I would be embarrassed to be any part of a wedding where the bride thought that was even a tiny bit appropriate. Should she tell all of her bridesmaids how much they can and can’t weigh?
^that was a given 
Sounds like both bride and groom got a little high strung, but I think the groom was the real offender.
Bride’s original message about being “clean shaven” could have just been a reminder be dressed and groomed and ready for pictures at the assigned time. She probably also wanted the bridesmaids to have their makeup and hair done in time for pictures, not come to the church with their curling irons ready to start the process. When it gets down to the countdown for the wedding, letting people know what has been planned and what the specifics of their roles are is a good thing. Don’t want to risk the groomsmen showing up on time, but not yet dressed and ready for pictures.
Maybe she didn’t know about the beard? Sounds like she was agreeable to the beard, as long as it was trimmed. Again, as long as he was ready for pictures at the assigned time. Now maybe he is a guy that doesn’t trim his beard and isn’t going to start today, but it doesn’t sound like that is the case.
I don’t know why the groom couldn’t have calmed the best man down. “Hey Joe, you know the love-of-my-life gets antsy under pressure. We love you the way you are, just show up neat and clean for picture time, we’ll have a few drinks and laugh about this at the reception.” That would have been the thing to do.
Sounds like bride and groom need to work on their communication skills.
Also, what is this?
I don’t see people telling others to cover up their tattoos, just telling them that people who see them will consider the tattoos ugly and tacky. There is a difference.
I don’t think it was out of line. Only someone who thought it applied to them would have had a problem with the request. And it may have been directed to one person without you knowing. A simple “Is this acceptable?” would have been a gracious response to a wedding request if in doubt. If the response was “shave it all off” then you’d have to make choices.
Reading my above post, I can see I’m projecting some of my decades of frustration with my in-laws. They were always so determined not to ask too much or ruffle any feathers they never wanted to ask anything of anyone. So when we were invited over for holidays, there was never any time to be there, or understanding about what food would be served, or who would bring or prepare it. Just do what you want, kids, don’t let us impose on you. A little guidance like “bring a side dish, we’ll eat around 6”, or “come and go as you please, we’ll just have snacks out” would have gone a long way.
In this case, letting the wedding party know when and where to show up and in what state of preparation sounds like good planning. But we don’t have the exact emails or context or personal history, so maybe it’s bridezilla.
I thought all weddings had a hair and makeup person hired for a few hours. If the beard was really scruffy, it could have been trimmed.
Yes, my son has gone from long hair to very short for ten years. But his recent pictures show longer hair and a short beard. I am certain this is acceptable where he works now. Quite a shock to me. He said he had everything trimmed the day before he flew with g/f to her parents’ home for holidays. No one had to push him to do that.
I think the groom over reacted, IMHO.
No, not all weddings have a hair and makeup person hired. In fact, I’ve never been involved with one that did, though I’m not surprised to hear that people do that.
Personally, I don’t really like facial hair (my H had a long scraggly beard–he shaved right before he proposed–figured it would increase his chances.) I don’t like the scruffy look–especially on older men with partially gray hair. Just makes them look “homeless.” H’s b-i-l was in his brother’s wedding looking like that. Not great, but not really the main thing I’d remember from the wedding.
I don’t know a lot of details–just what D told me. Fwiw, D was originally asked to be maid of honor for this wedding. The couple is young (early 20s) and bride’s mother sounds like a HUGE control freak. There were just going to be maid and best man–no other attendants. Then D was “disinvited”–mother’s decision to have “only family members.” (or that’s what they told her. . .what about the best man/now ex-friend?) Unfortunately, D had already bought a plane ticket from Europe where she is in school.(Otherwise she might have stayed over there for Xmas break). D was asked to do makeup for the bridesmaids. LOL
Mother also dictated very limited guest list (bride could not invite most of her college friends) because she said more than 150 people is “not classy” and most of list was filled with extended family. Anything that was not classy was not allowed. . .no beer, only the right kind of music/dancing, no children, etc. Only the best. . . (The stand-in groomsman is not exactly a model citizen. He is not particularly a friend of the bride or groom, or even his own wife-bride’s sister–at this point. He did not have a beard, though.)
I’ve heard of pregnant bridesmaids being taken off the roster. I’ve also seen a lot of pregnant bridesmaids.
D and I were joking that she’s going to have the peasant wedding–ALL the friends, plenty of beer, cheap food, kids of all ages, any kind of music/dancing she and guests want.
Seems the bride comes by her controlling tendencies honestly. 
Oh, yeah. Hoping this couple moves far, far away from her mom.
No one in my family would dream of suggesting a friend or family member change their looks just because of how they look in pictures. Well, except for my aunt, who lost it with her “free spirit” son, and told him he had to wear shoes to our grandfather’s funeral.
Putting photos ahead of people’s feelings is inappropriate.
All of us have put our kids through college together, and now we’re seeing them get married, and there’s a whole lot more drama when it comes to weddings.
I can’t wait for the time when some of these kids and their spouses have children and discuss where they will spend their holidays. We ain’t seen nothing yet.
Hmmm…I tend to think that this may have something to do with the fact that this email was also directed at the bride’s brother…maybe her little brother? I’m inclined to agree with Romani in #13.
It sounds to me as if the friend overreacted: saying, “guys I grew a beard, is that okay?” and receiving the answer that “sure, if you want to have a beard fine, but just make sure it is neatly groomed, okay?” should have ended the whole thing. But he apparently flew off the handle and insulted the bride, and then the groom compounded the problem. Consider that the bride is probably under pressure from her mother, who sounds like a PITA. I’d cut her some slack, unless there is evidence to the contrary.
The wedding photos do NOT matter. The marriage does. I am so glad I didn’t spend tons on photos. Years later they rarely get looked at, and when they do one always wonders why some choices were made. If anyone has ever seen the TV show on TBS about borrowing and remaking mom’s old wedding dress or choosing a new one they will realize that no matter how well controlled the details are the wedding party will seem dated. That perfect dress is likely to be ugly to later generations. I would presume the only pictures on the living room wall will be of the couple only, not the whole wedding party (get a life, those who do that- the wedding is past history).
I totally agree the couple were control freaks. Appearances trumped friendships. Good for the former best man to stand up for his facial hair. He may have been emotional but was only reacting to the couple’s pushing when they shouldn’t have. He may have been more willing to give up his beard if they approached him in a much nicer manner- once ordered to do something any normal person will resist. Then things snowball.
The best weddings are the ones with the most love. I don’t see love as promoting the wedding to MAJOR EVENT. It may be a once in a lifetime (hopefully) event but it is only the beginning of a marriage.
The most recent wedding I attended was for a relative in her small backyard- a limited guest list for space considerations. I wish I had wandered to the front yard to see in person and not just camera video of the bride and a girlfriend doing 30 some pushups! Short, not long dresses, btw.
What an incredible waste of time, energy and friendship over something so insignificant.
If I’m performing somewhere with a group there are guidelines as to make-up, costume, conduct.
For an expensive proposition as a wedding these days (including photos) I don’t see why there should be a different standard. In fact, all participants should happily buy into the final product to make their friend happy. If you can’t do it then bow out. Early. Fair warning.
Do photos matter? I love mine. Especially the best man dressed in a wool sweater in the heat of summer. It was the best he had to wear. Just glad he didn’t faint from the heat and we begged him to change. But the fact was he wanted it perfect for us and the pictures. The perfect best man. And pictures with such love are totally precious. He’s still a best man and friend 35 years later.
There you go, gouf! That’s what some of the brides need - performers! Could be someone’s new business model: start a company which rents out groomsmen and bridesmaids for the occasion. Don’t like the best man’s beard? Hire a stand in who’s clean-shaven! Think your friend is too fat for the dress you’ve always dreamt about? Hire a performer and tell your friend to take a seat. After all, we want our pictures to look great, amirite?
I personally don’t care for tattoos or piercings, but unless the content was really offensive, IMO it would be wrong to tell someone to cover up. Presumably, you ask people to be in the wedding party because they are your friends, you care for them, and because you want them there for you. You simply don’t get to control what someone else does with their own body.
Where does it end, demanding all bridesmaids get professionally waxed lips and eyebrows? Or as one real life bridezilla did, request that everyone wear Spanx?! Requiring an earthy friend wear makeup and shave? Making someone step down or excluding them if they gained weight or are pregnant?
They are friends, not accessories for a photo op.
Yep, wedding as pageant/production number.
While I would be the first to decry the I’ts MY Day Bridezilla, let’s face it: all societal rituals come with expectations of the participants that could fit comfortably under the umbrella of “performance.” If you aren’t willing to perform as expected/requested, don’t participate. Simple.
For example, the kid who wants to dance naked down the aisle at their HS graduation…doesn’t do it.
I did have a groomsman who wore an earring in one ear and in that era, 30 years ago, that was rather outre, and I did ask my H to ask him (nicely) if he would mind not doing so, and he complied. But these days, I wouldn’t dream of it - it’s so not a big deal IMO.
Romani - no one has suggested that bridesmaids “need to cover” up their visible tattoos, only that some don’t find them attractive. Those are two different things.