<p>My DS just got engaged to his beautiful girlfriend. I am sooo excited! I need some advice on wedding etiquette 2014. I live in the hometown of both of them. They live 1 1/2 hours away, and her parents have moved out of state. Because everyone is so far flung, I wanted to send out engagement announcements, but I read they should only be sent to people who will be invited to the wedding. Also, should I put an announcement in the hometown paper? I have told them to let me know what they need, as I am the closest parent, but they haven’t asked for anything but a rough guest list. I don’t want to overstep my bounds, but i did want to let my family know about the engagement. HELP!! </p>
<p>No advice because no experience, but – congratulations!!</p>
<p>You are so wise to wait for instructions from the bride and groom. I wouldn’t put an announcement in the paper until they ask/give permission for you to do so. Do you know the bride’s parents? </p>
<p>I would ask these questions of your son, who I’m sure will be talking with his bride to get answers. Do push for “when can I at least tell our own family?” And bride’s parents may want to tell close family before having them read it in a newspaper.</p>
<p>Best wishes for a smooth journey to the altar!</p>
<p>Congratulations!</p>
<p>I love the etiquette threads. It seems to me there no longer really are any etiquette rules whatsoever. However, where I’m from: </p>
<p>1) It would be expected parents of groom call parents of bride and tell them how very excited they are about the news and invite them to dinner if they haven’t already met in person. Even if they have met, a dinner with a toast is nice.</p>
<p>2) Engagement announcement in newspaper is appropriate. I am not sure I have ever heard of mailing engagement announcements, but definitely not sent to someone not on the wedding guest list.</p>
<p>3) Bride’s family announces engagement. And plans everything except the rehearsal dinner. Groom’s family smiles and nods. </p>
<p>I already know these rules don’t make sense to anyone reading except me. I am not even convinced they make much sense anymore. But in real life and on this board I see that a lot of conflicts arise because no one is on the same page. Lots of misunderstandings.</p>
<p>Best of luck!</p>
<p>Right. I’m so afraid that I’ll do something wrong that I haven’t done anything. lol I don’t want them to think I’m uninterested and don’t care, I just don’t want to be THAT mother of the groom.</p>
<p>We mothers of sons are invariably going to be that mother. We can’t help it. My advice: Be calm and pace yourself. Don’t take anything too seriously.</p>
<p>It really is wonderful, isn’t it, when they find their life partner? I am still floating, it made me so happy.</p>
<p>Wonderful news. </p>
<p>My advice runs contrary to many on here, but as a bride-to-be who is in the midst of wedding planning, I may humbly suggest that you not follow “traditional etiquette” unless that’s something your DS and bride to be want. </p>
<p>For announcements, I’d ask them if they want one. I don’t personally understand them but to each his/her own. </p>
<p>They’re likely not starting to plan yet so don’t worry if they don’t have anything other than a rough guest list. </p>
<p>Just let them lead the way and offer your support. IMO, that is by far the best way to go.</p>
<p>Best of luck 
</p>
<p>If you don’t send announcements, how do you key family that is widespread know? Do you call each one?</p>
<p>In the northwest, where my oldest grew up, announcements of a marriage are unusual except maybe in the smallest town paper. However her H is southern and his family generally has both announcements and quite large weddings.
I agree to wait for the couple to decide what they want. Its great that they asked you for a guest list, I was disappointed that D didn’t want family at her wedding. We only found out afterwards, and D hinted very obliquely, so that we didn’t realize she was already married.
Depending on how old they are & their circumstances, they may appreciate a cash gift to be used for the wedding/ honeymoon/ setting up house.
Even my D appreciated that!
;)</p>
<p>Re announcements, I felt that a lot of my family and friends would want to know about my D’s engagement, so I prepared an e-mail attachment with a couple of candid pics of them and sent the e-mail out to those family and friends on my correspondence list. (Of course I ran the e-mail past my D and her fiance first!) For those few who do not use e-mail, I sent a copy of the document via snail mail.</p>
<p>Not traditional, but worked for us, and I hope it offended nobody. The advantage was that everyone knew at the same time so nobody heard second hand.</p>
<p>Sorry, by announcements, I was talking about the newspaper ones. </p>
<p>For close family (grandparents, etc), I called. For far-flung family I announced on Facebook and sent emails. </p>
<p>If they have announced it on facebook, I would just post about your excitement about the news. That should cover the bulk of relatives and those not on fb will hear about from those who are on it. </p>
<p>I just want to chime as a mother of the bride. I think etiquette rules are out the window - it’s really up to the couple. In my daugther’s case, the groom’s family is hosting the wedding on their turf and I believe they are helping the couple pay for it as well. I just simply don’t have the money. I told her if she wanted to come home for a wedding I’d glady have it at my church with a potluck or something like that but she has no friends here and very little family. It made no sense to have it that way. He has a lot more family and they are going to settle down nearer to his family then to here, plus he has family members that can’t travel. So we (the bride’s parents) will be traveling the furthest to the wedding and really will have no input whatsoever. So it’s not always “smile and nod” for the groom’s family. In my case I think I’ll be doing the smiling and nodding and just pray that I can come up with some money for travel.</p>
<p>Announcements aren’t done in my family, but we are small-- I was expected to call each person the night we got engaged… approx 10 people for me and 5 for him on his side. I spent the whole night on the phone, didn’t get to celebrate with fiance until the next day. Which was a bummer, because it was also my birthday! I think we had birthday cake at 1am when I finally got the last person off the phone. This was what was expected. I was interested in an engagement announcement in the paper, just for fun, but my mom didn’t want to do that-- we will do a marriage announcement in the paper instead after the wedding. If we had far flung relatives not coming to the wedding we might have sent a marriage announcement in the mail, but not an engagement announcement-- to me, there is no reason for them to know about the engagement if they aren’t invited to the wedding, the marriage is the main point in that case. We did send save the dates to those that would be invited so that they could make travel plans. These usually go out 6-8 months prior to the wedding, but they are optional.</p>
<p>I think the golden rule is to follow the bride and groom’s lead, and to run things through your S. If you want to make any kind of a contribution or participate in any way, you can let your S know privately that you are not sure what he had in mind, but your assistance is available with X, Y, and Z and you’d love to participate (or not!) when they decide what they want, they just need to let you know what they’d like to do. You can also tell him if certain traditions or things are really important to you, but I would phrase it carefully in a way that doesn’t seem demanding-- my mom knew how to have that conversation with me, I assume you know how best to handle it with your S. For us, that meant something like, “I know this is your wedding and it’s about you and I want you to be happy, we’ll do whatever you want and I’m on your side, but you are my baby and X is important to me, too, and it’s always been a tradition in our family. Could you think about it at least?” Then he can talk whatever it is over with his fiancee in private and decide what they want. This way his fiancee is not being put on the spot by you.</p>
<p>We have had some ruffled feathers all around with our wedding planning, and the best way to handle it, IMO, is for me to deal with my family and my fiance to deal with his family. We each know how to have a conversation with our moms without hurting their feelings, and they know how to have a conversation with us. That way there is no pressure, no misunderstandings, no bad blood. We are on much more equal footing with our own parents than we are with our in-laws, and this way nobody is made uncomfortable. We do each have a wonderful relationship with our respective mother in laws apart from their relationships with their own children, however any awkward conversations do not need to be had by us-- that is for mom and child to deal with on their own.</p>
<p>When my D was engaged, there was no formal announcing. I kept quiet till she told close family members, and then after that we mostly relied on the family/friend grapevine. Didn’t even think of newspaper announcement; that happens occasionally, but it’s rare around here. Engagement was around Thanksgiving, so our Christmas cards were another way to get the information to lesser-seen fam/friends.</p>
<p>I eventually called his Mom, and then we FB friended, and keep in contact that way, even now post-wedding. D and SIL planned in the abstract, what sort of wedding they wanted, and I acted as chief payer and on the ground planner. Input from the groom’s side was filtered mostly through them, and we tried to stay mindful of their wants and needs.</p>
<p>Our S became engaged several months ago, and we couldn’t be more thrilled. But it’s a tough time: if you try to follow traditional etiquette by the letter, you may have a hard time applying it to your individual facts; but if you ignore traditional etiquette, you run the risk of surprising and even offending some people. After all, all etiquette is is the road map that everyone has a copy of so everyone knows what to expect and work toward. Once you take away the road map, no one knows what to expect. It can still work out just fine, it just takes a little more communication among all the parties.</p>
<p>I think alh’s advice is exactly on the mark and I agree with Emaheevil07 also. Formal announcements (which include formal cards and newspapers) fall to the bride’s family. You are the one living in the hometown, but you mentioned it was the bride’s family’s hometown too. On the other hand, you mention you want to tell family. </p>
<p>You don’t need a formal announcement for family. So long as you know they’re going to be invited, there is no problem with phone calls and emails, as JEM says. Just make sure the engagement is not supposed to be secret. Once our S told us he was engaged and that it was not private, I think my H and I were on the phone shouting it to every sibling, aunt, uncle, and cousin !</p>
<p>Three to four days after the engagement, I called the bride’s family to thank them for raising such a wonderful daughter, and offered to help them through the process in any way I could (read: we’re open to helping you, but we recognize it’s your show so we won’t try to take over). After that, our job is to smile and tell them how wonderful all their choices are - and mean it!!</p>
<p>Congratulations!</p>
<p>As excited as you are, and I don’t blame you , I would restrain myself from doing anything unless they want you to. </p>
<p>I would also think very, very carefully before suggesting or advocating for anything that would ramp up the wedding industrial complex!</p>
<p>So I would ask them if it is okay to tell family. I would also suggest to them that putting a simple engagement notice (no formal picture!) in the local paper is a great way to let people know without inciting expectation that they will be invited. I would offer to help with that if they wish. If you FDIL hasn’t met the family, you could say you would like to have a LITTLE family party to introduce her. (NOT an engagement party.)</p>
<p>IMHO, if engagement announcements are sent, that is raising the expectation that the recipient will be invited to the wedding. You really, really don’t want to do that. If you do start telling family, I think that telling a few people or posting on FB and then letting the family grapevine take care of it is a good idea. Perhaps call close elderly relatives who don’t use the internet. Keep it low key, if it kills you. Or you will pay for it later! :)</p>
<p>S & DIL did not have an engagement or wedding announcement in the paper. Wedding was here, though S & DIL are in CA and her parents are in the UK. S & DIL wanted us to arrange most of the logistics, which I was happy to do, but I didn’t do anything without their go-ahead. They were pretty laid back, so it was often hard to get them to make decisions. They did sent out Save the Dates, though dilly-dallied so long that the invites went out about six weeks later. They had a civil ceremony in Aug. 2012 and a celebration in Aug. 2013 when more family could attend. Civil ceremony was immediate family only (FOB and sister of B couldn’t get here). S & DIL had posted on FB when they got engaged and then posted pics after the civil ceremony.</p>
<p>We went to visit the MOB and FOB several months before the civil ceremony and had a wonderful time. Could not have asked for friendlier or kinder people (and MOB and I are now good friends). </p>
<p>@PhotoOp my nephew got married recently and for all practical purposed the nephew’s Mom was the mother-of-the-bride. I think the bride’s Mom was okay with it.</p>
<p>My sister is going to be the effective MOB for her son’s fiancee – the bride’s mom passed away when the fiancee was in middle school. Nephew and intended have been friends since middle school, so she has been like a D to my sister for many years already. </p>