Wedding etiquette

Parent Cafe
21

<p>the moms HAVE to talk before the wedding, what they are gonna meet at the wedding</p>

<p>your parents seem to want the tradtional wedding, and are willing to foot the bill, you need hard #s, dollar amounts, and a budget</p>

<p>there are many ways the grooms famly can contribute- the photogapher, the music, the band, the car, whatever</p>

<p>and you can have a simple church wedding and reception</p>

<p>Your mom needs to let go a little bit, and here is a word of warning</p>

<p>If she is being a bit stubborn, defensive and upset NOW, think about when the plans are actually getting made, etc</p>

<p>As the bride, it can be your job to keep things simple, tratitional and fun, without busting the budget</p>

<p>ie- serve chicken for dinner because YOU want to
hunt for a cheaper dress, shoes, accessories, etc
have a dj- which can be really fun
don’t get the biggest faniciest cake
have simple clean flowers and centerpieces
get nice less expensive invitations</p>

<p>lots of ways to cut back on costs</p>

<p>Me, the limo was a waste, considering the bestmen took it after the wedding</p>

<p>My flowers were not the expensive ones and still looker great</p>

<p>If you want to have a smooth wedding, and planning, you need to get things clear NOW about $$, its not the time to be shy about money discussions</p>

<p>and Congrats- we just celebrated our 20th!!!</p>

22

<p>A trick and it is a hard one for daughters is to NOT ohh and ahh over all the dresses you see, but to hold back and get excited about things when you know they are within a budget you feel comfortable with for your parents…say if you say , I have ALWAYS wanted gallons of white long stem roses and THEN see the costs, mom and dad will of course want what their baby wants (we can’t help ourselves), so if you do some looking around ahead of time and get a good idea of expenses before mom, it can save alot of confusion and tension- you feeling guilty for $ and mom wanting to take care of her princess- </p>

<p>and remember, the wedding is about the people, not the stuff, the stuff is just a frame and what’s inside is most important…and that is what lasts the memories of the people.</p>

<p>you really sound like you are thinking about everyone else and that is soooo good…it just gonna be a trick to work with a mom who wants everything for you, and knowing that it good be a budget buster, and being gracious the whole time, but I think you can do it, it seems like you have it “goin’ on” and understand the dynamics</p>

23

<p>Another way to limit expenses is to have a champagne and hors d’oeurves reception. I attended one of these. It was in the afternoon following a late morning wedding. Honestly, it was quite elegant. Waitstaff circulated with trays and guest mingled. If I had to do it over again, I would do something like that.</p>

24

<p>I have also attended reception dinners, where guests were charged to attend, I wouldnt recommend that
Your wedding is a good place to start living within your means IMO :slight_smile:
But congratulations.
THat really takes me back- I was younger when I got married than my daughter who just graduated from college is now, and even when my youngest was born when I was 34, I seemed so young.</p>

25

<p>Well, if his family is taking up most of the guest list, it’s sweet of them to offer to pay. </p>

<p>I like the idea of offering to pay for certain things. If his family pays for, say, the cake, DJ, photographer, and church, then your family could pay for food, reception hall, flowers, etc. </p>

<p>Hey, you’re in Boston! You can do this for cheaper than you would think. First of all, dress at Filene’s Basement or one of the consignment stores on Newbury. :)</p>

<p>Consider something like the Cape during the off-season; Western Mass; areas near MA like Maine that are absolutely lovely; Arnold’s Arboretum; or any of the zillions of parks that are around. You could also check out the possibility of an afternoon reception on the Odyssey or the Spirit of Boston, doing a sunset cruise thing. (Compared to sit-down dinners in Boston, it could be surprisingly inexpensive.) Have the traditional church wedding and then an afternoon reception. It’ll be beautiful and inexpensive.</p>

<p>I went to a few weddings this summer (I’m a few years older than you, but it’s still the situation of kids without much money) that were just beautiful. One was in an arboretum; the other was on a beach in Maine. Neither did open bar; one did champagne toasts + cash bar, while the other had waiters with glasses of wine. One did a buffet-style reception (much cheaper); the other did sit-down. One reception was in a woman’s club (really pretty, old building). Both did David’s Bridal for the dresses.</p>

26

<p>molliebatmit: As the mom of a D, I would be delighted!! Seriously. Not insulted, offended, or anything else.</p>

<p>When I married, my H (to be) family and mine went 50/50. </p>

<p>It’s too expensive anymore for the burden to be on any one side.</p>

<p>(I didn’t read the whole thred, so forgive me if this is redundant)</p>

27

<p>One trick to keep wedding costs down: tell the reception location, caterer, florist, etc that it’s an anniversary or other party. The price will go way down.
(It’s not deceitful on your part, it’s defensive. I think I remember this from the manager at the Roosevelt in NYC)</p>

<p>Best wishes, Mollie</p>

28

<p>You will NEVER go wrong following Miss Manners’ advice, on any subject. She’s one of my heroes.</p>

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<p>Agreed. I’ve become a believer in cheating the “wedding industry” out of its prey. My sister recently got married in an off-the-rack dress, over lunch at a lovely restaurant, with about 14 people in attendance. I give it 50 years. :)</p>

29

<p>This reminds me why Hawaii and Disneyland are favorite spots for Japanese to get married. It’s so they can keep the wedding party small and the expenses consequently low, even with the cost of airfare.</p>

30

<p>“You will NEVER go wrong following Miss Manners’ advice, on any subject. She’s one of my heroes.” Yes, she’s a fantastic writer, too.</p>

<p>One thing that must never be done at a wedding: a cash bar. Miss Manners would shudder. If you can’t afford to offer the guests booze, serve punch. Or kegs of beer & box wine. Or have coffee/cake & keep it simple. No guest should ever have to open his wallet at a party to which he has been invited. The only exception would be an advertised fundraiser function that has been clearly promoted as such.</p>

31

<p>Mollie, congratulations! I agree with the other posters that there are many ways to have a lovely wedding that doesn’t break the bank. For starters, is there a space you could use at MIT? I know the chapel there is somewhat small, but it’s very interesting and could be very meaningful for you. Is there a faculty dining room you could use for the reception? </p>

<p>In my experience, it isn’t necessary to have the “best” or most expensive of anything in order for it to be very nice. Inexpensive flowers, mixed with some roses, make a nice bouquet. And EVERY bride is beautiful, regardless of the cost of the dress. A late afternoon reception, with a light buffet, champagne for toasting and cake would be very nice. By the way, by avoiding an open bar, you have better memories of your guests! </p>

<p>As far as your parents are concerned, it is their choice about how much they are able to spend on the wedding. Your fiance’s family can help in all of the traditional ways, and can make the rehearsal dinner as elegant as they’d like. As an aside, my parents – not at all wealthy – paid for our wedding, which was very nice, but not a Broadway production. My future in-laws offered to contribute, which apparently offended my father. (They all later became wonderful friends.) So if you really think the offer of financial help would offend your parents, don’t push it. Just have a wonderful wedding, one which is within your means. Let your future in-laws help with a terrific honeymoon! </p>

<p>CONGRATULATIONS!!!</p>

32

<p>Mollie, if it’s your wedding, I’d suggest the chapel at MIT. It’s lovely. I went to a lot of weddings of friends there over the years. It’s not that small, either. It will seat, if I remember correctly, 100 people.</p>

<p>The less money you spend, the happier you’ll be, IMHO. Finances are not worth fighting over.</p>

33

<p>We’re definitely thinking about the chapel. I love the lighting in there! (Here’s the [url=<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MIT_Chapel]chapel[/url”>MIT Chapel - Wikipedia]chapel[/url</a>], for those who haven’t seen it.)</p>

<p>We’re also certainly trying to control expenses – I have a fabulously artistic future sister-in-law, and she wants to make the centerpieces and the wedding favors. I’m totally psyched – I don’t have an artistic bone in my body! :)</p>

<p>I appreciate everyone’s advice. My fiance and I are trying to play the family diplomacy game right now, because right now everybody’s a little stressed and offended and emotional. Hopefully we can all take some deep breaths and take a step back and come to an agreement. After all, the marriage and the union of two families… that stuff is way more important than the wedding!</p>

34

<p>Good luck, Mollie. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>I’ll keep my ears open for good venues in Boston. </p>

<p>Really, check out the consignment stores on Newbury. I think you can get really nice dresses for about $200.</p>

35

<p>Mollie, we got married in our college chapel and I thought it was really special. First of all, it was “neutral turf”, but most importantly, we had grown through our young adulthood at Pitt and it seemed appropriate. The fact that it is a beautiful chapel was just a bonus! We had to reserve it a full year in advance, though. You should check the timeline for the MIT chapel.
<a href=“http://www.discover.pitt.edu/chapel/virtual.html[/url]”>http://www.discover.pitt.edu/chapel/virtual.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

36

<p>

Mollie, I have found that trouble often happens when people try to dictate behavior to others. You are quite right to just take a breath. The only advice I’d offer is to be patient and let things unfold on their own – let people offer to be helpful, and accept their kind gestures as sincere. The reason Bridezillas are what they are may be because they are dictating behavior and spending on the part of others, and insist on having their own way. Sometimes the best path is to be patient and say nothing – it’s easier than later regretting what’s already been said. That’s my marital advice, too!!!</p>

37

<p>“We’re both just out of college (and on grad student salaries), so if we paid for the wedding ourselves, it wouldn’t be a church wedding/reception-type deal. This doesn’t particularly bother me – although I’d like to have a traditional wedding, I’m fine forgoing it. Both sets of parents, however, strongly prefer a traditional ceremony + reception.”</p>

<p>?
I don’t think that you have to pay to use a church for a wedding – if the church is one that one of you belong to.</p>

<p>As for receptions, they can be as modest or lavish as you desire. We had ours in a church basement that we rented cheaply. Music was recorded music that we recorded – songs that meant a lot to us. The cake was a gift from one of the guests. We ordered enough wine for the toast. The food was catered by our favorite restaurant, which also happened to be Indonesian and cheap. </p>

<p>We had about 80 friends and relatives. My mom and I decorated the room. We didn’t have table decorations. </p>

<p>Our wedding was performed by a pastor who was a friend of my husband. We had it outside on National Park Service land, a site that meant a lot to us. We wrote the ceremony. </p>

<p>My mom in particular thought that the wedding would be an embarassment because it was so nontraditional. I was irritated, but ignored her. The fact that my fiance and I were paying also made it easy to ignore her. Ironically, after the wedding she kept saying how lovely it was (especially since that was what all of the guests were saying, too). </p>

<p>My husband and I wanted a wedding that reflected us and our values, which is what we had, and almost 30 years later, both of us are still glad that we did it our way.</p>

<p>We deliberately had a dirt cheap wedding. Since we love to travel, where we splurged was on our honeymoon, which I worked an extra job to help pay for, and which we also charged to credit cards. For us, it was a good choice. A wedding is just one day. Our honeymoon was 10 days, and since we both love to travel, we still enjoy the memories.</p>

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<p>*Ironically, after the wedding she kept saying how lovely it was (especially since that was what all of the guests were saying, too). *</p>

<p>Aren’t relatives exasperating that way?
It is ironic, since our whole childhoods they are trying to get us to think for ourselves- not go along just because someone else says so.</p>

39

<p>Mollie, just wanted to add that the big Filene’s Basement Wedding Dress Event is on Friday August 18th, according to an ad in the Globe. It starts at 8:00 am at the Downtown Crossing store, and dresses are priced at $249, $499 and $699, with veils starting at $24.99. According to the ad, the dresses would retail for $900-9,000 – If I had a daughter, I’d be tempted to get one just in case! From what I’ve read about the sale, girls just try on gowns in the middle of the store – some wear swimsuits, and the others are just very brave, I think. Anyway, if you’re in town, you might want to check it out.</p>

40

<p>From what I’ve heard of Filene’s sale, girls take friends with them to grab dresses. Also people will grab dresses in sizes they don’t want to use for bartering for the right size.</p>