Weight gain

College Life
1

My son is a college sophomore. He has always struggled with weight, but usually only about 15-20 lbs. He is very sedentary, always has been. No sports, no interest in sports. He gained a bit freshman year, but this year things got really out of control. He is now 80 lbs overweight, and at 5’8" he can’t carry it. I have tried to suggest very delicately that he needs to do something, and he says he knows and he wil. Then he will go to the gym once or twice and then forget about it. Despite having plenty of friends, he prefers to order food in his room and watch TV or play video games.

At Christmas I was slightly firmer with him (I don’t want to give him a complex). I suggested he start seeing a school nutritionist, which he is doing but he said she is of little help. His friends all made a plan to start working out together but they only go about once a week, and he won’t go by himself if his friends are not available.

I am worried about his health, his love life, his career prospects. I don’t think he is depressed or overly stressed despite going to a very difficult school and in a rigorous program. I have suggested he go talk to someone in the mental health center but he says he doesn’t need it. When I try to bring it up, he gets mad at me and tells me to leave him alone. Tonight I told him I cannot leave him alone about it, I am so worried about him and we need to come up with a plan together, maybe medical intervention, etc. He got mad and refused to discuss it.

Next year he will be in an apartment with a kitchen. He says he plan to cook but I know him and I believe he will start living on hot pockets and frozen pizzas. He will gain even more weight, and he really can’t afford another pound. I just had to buy him a new blazer for interviews, it is a size 48 short.

Any advice? I know he is a grown man now but he is making poor choices and I can’t stand back. But he doesn’t want me involved. I am considering sending him to a weight doctor for diet pills, he does not use drugs and does not have an addictive personality but this seems like a bad idea. I also toyed with sending him to the Duke weight loss center after school lets out, but it is very expensive and may only be a band aid. I would hate for him to go back to his old ways afterward.

Your thoughts and suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

2

Just like freshman 15, heh.

On a more serious note, I think it’s the freedom of choosing that’s getting him the extra weight. You should take a more drastic action if he’s not willing to shed a few (or more) pounds. If you’re paying most of the tuition, then use that to your advantage.

I myself am a HS senior and I see myself in your son, except the weight part. I often eat junk food, play video games, and am really lazy in fitness but I do walk a lot since my classes are far from each other. You could tell him to walk more often, or play video games outside (if he likes using a DS/PSP).

3

It really doesn’t matter how much he goes to the gym. He’s going to need some type of motivator to get him to lose the weight. I’m a college freshman and I was slightly overweight first semester, but I thought about rushing a fraternity my sophomore year and something clicked and I developed a much healthier lifestyle with rushing as a goal. I saw how attractive most of the guys in the fraternities were, and knew that I could get there if I lost the weight (not to mention the health benefits, career benefits, etc. etc.). I’m not planning on rushing anymore, but the healthier lifestyle stuck and it shows (and it feels great to get compliments!)

What worked for me was to not call it a diet. I did start a lifting regiment, but for cutting down weight it’s all nutrition while preventing as much muscle loss as possible (by eating protein). He has the same problem I had where I used to eat a bunch of crap. What worked was starting small–cutting out all soda/candy/fast food, plugging every single thing I ate into a calorie counter app, finding out my macros and what I needed to eat each day, and stuff like that. http://bodybuilding.com has a bunch of great nutritional resources for “cutting”. Have him plan a cheat day once a week. Honestly, he can still eat some crappy food (Chick Fil A and Subway come to mind) as long as he watches his quantities and makes sure he gets the right things. A fast food day for me is oatmeal w/ 4 equals (sugar substitute, 0 cal) and blueberries, Chick Fil A lunch chargrilled chicken sandwich no fries with water, then 2 grilled chicken breasts w/ hot sauce for dinner. My usual day is oatmeal, chicken breasts and veggies, 0 fat low carb (<15g) Greek yogurt, chicken breasts and veggies, 0 fat low carb (<15g) Greek yogurt. It’s bland, but it works. Greek yogurt’s an awesome snack, so long as he can control how much he eats. I also take Casein (protein supplement) at night to curb hunger instead of going to my campus’ diner, and Whey (another protein supplement) after I workout.

He might need some tough love, but what he really needs is an incentive to stay healthy and fit. I don’t know what that could be for him. Some of my friends love to party, and they noticed which kind of guys get the girls (hint: the fitter ones!); that worked for them.

Nothing’s going to change unless he gets the determination to change, though. It doesn’t matter how sedentary he is (well, it does, but not much); weight loss is 90% diet, 10% exercise.

(I’m 6’2", am now active on my school’s club swim team so I had to stop the lifting regiment to prevent injury, and went from 225->180ish with a muscular build and am still cutting [but I’m almost done, then it’s time to gain some muscle!]. It’s definitely possible, he’ll just have to want it.)

4

He can lose weight eating those things, if only he eats less of them. Presumably your ultimate goal is for him to exercise and eat better, but if he tries to do everything at once he’ll probably just get overwhelmed and fall back into the same old patterns.

5

^Definitely.

Cals in < cals out and he’ll lose weight. It’s a numbers game.

6

You can, and you have to. It’s been shown over and over again–you can’t make (or motivate someone) lose weight. It has to come from within the person himself. Stop driving yourself and your son crazy, because it won’t lead to the desired result, and you’ll just alienate him (which you seem to be doing a great job of already) and have constant strife in your relationship. Just tell him whenever he feels he wants to do something about his weight, you’ll be happy to help find the best options–and then let it go. Stop discussing it, stop coming up with ideas, threats, and plans to "send " him places (how?).

7 
        Really, it isn't anything to do with you now, that time has passed. Engaging in sports and activity is something you do when they are children. Healthy eating is something you do when they live with you. You can cut off his money if he has enough to order take out delivery though LOL. Bullying and threatening him is going to backfire. 80 pounds overweight isn't anything explainable by simple freshman eating, that usually take a long time. The weight issue is just the symptom. Whether he decides to address that is up to him, you have to just make sure you are not invested in him as a project, again that time is well over.
8

You will get more advice if you post this in the Parent’s Forum. This summer when he is home you can make some changes to the family’s diet, keeping processed snacks and sweets to a minimum. Plan some activities that the family can do together-hikes, biking etc. Take a walk after dinner. Get him moving, any way you can but make it fun.

9

Dealing with kids who have weight issues is tough. I think harping on them only makes it worse. They know when they’re overweight. If we nag them about the foods they eat they may stop eating them in front of us, but it doesn’t mean they’ll stop eating them. I don’t believe the majority of overweight people have mental health issues, I think they simply have bad eating habits. If you’re nagging him as much as your post indicates, he does have stress in his life.

Several of the children in my extended family had the same issue. We encourage healthy eating and an active lifestyle by providing healthy foods and setting an example. We don’t discuss weight. We’ve discussed cholesterol, diabetes, and other health issues the same way we discussed alcohol, drugs, and smoking. They have the information they need and know they can ask us for info. whenever they want.

All of them are at healthy weights now because they chose to have healthier lifestyles. Their reasons for making changes were different. One was worried about developing heart disease later in life, one wanted to have more energy, one wanted to be able to fit into more stylish clothes, and another wanted to rid his system of processed foods. They had to make the choice to live healthier when THEY were ready.

I think the best way to avoid giving him a complex is to leave him alone about his weight and not encourage him to turn to pills. Does he know how to cook? When he’s home, I’d suggest you have him help you make dinner and ask him to help you do the shopping, then leave him alone.

10

Can he take a gym class in college? That would help him get there on a regular basis.

11

I agree with what @MommaJ said. Studies have shown over and over that you can’t force someone to lose weight. They have to want to lose weight for themselves. Otherwise, you’re just driving him and yourself crazy. Using his tuition payments as leverage is only going to drive a wedge between you two (and also, would you really want to hold his college degree hostage over extra weight? If you think his career prospects are damaged now…)

Your son is an adult. Yes, he’s a young adult who could still use your guidance, but he’s still an adult, and he has to make his own choices about his health and weight now. You can’t be there his whole life to stand over him and make him eat healthily and exercise; he’s got to make those choices on his own now. If he doesn’t want you involved, then there’s really not much you can do besides burn yourself out worrying and drive him crazy.

Also, going to a doctor for diet pills is a terrible idea. First of all, I’m not even sure whether doctors still prescribe those, but diet pills only work as long as you take them. There’s also some evidence suggesting that they actually slow your metabolism down, so when your son does go back to eating normally, he will probably gain all of the weight back and then some. Keeping a significant amount of weight off for more than 3 years is extremely difficult - there’s a huge body of research showing that - and requires an entire lifestyle change. He would have to eat less and exercise more.

Also, I don’t know what 80 pounds overweight means - the “ideal” or “normal” weight is a range, not a single score. But if you are worried about his health, you should know that studies show that people who are overweight or slightly obese actually live longer! The problem is not so much the weight; it’s whether he’s living a healthy lifestyle.

12

[QUOTE=""]
I don't know what 80 pounds overweight means >>>>

[/QUOTE]

80 pounds overweight at 5’8" is really significant, it is not an abstract notion or magic number. If you take that 80 pounds from the very top of the weight range for height in any measure especially. Platitudes are just as bad as nagging.

13

Thanks for the advice, I think he is overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to do. I want to help him figure it out but he does not want my help. It appears hopeless.

14

Would he consider weight loss camp as a counselor?

15

Just gotta get him exercising, that’s the critical piece. Food can come later. How about this: Lease him a nice car like a Mercedes E-Class on the condition that he loses weight and keeps it off. If he fails to keep it off, quit paying the lease.

16

It may be as simple as just doing some extra walking each day…I wonder if he could just walk around the campus each day once…if he does it daily, he will feel better and it is easier to go to a gym. Also, you might want to just check for signs of depression…All of it can go together sometimes, weight gain, sedentary lifestyle, tiredness…often signs of depression.

17

Does he have a Wii? I know the Wii has dancing and fitness games that can at least get him moving while he plays video games. You could also do a reward system. Like if he loses a certain amount of pounds he can get a video game or something. It is kind of hard to motivate someone who doesn’t want to be bothered. He might deep down know he has a weight problem but might not want to admit it or do the work that goes into losing it. I think after school ends you should talk to him about it because he could be stressed for the end of the year madness that always occurs.

18

Again, it’s all in the diet.

19

Low carb - lose weight without necessarily having to exercise.
Can you nag him to get tested for diabetes ? An actual medical reason to get the blood sugar under cobtrol could be motivating, specially if it’s a doctor telling him.

20

Forgot to add - nutritionists are not very helpful, imo. They usually go by the guidelines (pyramid, whatever it is now) which are too lobbied to be useful.