<p>Regarding rehearsal dinners, as a pending MOG in the planning stages of the rehearsal dinner, I can tell you they are no cheap affair. By the time you include family, attendants + spouses/dates, and the few out of town guests for our side, the cost of this event will be substantial, IMO. Fortunately, ex-H is paying for everything about the amount I volunteered. Future DIL has an amount pledged by her mother and she and S are paying the balance for the wedding. I’m hoping that they can use some of the flowers from the rehearsal dinner at the wedding itself to defer a small amount of their expenses. The whole thing boggles my mind when I think what my wedding and church reception with cake and punch cost in 1979, an event largely paid for by me.</p>
<p>With so many kids meeting their future spouses from different parts of the country these days (from college or in their workplace), it seems like many more people are considered out of town guests lately at weddings (and an added expense at the rehearsal dinner).</p>
<p>We are Quakers. Quakers provide the Meeting House - free. There is no minister - and hence no minister to pay. The Meeting will provide a potluck dinner (often very elaborate), or if the bride and groom want, they can bring food in. No alcohol is permitted. There is a certificate of marriage for all those present to sign - done in nice calligraphy, it costs around $150. If folks are coming from out to town, Friends will happily house visitors in their homes. It would be difficult to spend a thousand bucks.</p>
<p>I kind of think weddings as ultra-extravagant shindigs are out-of-control today. Maybe I’d feel differently if my social circle had the means or desires for such. The other thread mentioned a $250,000 wedding. Whoa…</p>
<p>Maybe I’ve done too much genealogy (or had many cheap ancestors) but weddings of the 1930/40/50/60 eras seemed often to be the couple and 2 attendants at the bride’s home, or something very small and similar. As my mom would say, “They’re just as married.”</p>
<p>I’ll probably give S1 and S2 a set amount and let them/their spouses figure it out. S1 gf has been in so many weddings that I’m sure she could pull one together quickly, cheaply, and tastefully. She has a ton of family and I know they’d rather do a reception where they can afford to invite everyone (hog roast, etc) than something fancier where invites would be restricted.</p>
<p>I would prefer the ceremony be in a church, but I would never ever make my contribution come with strings. I intend to be a great MIL during the planning stages.(mine was not
) As long as DIL picks out my dress and they write their thank-yous timely, all will be just fine!</p>
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<p>This is true. We have a couple in our family who got married in Las Vegas. This solved so many problems for them regarding cost, who to invite, differing religions, etc.</p>
<p>What i meant by "opening the floodgates’ was that if you invite one aunt then you almost have to invite them all and it becomes impossible to keep the numbers down. The couple wanted to keep the wedding small.</p>
<p>Kajon,From your description of the event in West Palm Beach, it seemed to be a rather rarefied event (but of course I may very well be mistaken). Any out of town events will automatically exclude many aunt and uncle,cousin types , simply because they can not or do not want to pay the travel costs. If the bride,groom or their family want to pay travel costs ,it could certainly open the floodgates! I do hope my sons end up with fairly small events but I will have no control over that!</p>
<p>This thread reminds me of one of my old school Parent Cafe favorites as we followed molliebatmit as she planned her wedding. <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/245508-latest-wedding-updates.html?highlight=molliebatmi[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/245508-latest-wedding-updates.html?highlight=molliebatmi</a></p>
<p>The wedding threads here are always fascinating to me. I had never heard of plate cost before a recent thread. The cultural norms are not normal! I was married in the 1970s and had no clue what to do. When my MIL asked when she should send the invite list I about fell over because I didn’t think people would fly 3,000 miles to my wedding. They did! And from both sides of our families.
Quaker style, my dad (clerk of Meeting) hand made our self-written vows on a lovely large paper which we all signed. Mom hand did the invites–we just wanted close friends and relatives. My mom made the cake and roped in friends to help with a picnic style reception dinner. Probably we had no liquor and never gave it a thought. I never thought about who should pay for out of town guests’ lodgings: I guess I thought hey if they want to come, either stay with family or pay for a room somewhere. Probably crass now that I’m more aware of what is expected, but I had no clue.
My mother, OTH, even though raised Quaker, had that fancy wedding. Her gift book goes on for pages. They wanted very few silver salt shakers, would have liked a few more hammers and spare tires because they moved far away from that “this is how you do it” life.</p>
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<p>similar to engagement rings… and equally outdated concept that survives on the back of child labor in Africa.</p>
<p>That said, I do appreciate understanding expectations. I should probably open up discussion about this with my husband and our two college grad sons (thanks so much College Confidential, you helped with so much!) who have long time girl friends. Since I have always taught “marriage before babies,” (that’s from another thread) and I hope they follow mommy’s instructions, the marriage dollar discussions should come. (My parents never talked money and marriage with me.)</p>
<p>^^ Indeed. </p>
<p>Fwiw, my ex’s engagement ring was platinum. My engagement ring was lab created white sapphire and recycled white gold. </p>
<p>I fully intend on getting an ethical diamond/sapphire engagement/wedding ring, again with recycled gold. When I can afford it. I don’t support blood diamonds and I’m really not even a huge fan of the man going out and picking out the engagement ring. The only reason I got my ex an engagement ring was because I knew exactly what he wanted and I proposed. I hated my engagement ring. My own personal preference. </p>
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<p>Lol. I don’t think any of my aunts weren’t pregnant when they said “I do”. My mom was pregnant. My parents don’t care when the babies come as long as no one gets married solely because a baby is on-board.</p>
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<p>:eek: :eek: :eek: Indeed. Rude, condescending, and doctrinally arrogant at the very least. I hope someone among the assembled stood up and quietly, but firmly told that man where to shove his “invitation to be saved.” …Unbelievable!</p>
<p>swim, did the bride/groom etc ever find out? If so, did they say anything? I would have been mortified if I was them (unless of course they were the type of couple who actively tries to convert people… that would be different).</p>
<p>We mentioned it to the parents of the groom and they had apparently wandered back into the church just as it happened. They were appalled. Half the people in that church were their side of the family, all strong Catholics. No idea how the Bride and Groom felt or if they were aware of it. He’s a Catholic and not at all the type to be trying to convert people. No one said anything, wouldn’t want to spoil the couple’s day, and I don’t think it was their fault. So everyone else behaved much more graciously than the preacher as far as I was concerned.</p>
<p>Either that or everyone was just too stunned to react.</p>
<p>I’ll just throw my 2 cents in about the Baptist preacher. It’s a c-o-m-m-o-n occurence in some conservative Christian denominations for the preacher to put out an “invitation” to “get saved”. These types of believers don’t believe that church affiliation/attendence/cultural association necessarily means that a person is a believer.</p>
<p>The minister did not necessarily think or believe that anyone present was not a believer—he just believes himself spiritually bound to present the invitation to all who enter his church who he doesn’t personally know. It’s his belief, just like the celebration of the Eucharist is a regular feature of the Catholic wedding. </p>
<p>It can be jarring to those who have never experienced that before. Just know that he meant no offense! He wasn’t recruiting members for his church i.e. “converting.” He was trying to “get people saved.” In his world that’s a world full of difference.</p>
<p>mini and Birch, Quaker weddings sound really wonderful.</p>
<p>romani, I think there really aren’t any rules anymore. When I was your age, it was very rigid about who did what, who paid for what, who sat where, who wore what. But today, honestly I think just about anything goes – whatever works and feels right. </p>
<p>Tradition doesn’t have to be all or nothing; you can pick and choose. My wedding was very small and non-traditional, but I chose to keep two old-school elements. We said traditional vows because it made us feel connected our history. And I did “something old, etc” just for the fun of it.</p>
<p>LasMa, that’s what I’m starting to see. And I’m thankful. It just seemed like many brides were still expected to foot a large part of the bill back on the other thread. That’s why I was asking :). I had assumed it had become more shared or whatnot but then that other thread raised questions…</p>
<p>I will probably do the something old thing etc. I’ve always liked that haha.</p>
<p>By my observation of my social circle, it seems like parents of daughters have stepped away from the expectation of paying for the entire wedding, but they still like to contribute quite a bit… while a lot of the parents of sons seem to be blindsided by this and don’t expect to contribute at all. Some do when they realize the bride’s family isn’t ponying up, some don’t.</p>
<p>My sister is getting married way too young and for all the wrong reasons and because she’s not financially ready for it at all, my parents are going to end up paying for the whole thing… They’re kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. In their mind you only get one REAL wedding, and this is it whether my parents really believe in it or not, so they don’t want to “deprive” her of the standard family wedding. I suspect I am going to be paying for most of my wedding by myself but my parents will chip in here and there where they can… they won’t be able to afford to pay for the whole thing even if it is modest. I’ve told my parents I don’t want more than 50 people tops (would prefer more like 20 and a dinner party at home rather than a huge reception) and they had a cow because that would exclude all their friends that have never met me or seen any of us in 20 years… can’t have that!</p>
<p>I’ve been to many Baptist weddings but have never experienced a post wedding sermon or any kind of salvation solicitation. And I live in the Bible belt.</p>
<p>We plan to pay for our daughters’ weddings unless they want something beyond the budget. Then they will have to contribute or live with less.</p>
<p>Our own wedding took place at a church and moved for the reception to a brand new country club. Since they were still trying to build their membership, they booked wedding receptions to non members at a really reasonable price. We had a simple affair- typical of the times and our circle-which included hors d’oeuvres and finger foods, wine and beer (no open bar), coffee and tea, etc. We had a pianist, no DJ or band, no sit down dinner (it was an afternoon wedding). It was a beautiful setting with a panoramic view of the golf course and lake, yet nothing extravagant. Other than a guest stepping on my veil with her spiked heels, it was perfect.</p>