ugh to getting prices! We also had to choose a caterer unconnected to the venue, but then had to get them venue-approved which was a huge headache!
To the OP–D’s was in Cape May. This is a hugely popular wedding destination, and maybe would cut down on travel expenses while still giving you a beautiful beach wedding.
“Could anybody give a rough estimate of the total cost?”
No, mcat2. It’s a nonsensical question.
It’s like saying “Could anyone give a rough estimate of what a house costs?” when you could buy a $50,000 broken-down shack or a $5,000,000 mansion.
It’s like saying “Could anyone give a rough estimate of what a car costs?” when you could buy a clunker for $1,000 or a Tesla for $100,000.
It’s like saying “Could anyone give a rough estimate of what a vacation costs?” when you could drive to a cabin in the woods or fly 50 friends first class to Paris for a week.
The bottom line is – it can only cost what you’re able and willing to spend.
@crazed, just curious…are you paying for the wedding? The bride and groom? What about the fiancee’s parents?
@Pizzagirl - I agree, however, I think what is being asked for an answer more along the lines of “At Venue A I spent about $X per person but my friend at Venue B spent only $Y per person”.
That is not an unreasonable response (anymore than saying I spent $50k for a broken down shack or $5 million on a mansion.)
@cbreeze - It’s traditional in our culture as well, but I would think that’s changing. Since I’m far from my own wedding and probably not anywhere close to my own kid’s I’m way out of the loop on this topic).
Isn’t that the same thing, though? I could spend $X per person if I have a pasta buffet and no alcohol, and my friend could spend $Y per person at the same venue if she had appetizers, a sit-down dinner with filet mignon and a full bar.
True, but is it so hard to include that information or a dollar range or average?
It gives the OP an idea whether a place is anywhere in their ballpark. There’s a huge difference between “Ritzy Steak & Lobster Extraordinaire” and “Bubba’s Sports Bar & Grill”.
Edit: Most likely the reason people wouldn’t include this is because they don’t know (don’t remember/they were a guest) or they don’t want to share what they spent.
For mcat, however, there are sites that tell you the average cost of a wedding and for the different components. Yes, there is a wide range on what you spend depending on lots of factors, including number of guests. But the articles on “average” are a place to start if you are curious.
I have two daughters getting married this year. Another way to approach it is to have a budget and then find what you want that fits that budget. My daughters are doing all the planning themselves with their fiancees.
I’d think OP somewhat knows the ropes if they did 2 Bar Mitzvahs on Long Island. I think the thread is about specific places we might recommend- and that mcat was trying to rephrase the original question, not ask for himself.
One of mine found a farm that does nice weddings, includes nearly everything but food and lodging (and oddly, chairs for the outdoor service) in the base price. A weekday is less expensive than a weekend and the local caterers can go as low as $20/head- for light plates, which I think is a mistake when there’s liquor and people have driven/might be driving home.
I’ve said this in this site many times – but for those who haven’t heard it:
I’ve been in the planning committee for dozens and dozens of wedding-like events, and the most cost-effective solution for receptions is very often a restaurant because there are generally very few rental charges AND the decor is already complete so you don’t need to create decor out of flowers, etc. Since rentals at some venues can often equal or exceed the costs of food and drink, this can be quite a savings.
It is also very easy to compare costs at a restaurant event because the food, drink, service and tax charges include all the things that you’d pay for separately at other venues (tables, chairs, dishware, glassware, tablecloths, serving items --everything). Plus, a fine restaurant is likely to have much nicer tableware, silverware and glassware than you’d ever rent, so that will usually be nicer too. Service will generally be much smoother, too.
Also, if you are having an event at a venue like a museum or botanical garden or historic house or other non-food-service-centered venue, it is almost always most cost-effective to go with one of the preferred caterers recommended by the venue ESPECIALLY if your event will require cooking on-site. Otherwise, you may well get a call from the caterer unfamiliar with the venue a few weeks before the event saying that he or she “didn’t realize” all the deficiencies in the on-site kitchen and demanding that you spring for thousands of dollars of unplanned-for rentals to build out an adequate kitchen on-site. A caterer familiar with the location will have built in these charges in the original bid (which is why they are often more expensive than the unaffiliated caterer). Plus way more things are likely to go wrong with a caterer unfamiliar with the venue.
I just looked over my numbers from last year. I did very nice passed heavy apps (I think 7) prepared on-site at a local arts center for $22 per adult for recommended vendor. Excluding location cost ($2k), labor (!!!), linens, tip/tx, beverages (!!), and dessert (we did pie, cake can run $5-10 iirc per plate). In AZ, no beach.
The son of one of my colleagues had a wedding a few years ago. When he talked about it, it seems to me he still feels very upset today (not toward his DIL, rather, toward the parents of his DIL.)
I think the conflict is mostly due to a different expectation. He said the bride side (not the bride herself) wanted an expensive wedding (like 200+ guests) even when that side of family is not well-off. They wanted to groom’s side to pay for the most expenses of a big and expensive wedding (actually in the end, there were two weddings – one at bride’s city and another at the groom’s city.) Because of their “cultural background”, they had the “red evelope” things (if you happen to know what it is.) He said the bride side collected most or all money brought in by guests at BOTH weddings in order to compensate their “loss”. (Because the wedding at the Bride site was a very costly one.)
My colleague is still upset several years later. (but he dares not say anything in front of DIL and DIL’s parents. Actually, I heard that in the past Christmas, the two whole families from his S/DIL and DIL’s parents came to his house. He jokingly said as long as he could still see his son (and a grandson now) in this way, he is willing to treat his DIL’s parents in this way. I heard they would stay at his house for at least 3 days. (None of them stayed at a hotel. Not sure how he could fit so many people in his not so large condo.) But, hey, it seems he is happy for this gathering.
Some venues simply won’t allow non-preferred caterers to use their facilities or they will demand the caterer to purchase an insurance policy to cover the event.
When using a caterer, make sure they have enough wait staff for the event.
At one wedding I attended, some tables were served at least one hour before other tables were served because they didn’t have enough wait staff. At another wedding, they had one bartender for 120 people and I didn’t have a drink till midway through the meal because I didn’t want to stand in line. Water wasn’t available unless you stood in line during cocktail hour.
All these cannot be foreseen by the hosts.
To reduce stress, I agree the receptions that are done in hotels, resorts, restaurants, wedding banquet halls are better.
If you are going to a location (Florida, Mexico, Bahamas) where no one lives and can handle local arrangements, I’d suggest an all inclusive place - lodging, beach, reception, coordinator all in a package. I’ve seen pictures and reports on nice weddings at the Ponte Vedra Inn, just south of Jacksonville. There are golf courses nearby (including Sawgrass, home of the Player’s Club, so you can’t get married the first weekend of May), there are a few options for lodging (private villas, the lodge, some houses), shopping nearby. A negative is that the airport is pretty far. Another option to the south is St. Augustine, with beach options or pirate ships, B&B’s, small hotels, cheap hotels, fancy hotels. Whatever you want.
Big decision whether you want a sunrise beach ceremony (Atlantic coast) or sunset pictures (gulf coast). You also must decide when the wedding will be, as there are certain weeks/time of the year that just won’t work in some locations. You won’t get good hotels anywhere on the east coast during the week of the Daytona 500. Player’s Club. Georgia/Florida football game. It’s hot as hell from June to September.
^At Cape May, you can have sunrise or sunset! 
^one of my favorite things about the entire Delaware shore.
Thanks for all the great replies.
To respond:
Yes, this OP planned two Long Island Bar Mitzvahs and have a very clear idea on all costs. Whatever you think it will end up being it will be much more!! Looking online, some places charge for reception room, ceremony set up, etc. and at a catering hall it’s included. I was hoping for some pp costs per plate so I could see if it was higher or lower that the kids are finding though your responses are correct since there are so many variables.
Agreed that destination weddings can be a big deterrent to guests due to flights, hotels, passports, etc…
Cost- The kids started a “wedding acct”. 24-25 year olds so out of school 2 years. Son purchased a 3 BR townhouse on his own 1 year out of school at 23 so he has a mortgage, etc… Hubby and I will help pay. I keep asking if her parents gave her a budget or amt they will contribute but they haven’t given the kids numbers. I don’t want the kids to spend any more than they have to. That said, they are looking at high end venues. At least I think they are on the higher side. One was over $260 per person plus the fee for the reception room.ceremony set up. At least they crossed that off the list. The others seem to be about $180 pp. Obviously price can change depending on add-ons and packages. I have yet to make calls for venues on LI. She is from way upstate NY (8 hrs) so that becomes an issue as well. if the wedding was to be on LI it would be easy for me to do the legwork. They may end up with a small beach wedding somewhere and then a wedding on LI (I wish) or upstate.
I’m trying to help guide the kids. Mother of groom so I have to be careful.
I plan on making a list of the above suggestions to share with the kids.
Just curious if anyone has ever used Costco for wedding flowers (or any wedding/reception items).
Many of the weddings I’ve helped with had donated flowers, which is of course a huge savings. For niece, the groom’s family got and arranged the flowers (very professionally). No one I know has used Costco flowers for a wedding.
Well, I don’t know if I’d call them Costco flowers. From reading reviews, it says you make arrangements through Costco to have flowers shipped directly from the flower farm to wherever you want them to go - they arrive a couple of days in advance. You put them in vases with water and they magically open the day of the wedding. It’s not like you’re going in Costco and buying the flowers they have there in the store.
A friend of mine used Costco flowers for her daughter’s small budget wedding 3 years ago. The flowers were gorgeous.
I believe she did the whole wedding party (8, IIRC, plus parents flowers) for around $200. Now, this friend could give Martha Stewart a run for the money, she is so talented. But, besides having to pick up flowers, she also arranged all the bouquets (again, gorgeous) the day before the wedding. I know if Goskids ever decide to get married, I’d be a nervous wreck the day before the wedding, I’d be all thumbs. Besides, I have no artistic talent whatsoever…