We live far away from my dd's college and

<p>College kids assume when they are inviting another college friend (bf or otherwise) that they'll be staying at the house. That's very thoughtful to think of his expences! When it comes up again, maybe after your fall visit, tell dd if they choose to visit over the winter break you look forward to seeing him again, he hopefully won't mind your old room while you bunk up with your sister (said in a lighthearted tone...your meaning will be clear). Just an example, change the statement to what fits. Make clear you'd love to be his host, and subtly add they will be in different rooms.
Others may give differing points of view here, however as long as they are college age, separate rooms are appropriate. Once graduated and living together, you can make a decision of what to do when adult children visit. I visited my father in college with a boyfriend. Despite plenty of room we were put in the same room. I was mortified and asked to be moved. I guess Dad was trying to be progressive.</p>

<p>No, when D1's BF visited our home, he had his own room and bathroom. This BF visited often, especially over the summer and they have been going out for a year. We didn't care what they did after we went to bed, but under no circumstance would we allow them to stay in the same room while in college, especially when we have a younger daughter at home. D1 and BF were also not that physcial in front of us either - no sitting on the each other's lap, or on top of each other on a couch in front of people. We expect our daughters to keep a certain decorum in front of us and our friends.</p>

<p>I crossed posts with a couple others. I'm still in the camp of bf's get their own room while college age, or perhaps later in college if there's a ring and a date. That's just me.
Talk to your daughter when it comes up and ask openly if they were planning on separate rooms or sharing one. She may be assuming they will not share but appreciate the open conversation. Tell her what you are comfortable with. Don't do the cool thing to win points, nor should you be more conservative because you think others view it as wrong. There is no right answer, only the one your family chooses.</p>

<p>blueiguana and oldfort, thanks so much for your posts. It helps me a lot. My parents were very strict and conservative. And, i'm trying to be a bit "progressive" as blueiguana describes her Dad.</p>

<p>So If I offer the bf a separete room in my house, I'm assuming they still be together at night. Am I supposed to pretent they'll be in separate rooms? of course i'm assuming they're intimate, but I don't know for sure.</p>

<p>I don't ask D1 about her private life. I don't think you should assume one way or another. I never got up in the middle of night to check and my daughter was always in her room in the morning.</p>

<p>I grew up in a very strict household too. My parents probably wanted to believe I was a virgin when I got married. My girls are very close with me. I took D1 to get birth control when she was ready, but I never asked her when and where. D1 feels comfortable in discussion many things with me, but there is a boundary. What's most important to me is that she is safe and happy.</p>

<p>Don't assume anything. Do what you are most comfortable with - it is your home. If you truly have no preferences, leave it up to them where to sleep. If you are more comfortable with them having separate rooms, then just let them know where BF's room is and leave it at that. </p>

<p>I wouldn't be too concerned about getting to know the BF really well at this point. If your desire is to make sure you like him, then what happens if you don't? You likely will not be able to, or even want to try to, change your D's mind about him.</p>

<p>Glad any of us could help! I'm not to this point yet so I'll be coming here looking for support and advise when the time comes.
To note...i have boys so I don't know if that scewes my opinion. S2 has stayed at a gf's house. He was put in her room adjacent to her parents room, she was in the basement. He was scared to breathe being that close to her father. This was by design. They were younger, but the point being we made it clear he was to respect their home. We will encourage (sternly!) that our boys continue to show respect in other adults homes until they have graduated and are supporting themselves. Nothing bad can come from this type of respect. A young ladies parents may get a poor impression of you if they feel you have shown disrespect. Not much to be gained. Control yourself for a few days or don't make the trip. </p>

<p>So, that may put into perspective where I am coming from as the parent of the young man.</p>

<p>oldfort, I like your approach "D1 feels comfortable in discussion many things with me, but there is a boundary. What's most important to me is that she is safe and happy". That is what i want for the relationship with my dd. I want her to feel free to talk to me about anything, but her own personal life is her own. she doesn't need to share every single detail with me if she doen't want to. Yes, at the end, we all parents want our children to be happy and safe.</p>

<p>cartera45, you're right. I shouldn't make any assumptions. Also, I know very well that even if I don't like her bf very much, there is very little i could do about it. The more you complain about their friends/bf, the more they want to prove you wrong. So i'll keep my opinions for myself. I just want to know him.</p>

<p>blueiguana, very good point. Our children should show manners and respect with the bf/gf parents. I don't know if the feeling are different when dealing with dd or ds....i'm assuming that yes, but i don't have any S.</p>

<p>We just met an official GF of our S for the first time. They behaved very nicely: hand holding at times but nothing beyond that. I can't stand couples who have to be all over each other in public, no matter what the age of the couple or the witnesses. I agree with oldfort: a certain decorum is expected.</p>

<p>If she came to visit, I would put her in the guest room and then mind my own business as to where everyone ended up--but hopefully not in the guest room because it shares a wall with mine! :) I have no idea whether they are having sex, but I assume they probably are. They treat each other with mutual respect and affection, so it's fine with me.</p>

<p>If it should come to pass that S goes to visit her family, I think I'll make a note of telling him that it is important to respect the homes of others and exercise some restraint. WHen in college I had friends who could always be counted on to be getting physical in front of everyone, or having noisy sex when sharing close quarters. It really is monumentally inconsiderate.</p>

<p>OMG consolation, you said exactly was i was thinking about the lousy sex or being physical in fron of others. Hopefully, both dd and bf seems to be very respectful and considerate. I don't know bf yet, but I get that from the comments my dd makes about him. By the way, I like the way you said it "I would put her in the guest room and then mind my own business as to where everyone ended up"</p>

<p>I wouldn't make it obvious that the visit is to check out the boyfriend. Any of the suggestions on how to approach the situations would work because it does not emphasize that</p>

<p>At this point, with my boys, I stay out of their personal relationships. If they want to introduce me their friends including girlfriends, that's fine, but it is entirely up to them. There is no way I would make a trip primarily to check out who their sig others are. Things have changed so many times and so quickly with them in that area, that it gives whiplash just to look at who is coming by. </p>

<p>Also with the summer apart, I wouldn't put any money on that boyfriend being in your D's life by the time Parent's Weekend, or any weekend for that matter. Unless this has been described to you as "the one", I wouldn't be planning that far ahead or going to the school primarily to get to know the young man better.</p>

<p>cptofthehouse, I can see you have alot of experience on this type of thing. I'm new to my dd's dating. I was assumming that they will be together for a year or so...hmmm</p>

<p>You're jumping the gun. Just go to dinner and meet the bf; there is no need to worry about winter break. Who knows if they will still be a couple then?</p>

<p>Yes, you offer a room in your home if he comes for winter break. If, after the household goes to bed, there is nocturnal traffic, then so be it, but it's fair to expect college age sweethearts to stay in separate rooms. You'll get to know him then, so don't worry if all you've known of him before then is the dinner. Relax.</p>

<p>o.k. i'll get it now. This type of relationships don't last long...Oh, my dd will be heart broken...</p>

<p>Oh well, this bf or a new bf. I feel that now I know more about how to deal with their visit/stays at our house. Thanks to all of you for your advice. I think that I'll feel more comfortable if I offer the bf his own room, and then mind my own business. Now I have to deal with my H who feels not too comfortable with having the bf (this one or a new bf) stay at our house. He's more old fashion type of person. I'm more open minded.</p>

<p>I started seeing someone my freshman year, expecting it to only last a couple months or so, only to get engaged three years later. You never know! My mom's attitude is to treat everyone like they will be sticking around, insofar as I am comfortable with it, just because you never know when that special someone will make an appearance. I wouldn't assume anything about whether it will work out or not, you never know.</p>

<p>emaheevul, it's true what you're stating. thank you. My dd did not date much in HS. She didn't have a serious bf as she does now. So I was thinking that it would be good if she dates different guys; however, I don't have any control about it.</p>