<p>Dad has left mom for much younger woman. Now daughter is getting married. Mom doesn’t have as much money, goes out with daughter and buys lovely gown for wedding. Stepmom shows daughter the dress she has chosen, and it is the same dress. Daughter begs her to choose another, stepmom refuses. Daughter goes to mom, tearful. Mom says, don’t worry, I’ll get another. Daughter says, but mom, the dress was expensive, you don’t go out much, you’ll never have another place to wear it. Mom says, its OK, I’ll wear the first dress to the rehearsal dinner.</p>
<p>I was the stepmother of the bride. No family “issues” at all - in fact, I was seated next to the Mother of the Bride at the reception. And my H (father of bride) and her stepfather jointly walked her down the aisle.</p>
<p>I did not feel it was my position to ask to “coordinate” or what color I should wear. The bride would have discussed with me what she wanted me to wear if she wanted me to be part of the scheme. </p>
<p>Her mother and the groom’s mother wore dresses befitting the theme and color. I simply wore a nice dress which I would wear to a wedding. </p>
<p>IMO, unless asked or told otherwise, the stepmother should dress like a beloved wedding guest (favorite aunt, grandmother). Even more so if there are “issues.”</p>
<p>That’s my take on it, and I include this post because most seem to see it differently, so I thought an alternate perspective might weigh in. YMMV.</p>
<p>I was a stepmother of the bride 10 years ago and did check with my stepdaughter about what she preferred and what her mom was wearing before I bought my dress (at Nordstroms, and it was perfect). I did not want to upstage her mother, but I did not want to fade away, either, because it was an important day, and I have a close relationship with my stepdaughter. A friend’s daughter is getting married soon, and I think she has the ideal resolution: the three maternal “units”–mothers of the bride and groom, stepmother of the bride–happily coordinated on the choice of three very classy long, strapless gowns (each with some sort of jacket or wrap). They’re all pleased, and the bride approves. I guess whether or not the stepmother fades into the background depends on the family relationship. (Wait until you have to decide who is in the wedding pictures. Now there’s a really fun moment.)</p>
<p>I’d go ahead and ask if they care what you wear in terms of style or color. Personally, I thought the whole business was silly and told my Mom and my future Mom-in-law they could wear what they like. MIL wore bubble gum pink (NOT what I would have chosen at all!) but it didn’t bother me at all. My mother wore a teal tie dyed dress that I thought was more casual than I would have picked out, but she looked nice in it. I never look at the pictures and wish they were wearing something else.</p>
<p>wornprogress, since you asked, I will update. Wedding plans are going very well, although the guest list somehow ended up at over 300. (Our share is relatively small as we are the only out of town parents.)</p>
<p>The dress situation is interesting. I found a great designer dress on sale, but ended up returning it. It was very form fitting and ultimately I decided too immodest for my taste and comfort. Also, when my 20 year old D first saw it, she was unimpressed. (Later, she tried it on and begged me to keep it FOR HER! It did look great on her but I told her that by the time she would have an occasion to wear it, there would be some other dress she would prefer.)</p>
<p>I ended up with a full-length black silk dress. Simple, elegant, comfortable. The girl at the store called it “40s glam” and I think my D got it right when she said it looked like something Nicole Kidman would wear. Anyway, I am happy and glad to have the decision behind me.</p>
<p>My stepson has been pushing my H to buy a new tux. The one he has is the one he bought for our wedding in 1986, but it is in excellent shape (rarely worn) and, according to guy who owns the mens store my H likes, still in style (other than the pleated pants, which no one is apt to notice). I am glad to be saving the money by not buying a new tux. Initially my stepson had this (weird) idea that all the fathers should be in matching tuxes.</p>
<p>We are looking forward to the big day in mid-October and couldn’t be happier about the woman my stepson is marrying. They are a wonderful couple. I only hope my D does as well!</p>
<p>And if your stepson is really concerned about the tux your husband is wearing, maybe your husband could just rent a tux that’s more like the other gents?? Relatively small investment to make his son happy.</p>