I can’t imagine why anyone would think it was anything other than kind and gracious to send a gift.
Honestly, doesn’t everyone know at this point that there are guest list constraints at most weddings? Do people really get bent out of shape about it?
The one thing I would take away from your story is that perhaps it would be wise, should I feel like sending a gift in similar circumstances, to wait until after the wedding, so that people wouldn’t feel as if I was expecting to be invited or something…
I recently brought up this question with some friends - my situation might be a little different, but I was advised by my friends not to send a gift (could make them feel uncomfortable).
Context: one of my close friends (although I have now moved away) has 2 sons. We were close to them for 15 years. Son A was married in January. Received a wedding invitation. I was not able to attend, but my S flew there and attended, we also sent a gift.
Son B was married in May. Did not receive an invitation. Son B used to date my D a long time ago, in HS. He broke up with her and handled it very poorly. However, it was a long time ago, he eventually apologized and while they have never been friends again, they saw each other at events/each other’s homes and spoke cordially to each other.
If I had been invited I would not have attended (we live far away and had a conflicting trip already scheduled). My first instinct was to send them a gift (I found their registry/wedding site online) but my friends advised me that it might make them uncomfortable. They suggested sending a card, if I felt I needed to acknowledge the wedding, but not a gift.
I guess I’ve never thought much about this issue one way or another. I tend not to send cards or gifts when I’m not invited, but I guess if I felt moved to send a gift, I’d send it after the wedding, to minimize any discomfort about not being invited.
My cousin and her D and D’s fiance came to my parents’ home at a dinner party my parents threw and were talking excitedly about their upcoming wedding. The cousin’s grandmother (the D’s greatgrandma) is my dad’s sister. She was also flying in to attend. After some time, the rest of us entered into the spirit of the discussion and said, it would be fun to attend with my folks. There was an awkward pause and then the cousin coldly said, “Oh, none of YOU are invited,” even though that was exclusively what they had been discussing the entire time they were at the party. I think the cousin even indicated we should be throwing the D a shower! It was very weird and then we all said, “Oh, OK, then,” and changed the subject, FINALLY getting it OFF the wedding. We have been asked by another mom to throw a shower for her D, even tho NONE of us were invited to the D’s wedding and none of us knew the D very well. It felt very odd, but we did it to make my mom happy.
@HImom - That sounds like a gift grab to me, asking folks who aren’t invited to the wedding to attend - and even worse to host - a wedding shower! Yikes.
Agree. I also will wait until after the wedding in the future.
Anyone who has been involved in wedding planning knows that you may not get to invite everyone you would like to invite. D and SIL’s immediate family included 80 people. With their friends, our friends, and our SIL’s parents’ friends, the number grew to over 300. EEK! The venue would hold, at a max, 200, so the list had to be trimmed quite a bit. MOG was not as cooperative as MOB, just sayin’…
I don’t think anyone should be invited to a shower if they are not invited to the wedding. In my opinion, that is in poor taste.
Congratulations, jym626! Enjoy every minute! It was amazing and I was so proud of my D, SIL, and S, who gave a beautiful heartfelt toast to his sister and her new husband.
Wonder how D and SIL are doing on Thank You notes. They were all up-to-date two weeks before the wedding. I’m sure D is planning to have them all out within the month.