What do you think about giving a gift to a couple when they are getting married but you are not invited to the wedding? I had always thought it was proper to send best wishes and a gift (usually smaller than if invited to wedding) to recognize the event and wish them well - if so desired. We have done this in a variety of situations - kids of old college friends who live long distances away, knowing only groom with groom’s side guests limited, local or not, and destination weddings. Last year we sent a gift and card (not long distance wedding) - have known groom and parents for 25+ years. Mother of groom had called me to tell of engagement when it happened and had talked about her dress shopping and venue plans/dates, the couples living plans and honeymoon plans and so on during the engagement. After gift, mother of groom acted as though was what we had done was weird. After more than 6 months we received a thank you note awkwardly written. Then we received a Christmas card with wedding pictures from the parents of the groom, but no note. Now we have another family friend wedding coming up - no expectation of being invited (3000 miles away, 25 person guest list), but are short on confidence to send gift. What do you do about gifts in these types of situations? To me, until this, it seemed right to send a modest gift and card.
Unless it’s someone I’m very close to…I do not send a wedding gift unless I’m invited to the wedding.
Sometimes the family is having a destination wedding or a smaller wedding…and they guest list is small. If this is a close family friend, I might send a small gift…small. But I would not do so until after the wedding.
Your gifts are generous and sent with good intentions and thoughtfulness. If someone takes it the wrong way or makes it awkward - as the woman in the story you told did - it reflects on them and not you. Perhaps it made her feel guilty about not inviting you but that is her issue. Frankly, it seems poor form to tell you all the details - dress shopping, venue plans, etc - if she didn’t intend to invite you but perhaps she is the type of person that overly shares or had her guest list restricted given being the groom’s family. Regardless, your gesture is nice and, if its something you wish to do to acknowledge the occasion no strings attached, continue to do so.
Agree that the thoughtfulness of giving a gift is what feels right to you. Just as I send small gifts when friends kids graduate from HS and college, I do send a small gift if a friend’s child is getting married and we aren’t invited. In fact, my s and his soon to be wife have received gifts form friends of mine who are not invited to the wedding. Its thoughtful, and appreciated.
D1’s best friend from college is getting married this summer - someone she has been roommates with on and off for years, too; both H and I are FB friends with her (her requesting us). D is an attendant, but we are not invited - it’s going to be a small affair. But we have known this young lady for many years now and she has been to our home. We almost always see her when we visit D. I would like to send a gift, but don’t want it to be weird, either.
At a minimum, I will send a card, since I’m sort of getting known for my handmade cards (one of my hobbies - in fact, right now I should be making one for a graduation party this weekend).
^^Maybe send a gift after the wedding, so that it won’t seem as weird for you not to be invited. I might do that for my D’s roommate getting married this summer. I have no expectation of being invited. Maybe the awkwardness in OP’s situation is because her friend was MOG and maybe didn’t get a lot of input into venue etc.
D was married recently and did receive gifts from people who were not invited. She was appreciative and will write lovely thank you notes. I often send a card and a gift to D’s friends as they marry. Sometimes we are invited, and sometimes we are not. I do not judge. We did not invite all of her attendants’ parents to the wedding. We only invited the parents she was close to as she was growing up.
Absolutely send a gift if you want to. Not expected, but nice.
lb5,
Why would making the kind hearted gesture of giving a gift to the child of a family you have known for years be weird?
I received a gift from someone that I hadn’t invited. No one thought anything weird about it. It was a friend of my parents, not me, but they still wanted to show their love and support.
I will send them a thank you note like everyone else I received gifts from.
Gifts should be given because you want to. Especially if you are not invited, gifts are certainly not expected.
It’s a nice (optional) gesture. I don’t see why anybody would think it was weird unless it makes them feel uncomfortable for not inviting you. Now that I think about it, I can see how sending a gift a few months after the wedding might avoid that sort of thing on the recipient’s part. But who knows, people can be weird in unexpected ways sometimes.
teriwtt-
Perhaps you can think of something likethe recipe for a favorite food you used to prepare that she loved when she came over to your house, that would have special meaning and significance for her.
I think it is appropriate to send a gift when friends of my daughter’s get married and we are not invited. In my case, both of my daughter’s had close friends getting married. Older d’s close friend from freshman year of college and a later roommate recently got married. It was a small wedding and on the opposite coast of the U.S. and I sent a gift from her registry. We were not invited but she is a special friend to my daughter and I am very fond of this girl. Younger d has a friend getting married soon. She is friend from high school but lives in the neighborhood and they went through elementary and middle school together but were not friends until high school. I know her mom from PTA but we were never friends. I sent a gift from her registry to let her know that I am thinking of her and I received a beautiful thank you card.
I appreciate all the comments. I live in a different area than where I was raised and married, so I was wondering if there was a different etiquette with the region or the times. We are going to keep sending gifts and cards whenever we want. I like to honor and congratulate with gifts and/or cards and have appreciated similar gestures to us over the years.
I think your gift was thoughtful and appropriate. You can’t help it if the recipient for some reason acts weirdly about it.
I totally agree that your gift was very thoughtful. Very!
I just wonder if sending it after the wedding would be better…so the bridal couple doesn’t have that awkward moment of “oh brother…they sent us a gift…were we supposed to invite them?”.
When I married in the late 70s, we had a church wedding & reception and invited anyone that we wanted or our parents wanted. Not so anymore with different social customs and the high cost of weddings. I just got back from a few days of wedding planning with D and we are definitely planning a guest list based on budget constraints. D could have a new car for what the wedding will cost, but yet we can only plan for 150 guests. When we went to a cake tasting on Thursday, the baker commented that once you go up from a planned event for 150, you typically aren’t going to 175 or 180, but to 225 as everyone adds just a few more people to the list. So true!
I have been on both sides of this issue with friends who had limited guest lists and when S was married in 2012. I was constrained to fewer than 10 guests for S’s wedding and I understand some of my friends are in the same boat. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to wish the bridal couple well and I think most couples receive the good thoughts and gift graciously.
I have given gifts to my sons’ HS friends who have gotten married. Goodness, some of them practically lived here for several years! They seem genuinely pleased by the thought. I plan to continue doing it.
We are currently planning D’s wedding and unfortunately we will not be able to invite some of our friends who do not know D or her fiancé. I feel somewhat bad about this, but there has to be a limit. I just hope people understand. We don’t expect gifts from anyone (invited or not), but D is very gracious and will be thankful for any gifts received.
Of course it was fine to send a gift! I think any awkwardness on her end was only because she felt guilty or funny that she had not invited you to the wedding. There was no excuse for making you feel as if you had done anything wrong.
Just because you were not invited does not mean you can’t still express your good wishes and your affection.