My 79 yo FIL is remarrying in 2 weeks, less than 2 years after his 60 year marriage to my MIL who died of cancer in February 2014. My husband will be his best man (he is not happy, has been biting his tongue since this was announced) and both my youngest and middle son will be ushers they are very unhappy. The future bride asked if I’d like to help “serve” at the reception, presumably so I felt like I was taking part in the wedding??? My husband told her “NO, she would like to be served.” Apparently, they are having the reception at their church’s family life center but the rehearsal dinner (of course he pays for that) is at an exclusive Atlanta country club.
My question is about a wedding gift. My husband and I offered 2 months ago to my FIL to pay for the flowers or pay for a photographyer or pay for the cake - they have not given us an answer on anything, so, to date, we have no wedding gift for them. They apparently have all the other stuff handled.
Theatre or symphony season tix? Airline/hotel gift card? 79 year olds don’t need more “stuff”.
I do understand not being happy about it, but a friend’s dad remarried under similar circumstances, and our friend concluded that if dad was happy, then he wasn’t going to be expecting his adult kids to make him happy. Now that friend’s dad is having health problems, the family is relieved the spouse is there and they do not have to be constantly flying cross country (they see him regularly, but they don’t have to get on a plane wth every issue).
@threeofthree, you didn’t mention your reasons for not being happy about this wedding… did your FIL’s fiance do something to offend you and your family? Do you not trust her intentions? I know that it is really hard to see a parent/in law start over with a new partner after the death of a longtime spouse. Why are your sons unhappy to be ushers? Is it because they are missing time spent with their grandfather, or are they picking up on your cues? I think life is too short to spend years grieving and remaining alone. At 79, after the painful loss of his spouse, he has found a partner to love and that doesn’t mean he didn’t adore your MIL. I think the best gift you could give them is to attend the wedding with happy hearts and be supportive. (And maybe even help serve at the reception! Though I realize this may not be your cup of tea, this may be how they do things in their church community… and by joining in the festivities rather than sitting and waiting to be served, you may be able to build a bridge rather than start to create a wedge.)
Good Wine? Restaurant gift card? The Bride sounds like she is into the traditional wedding thing -so maybe a silver photo frame? Weekend stay at a hotel or B&B?
I wanted to comment on a couple of things. When I was a girl ( I am 50 now) growing up in GA ,it was common to ask your girlfriends who weren’t bridesmaids to help with serving the cake. It was supposed to be an honor. I know it seems a bit strange now looking back on it.
Also it seems elderly widowers often remarry very quickly -it seems very common. Especially the ones that had happy marriages.
This does sound difficult for all of you. I can’t imagine my Mom or my In-laws re-marrying. Sending positive thoughts!
I’m going with the gut feeling of family not being happy with this marriage. Personally, I’m hoping she is a nurturing woman who will care for the Man and spare the family many concerns. Men who have had a happy marriage are more disposed to want more of the same.
Best gift…be happy for them. Welcome them into your family.
It’s not easy being alone after a lot of years of marriage. Companionship is a very healthy and good thing. I hope you can celebrate this happiness with them.
Thank you for the gift suggestions - a silver wedding frame seems appropriate and season tickets to a local theatre company they like to attend is a great idea. Thank you all.
Regarding the unhappiness - she approached him the Sunday after my MIL was buried. My MIL and FIL were very close to us - we bought season football tickets for them to come with us every week - he only missed when my MIL got sick and he is a huge fan and loved driving to my sons school every weekend - he did not have a college experience so he loved it on game day. He no longer joins us - we just spread out 3 people on 4 seats now because he doesn’t want to leave his fiance for a day…I’ve offered to stay home for a few games so she could go…she has no interest. We go to my middle sons for away games because he hosts a get together, lots of fun, he comes for 1/2 of game because she doesn’t like football, and this Saturday was “soup day” at her senior community. She couldn’t sit through 1 football game with his family? We have always had Sunday dinners together alternating houses - she won’t come to visit us…only if we go out to eat. And, no we are not giving off “vibes”. She has no children and has no idea how to compromise on anything - she does not do what she does not want to do - no need to put out effort, she’s almosts 80 and she’s earned to behave the way she behaves - she basically said that about another issue. She is divorced from her first husband and married her second husband when she was in her late 40’s and he was in his late 60’s. My FIL thinks “she has been done wrong” by her dead husbands children because they didn’t give her part of the business (his real estate business with his adult children) when he died, he just left her a huge Atlanta house and life insurance with no bills and his kids don’t like her. Oh, also - her own nieces and nephews don’t like her either according to my FIL and she really doesn’t have anybody except him and all her widowed girlfriends.
He’s already bought her a home at $30k+ above comps in the neighborhood (and that includes the upgrades) because it was a friend of hers and that’s what she asked for – so they skipped the realtor and just gave her what she asked for. She liked the kitchen but she told my husband and I “of course, I don’t cook so he won’t expect that from me”. We begged my FIL to make an offer in the range of the comps to start but he said “she really wanted the house and her friend was asking that so I didn’t want to cause any problems”.
She is not joining our life, she is pulling him into hers and yes it bothers us that he doesn’t stand up for his family.
I would love for him to find a nice, loving, companion that would like to join his family. This is not her.
Wow - I may get another warning that this should be in the “venting” thread. Oh well - I do feel better.
@deb922 - thank you…feeling a bit sorry for myself as we miss my MIL and now we miss him. Perhaps we will invade their space and spend a lot of time in her new home - we’ll call first of course before coming over and maybe bring dinner to share.
In the bright side I just bought a mini-season package to a local theatre they like to attend!
@1214mom - my husband actually asked my FIL about his will and getting a Pre-nup. He agreed to do so and then after constant badgering by my husband gave him some document that made no sense and actually had my husband and I responsible for her medical bills if he dies but no money??? When my husband asked what attorney he used, he said she got it off the internet and filled in the blanks. My husband got an attorney and made his dad go with him - gave my FIL a lot to think about (BTW a will is basically not honored if it was made during the life of a first wife and the man remarries - so he was required to create a new will as well). We haven’t seen any of this since he went to the attorney though - it should have been completed but I don’t think my husband has seen it yet.
Hopefully we will both soften a bit and can meet in the middle.
It can be difficult to accept someone else into the fold when you have had good experiences and memories of the person who is gone. Apparently, sitting at a football game is not this woman’s cup of tea. Maybe check out “soup day” at her place. Frankly, at almost 80, her interests and friendships as a woman without children are probably very important to her. Maybe look for something to enjoy together that she can also get behind. And hopefully , your FIL will update his will with this new marriage and still include you and your family in it? Is that part of the anxiety?
I think it is very nice OP FIL is able to find someone to share his remainder time with. He is better off with someone than by himself. At the same time, I would make sure there is pre-nupt if the FIL has significant assets.
I am confused actually about your first post- offering to pay for a photographer, flowers, or cake as a wedding gift? That does not really sound like a wedding gift for a 79 year old man of means, it sounds like something parents might do for a child getting married. Is there anything positive at all you can find in the bride to be?
I just have to put this out there. I’m not 80, and I have NO interest at all in sitting outside at any football game. And I wouldn’t do it because others did.
Over time, I hope you can find a common thread with this new family member.
I think your theater ticket gift is a nice one.
I would see if she still wants someone to serve the cake. I’ve done that at weddings and agree, it’s an honor to be asked.
@thumper1 - you are right I agree you don’t have to sit outside at a football game but at my son’s home with food provided and family, only 15 minutes from where you live w/ my FIL driving you - nope, she should have made the effort.
As far as the cake, no, I really don’t want to serve it. I will be cordial and continue to invite her to our events and will make attempts to go to them but it would be nice if they met us half-way.
Reading your OP, I wonder how long you think a 79 year old man should wait before remarrying? He may not have that many years left. When I am 80 I probably won’t do things I don’t want to either. (As you are doing with refusing to help serve!) It sounds like both sides are not really interested in seeing the other side; you are used to seeing him every Sunday for dinner? In my family that would be excessive, perhaps she was not aware that she was expected to jump in with all your traditions? Hopefully things will get better as you all get to know each other more. Good luck!
Yes, we never lived near either set of parents so being expected to get together all the time for dinners, sports, etc. was never a thing. The FIL’s fiancee has not had children or grandchildren and what may seem very important to you and your family traditions is probably not on her radar. She may have her own traditions with siblings or good friends that are important to her. She may also be making compromises. Look for a new normal.
