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My D is getting married in August, so I’m currently in the midst of wedding planning – though mostly vicarious, as they are paying on their own. However I’ve got some familiarity with the costs. They are getting married in NJ at a city park/heritage site that requires use of a designated caterer. Maximum capacity of the venue is ~90 and they opted for a flat fee arrangement with the caterer for $5000, which comes to about $55/head, more if fewer people show up. Evening wedding so that would be a full dinner.
I have no idea how that compares to anything else, though from past experience with hotel-based events, it sounds pretty reasonable to me. In any case, my D has done event planning for work-related stuff, so she’d also have a sense of what these things cost.
I agree with everyone else that costs can probably be all over the map. I think my D & FSIL went with the flat fee for the caterer simply for the convenience – that is one less thing they need to think about.
I’d suggest that you let the kids do the planning and if you want to help pay, then just commit to a set amount of money you will throw into the pot. You can be as generous or as parsimonious as you want to be – but if your DS knows that he’s getting, say, $10K from mom & dad, he can plan around it however he wants. If he was sharp enough to buy a home at age 23, he should be able to figure out the ins and outs of the wedding plan. If you are throwing $X into the pot, then it doesn’t have to be your concern if you think they are being overcharged – and in a way I think you would be doing your son a favor by giving him a fixed figure to work with. (It’s just like the whole college pay things – I think most cc’ers agree that it’s better when parents tell their kids up front how much they can contribute to college, rather than saying “we’ll see” and then pulling the rug out after the kid has that coveted admission letter from NYU or wherever in hand).
My suggestion of $10K is just an example – of course it depends on your own family finances. It’s a lot more than I’ll be able to pitch in for my lovely daughter’s wedding - but I’m sure that many families can afford to be a lot more generous. (Again - just like college - we all just do what we can). But if you just pitch in whatever you are comfortable with, then the kids can have the wedding day they want. You can then settle into the role of giving advice when asked, but otherwise staying out of the way.
LI has a lot of wedding banquet halls. One wedding reception I attended last year at a very nice venue with outdoor seating (cocktail hour) in a very nice garden. This one only does one wedding per night and I was told it was $125 pp.with open bar on a Sat. night in June. They had around 250 wedding guests.
Prices can vary with a guaranteed minimum number of guests.
“Just curious if anyone has ever used Costco for wedding flowers (or any wedding/reception items).”
Big kiddo almost did it! Then she figured out that the local market flowers were cheaper, and her friends could make great centerpieces out of them. 
Another tip for low budgeters: call a local culinary school/community college that has a catering program… They do a good job!
I got it: $180-$260 pp is on the higher end. There could be some additional fixed fee on top of the pp cost.
Even for 50 persons, the price is most likely higher than $10K (more exactly, higher than $9000 to $13000.)
This excludes the fixed cost. And do not forget the cost for the honey moon.
If both groom’s side and bride’s side contribute $10K from each side, the total budget could be $20K. This is likely not a “higher-end” that OP referred to, in post #35.
The flat fee of $5000 (or 55/head for 90 persons) mentioned by calmom seems to be a good deal.
One bride-side family that we know of contributed 50K but they did not do anything else except for writing that large check. The groom himself seems to be relatively well off for a young man (has been working for a big law firm for 4-5 years) so he could definitely contribute as well. The parents of the bride just flied in on those two days (the reception and wedding.) We definitely will not be that generous.
I read from the Internet that, in a certain country, the average cost for the groom side is almost $60K and the average cost for the bride side is almost $50K. This is for the marriage, not for the wedding only. This is crazy!
We used a silk rose in a bud vase for table centerpiece at each of the tables for the reception. That meant we didn’t have to keep the flowers fresh or worry about water. We did have fresh flowers for bouquets, corsages, bottonieres, head table and bridal table, plus church.
Prices are crazy and all over the map is right. My sis was MOB for a wedding in 2011 and again in 2015. She said for pretty much everything the same - including venue and menu - the price had DOUBLED in 4 years, between the weddings. Both were at the same lovely Honolulu private country club.
My daughter is going to the Caymans for a wedding in a few days. It is very expensive for the guests plane/hotel etc.And very expensive to put on. The parents (or kids should supply breakfasts (to be included in the room cost)…add 25 per person per day, rehearsal dinner…from 75 to the sky…dinner…250 pp to the moon…hospitality suite (food,snacks, liquor), day after brunch…40 and up per person. Bus rental to welcome guests and get them to the venue…goodie bags with info on time/places to see/gold tee times…and stuff in the bag (sunblock, granola bars…
We were considering a wedding in Paris (note: if you have to ask how expensive it is…you can’t afford it. (We couldn’t…afford it). Also note: If you get married in Paris…you are not legally married in US. You are religiously married. You must do a local ceremony for the marriage to be legal here.
I see problems here. 1. They like high-end venues. Maybe they need a firm idea of how much you and the bride’s parents are going to contribute. 2. If you have to end up planning the wedding (which I don’t think you should have to), the wedding will be in your area. If it’s upstate, make the bride’s parents do the planning. 3. Even a small beach wedding will have costs. And then another wedding, too? One and done should be the plan.
Another question – how many guests? If they are just a few years out of school, they are probably still in touch with many school friends.
“Also note: If you get married in Paris…you are not legally married in US. You are religiously married. You must do a local ceremony for the marriage to be legal here.”
How does that work? French couples who get married in France and move here don’t have to get re-married on American soil – right? Very interesting.
We have been to a couple of weddings out of country. The bride and groom actually had their real wedding ceremony here in the states. The ceremony at the destination was really just for show…with a friend officiating in all cases (no these friends were not clergy or justice of the peace).
When we plan a wedding here, we will look at a brunch. the drop dead best wedding I have attended was a brunch. Mimosas and Bloody Mary drinks were served with the appetizers, but there was also a big selection of juices, coffe, and tea. There was a cash bar for anyone who had to have a mixed drink. Wine was served with the brunch…and there was a champagne toast.
Yes, there was dancing…and lots of fun.
Family said the price was less than half of what a dinner would have cost…and this was at a downtown Boston hotel.
Pizzagirl: American citizens who choose to get married out of country must have civil service here…separation of church and state? Possibly different if one is an expat? What I know is this: I contacted the synagogue in Paris (the MAIN synagogue…the italics are mine. They were quite huffy about their importance. They perform many American Jewish weddings.
In the US you can have just one wedding in a church and get it recognized by the church. In France, even the French have to go to the local town hall for the civil marriage. They usually do that during the week and have the religious wedding (assuming they want one) on the following weekend. Or at least that’s how the one French wedding I attended worked.
I would imagine that if you had a resident visa in France you could probably get a civil marriage, but they probably don’t allow it for tourist visas.
Parisians who get married get married twice, once in a civil ceremony, once in a church (if they so choose, the religious one is not required). That is the case in many countries. Sometimes they do it on the same day, sometimes on different days (Friday at city hall, Saturday in the church) Basically, the church wedding isn’t recognized by the goverment, so the US government doesn’t recognize it either. It’s not that you have to get remarried in the US, it’s that the religious ceremony doesn’t count as a marriage.
I’m pretty sure when Princess Grace was married she had two, one civil, one Hollywood production in the cathedral. Two outfits, both gorgeous.
When my niece was married 2 years ago, she ended up with 3 ceremonies. She planned on 2, one with just parents and and a few friends at her mother’s house and then one with a big party and white dress, but the officiant never arrived at the first one, so they improvised a ceremony with her stepfather ‘marrying’ them. However, they needed it to be legal as her husband is Canadian and they were trying to get him a work permit (still trying, 2 years later) so they went to the courthouse and got legally married. They then had a ‘wedding’ with the big party and reception a few months later.
The requirement for a civil ceremony is common in Europe.
I was a guest at a wedding in Kauia. The reception was at a hotel near the beach, but the best thing was the rehearsal dinner. They had reserved a picnic shelter on a public beach and served food from the grill and had a table full of other picnic foods and booze. So fun!
@mathmom, I think you meant to say recognized by the state. 
Which is why everyone here has to get a marriage license and have it signed by a legal officiant.
When H and I got married, we forgot to get the minister to sign the license, lol. Had to get it done a couple of weeks later.
When my IL’s got married, my MIL’s grandfather (a rabbi) officiated, but the official license never got filed. They found out years later when MIL went to apply for a passport, needed her marriage license to document her name change … and didn’t have it. This gives me great ammunition when in the heat of an argument I call my H a b-tard. LOL.
We (children) had them legally married for their 40th anniversary…
@consolation one of these days I am going to learn to proofread my posts. Yes, obviously the state. In France getting married in a church (or other place of worship) means nothing, you have to go to town hall.
@Pizzagirl Do you think that was intentional or an oversight?
If an American couple gets married in a civil ceremony in a French town hall, their marriage is recognized by the US. If their only ceremony is in a church, it is not. Governments recognize one another’s definition of marriage, at least of hetero marriage. Different rules may apply to same-sex couples so it’s important to find out if the destination wedding country recognizes same sex marriage. If they don’t, the marriage may not be legal here in the US, either.
Weddings abroad are frequently recognized by the US but the State Department recommends that you register your wedding iwith your state of residence in the US. Each state has different rules.