.
Are you asking about spending Labor Day weekend in Boston with your daughter? If so…make your reservations now if you can even get any. That is a very busy time of the year. Many Boston colleges start classes the day after Labor Day…so lots of move in activity at that time. September 1…which is part of that holiday weekend this year is also the BIG apartment turnover day in Boston.
I’m speaking from experience…my kid graduated from BU.
I’d suggest getting out of Boston and maybe exploring a little away…but that holiday weekend will be the end of the summer season and you may find it’s booked solid already. But check.
If it were me…I would welcome her home for a birthday celebration…and then go to the Boston area another weekend when it’s far less crowded. It would be nice to explore her college area with her…not some place far away.
Make sure that you don’t overtalk about fall/college/going away. Let her also enjoy her home time, summer while getting prepared physically (room stuff) and mentally for going away. Don’t dwell on a countdown and have that be all you talk about.
Will she be working this summer? I would encourage a job or volunteer activity so she is out and about (and out of the house) doing what soon to be college students are doing nationwide. It will expand her world out of the house and out of her high school - and let her see she can function and enjoy time on her own.
I never bought the whole “don’t let them come home the first “x” number of weeks” mentality. For some kids saying that is a prison cell! Be open to whatever works at the time. Let her know that you are willing to come down for visits, you’ll pick her up on occasion - whatever - but don’t cut her off now before she even steps foot on campus! Give her some peace of mind for now to know there are options not regulations.
All excellent points! Yes @bopper she joined the FB group and I think that’s already been good. She will sign up for a pre-orientation that’s aligned with her non-academic interests. You’re right @thumper1 there’s no way I’ll want to go to Boston that weekend!! What was I thinking?? @abasket your perspective is so affirming; it’s like you’re inside my child’s head and providing kid-to-mom translation.
I do think there is good intent behind the “don’t go home for x weeks” plan. Kids that come home a lot during the first quarter and especially those first few weekends will miss out on the opportunities/bonding that are what will help them make the transition and build a home atmosphere at school. While sure, a rigid plan now, months ahead, might not be the best messaging, actually staying at school those first few weekends, and most weekends thereafter, will help school become comfortable.
This is not to disparage the OP’s birthday visit plan at all…that’s an exception…and also it sounds like it’s not feasible for the daughter to come home often during the first quarter. But I do think it’s helpful to stay.
And, speaking from experience, if you do visit, be prepared for the goodbye to be hard!
One tip I got from Gretchen Rubin ( a happiness author), when her daughter went away, she and the other family members made her a “blues bag” which was small, wrapped gifts that the college daughter could open one when she was feeling homesick. And this reminds me of my dad, who found a bakery service and sent giant boxes of brownies to me periodically…which had the nice side benefit of socialization, as it was plenty enough to go out into the hall and share around.
There is a terrific book called “Letting Go”, and it talks about a lot of this. Mostly from a parent perspective…but it’s a good read. See if your library has it.
My daughter had a HS boyfriend when she started college. They kept visiting each other on weekends.
I woudl say “you should do stuff with your friends on some weekends”
and she said “I dont have friends”
and i said “that is because you are not at school on weekends.”
By the end of freshman year they broke up and she said “I can’t believe I wasted my freshman year.”
I think it’s important for both the child and parents to have new things to do and look forward to when the school year starts. Enthusiasm is contagious.
Maybe have your D start considering different clubs and activities at her new U she may be interested in joining and start researching the ones that seem most appealing. If there are none she likes, what would she like to start and what steps are needed at her U to do that? Our S started a rock climbing club at his U.
We noticed he and D were always much more interested in talking with us when we were busy doing something while they were at their U.
Agree her therapist may have some helpful suggestions for her and you. Good luck!
I’ve told all my H.S. seniors to join the Facebook pages for their schools.
My daughter’s first day was so much fun as she finally got to meet her Facebook friends in real life. She had people to eat dinner with, people to explore the campus with. I, of course, was in tears…I cry at Hallmark commercials. But she was immersed in a group of friends from the start.
Oh and see whether her therapist would be open to the possibility of the occasional FaceTime session. It can be hard really opening up to a new person at the campus center…it may be reassuring to know she’ll be able to still have sessions with her regular therapist.
Oh, and it may help her to know you’re open to a goodnight text as often as she wants to send one. That small message may help
My kids seemed to do okay with homesickness, but I remember being homesick. The difference? We were freer about visiting and talking. I did well until maybe a month in to school, then would have loved a visit from home. I didn’t need to go back, I wished they would come to me. And in the old days phone calls were so expensive that I couldn’t call home often either.
We went to see the kids 4-6 weeks in. By then they had friends and knew enough to proudly show us around. We talked on the phone as they desired, with me sending pictures from home of the cats or something funny whenever I noticed something. We did talk about potential homesickness, too. I didn’t act like it would be a big deal, just noted that I had some and that it was normal.
When we drove out to buy the sweatshirt for her committed school choice, she played music through the car stereo, then told us the entire playlist was compiled online by the Brandeis class of 2023. How cool is that?!? These groups are obviously a wonderful thing.
Just spoke to the housing office, and they confirmed that most kids stay on campus over the labor day weekend + they do have some events planned. So I think I will plan nothing at home, nor will I face the teeming hordes in Boston. Instead, I’ll send a giant bday cake for the dorm/floor, and sob in the privacy of my own home.
My daughter would definitely say that, in hindsight, she should have worried less about how bad it was going to be. Even if it is tough at times, your daughter should know that she’s going to get through it. That even when/if it seems that things are terrible, she will still have many happy moments. It’s human nature though to amplify what seems bad at the time and focus on the positive. She can think of the happy times to get her through the tough times. Some time in her freshman year, when she is least expecting it, she will realize the good is outweighing the bad. She has to get through it in her own way because it’s part of becoming an adult.
Lynnski, not quite Labor Day but my 1st has an October birthday. We drove up to visit that day, with gifts and homemade cake. And we told DD to invite 3 friends ( due to available seat belts) to join us for dinner.
Maybe you could celebrate your birthday with DH on LD weekend, and celebrate DD’s the following weekend?
My daughter really struggled (and still is struggling to a certain extent). For her, it wasn’t just home, it was missing her high school support system. She knew it would be different but she underestimated it! Here are some ideas based on what I wish I had known:
If she's in therapy, get her therapy set up at school before she gets there so she has an appointment within the first few days. My daughter had to wait forever to finally get in to see someone.
If you think there is any chance she needs medication for depression/anxiety, consider it now. I wish I had gotten my daughter onto an anti axiety medication BEFORE she left for school. She had to start while she was there and it was a disaster. Would have been good to go through all the trial and error etc over the summer and send her with a better frame of mind.
We also heard the advice about not letting her come home and she thought coming home for a visit would make it worse during the first semester but I think that was a mistake. It's a long time until Thanksgiving when you're miserable and homesick and I think a trip home might have given her some relief.
Take advantage of any opportunities to meet people. My daughter joined a facebook group but orientation wasn't until a few days before the semester so the summer was stressful.
Send her things - my daughter did really appreciate cards and small gifts that arrived in the mail periodically.
Help her understand everyone adjusts at a different pace - my daughter was WAY too focused on social media and friends so seemed to have it all together while she was struggling.
(Edited to add) We didn't talk too much over the summer about her leaving. We let her take the lead. We knew she was nervous and we wanted her to enjoy the summer. We were very casual about it, not going on and on all summer about college, countdowns, etc..
Best of luck to her. I hope she enjoys her experience.