<p>Around here the “norm” is for the couple to pay for most of the wedding and the parents to help if they can. Often you see the bride’s family paying for the wedding dress and flowers and the groom’s family paying for the rehearsal dinner, for example. Weddings, compared to other parts of the country, are pretty low key here, usually a church wedding with a reception at a “hall” of some kind–sometimes churches have a place, sometimes it’s a club somewhere (golf clubs-but not “Country Clubs”), etc. I would be very surprised if the average wedding cost more than $9000 or so here. That’s not to say that there aren’t some over the top, $200,000 weddings done for some but 99% of the people, not the case.</p>
<p>When/if one of our kids gets engaged, we will have a conversation with them about wedding plans/finances.</p>
<p>In our family, I honestly have NO idea of what my parents paid for any of my sibs (only one has remained unmarried). For OUR wedding, they paid for THEIR guests. The groom’s parents paid for THEIR guests. We paid for OUR guests & everything else. It worked out great.<br>
I know they’ve paid a significant amount for some or all my sibs weddings, but never asked nor was given any details. I think they try to work it out with the happy couple & the in-laws so there are no misunderstandings but have never felt it my business to inquire as it was not MY $$.
Weddings in HI can run into a LOT of $$ very quickly–they often involve several hundred guests (extended family, co-workers & friends) and a multi-course meal at a nice banquet hall. Exceptions abound.</p>
<p>As a Justice of the Peace, have officiated at several weddings at various lovely places significant to the bride, groom and/or couple (mostly outdoors). It is great when folks choose what works for them.</p>
<p>So…I recently had a chat with my son’s girlfriend. They are (considering she brought up the conversation) “serious”. I will say that she is a lovely girl. All that follows is an open conversation: Her parents lost all their money. This happens. We have set aside a certain amount of money for each child. This can be used for a wedding/honeymoon/very partial down payment on a house. Her family “expects” us to pay for everything because they paid for their son’s wedding. I smiled and said…you will be given a certain amount of money. It will pay for a lovely small wedding (70) which, as she knows my son prefers. Girlfriend said that her parents “expect” to invite 150 of the relatives…plus friends. I said, good…they will pay for those guests.</p>
<p>My husband and I made it VERY clear that going into debt for a wedding is stupid. We would be very upset if that were to happen. It’s five hours of your life…what matters is the future.</p>
<p>Oh…not the girlfriend’s take but…I think any girl who wants to be a “princess for a day” isn’t old enough to get married.</p>
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<p>You can get ethically clean engagement rings a heckuva lot easier than ethically clean cell phones/laptops/tablets/video game consoles/etc etc etc. And there are a lot more of the latter than the former in the typical household.</p>
<p>When/if the time comes, we will offer the D’s a budget. If they want to be princess for a day with that, that’s fine by us. If they want to use their own savings and/or a contribution from their mate-to-be’s family to bump up the budget, that’s fine too. If they want to keep things tiny and save the money for something like a house or seed money for a business, that’s fine three. ;)</p>
<p>Just assuming we will pay for D’s wedding when the time comes. For son, we paid for rehearsal dinner. I’m curious how other posters feel about this: couple wanted to invite 1/2 of Aunts Uncles and not invite the other half. In one case our family lives across the country from the extended family and son truly doesn’t know half of extended members of family well as at most he sees the whole family not even annually and its a very large group who know each other well as they live very close to each other; for brides family they just “don’t like” certain family members and will exclude them as a result. To save money, no cousins invited as bride/groom not “close to any of them”. When son asked if he could exclude half my siblings I asked him to reconsider and either invite all, or none. Said I would pay for the ones he didn’t want to include. But feel strongly sending a message of being inclusive is better than excluding. My husband was furious with me and said I had no business asking son to invite all my siblings. Daughter agreed with me. On top of that I was really sad, and somewhat worried, to have future daughter in law inform me she thinks it is perfectly fine to exclude relatives she doesn’t like from such functions…</p>
<p>IMO, you either invite all the relatives or none (extended)- unless there is very, very bad blood. Heck, I’m going to extend an invitation to my uncle who told me that I was going to hell for not being Catholic (when I was a young teen). He most likely won’t come. He’s missed the last few cousin weddings because being on Fox News is more important to him than family. OTOH- I won’t be inviting my biological grandmother. She has never been a part of my life and cut my dad out of her life when he was young. She has never made an effort to contact me and I feel no connection to her. The last time we met (over 10 years ago) she barely acknowledged that I was her granddaughter and was very cold to me. My grandfather’s new wife (by new I mean 25+ years of marriage) is my grandmother and the only grandmother I will ever know.</p>
<p>I say invite who you want to your wedding. If someone gets uptight about it, their loss. That day is not about them, it’s about you.</p>
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<p>I never cease to be amazed a the gall some people possess. I mean, I could not imagine saying this to my fiance’s parents with a straight face. </p>
<p>Our wedding was a group effort-my parents (divorced, remarried) paid what they could afford, DH’s parents chipped in what they could manage, and we paid what we could afford. We were very cost conscious, very appreciative of the help we received, and stayed in budget. And loved our wedding. My only regret was not getting a better photographer.</p>
<p>I don’t like the “it’s my day” thing. It’s the couple’s wedding, but that doesn’t mean they leave everything that came before at the door.</p>
<p>My niece got married last fall (big thread on that) and excluded one of my adult children and one of my brother’s adult children, despite the two excluded being no more or less close to the bride than the others. She also chose to invite her 50+ year old godfather to the wedding without a guest, but invited all the friends of friends of the bride and groom with dates, some whom ended up being random pick-ups.</p>
<p>That bride’s brother recently had a baby and they (along with the mother of the bride from last fall whom i blame for a lot of the things that happened with that wedding) are planning a gala christening. My husband and children, my married brother (whose son was excluded from the wedding) and his children, have all decided that they will not attend the christening and just want to be left alone because they have been hurt enough and will not be present at any event hosted by my sister or at which her daughter will be in attendance.
Point being that actions have consequences and, while it may be the couple’s day, it’s still their lifetime and they will have to deal with any consequences they incur. So I’m a vote for inclusion and courtesy, too.</p>
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<p>Not only that, but their children will have to live with the consequences, too. My “god-father” didn’t invite his brother to his wedding because he didn’t like his sister-in-law. There has been bad blood because of this for decades and now the children don’t know their cousins. It’s such a shame.</p>
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My sister is godmother to two of my kids and I really don’t think she will ever see them again. Her kids either. It’s been my personal experience that as some people get older, they want to have family around them and to have people in their lives who remember where they came from. My niece and nephew grew up with my kids and with aunts and uncles, but I believe the door is closed permanently.</p>
<p>Fwiw- I will never see my godfather again either. He is not biological family, and he’s done a lot of nasty things to my family because we’re very close to the other brother and sister-in-law and their kids. The other brother has been my dad’s best friend since about 1st grade. </p>
<p>zoose, those kinds of stories are heart-breaking to me. I have only a half-sister who doesn’t really care if I’m in her life or not and I have some cousins that I talk to but we’re spread out around the world (I come from a very small family). I wish I had a bigger family and it breaks my heart that some people push away their family for one reason or another. I guess it’s just because I cling so closely to what little family I do have. ETA: I’m not trying to judge anyone for anything, so I hope I don’t come off that way. It’s just sad to me as an outsider who would LOVE to have a bigger family.</p>
<p>I feel strongly that once you decide what the outer circle of invitees is going to be, you have to invite everybody within the circle, absent really unusual circumstances. Liking some of the better than others isn’t enough.</p>
<p>But I will say this: some of those people who you are sure won’t travel to the wedding, but you have to invite anyway, will actually show up.</p>
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I would, too, as would my kids. I’m the very much younger sibling, so cousins aren’t of my generation, and among my own slblings,one brother lives halfway across the country with his family and the other is my sister and her kids. That’s it. It’s a little sad on holidays that we have no extended family, but it is what it is.</p>
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So I’m guessing that believing that someone within the circle won’t be financially able to “cover the plate” wouldn’t be a good enough reason for you to exclude? Seriously, though, I really like the circle analogy.</p>
<p>Is an “ethically clean” engagement ring one that hasn’t been used before/recycled/returned to the purchaser in case of decision not to marry, or after a divorce? Thats a new one on me.</p>
<p>I recently decided to show my s’s the diamond that was my paternal grandmother’s engagement ring that my dad had set in a necklace (she died when he was a child). I never wear the necklace, though its pretty valuable, just not my taste, and would be considered an “estate” piece (ie old style). The diamond is just sitting there and its available to either of my s’s if they want to use it and have it reset. Its I believe called (?) a european cut, which is what was used back then ( ever so slightly different than the current brilliant cut diamonds), but its a pretty 1 carat round diamond and they certainly can’t beat the price! Free is free! Hopefully the intended would not take issue with a family stone. I think I might be offended if it was turned down. I’ll have to think about that.</p>
<p>I just started wearing my mother’s engagement ring and eternity wedding band. My mom’s ring, also I think possibly a european cut round stone with baguettes, is a big rock. I told my s’s they’d have to cut it off my cold, dead fingers.</p>
<p>I’m curious about this etiquette issue regarding invitations:</p>
<p>So you say when you choose to invite a particular circle, it’s an all-or-none deal. So, that’s an interesting dilemma for me. I have about five cousins with whom I would say I have any relationship whatsoever, a couple of whom I am actually close with, and almost 20 cousins total (this being first cousins). So in order to invite the few cousins that I actually know, would it be necessary to invite the lot of them? Also, along that grain, my aunt in Florida has 4 adopted children in addition to her grown sons that also have severe conduct disorders because they came from extremely neglectful homes. They are destructive and violent. If I invite my aunt and her husband, would I be expected to invite these cousins as well? (Though I strongly suspect that she would not bring them in the first place because of these issues.)</p>
<p>Just make sure that while your parents and in-laws are trying to fill up the guest list with THEIR friends and relatives that YOU also invite YOUR friends.</p>
<p>Others may disagree, but IMO, you invite who you want to celebrate the joyous occasion with, not who you feel “obligated” to invite.</p>
<p>As we were going through our list of invites, many moons ago, we were paring down work associates to get to our number. The very last couple we took off our list are now our best friends. They were new to the area and we didn’t know them well then, the the reason for taking them off. Funny how life works sometimes.</p>