<p>One of the important things about planning a wedding is that it’s time for you to make clear to both families that you are in charge of your own lives now. </p>
<p>That said, you do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings.</p>
<p><strong><em>I just attended my niece’s wedding. The mother-in-law wanted a bigger wedding than the mother. (They have a big family, blah, blah.) So, finally my sister-in-law just gave her daughter a check to go towards the wedding and the mother-in-law took over. But in my opinion it was dreadful. Sister-in-law felt bad, wedding was way too big (but still tiny compared to what the in-laws wanted) for my niece’s taste, in-law family literally took over the reception (our family relegated to 3 tables near the kitchen - I’m not kidding). Mother in law clearly played the role of the hostess - mother of the bride was treated like just another guest. It really was bad. I looked at the family dynamic and really felt bad for my niece.</em></strong></p>
<p>Get the two moms to talk. BUT make clear what you want and work within the budget that your parents are comfortable with too.</p>
<p>emerald: Who knew that J Crew did wedding wear? Great stuff. If I had to do it all over, I’d just tell the bridesmaids to pick a color and go find any solid dresses that suit their individual figures. Matching is not necessary. Blending/coordinating works fine. For guys, black suit (although it’s much cheaper to rent a tux, so that would be just as easy.)</p>
<p>Absolutely not a social faux pas for both families to contribute to the costs of the wedding, and this includes families of all economic circumstances. On the other hand, by etiquette, it is NOT considered rude to warmly discourage such participation if this is something your parents want to do on their own. You might try showing your folks bridal magazines, articles and wedding books that discuss contemporary wedding etiquette and this issue as a way to reassure your folks that this is considered quite acceptable today, though.</p>
<p>That said, as weenie’s story illustrates, there <em>can</em> be perils and pitfalls if you decide to go down this road, unless all parties are really on the same page. It’s challenging enough to plan an event of this scope when you’re dealing with only one side of a family. If your FILs mean this offer as a gift and this is something they want to do for you, it’s a lovely gesture.</p>
<p>On the other hand, you have to know yourself as well as the people you are dealing with. Even if you really like and respect your fiancee’s family there is the potential for all kinds of issues to come up if the other side are the type to want to become very involved in the actual planning. In that case anything from the wording of the invitations to the choice of having more guests and a simpler reception versus small and fancier, and everything in between can become a can of worms! </p>
<p>Sometimes, people do recommend the approach of taking on different aspects of the party, such as flowers, music etc. but beware that that can become problematic too as not everyone will share the same tastes and values. For example, the FILs could pick out flowers that are way over the top and totally out of line with the theme of a simple wedding, or a bride who is a real music lover may hate the choice of a DJ or band they come up with. </p>
<p>With folks like yours, though, I’m not so sure that it’s such a good idea to go this route, as they sound pretty traditional, and I’m getting the feeling that they are going to be sensitive to what they perceive as any overstepping by your fiancee’s family. If that’s the case, and for the sake of long term family harmony, thanking the FILs profusely while letting them know your folks want to throw the wedding themselves may be what you end up doing. As others have pointed out, if the FILs want to they can always help in many other ways.</p>
<p>My dad called tonight and said they prefer to pay as much as they can, but they will accept help from Adam’s parents. Hooray! (Part of this, of course, is that my parents just finished paying for undergrad, and I’m not really comfortable with the idea of them paying for everything. They would, of course, but I would prefer for everybody to chip in a little.)</p>
<p>Haha, sjmom, I heard about the Filene’s sale – from the most masculine engineering friend I have. I thought it was so cute that he noticed the sale and remembered to tell me. I might stop by there and check things out – I’m going home on the 19th, and my mom wants to go shopping with me, but I might as well see if there’s some gorgeous cheap dress to be had at Filene’s! :D</p>
<p>I’m definitely going to pick a color and let the bridesmaids pick their own dresses (well, except that there are three of them, so if two of them pick the same dress… the third is SOL!). We’re going for a pretty informal ceremony, and there are lots of inexpensive, pretty tea-length dresses out there.</p>
<p>Oh, I’m so much more excited about planning now that the families are happy.</p>
<p>One idea for bridesmaid dresses is to give them a range of colors - two of my three lived out of town so I sent them a picture of my dress and said to get a dress they liked that worked with my style and several colors swatches. They ended up in peach, cherry, and cranberry so it worked out perfectly. And be sure to end up with at least one splurge - after 20 years I still regret passing up the white carriage to ride from the synagogue to the reception. What would another $100 have mattered at that point!</p>
<p>my friend picked the color red and then us girls chose our own dresses… the two maid of honors (this other girl and myself) chose the same dress, and the three bridesmaids chose a different dress (but still the same as each other) so it’s working out pretty well. I’m not sure what the flower girl picked.</p>
<p>molliebatmit, Great news! Hope it’s all clear sailing from here! Please tell your dad not to even think of it in terms of "accepting help. " That implies something quite different from the fact that your future in-laws are contributing to their son’s (and your) wedding out of love and because they want to, which very much sounds like the case. </p>
<p>By the way, this may make your dad feel better:</p>
<p>Congratulations and all the best to you. This is just the thing we need to take a little break from the college process, we can be wedding consultants:D</p>
<p>we’re cheap, someone’s available 24/7. If Marite and SJmom show up at Filienes, be gentle with them and remember they’ve got all men in their homes. </p>
<p>Momofthree’s D got married last year as she was finishing up grad school.</p>
<p>here’s the thread to give you some ideas and a few laughs (hey I still like the thought of having bugles at the reception;) )</p>
Nordstrom.com has a wedding section with some lovely, more informal wedding dresses, most in the $200-300 range.</p>
<ol>
<li>At my wedding, we rented some very nice white silk floral arrangements from our florist for the front of the church, and she then added large silk blooms and ribbons in our color to the arrangements. This was so much cheaper than fresh flowers and looked fine from a distance.</li>
</ol>
<p>It’s so refreshing to hear about wedding plans that are reasonable!</p>
<p>Stickershock, you sound just like my family! NO WAY should any family members of the bride host a shower. (Its like asking for presents on behalf of a family member …the bride) and CASH BAR?? I was in a wedding where it was a cash bar and no one in the bridal party thought to bring any cash. I had a twenty stuck in my bra for good measure (no pun intended!) and that paid for about 4 drinks for the bridal party. TACK-O.</p>
<p>I thought it was acceptable for an aunt or a cousin to host a bridal or baby shower (but not the mother or sister). In other words, not a member of the immediate family, but outside of that circle would be OK. Is that not the case? </p>
<p>My neighbor’s daughter had a bridal shower hosted by her aunt, a very fancy tea held at the Ritz in Boston for the bride’s close friends, mom, sister, and bridal attendants. I thought that sounded lovely and does not seem out of line to me.</p>
<p>…because I know a lot of you would rather think about weddings than SATs!</p>
<p>We’ll have our reception at Boston’s Museum of Science (so excited about this! :D), and will probably have the wedding at the MIT chapel.</p>
<p>I think the flowers will be oranges and yellows to celebrate fall, and we’ll have sky blue accents – the bridesmaids want sky blue dresses, which is reasonable, since not too many people look good in yellow. Our flower girl will be the daughter of one of the bridesmaids, and the ringbearer will probably also be a little girl – fiance’s second cousin. No little boys in the family, alas.</p>
<p>I am kind of lucky in that my personal taste tends toward clean lines and bright colors… I don’t like a lot of the expensive wedding stuff because I think it’s too busy and foofy.</p>
<p>Random thought: if you haven’t decided where to get your wedding cake form, may I suggest Party Favors in Brookline? Hands down, they have the best cake I’ve tasted.</p>
<p>I dont know how you are going to wear your hair or how you are built, but I like the maggie and pia wedding dresses best
I also like your ring very classic.</p>
<p>Gorgeous stuff. Is this like the Today Show wedding episodes where we get to vote on what the wedding party wears, etc?! EK, We must have the same taste - I also love the Maggie and Pia dresses, they are stunning! :)</p>
<p>I think everything is gorgeous!!! I vote for the CandiceMarie or Rebecca gown, although all are lovely. And the view from the MOS is absolutely wonderful. Thanks for sharing this with all of us – it’s a lot more fun than dealing with any more college stuff!</p>
<p>One of my friends offered to make the cake (she’s made several others, and they’ve all looked really lovely)… we might stick with her, since she’ll just charge for materials. But I want to discuss details with her – I think the cakes she’s made previously have been much smaller, etc. If we decide to buy a cake, though, I’ll definitely check there.</p>
<p>I am so excited about the museum. Adam and I aren’t really big into partying/dancing the night away, so we were trying to find a place that was interesting on its own. At the museum, you get to have your cocktail hour in the middle of the exhibits! I love it. (The museum rep showed us around last week, and she pointed to a stuffed moose and said, “And you’ll have your cocktails over there by the moose…” Hee.) We also looked into the New England Aquarium, but it smells like fish there. :)</p>
AWESOME!!!</p>