<p>In our neck of the woods, cash gifts are very common for weddings, but generally not as much for showers. Most folks around here have small homes and no basement or attic. My SIL almost exclusively gives cash gifts for nearly all occasions. I try to give a little something with my cash gift. I give what H and I are comfortable with, which can vary depending on income and expenses.</p>
<p>As long as grad students are “casual friends” $240 is apparently okay. That’s about what we’ve spent on recent weddings of my dh’s students.</p>
<p>S and DIL do not want bachelor/ette parties and will be paying airfare/hotel for some of their friends to attend. Because they are in CA and are not arriving til two days before the wedding here, I don’t see any showers in their future, either. It may take pulling teeth to get them to register anywhere, though they would be much happier with household stuff (since they have very little of it) than cash.</p>
<p>Thanks, FenderGirl. 
</p>
<p>(The fact that my sister said that, and really means it, shows what a good wife she’ll be. I’m happy for her.)</p>
<p>Actually, your sister’s attitude and your referencing it show that both of you are wonderful people. </p>
<p>In our circle of friends we buy gifts from the registry. One of our dear friends’ daughter recently got married. The bride registered at Macy’s. Macy’s run great sales so when her china went on sale I purchased service for 12. I think the total was $275…?</p>
<p>FenderGirl, a lot of people don’t have showers at all. If they do, presumably you would only be invited to an all-female one if you were a close friend of the bride. An exception might be if your BF and the groom are really close friends and the two of you are a long term couple living together or perceived as being engaged or close to it. If they had a couples shower, then I’d expect you to be invited through your BF. Don’t forget, lots of their friends probably have SOs, and who knows whether they will break up between now and the wedding! :)</p>
<p>I actually started dating my H shortly before I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. She very kindly told me that someone had declined at the last minute, and there was room for him at the reception, if I wanted to invite him. (Her parents were giving the reception for the benefit mostly of their own friends, so we didn’t have plus ones in advance.)</p>
<p>We buy gifts from the registry, or other items of the same nature. (Waterford salt cellars, French table linens, etc)</p>
<p>Oh lord, it is wedding year for my D. Not just hers, but two of her closest friends, within about one month span. Her “group” of close college friends will be attending all of them (I think they’re all being each others’ bridesmaids.) Two are fairly moderate affairs (incuding hers), and one is Friend One’s parents’ dream big blowout wedding. At that one, D needs to host a shower, be at the hotel for two or three nights, attend several events, have her makeup professinally done, and spend almost as much on a dress as her wedding dress. but the bride is her best friend in the world, so, alas. Also she’s in on the planning for a bachelorette, local for her and, luckily, they’ve decided to share it since their weddings are a week apart and mostly the same friends invited.</p>
<p>At D’s and Friend Two’s weddings, there will be no matching bridesmaid dresses nor any obligations but show up (and she paid the airfare for one friend from across the country who already had to fly out twice for other weddings. no one else in the group made an offer like that.) But Friend Two is out of state for D, so that means another hotel stay and a bachelorette hiking weekend in still another state</p>
<p>D will probably have a very small shower in our area, with just very close family and local friends appearing.</p>
<p>Her calendar right now is a nightmare. She knows it will all be a great time, but despite attempts to keep costs down on some fronts, it is goig to be a very expensive summer!</p>
<p>(We’re paying for the wedding, nd trying to keep costs down, but dang, things get expensive fast.)</p>
<p>When did this bachelorette thing become so popular? Although I must say that hiking weekend is refreshing and sounds like a great time.</p>
<p>And since when are attendants required to pay to have their makeup professionally done?
(If they want to, its one thing.)</p>
<p>These things have really gotten out of hand, IMHO. Call me The Grinch.</p>
<p>That bride’s family is paying for the professional hair/makeup, so she’ll go along with it. Though it’s so not her style.</p>
<p>The bachelorette thing is the idea of friends going out together (they like it, but yeah; it does seem excessive.) D’s combined one is, if planning is pulled off–a Mets game in the afternoon (her preferred get together) followed by more “traditional” night on town as the other friend’s half.</p>
<p>Consolation, I’m with you. One of my best friends had a “bachelorette party”, which was the three of us (her sister, her, myself) doing dessert, at-home facials, and our nails. We took out one of my friend’s then-fiancees for her bachelorette - dinner at Outback and a movie. Call me grinchy, but I don’t get this business of having your close friends pay for a spa resort a plane ride away - especially not in this economy. (Haven’t we all learned that you need to save more than you think you do? Hello!)</p>
<p>I sure hope these “bigger is better” trends reverse before my kids get married! I think destination bachelor/bachelorette parties are excessive! Many of those involved are underemployed and have student loans. And, even if they don’t there are plenty of other things to use the money for including saving. I am a grinch too, I guess. I think gatherings are wonderful and fun, but why can’t they be local (for the vast majority at least) and non-extravagent?</p>
<p>The bachelorette thing has popped up since I was a bride back in the 70s. Back then, as you’ll all remember, the get-together for the bride and her friends/female family was the bridal shower. That was a sedate hen party, usually in someone’s home – no danger of girls going wild or anything. Then at some point, showers started going co-ed, and we women got liberated and figured that if a night on the town or a weekend away was good enough for the guys, it was good enough for us.</p>
<p>I blame the wedding-as-extravaganza trend on TV shows like Say Yes to the Dress and Four Weddings, at least partially. These shows have normalized the idea that weddings must be Hollywood-production-style events, and that you can’t possibly get married on less than $100K. For a young bride who’s never seen a small intimate low-cost wedding on TV, it can be easy to think they don’t exist or that they’re inferior.</p>
<p>In my D’s case, they can’t be local because few of them live in the same area. (1 in NJ, 2 in NYC, 2 in DC, 2 in CA.) (but the DC one who is getting married is from Boston and getting married there, so hiking is not far from that location.) This bunch has been getting together once or twice a year since they graduated college 9 years ago. And as I said, D, who has limited funds herself, is flying the less affluent CA friend in for her wdding (I doubt she will be coming east for anything else but actual weddings.)</p>
<p>Thankfully, things are less crazy in VT, at least where I live. i’m shocked to hear what some people are (or feel) expected to pay for someone else’s marriage. I actually like registries because then I can get the couple something I know they want. I’m also happy to give money, especially when the couple has combined 2 households of “stuff”. H and I eloped many years ago and certainly didn’t expect gifts, though we were given some.</p>
<p>I’ve said before and will say again that some of the loveliest weddings I’ve attended have also been the simplest. We have renovated barns here that are often used for weddings, with wild flowers, Vermont foods and local music. There are no expectations for extravagant gifts. On the other hand, our salaries here aren’t so high either.</p>