<p>I am hoping there are people out there with recent experience of wedding planning. My D became engaged the day before she returned to college abroad and I am now trying to help sort out many of the details of a wedding next summer with guests from both the US and the UK. One problem that has surfaced is that people in the US may give her gifts that she cannot transport back to the UK. (After the recent loss of my mother, I was told by the airline that I could pay for a third suitcase, but any more would require authorization even before I paid for them, and I might not be able to get that authorization. Also, shipping costs are now double what they were when she started university and with a wedding to pay for, it is not possible to pay for that as well.) With D trying to get four years worth of her life back to the UK after graduation, there will be no room for extras. In my experience, very few people realize the problems with giving you “just one small thing more” to pack into your luggage. We do not wish to be rude, but is it possible to somehow indicate in the invitation that transport is not possible for wedding gifts? D will be registered at a department store in the UK and, of course, money is the only other gift that would not cause a problem for her, but that can hardly be said. Is there any way we can convey this lack of available transport message without breaching etiquette or must she verbally explain this to all of her college and family friends in the US?</p>
<p>There is the website “the Knot”, which a lot of couples use for wedding planning, and you may find this helpful. There is also Wedding Channel. I have not made a wedding, but over the last few years I have been to a few for the children of friends and relatives, and I have come across these sites in tracking registries. I think there is a place where the couple can make their own “wedding website” on the wedding channel as our friends’ children did. This gives space to personalize some things like those that you mention, e.g. will be living in UK after marriage…</p>
<p>I think that the invitation is not the place to mention gifts in standard etiquette. Naturally people use many other ways to do this with save the date cards listing registries or shower invites with registries. I thought that the save the date card that we received which listed the couple’s website on the wedding channel did that in a way that was not tacky. You will also have a place to list the logistics, hotels for out of town guests, etc., which was also done by the couple I am referring to. </p>
<p>You are in the UK now? I ask because I wonder whether some wedding customs for your UK guests may be different than ours, and it would be good to check your UK sources for “what is done”.</p>
<p>Best of luck and happiness to all.</p>
<p>My son just got married and they registered at only one place. They are a very young couple, and they needed lots of stuff, but they didn’t need fancy stuff. They needed basics. People figured that out on their own and gave them mostly money. When they did receive a gift that was either a duplicate or something they would never use, they returned it. Honestly, I think people just wanted to help them. They don’t much care.</p>
<p>When I married, I moved overseas too. I registered for things that I could take with me, or things that I would like to have forever and left them at my mother’s until such time that I would move back. I’m glad I did. I still have those things. When people asked what we wanted (usually they ask family members, not the couple so it’s easier) the situation was explained and people gave us money. And of course, we returned those things that we would never use.</p>
<p>They don’t have to take everything at once. Many couples return duplicate wedding gifts or things they can’t use. That’s perfectly acceptable. Also, they can store some things and take them on parents’/family/friends’ subsequent trips. Also if there are family members coming from the UK for the wedding, can’t some of them transport extra gifts back? Hopefully, most people will realize that money is the appropriate gift under these circumstances.</p>
<p>I live in NYC where most people at my (how I can I put this?) social level give money. In those circles, money is expected and anything else would be cause for offense and discussion.</p>
<p>That said, I think the only thing to do is discretely tell people of the circumstances and make sure the word gets around. (I read something similar in Miss Manners and this was her answer)</p>
<p>zm, I remember reading a similar thing. While direct mentioning of monetary gifts only on the invites is usually considered very tacky, spreading the word around bypasses the issue.
We went to a friends’ wedding and we knew that the couple was in the process of merging two houses into one, so it was very intuitive to us that the last thing they needed was more stuff. I hope the fact that the young couple will be moving overseas will give the guests a good hint.</p>
<p>usmom, one of my Ds got married this summer. They registered at just one store although there was no mention of it on the invitations (that truly IS tacky). They did not have the issue of travelling overseas to live but they did have the situation of having lived together for a couple of years so they really had little need of ‘stuff’. The items they chose on their registry were specifically chosen items that they would have loved to have. What we found was that most people do ask about gifts, and that was the opportunity to tell them about the registry. Often they’d also ask if the bride and groom would prefer cash. They didn’t end up getting anything that wasn’t on their registry, and they got several gifts of $$. One thing you might want to confirm, if you’re using a UK department store for the registry items, is that it isn’t a problem for North American guests to order gifts. Best wishes to you and your family. Weddings are fun! :)</p>
<p>Well…a neighbor of ours did something I’d normally consider tacky, but did it well. He and his fiance listed items for their honeymoon on their gift registry, instead of household things. Some of the items were relatively inexpensive. Some were expensive. Their site said where they wanted to go. So, gifts were things like dinner for two at [very famous restaurant in honeymoon locale] $500; car rental for a week at $X; sightseeing tour of honeymoon locale for 2 $200, etc. Chilled bottle of champagne waiting for our arrival at X hotel–$100, etc. </p>
<p>At first, I was a bit put off by it…but it was well done and their intro message explained that they really didn’t need household items and what they really did want was a trip of a lifetime.</p>
<p>Here is a link to the site that does it:
[Honeymoon</a> Registry, Travel Planning, Perfect Newlywed Experience | Traveler’s Joy](<a href=“http://www.travelersjoy.com/]Honeymoon”>http://www.travelersjoy.com/) </p>
<p>I’d be interested in reactions. You can view a few couples’ listings on the site, which gives you an idea of what this does. </p>
<p>Again, I have mixed feelings, but I like the idea that someone can feel they gave you a specific experience instead of just cash.</p>
<p>I have noticed that recently couples often set up a website related to their wedding and enclose the web address and any necessary code to enter with their save the date cards or invitations. The websites are fun for guests to read, both for those who know the couple well and those who don’t. And they can have links to registries. Anyway, that would be a place to explain where the couple will live after the wedding and if stated correctly, it can give guests the hint about what would be most useful to the couple. But there will always be people who give gifts that aren’t useful, returnable, ugly, etc. But my husband and I still laugh about one wedding gift we received which was a nonreturnable cheese dish in the shape of a mouse. It is probably still packed away.</p>
<p>I had something to go with odyssey’s cheese dish: a plate commemorating Cain and Abel (really - true). My daughter brought to school for show and tell years ago, and it broke, so I got to throw it out without regret.</p>
<p>I always wonder what that kind of gift says about the giver’s opinion of the receiver.</p>
<p>In the interest of full disclosure, Cain was not a wedding gift, and we always thought it was meant as a joke, given the people involved. I am not sure why any company would make a Cain and Abel plate… I think the mouse cheese dish was thought to be cute by somebody.</p>
<p>Our mouse shaped cheese dish was given by my husband’s uncle and the family enjoys many good-natured laughs about many of his idiosyncrasies and his taste level. He is a beloved character.</p>
<p>Nothing you can really do in the invite that would be tactful…but it could certainly be stated on their web page. They shouldn’t register anywhere in the US…even if the store says they will ship abroad. </p>
<p>People will ask you where they are registered, and you will then state the store and location. However there will be some people who will then tell you how inconvenient it would be for them to get her something from there, and couldn’t they just get her something small-sized. At that point, it would be very appropriate for you to be a little more insistent, review your daughters situation, and…if they continue…suggest money or just their good wishes as a gift.</p>
<p>Even if they aren’t registered here, it is likely no matter what is said, there will still be some gifts given stateside.</p>
<p>I received 4 wedding invitations this year and 3 of the couples set up their own websites full of information for guests (many out of town). 2 couples wanted cash. One couple explicitly informed their guests on their website that they are moving out of town, have not found an apt yet, so cash gifts would be most welcome. Another couple said they wish to donate a part of their wedding gifts to earthquake victims in China and asked the guests to assist them in this endeavor.</p>
<p>I thought the way the first couple asked was a bit tacky and the second couple was rather clever.</p>
<p>There are indeed many wedding blogs and websites that help couples navigate just this kind of tricky situation with some grace and class. Many couples “register” for their honeymoon, as already suggested, or they could only register at a UK store so that people will get the idea. These are happy problems, though. Congratulations on the engagement!</p>
<p>"Well…a neighbor of ours did something I’d normally consider tacky, but did it well. He and his fiance listed items for their honeymoon on their gift registry, instead of household things. Some of the items were relatively inexpensive. Some were expensive. Their site said where they wanted to go. "So, gifts were things like dinner for two at [very famous restaurant in honeymoon locale] $500; car rental for a week at $X; sightseeing tour of honeymoon locale for 2 $200, etc. Chilled bottle of champagne waiting for our arrival at X hotel–$100, etc. </p>
<p>At first, I was a bit put off by it…but it was well done and their intro message explained that they really didn’t need household items and what they really did want was a trip of a lifetime."</p>
<p>I got an invitation from someone who used that or a similar site. I thought the site was tacky, and I turned down the wedding invitation and sent nothing. I felt like it was a shakedown. I also didn’t even know why I was invited. I’d taught the groom about 10 years ago, and didn’t know his bride. </p>
<p>I think the best way to spread the word about what one wants is by word of mouth, not by putting it in the wedding invitation or directing prospective wedding guests to an Internet site. What the couples may think is charming may be considered crass to others.</p>
<p>NSM–</p>
<p>Just out of curiousity–do you think the honeymoon registry is tackier than the typical department store registry? It has become social acceptable to say that you want 12 settings of a particular kind of china or 12 Waterford wine glasses in a Kinsale pattern. I’m just wondering if there’s a distinction between that and saying you want dinner at X restaurant. Sincerely, I’m interested in your opinion…</p>
<p>IMO all of these registries do the same thing–they give invited guests a shopping list. Some guests love it because it’s convenient and they don’t have to put much thought into gift giving. For people who enjoy the process of gift giving and like to put some thought and time into selecting a great gift, these registries just don’t feel right (can you tell I’m in this camp?). That being said, I recognize the convenience and ease of the registries and the fact that the wedding couple gets exactly what they want. (Personally, I liked seeing the kinds of items people gave us and years later we still remember and talk about some of the gifts–good and bad). All of this is to say that I (I know you asked another poster–but I’m giving you my two cents–LOL) don’t see the difference between the honeymoon registry and the Crate and Barrel registry. The former is simply newer and something with which most people aren’t familiar.</p>
<p>Interesting that this came up today in “Annie’s Mailbox” (used to be Ann Landers until her death). </p>
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<p>[url=<a href="http://www.creators.com/lifestylefeatures/annies-mailbox.html?columnsName=ama]ANNIE’S">http://www.creators.com/lifestylefeatures/annies-mailbox.html?columnsName=ama]ANNIE’S</a> MAILBOX(R) by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar on Creators.com - A Syndicate Of Talent<a href=“second%20letter%20in%20the%20column”>/url</a></p>