<p>Just cause the other thread was being hijacked… </p>
<p>I think this came up on here recently, but I’m not sure. Is it still the social norm for the bride’s family to pay for the bulk of the wedding? It just seems like a very much out-dated concept, but I was just curious as to what your experiences were with this as many of you have children that are of the gettin’ hitched age.</p>
<p>People I know that have gotten married recently fall into one of two camps: they’re either getting married QUICKLY because there’s a baby on board and often have it very cheap so there’s no major expenses OR they’ve lived together for quite a long time and are well-established and therefore paying for their own weddings. </p>
<p>I don’t want a big wedding. I already know where I want to get married and it will be cheap. My boyfriend and I (and yes, there is a very real possibility of us getting married) are very low-key people from small families. His mother has made it very clear that she wants us to get married in a Catholic church and will not contribute to any of her sons’ weddings (she has 3 boys, no girls) unless they’re held in Catholic churches. I have made it very clear that I won’t get married in a church. My parents are willing to contribute whatever they can, but they would do the same thing if I was their son. I already know that my partner and I will pay the bulk of everything.</p>
<p>I paid for our wedding expenses (rental, restaurant, flowers, clothes, transportation, photographer) while our church provided the venue and the minister. I’d guess that I spent about $1,000 altogether. This was back in the 1980s though it wasn’t a small amount of money nor a large one.</p>
<p>BTW, a church can be the people or the building. If it is a building, what difference does the building make? I think that the choice of minister (if any) and the ceremony mean more.</p>
<p>If you take gifts from an in-law, then there’s an implicit debt. With some in-laws, you know that they’ll never collect (it’s a true gift). With some others, you know they’ll collect and with some, you can’t tell.</p>
<p>Well, I would certainly not let the future MIL (or anyone else)hold you hostage with money . So, it is fortunate you and your partner already are prepared to pay for the bulk of your own wedding. We would like to help both sons with their wedding plans when the time comes (by hosting a rehearsal dinner,for instance ) but that time is probably a few years away. We would probably set some kind of limit though in case they want something more lavish than we feel we can afford. Every family will be different in what they are willing/able to contribute.</p>
<p>Thanks for starting the new thread, romani - should be interesting.</p>
<p>Our oldest d was married last October. We had previously decided on an amount to give each of our three girls (no boys here) when they got married. They are free to use it as they’d like - to elope, have a wedding reception, use toward a house, etc. D1 and her now-husband wound up using it toward a lovely, medium-sized evening wedding (130 guests). Our gift covered perhaps 75 percent of the cost of the event; the groom’s mom made a gift that covered perhaps 15 percent of it, and the couple put in the remainder.</p>
<p>They are in their late 20s, well-established in their careers, and already had a nest egg for a home down payment. I have some very sweet memories from the year my d spent planning the wedding (with some assistance from her sisters and me), as well as of the evening itself. So I’m grateful she decided to use the gift as she did.</p>
<p>I hope your bf’s mom will be agreeable about the decisions you and her son make. I strongly believe that the couple should decide on where to wed, in accordance with their own beliefs.</p>
<p>My daughter is getting married in May (:eek:). We expected to pay for it, though can’t afford one of those huge shindigs. Fortunately a huge shindig would be my daughter’s worst nightmare. They have been engaged and living for over 2 years and pretty much are organizing everything themselves. I am not sure how much of that is because her dad is so sick and we were in Houston for 6 weeks for medical treatment when they finally set a date, or how much is because that is just the way they want it (probably a combo of both).</p>
<p>They are having a very small wedding on the beach in Galveston (changed from her real wish of Florida because of her Dad’s illness). His Mom gave them some money which they used to rent a small beach house. We rented a second small beach house for out of town family and friends. We are paying for the wedding planner that will organize the whole beach thing and flowers and chairs and an officiating person. We planed to pay for the BBQ they want to have for their reception, but his Dad wants to do it as their will be no rehearsal dinner (which i had never heard of rehearsal dinners before coming to the US). Expecting to pay for he dress and the bridesmaids. Again, she wants simple.</p>
<p>I think we are probably not the norm, but it seems to be working out perfectly. She is getting the very laid back small beach wedding she wants. It’s all relatively stress free which is a huge relief as we have enough stress in our lives right now. As we are paying less than we might have expected, we have contributed quite a bit (by our standards) toward their honeymoon. They are going to Venice and Paris and ending up in London with my brother for a few days. having researched and booked the hotels for them, I am quite jealous.</p>
<p>BCE- It’s not the church building I object to. It’s the Catholic ceremony. To me, it’s starting off the marriage with a lie and I absolutely refuse.</p>
<p>And I want to get married up north on the lake where I spent my summers as a child. My boyfriend thinks this is a wonderful idea :).</p>
<p>When I married my H 25 years ago ,my inlaws paid for everything because it was their son’s first wedding , and I was on my second .,It was really nice and still going strong !</p>
<p>Yeah, the ceremony is partially designed to propagate the Church. You probably know this but you’d be better off letting your bf deal with his mother.</p>
<p>The grooms family generally doesn’t pay for anything besides the rehearsal dinner anyway.
Just tell her that you don’t want to break with tradition. ;)</p>
<p>BCE- Really, there will be no “dealing”. She doesn’t care whether or not her children get married in a Catholic ceremony or not. Her rule is very clear- you get my money if you do what I want, you don’t if you don’t. She and her husband like me, and she knows where I stand on this, and I know where she stands. It’s not really a source of friction, it’s just a fact of life. We’ve all come to terms with it and we’re a big (small) happy family.</p>
<p>We went to an interesting wedding a few months ago. Groom is catholic and bride baptist. Beautiful wedding in her baptist church. After bridal party and parents had exited the church, the preacher did a, how to put it nicely, recruiting speech to his captive audience. Started off with “a few weeks ago you got an invitation to this wedding, now I am going to give you a much more important invitation blah blah blah…”. and ended with if anyone wants to meet with me and be saved, come and see me as you leave. Went down really well with the many catholics in the church.</p>
<p>I have been to weddings of many faiths and have not experienced that before. I thought it was quite rude.</p>
<p>ek,
That’s good!
romani, mine was small, only 50 people. Have where it’s meaningful to you. If she gives you money she may also want to make the guest list.</p>
<p>We just attended a wedding in West Palm Beach Florida. There were only 17 in attendance. Both families and a few really good family friends. The entire weekend was delightful. Brides side hosted a dinner Fri night, grooms family hosted Sat night and the wedding was Sunday morning in the gorgeous courtyard of a nice hotel. It was perfect and very intimate with a brunch paid for by the couple following the ceremony. It was so nice to actually have time to get to know the “other side” and to spend time with the couple. We enjoyed it more than the $25-50,000 weddings we have attended.</p>
<p>They chose not to invite any friends or aunts/uncles/cousins because it is like opening the floodgates.</p>
<p>It ain’t happening in the Turbo household. Weddings are largely a way for families to enjoy this or that, and we do not have very many relatives or friends here (which is another sermon topic on its own) to invite… If the SIL-to-be believes I should pay for a party that will benefit 90% his side and 10% my side, I have news for him :)</p>
<p>As both my daughters are veteran cruisers, when the time comes we’ll do it as small as possible (like, 2 families only) somewhere on sea during a cruise, and SIL-to-be’s family is welcome to invite the entire state for all I care (and wine/dine them).</p>
<p>Kajon,I would imagine inviting aunts/uncles/cousins opens floodgates in some families but not others. We have a small family and not at least inviting my kid’s aunts and uncle would seem strange. Cousins/ relatives twice removed , etc. is another story. It does get interesting with friends and coworkers and who to invite,I’m sure.</p>
<p>We’ve always planned on offering X amount of money upon the news of a pending marriage. The happy couple can spend it however they choose be it for the wedding, a honeymoon or towards a downpayment for a house. </p>
<p>Of course, if our son buys a house before he finds a husband, we’ll have to revisit this plan. But the bottom line remains that we will contribute what we are comfortable with and wish the couple the very best.</p>
<p>I’m just beginning this process of planning and it is crazy how much it all adds up so quickly. </p>
<p>My future MIL has graciously offered to pay for our honeymoon, which is very generous. She understands that I do not come from a family of means by any stretch of the imagination. My family will likely be contributing in their own ways. My mom will probably be doing my hair and makeup, my sister in law may or may not be doing the photography (it’s totally a confidence issue - she’s terrified that she will ruin my wedding but her photos are lovely), etc. </p>
<p>As for the rest, my fiance received a $5000 gift upon graduation that he put away figuring it would be good to have for our wedding. Hopefully we’ll be able to cover the rest but it’s so crazy how it all adds up. The venue that he really wants is pricier, and now the dress that I am currently pining over is definitely more than I want to spend… Unfortunately the media portrays this wedding phenomenon such that the bride is entitled to have everything she wants exactly how she wants it. So while the voice of reason in my head chimes in that $800 sans alterations is far too much to pay for a dress for one day, I think back to SYTTD and this evil little voice says, “But it’s YOUR day…” </p>
<p>I think this is what the internet refers to as first world problems. :)</p>