I’m not sure you necessarily need to do that, but I would consider hurt feelings. If you have family of cousins with three adult kids, it’s not nice to invite two and exclude one without good reason. Just consider feelings is all. I would say inviting a few out of a large group is fine, but excluding a couple out of a larger group is not ok. Also, I wouldn’t treat close relatives differently from each other without good reason. If you’re not sure if you might hurt someone’s feelings, stop and consider before you act.</p>
<p>I think it’s hard to declare a hard and fast rule regarding invites… so much depends on the family dynamic. Each of my parents has one sibling. My immediate family is so close with the aunt/cousins on mom’s side that the cousins and I are practically siblings. I think I’ve laid eyes on the cousins on my dad’s side maybe a dozen times total in my life even though they only live 20 minutes away, and I wasn’t invited to either of their weddings-- and they’re unpleasant people that I am not particularly fond of. I wouldn’t feel guilty inviting the cousins on my mom’s side and not the cousin’s on my dad’s side… though my grandmother would pass out if I did that, nobody else would care. If I were to invite their mother, though, I’d invite them… I don’t think you can split immediate family units but I guess that also depends on your specific family dynamic. None of the immediate family was invited to my older sister’s wedding and nobody would bat an eye if I didn’t invite her to mine… so.,. you never know. ;)</p>
<p>jym, more accurate to say cruelty-free or conflict-free or fair trade diamonds. If something is being handed down in the family, I agree with free is free, especially since the stone was purchased/mined long ago, and using it or not isn’t like buying a “new” stone. But that’s a personal call. A similar issue might be living in a house constructed from bricks made by slaves.</p>
<p>I have no idea what my daughter will want for a wedding, but I’ll contribute what I can (depending on how much or how little financial aid I get when she’s in college – there’s only so much $ to go around).</p>
<p>A few years ago, I was talking about the whole college search and a work colleague told me that since he has 3 daughters, and he’ll have to pay for 3 bat mitzvahs and 3 weddings, he’s already told his girls they’re going to a state school. </p>
<p>Maybe when the girls get closer to actually applying, they’ll have an open conversation – I have this much money for either college or wedding, not both – let’s discuss which will help you more.</p>
<p>I really don’t know how I will handle this. I know I am not paying for all of it. It may just depend on how I feel at the time. I don’t really feel the need to give my girls big weddings. They sure can have any size they want but I don’t have need to spend loads of money on a wedding. I am sure I will give something.</p>
<p>I have one dgt and one son with special needs. He will not go to college and will not be getting married. I do plan on a huge graduation party one day for him with a band or other such entertainment. My DD is addicted to Say Yes to the Dress and so are many of her friends. She is only a freshman and has already started saving towards her dream dress someday. I think that spending that much is absolutely ridiculous. She thinks the whole experience of going to NYC and picking out a dress would be perfect. There are so many gorgeous dresses and you don’t need to spend that much on a dress for the one day. I am planning on paying for most of the wedding costs, unless she surprises me and saves the money herself. I know we will have to have a limit as we do not have an endless supply of money but being my only daughter I want her day to be truly special while not going overboard. It seems as in many aspects of life, people are constantly trying to outdo one another and it is just not necessary.</p>
<p>Wait, the part about paying for the bat mitzvahs and then saying they’re going to state schools does not compute. Are you sure you got the ethnic group right? :eek:</p>
<p>Seriously, what kind of parent these days is saying that they’re gonna splash out for weddings, but not for college?</p>
<p>^^^^Just a note to your daughter: There is no “one” trip to New York. You go to purchase the dress. You go for a fitting. You go for a FINAL fitting. AND then you pay extra for the shipping. (Note: alterations on wedding dresses are VERY expensive. Yes, even when you are measured there are tucks etc. That cost can EASILY be in the 100s).</p>
<p>Oh, and if she wants a veil…they can run thousands as well. </p>
<p>I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say this did not happen at our wedding do to an obnoxiously long list from my MIL (no, they didn’t contribute in paying).</p>
<p>In our circle, “covering the plate” has nothing to do with who comes to a wedding. Two weddings of couples who had already been living together are the norm. They don’t need or want fancy dishes.</p>
<p>It was the couples themselves, I think, who sent out the invitations, even though all sets of parents were equally involved in these wonderful events. Both couples (late 20s) specified in the invitation that they sincerely wanted no gifts, but would understand if people couldn’t deal with that, so practical suggestions were offered. The suggestions were things like help with the house building or bring a bit of food or play music at our reception.</p>
<p>The outdoor weddings and backyard receptions were designed by the couples. One couple had bridesmaids all dressed alike. The other couple was dressed well but not classic “Brides” magazine style. Hundreds of people were at both weddings and receptions. One modest buffet was catered and the other was a combo pot luck and family provided home foods. A part of each wedding was at a family member’s home.</p>
<p>We “covered the plate” by my husband’s talents. He spent time wiring one couple’s home, and provided the sound system and played in one of the bands at the other couple’s reception. We felt this was exactly what the couple wanted, and would help them further their lives together. I don’t know what or if other people contributed (obviously these couples were listed not in local gift registries).</p>
<p>Beyond the bridesmaid’s dresses for one party, and the food/liquor, it appeared the biggest expense (which I didn’t reflect on until this thread) was the travel involved to gather people together. I’m unsure where the hoards of guests stayed. One couple now lived out of state but returned for the wedding, along with a traveling circus and relatives from all over the world.</p>
<p>I think what the couples most enjoyed was the presence of those who had nurtured them–the large extended family of friends and relatives–throughout their lives. Witnessing the exchange of vows, the promise of the future, and then partying the evening away (all for them and their parents!): what a joy.</p>
<p>There are so many ways (some expensive, some not) to celebrate the union of 2 people who love each other. My niece got married at City Hall then had a small dinner with friends. My nephew had a big wedding in Santa Barbara, but I think he and his wife paid for quite a bit of it. When my brother got re-married, I let his fiancee wear my dress and veil. She was very happy to have it.</p>
<p>Slithey Since we live in California where financial crisis(es) are affecting our schools we forget that there are states where their public universities are excellent: UNC, UM, OS…just to name a few. And yes, for some the UCs are a great education. We know people who, when given the opportunity, gave up their golden ticket to go to the Golden State.</p>
<p>And, since we live in LA we are very aware of the Persian culture where the groom’s family pays for the wedding. </p>
<p>As for numbers: A dear friend, mog, was given 11 invitations. No opportunity to pay for more…that’s it.</p>
<p>We had one couple that we invited write on their reply card that they were bringing 14 people. ALL of them showed up & the entire clan chipped in to purchase a fork or some such for the bridal couple!</p>
<p>Our extended family has had a few weddings where some of the “circle” of relatives are included but some are excluded. It “feels weird” to those who are included as well as those excluded. For example, some cousins and aunties/uncles of the bride or groom are invited while others aren’t. </p>
<p>It can be tough to figure out how not to have hurt feelings. I remember when I got married & invited all the attorneys & secretaries (I worked at the firm for 5 years & knew them all pretty well), the firm’s former private investigator whom I had barely spent much time & barely knew with expected that he would also be invited and was hurt that he wasn’t included.</p>
<p>ellebud–wow, generous of the bride’s family, all 11. I would have had a serious heart to heart with my son over the wisdom of marrying into a family like that.</p>
<p>I think it depends so much on the couple involved and how they deal with issues as they arrise. It can be quite revealing of the families and personalities. Could provide good insight for the couple and sometimes even be grounds for calling off the wedding entirely, which happened in a few that I’ve heard about (one of my brother’s friends had bride call off the wedding, which she threatened to do if he attended a bachelor’s party–he did so she called it off; they ended up having a ton of food that couldn’t be cancelled but saved on divorce attorneys.</p>
My husband knows someone who actually did this. The guy told his d she was on her own for college costs (so she started at a CC and moved on to a state uni, with loans), but he came up with $60,000 for a wedding. Apparently it takes all kinds. </p>
<p>The issue of whom to invite can be a tough one. There’s usually someone somewhere who’ll take offense. My rule of thumb in these situations is to act delighted if I get an invitation and serene if I don’t. I personally don’t want to be invited anywhere out of a sense of obligation.</p>
<p>When my d was married, she and her husband split the number of invitations down the middle. D’s MIL invited several friends, one of whom refused because her adult daughter, who lives 1,000 miles away and is an acquaintance but not a friend of either the MIL or the bridal couple, was not invited and felt snubbed. You know? You can’t please everybody.</p>
<p>On the dress: my daughter and I looked in many many places, from designer-chic at $3000 per down to discount remainder houses, for the dress she wanted. In the end, she chose to have it custom-made to her own design (and it’s astonishingly beautiful, of course) by a small-town (California) dressmaker we saw out the car window while waiting for the light to change. Cost? $1000. It is far and away the most expensive part of her wedding plans, but those $299 dresses were awful. Fabric that didn’t hang correctly, hundreds in alternations needed, terrible sewing, with stitch lengths that wouldn’t hold up for more than ten minutes. We’d hoped to find a good dress for $500 but it honestly wasn’t possible. Fortunately, I found a dress for myself that I quite like for $89.</p>
:eek:</p>