Wedding Gift for Parent Remarrying

Parent Cafe
21

I would have been happy for my FIL to find companionship when his wife passed away too early.

I hear that this is a change in the family dynamics. Think back to when you were in 7th or 8th grade and your best friend ditched you at the last minute for a member of the opposite sex. It’s was much the same for your FIL.

I do give you permission to be passive aggressive. Tell the future wife in front of FIL you would love to join her at the soup kitchen to meet her relatives and provide coffee and dessert after. If the relatives cannot show support then he may see the future.

22

I think that a lot of people on this thread have not experienced having an 80+ FIL taken over by a whacko gold-digger whose first step was to separate him from his sons and grandchildren, some of whom lived within a mile. A woman who was only interested in having him take her out, not in taking any kind of care of HIM when he needed it.

Yes, this person does not sound that extreme, but she is marrying an 80 yr old with children and grandchildren but seems unprepared for the task. If a nice, mature person, she would go along with family traditions to a reasonable degree, even if they weren’t her cup of tea. That is what you do when you marry someone at ANY age. She, of course, also has her own traditions and interests. He should go along with those to a reasonable degree. It doesn’t sound as if there is any reciprocity here.

I think the fact that she had a prior victim fits perfectly. So did the woman who preyed on my FIL. I would not surprised if she found another after he died. She managed to get him to hire her lawyer who altered his will in her favor, although she was unable to get him to marry her and his “signature” on the will a week or two before he died was so degraded that it bore witness to his diminished mental state. Nevertheless, she succeeded in looting about $100K from the estate. The only bright spot is that her shyster lawyers, who ought to have been disbarred, probably took at least a third of it. She also stole his car, but that was repossessed when she failed to make the payments. her own car was supposedly undriveable. (Ironically, it was the exact make, model, and year of the car I was driving at the time.) She did manage to make off with some family heirlooms, such as a valuable piece of American art pottery. A gift, you know, like the car.

23

@Consolation - I’m sorry to hear about your experience. I really don’t know that she has bad intentions, she just has no intentions of becoming part of our family and for some odd reason, my FIL is okay with that. He truly is acting like a 13 yo boy that is getting attention from a girl - her and her widowed girlfriends. He’s never dated anyone by my MIL and he’s acting goofy. We just want him to invite her into our family not take him away.

I could go on and on but I won’t - we’ve picked out a two wedding gifts. I guess now I need to pick out a Chrismas gift too!

24

All I can say is good luck to you, @threeofthree. I remain highly suspicious of the will thing, and of the experience with the prior family.

There are a lot of clueless widowers out there, and a lot of predators. If a widow or widower finds a nice partner, I think that’s great. Alas, that is not always the case.

25

As a divorced person with grown children, I do not understand why people need to get married after a certain age. I don’t think I would even want to have someone with me 24-7. My hat off to anyone who would be willing to accommodate another person at that age.

26

FIL lost wife at 78 and remarried at 80. Both widowed and lonely. Difficult for H to accept at first but I had no issues. She was different but very nice. She passed a year before he did at 95. It was a second life for him and good. They were from close towns and similar ages.

They had a prenuptial that we asked about a lot but it was made 1.5 years into their marriage, even though we were assured it was done much earlier. Had he died first, the estate including H’s mothers estate would have been hers. They had eloped and got married.

They were religious and she taught Sunday school. They felt that they could not live together without getting married.

27

That doesn’t sound like a prenup to me.

28

And that’s why instruments like QTIPs make a lot of sense…

We went through that with FIL, too, when he found a GF after MIL tragic death. His GF insisted on marriage - the sicker he got, the more insistent she became. She wanted to secure the house for her son, because FIL’s kids were “well off.” Even though it was true, SIL was furious that her childhood place would go to an alcoholic who could not hold a job for more than a few months. Long story short, they never got married, SIL got the property with the GF getting a life estate of sorts.

29

It sounds like there is a clash of expectations here – the elderly bride has one set of expectations, the offspring of the elderly groom has a very different set of expectations. There is no right or wrong – but given that the OP is the one posting here, I’d suggest that it might help a lot to take a step back from worrying about how things should or ought to be, and adopt a more open and non-judgmental perspective. If the true issue is a concern about the FIL’s finances and estate — then better to identify those as separate issues, and not mix it up with concerns about whether the fiancee chooses to accept invitations to football games or what was meant by a question about wedding planning.

I’ve been through this twice with my own father. My mom died very suddenly when my Dad was in his early 50’s; he remarried about a year later. Wife #2 was nothing at all like my mom - completely opposite in terms of personality. She also had been divorced twice-- my dad was her third husband – and while I viewed that as something of a red flag, that marriage lasted 30 years. Wife #2 became quite ill in her 70’s. She passed away when my dad was in his mid-80’s – and he remarried less than 6 months later Wife #3 is also very different, but she’s a real charmer with a great sense of humor – so we get along quite well.

But the point is – a second wife is not a replacement for a first. Nor is a woman who is marrying a man with grown children taking on the role of step-mom in anything other than name - she may or may not be nurturing toward the grown offspring, she may or may not attempt to form independent relationships with them – that’s up to her. The point is that she doesn’t have an obligation to do so.

Also, even though it’s natural when a parent is well-off for the offspring form an expectation of a future inheritance - that simply is not something that is legally required, nor is the prospective groom under any obligation to make legal arrangements to protect his estate. My advice is that if there are any family heirlooms that are important – it’s better to ask that they be passed down while the father is still alive. (I’d define a heirloom in part as an object that has greater sentimental and emotional value than monetary value) Beyond that, accept that it’s quite likely that wills will be written that leave money and house to the surviving spouse.

Anyway – my advice: let it go. Accept the new wife for what she is, and don’t expect her to fill the role of her deceased predecessor. Even if she wanted to, she would never live up to whatever expectations surround that role – but that is not what she is trying to do. You have every right to mourn the loss of your MIL and the presence she had in your life – but your FIL also has a right and very likely a strong need to move on with his life.

30

I do not GET being upset by the events described.

Your FIL is the one who is saying he doesn’t want to go to family outings and would rather stay home with her. Blame him if you’re feeling neglected. You are blaming her because he’s not fighting her for a chance to be with you guys. Here’s a thought…maybe he simply prefers her company? Maybe losing your wife of 60 years hurts so bad you want to die…and meeting someone who makes you feel good and alive again…beats the hell out of having your kids tell you what to do?

Maybe he doesn’t want to do all the old family activities that remind him of time he spent with his dead wife. Maybe he needs a break from the grief, a change, something new that makes life bearable again.

Maybe instead of revisiting old things, you should try new things together. Her’s a thought…maybe you guys should go to her soup night, meet their friends, take an interest in his new life? Stop treating him like his life outside your mom’s memory is meaningless. He’s still alive.

Parents don’t owe their kids anything. They don’t owe them tradition and they don’t owe them an inheritance.

If he wants to marry a gold digger at the end of his life and leave her every cent he has, guess what? He has every right to do that. They’re both 80 for God’s sake…what’s she going to do with his money? Run off to the Caribbean with the pool boy?

The only people straining the relationship…are you and your husband. Let him live his life. Be happy for him. If he misses you, he’ll let you know.

I don’t mean to sound so harsh, but seriously, your post was offputtingly selfish…all about your needs and your husband’s needs and your comfort level and your hurt feelings. What about his?

HIS WIFE OF 60 YEARS IS DEAD. He’s shattered. His feelings should be the ONLY thing you’re thinking about…and all you’re thinking of is yourselves.

Put on your big girl pants, plaster a smile on your face, serve the cake, smack your husband upside the head… and both of you…hug the stuffing out of the old girl for giving him the smallest bit of comfort in the worst grief you could ever imagine. Even if you despise her personally…recognize that she is his contemporary, his friend, and the person who wants to build the rest of her life around him and hold his hand at night. That’s HUGE. Respect that!

31

So FIL might want to make sure she is “done right” this time after he dies. So she got some form off the internet and made you and your dh responsible for her medical bills? Golddigger, I say.

32

@threeofthree I empathize with you. We have people like her in our family and it really sucks, and there’s not much you can do. Not the gold-digger part, the just plain unfriendly part.

33

Actually, It sounds like there has been plenty of “unfriendly” stuff on the part of the OP and husband as well. She was asked if she’d like to help serve at the reception. The husband says “NO , she would like to be served.” Sounds rather unfriendly and hostile to me. Good luck and hope the relationships become more pleasant for all involved.

34

Who asks a newly minted family member to stand behind a table and serve punch at an upscale wedding?

To be fair, that wasn’t what struck me as unfriendly about the OP’s new MIL, though. I’d classify that as insensitive.

35

The reception is at the bride’s church hall. As I believe has been noted, being asked to “serve” can be considered an honor ( google wedding reception in Wikipedia). It is the rehearsal dinner that is at a country club and a more “upscale” setting.

36

I understood the reception to be in a church’s common area so it isn’t upscale. In the previous generation, serving at someone’s reception was considered an honor as others have mentioned. What’s wrong with the father being in love with this woman and acting like a school boy? Being in love is not only for the young and it is a wonderful feeling. Two years is a long time to be alone at that age. Yes, the family dynamic has changed. But hold him responsible for that - not her. Things change. When your kids leave home, life changes. When you have grandkids, life changes. Allow them to be happy and be kind.

Crossposted woth sevmon

37

You should see the churches here in Atlanta. Combine that with the country club rehearsal dinner and I’ll wager it’s not a byob potluck backyard wedding.

But yeah, I think it is a cultural thing, and I’m willing to bet that there’s a fairly large gulf between the OP and the new MIL in terms of what they consider to be family obligations and friendliness.

38

But luckily, the OP has chosen a thoughtful wedding gift.

What more is there to say?

39

I agree with the above. Brides sometimes used to hunt for “jobs” for people to do so that they wouldn’t feel left out. My stepmom’s sister asked me to guard the guestbook at her wedding, and while it wasn’t something I was crazy about doing (I was 9 years old and wanted to run around with my brothers), I understood it was intended to make me feel included in the family.

I felt like the OP has some legitimate gripes, but at the same time, found her husband’s response to be really rude and her absolute refusal to help as an overt message of hostility.

I think there are clear signs that the OP’s family would not be welcoming of anyone; the shortcomings of this woman are just deepening the ill will.

40

Given the woman’s age, she probably grew up with the practice of asking close friends to help serve tea, coffee, etc. as an “honor.” That was certainly the thing to do for my very Southern mother. An example - my sisters-in-law were asked (by my mother) to serve as greeters at the table where the guest book was stationed at the entrance to our wedding reception. I forget how it was phrased, but this “honor” was even mentioned in the newspaper write up about our wedding and reception. I’m not trying to give the new MIL a pass on everything, but this could have been a misunderstanding about customs and the OP’s husband may have inadvertently insulted the MIL with his reply.

There may be reasons why the MIL declines to attend sporting events, too, that she doesn’t wish to go into detail about with her new relatives. I have multiple medical issues, nearly all of which are not visible, that make it difficult for me to do many things I did years ago. When something is very important to a loved one, I can take some Rx meds that may help reduce the pain and likelihood of other problems so that I can attend, but there are repercussions afterwards so I am quite selective about what is worth the risks. My children are aware of the medical problems, but because they don’t see the daily impact or notice my coping mechanisms they usually forget. I don’t want to turn into one of those old people who constantly complain about their health, so I rarely mention anything. None of our friends or extended family have been told anything.

On the other hand, it would be nice if the MIL would encourage her new husband to go alone to some of the family events. If he went to just a quarter of them, that would go a long way to keeping close to his children and grandchildren. For now, he’s choosing not to go and it’s not fair to vilify her for his decision. We have an in-law who behaves like the MIL and it’s taken nearly a decade for her husband to decide that he can visit his friends and family of origin without her. He could have made that choice years ago, but he didn’t want to leave her at home alone.