<p>My daughter just got married in June so we went through the whole deal.
The wedding websites are wonderful, but some older people are not used to that vehicle. It would be VERY permissible to put a notation on the registry listing on the website that transporting gifts back will be difficult, so gift cards would be appreciated. OR- use a US address. In our case, the wedding couple was moving to our home city a month before the wedding, so they used our home address for the shipping of all packages. </p>
<p>It’s a different world now, and most people are very accepting of that. We did not use RSVP cards, for example, but provided a website link on the invitation and also a phone number (for those who were not internet savvy). It was simply the way my daughter and her fiance chose to do it. There were places they wanted to save money, and the RSVP cards was one of those places. I think people appreciate being given good guidance on what gifts would be really appreciated. Yes, there will be a few who get bent out of shape, but there always will be!</p>
<p>Zoosermom, giving money is more an issue of ethnicity/culture than social class, in my experience. For example, 25 years ago it was completely normal in Jewish and Italian circles in the NYC area to give cash, no matter what the person’s income level. Many Mediterranean and Eastern European cultures have a tradition of giving “gold” to the bride. Giving money was virtually unheard of for people I knew of other European (speaking broadly) ancestry in the same area.</p>
<p>I think the habit of giving cash has spread, but it usually doesn’t sit right with me, I admit. (I remember that the first time I heard of it was when I saw The Godfather in high school. Someone had to explain to me what they were doing!) I always think of wedding gifts as the kind of thing that enable the couple to live with some graciousness, such as nice china and silver. Not stuff that you “need” and wouldn’t hesitate to buy yourself.</p>
<p>One exception was a couple I was friends with, who were both around 40. They had household stuff, but didn’t have a lot of money, and had a secret dream of honeymooning in Italy. A mutual friend sent a charming note to all of us explaining that she had wormed this out of them, and suggesting that instead of buying something we all give cash to contribute to this–rather modest, actually-- trip of a lifetime. I was happy to send a check with a note saying something like “Have dinner in Rome on me!”</p>
<p>In the case of the couple planning to live in the UK, registering at a UK stores’ websites would seem like a good idea. If the couple has a wedding website, they could put a nice note along the lines of “Some friends have asked us what to do about gifts, since we can’t transport things to the UK easily. So we’ve registered at X and Y.” I wouldn’t say anything direct about cash. People who feel comfortable giving cash will figure it out.</p>
<p>"ust out of curiousity–do you think the honeymoon registry is tackier than the typical department store registry? It has become social acceptable to say that you want 12 settings of a particular kind of china "</p>
<p>I think that registry info should be spread by word of mouth, not included in wedding invitations as some do. Putting such things in wedding invitations is like saying, “We ask for your presence, but what we really want are your presents.”</p>
<p>For the record, H and I didn’t register at all because H thought that doing that was tacky.</p>
<p>When I was a new associate in a ny law firm, I had my own first experience with wedding registries. I guess that these were among the first non family weddings that I went to and so I was responsible for getting the gift myself. As a recent grad with debt, I remember thinking that the place settings and crystal etc. were too pricey for me, and that I would fall back on that old staple cash. It was not until a couple of years later that I was able to afford registry gifts, and then I sent them, figuring that the couple wanted these things.</p>
<p>For a family wedding a few years back, I sent the bride something from her registry for her shower,and the grandmother complained to my MIL (the grandmother’s sister.) For the wedding I made sure to give cash.</p>
<p>Back then, I thought that the registries were done by people from a wealthier background than I, and that they were supposed to be in good taste. I think I was only invited to one or two weddings in the last 25 years where there was no registry. For one of those, I was the maid of honor, and I agonized over a gift, for which I picked a beautiful crystal vase. The couple later got transferred to Japan for a while so who knows what happened to it.</p>
<p>When I got married myself, I happened to receive almost the same vase from a second cousin. I certainly liked it, but I remember thinking how ironic. I picked it for a special friend, and the cousin, who is lovely, really did not know me at all.</p>
<p>Things have changed, of course, and today registries are popular, but many people are still not comfortable with the idea of alternatives such as a honeymoon registry. The traditional etiquette guides do find them objectionable ( the idea being that it’s too much like asking for $$$ - if you can’t afford the honeymoon, then wait or have a less fancy wedding ). Knowing that many people really do feel this way might influence a couple (or it might not). </p>
<p>More modern etiquette experts(like Emily Post’s great-great granddaughter) say that alternative registries are OK , but that one should never solicit - people are still supposed to ask where the couple is registered. I think it’s smart, if people go this route, to provide more than one type of registry choice if asked - because there are definitely going to be people who are not comfortable with the honeymoon type of registry. Personally, I wouldn’t do a trip registry, but on the other hand I would not mind or object to the idea of giving a gift off of one. What I do find objectionable is when the registries are marketed to guests by way of the invitation etc. That’s really never appropriate.</p>
<p>anothermom, you bring up a good point about registries. When my D chose the items to put on her registry list, she made sure to choose a range of items, with a good range of prices. Some guests were young people, early in their careers, like she is, and who would not be able to afford an expensive gift. The registry rep at the store who helped her set it up and list her choices was the one who advised that 12 place settings was the usual amount to list. She and I both thought that that was excessive but this woman said that often, especially if you have a large wedding, the registry will be depleted quickly and so, it’s better to be sure you have enough items listed to accomodate everyone who wants to give a gift in that manner. We did not have a large wedding so it wasn’t an issue for us. The other advantage, at her store anyway, was that the bridal couple get a 20% discount on any items listed on their registry for an indefinite period of time. A nice perq!</p>