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<p>I suppose it says that her new husband is illiterate. :D</p>
<p>How about gay couples? Since it’s supposed to be the bride that writes the thank-yous, does this mean that two guys get out of thank-you-note writing duty?</p>
<p>I don’t like the matching his and her rings. Just my taste. Probably because my dad never had a wedding band ha.</p>
<p>I am a female in my early/mid 20s and had 1 sibling get married recently. My parents did not want to pay for anything at all but gave in to all the pressure/demands and contributed a small amount, to just keep some peace in the family, lol. They pretty much said they will not pay for any of their kids’ weddings for years so I was suprised at how they eventually gave in. I have been to a couple of weddings and all of them were extremily lavish and the parents, both sides, contributed a large sum, except in a few cases were both of the people getting married had very large incomes, and in one case where the couple just got married at city hall without any type of ceremony. I would not want my parents or fiances parents to pay for anything as I believe that would lead to some control issues like the OP mentions with the “if i pay anything wedding must be in a church” or so and so must be invited. I also make enough money to pay for my own wedding, which i never anticipate having to do! I would find it kind of embarassing to have my parents pay for anything, especially a large party, since i am already an adult. But i guess different people were raised with different customs/mindsets. Both of my parents are not big fans of marriage/weddings so they wouldn’t want to pay for it.</p>
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<p>Yes, this is a very personal thing which is influenced by family values, history, tradition, local culture, etc.</p>
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<p>This certainly can and does happen. I plan to handle this like my parents did: they told me what they could contribute, and said that they would help me if I wished, or they would show up where I tell them-it was completely up to me.</p>
<p>I’m not into shopping, I don’t put on big parties at home, I don’t have strong opinions on flowers/cuts or colors of dresses/food/invitations, and as long as our immediate family is invited, I will be happy. I have no intention of using money as an instrument for control. For that matter, if they prefer to keep our money and put it in savings or use for a house down payment someday, that will be their choice.</p>
<p>It definitely is crazy the amount that people spend on engagement/wedding jewelry. What’s worse is that these salespeople often harp on peoples’ insecurities and try to convince these young men that others will think that their spouses are not loved enough because they have more understated rings. </p>
<p>Another ethical alternative that has gained a lot of popularity lately is lab-created Moissainite, especially the treated varieties. More recent examples have much improved color over earlier varieties, and you can get a much bigger stone at a fraction of the cost with a very similar look to diamonds - lots of sparkle and fire. Of course, women need to tread cautiously because they will be accused of trying to pass off fakes and feigning status that they do not “deserve.” </p>
<p>Another thing that really galls me about this whole process is how judgmental people are! No matter what you do with your wedding, choice of jewelry, etc., it seems like EVERYBODY has something disparaging to say. If you have a backyard barbeque, you are cheap, but if you have something more extravagant, then you are spoiled and impractical. I can’t think of anything else at this moment that people feel more entitled to put others down for than weddings!</p>
<p>I think we will contribute but our goal is for our kids to be debt free out of college (after private everything else_) so we dont feel inclined to pay for the wedding. I paid a substantial sum of my wedding 28 years ago. My dress was 500 dollars. Around my parts a nice wedding is at least 30K. I think it is nuts for one day. and 30k is pretty basic. many people here have destination weddings.
My engagement ring was my H’s grandmother’s he was in school.
I say buy the 800 dollar dress you love it is something that will be a heirloom.
I havent been to many weddings lately but my friend’s kids are starting to get married. What is a reasonable gift amount? shower?</p>
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<p>Ha! Please, no one repeat this idea around my son!</p>
<p>We recently sent a wedding gift to a couple we don’t know. We are friends of the groom’s parents and were happy to give a gift. We received a thank you card from the groom, so I suppose the couple had worked out a logical system of who would handle the thank you cards. What I LOVED about this thank you note was that the groom sent a photo of the item we gave them (a rug which was on their bridal registry) in their home. It looked beautiful in their house, and it gave us pleasure to see it in place.</p>
<p>^^How thoughtful! When H and I got married, we divvied up the thank you notes. He wrote to his relatives, and I wrote to mine. I thought that was reasonable, but doG knows, given the attitudes of his family they probably resented not getting a note from me. :(</p>
<p>My daughter and her husband agreed to share thank-you note writing before they were married, though it was probably d’s idea - she can be persuasive. She has written all her notes. He has written only a few. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. She wants him to honor his end of the agreement, and she doesn’t want to set the precedent that she’ll do any chore if he just delays getting to it long enough.</p>
<p>Her plan is to sic his mother on him unless he finishes up this weekend.</p>
<p>Diamonds are not really a traditional engagement stone, it has all been part of an advertising campaign begun by DeBeers more than 100 years ago. DeBeers owned 90% of the world’s diamond mines by 1902 and was founded by Cecil Rhodes. The diamond mines in Canada are also part of DeBeers.</p>
<p>If you grew up in the 1970’s, you’ll remember when the “diamond 10th anniversary band” began it’s ad campaign. It’s now been well absorbed into popular culture so that young people think it is a tradition (in a more organic sense - rather than a marketing tradition). </p>
<p>Diamonds are beautiful, fiery, and are the world’s hardest substance, but that guilt coming at you to spend a certain percentage of your salary on a diamond ring, well, that’s all coming from DeBeers.</p>
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<p>What? I’ve never heard of anything of the sort. </p>
<p>Also, the 3 month rule is completely outdated. I don’t think anyone of my generation actually listens to that. If they do, they’re dumb.</p>
<p>Remember Chris Evert and the tennis bracelet mania?</p>
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<p>I grew up in the 70’s, but don’t remember anything about that campaign. I never expected anything of the sort at 10 years, and don’t really know anyone who has ever displayed or mentioned anything about a 10 year diamond ring. Maybe that tradition just never made its way to my part of the country, or maybe I just don’t know the right people.</p>
<p>My husband and I both inherited engagement rings from our grandmothers, and our daughters love them, so their fiancees are/will be off the hook. My oldest has her dad’s gma’s ring, which was written up in the local paper back in it’s day, as it was bigger than the normal diamond for that area. Due to the economy, her fiancee is underemployed and they are both struggling - wedding will be a simple affair at the church camp they both work at during summers and she attended from age 4, with a picnic reception.</p>
<p>Her sister will get my grandma’s ring, which I started wearing when I became engaged in grad school. I no longer wear it or my wedding ring, so she’s welcome to it.</p>
<p>My nephew, who I rarely see, called me a few weeks ago to tell me that I will not be invited to his very small wedding, and he felt he should tell me directly. Since it’s a Sunday wedding and I only have 4 Sundays off a year, I was actually glad to be left out!
My mother, on the other hand, is furious that my sisters who see him on a regular basis were also left off the invitation list. She was threatening to boycott the wedding but I then ticked her off more by telling her that I doubt my daughter expects her aunts and uncles to travel from PA to WI for her wedding.</p>
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<p>I asked my parents, who both grew up in the 70s and had their first marriages in early/mid 80s. Neither remember anything about that. In the 70s they lived in California, Arizona, Michigan, and Nebraska. Apparently the campaign never reached those places lol.</p>
<p>^^ they’re lucky then, they were very sappy commercials. Now, they’ve moved on to “the eternity band” and the “right-hand diamond” (so single and divorced people can pay for big, expensive rocks too).</p>
<p>I’ve heard of those either. </p>
<p>Charm bracelets are the only commercials I really see. Nothing about specific rings or whatnot. </p>
<p>And “He went to Jarrod.” or “Every kiss begins with Kay.” Just the brands, no specifics.</p>
<p>RGEYES - nice developments in your life!</p>
<p>On the rehearsal dinners, I’ll state that my clergy spouse reports that nobody retains any of the rehearsed placement or choreography! He has to go through it all again, the next day, in the hour before the actual wedding. So now he refuses to “rehearse” anyone the night before. Every bride’s mom is convinced this will be disastrous, but it isn’t. And for weddings within our own family, we drop the rehearsing from the “rehearsal dinner.” We eat and visit, informally. I know other families feel differently about that custom. What are the traditions in your fiance’s extended family? You don’t have to be tied to anything but it’s good to know what they expect and if you’re doing differently, just get proud of whatever you’re doing. </p>
<p>For wedding invitations, everyone has issues about where to cut the line in a family tree, to keep numbers proportional to wedding budget. It’s worth thinking through the family structures on ALL sides. For example, on our (groom’s) side, if we say “First cousins of the parents” that means 36 for my H but 9 for me. To balance that a bit, I declared we’d invite all my H’s first cousins (and none of their young adult children)…but on my side, I went ahead and invited my 9 first cousins and included all their (teen/adult) children. That balanced us, although I am sure they wondered a bit once they arrived and figured it out. But we had a “policy” we stuck to closely. Bride’s side had smaller family so included close friends; we had too many relatives so stuck to No Friends for Us. That balanced equally. The couple wanted as many friends as the budget would allow, and both sets of parents agreed that friends make a huge difference to a couple’s happiness at a wedding. </p>
<p>Something to decide early on is how you much you as a couple want to extend to “plus-ones” meaning your friends’ dates or significant others. Really come up with a policy because how you answer that can differ between your friends and, for example, your cousins. My S and DIL invited their friends’ live-in partners and longterm S.O.'s (they defined that as “like a year!”), but told the rest of their friends not to bring a date. With their policy in place, it was easier for me to tell a few pouty cousins “No, you can’t ask to bring your new boyfriend to meet the family” because even the couple’s friends can’t bring a date. You have to draw some lines. </p>
<p>You can really invent policy that makes sense for each of your family structures, and another for your friends. Just be ready to repeat it when someone asks why Aunt X is here but Second Cousin Y isn’t…and they’re the same age! </p>
<p>Then there are the exceptions. There’s always someone whose genuine closeness to the couple defies their position on the family tree. That doesn’t mean you have to invite every other person of the same geneology! Just invite that special one or two. Explain to them how exceptional they are to defy all your rules (it’s flattering). If anyone else asks, you must go pale with a concerned look on your face, to show how tortuous a decision this was but you did make that exception because of deep friendship of this particular relative with bride or groom. </p>
<p>Another way families can differ: MOB knew her invitation list with precision. All lived around two major metropolitan areas of the East Coast. Their RSVP habits are dependable. She made a list and said 95% will come (which they did). </p>
<p>We have big tribes spread out across the country and globe, with some terrible pockets of RSVP rudeness known among us all. We had to reassure the MOB that, although we were sending out 250 invitations (the glue that holds the family together) only 75 would RSVP “yes.” We just never know which 75 it will be each time, as geography, finances and many other factors always intervene. We both knew our crowds very well. In the end, both sets of parents had 75 guests apiece (give or take a few) in attendance. As I recall, the couple invited 60 guests, representing (in thirds) their 2 colleges (longdistance travel in many cases) and their current newer work friends (all local).</p>
<p>The most serious thing in your OP is about a MOG who ties her funding of the reception to the ceremony happening according to her own religious perspective. The important person on that is your fiance, because wherever you both make your vows, that should feel sacred to you both. If that means saying ‘no thank you’ to her funding, I’d stick to your guns on that…but the person to discuss it I feel should be her son, not you. And he should present you both as a unified front. It’s not just you turning down a Catholic ceremony, it’s him, too…so there’s your first big statement as a couple. Good luck with that. Don’t let his Mom make you into the bad girl who won’t let her son have the church wedding; this is a mutual decision so both own it, one way or the other.</p>
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<p>She brought it up to me, not to him. She’s never discussed wedding stuff with any of her sons. I am good friends with my boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend and she had the talk with her as well (she is Catholic and they will be getting married in a Church, the girlfriend has already decided). Actually, I’m the only girlfriend (there are three boys and all have long term girlfriends) who isn’t Catholic. I wish she wouldn’t bring it up, because I’ve never brought up marriage with her. It makes me uncomfortable. He doesn’t much care where it is or what it is, but he does support me fully on my preference of getting married where I want. He isn’t Catholic anymore and knows how rigid his mom can be. He’s very go with the flow- it’s why I love him and get frustrated with him all at the same time haha. </p>
<p>Fwiw, she really does like me. We go over there almost every weekend in the fall/winter to watch college football (all three of the brothers and the parents went to the same college so we’re Spartan fans through and through lol) and now we have “family game nights” once or twice a month. They live very close to college. She let me live at their house this summer (they were living on the other side of the state due to work). She even took me to the hospital after I got into an accident in November. Left work and everything. </p>
<p>So really, we get along great. I understand her feelings on this and I respect them. I have a distinct feeling that his dad will end up helping us out (and bringing mom over with him). He REALLY likes me because we share a lot of interests and he thinks his son was lucky to get me (ha). Plus, he and another son vacationed up where I want to get married and he loved it. Maybe when mom makes it up there, she’ll understand why I love it so much ;)</p>