This story is heart breaking for parents, Japanese or not. I know, far worse things can happen to children but still everybody’s burden is heavy for them. What differences do you see in parental expectations and actions among different cultures?
“My parents spent every dollar making sure I was at the top of my class for the components they valued: academics and white-collar office skills.”
“And each year, they asked for perfect grades, glittering trophies from piano competitions and an obedient daughter. “
It resonated more as I’m watching a middle school football game and can hear and see sports parents putting the same pressures on their children. None are Japanese or immigrant for that matter.
That page indicates that the author’s parents came from Taiwan, and their parents moved there in 1950 when the CPC won the mainland of China in the civil war. Japan is only mentioned as a part of her early childhood living with a relative who lives there.
In any case, looks like the kid’s view of stereotypical tiger parents.
I can’t modify my mistake in original post now but thank you for correction.
As far as dismissing it as Asian tiger parent issue, there are many forms of tiger parents, including but not limited to academic tigers, sports tigers, dance/pageant tigers, religion tigers, racial superiority tigers, class tigers, military discipline tigers etc. All pushing children in direction parents prefer.
Or perceived expectations? That was the case with my relatives. A young man felt pressured to go into engineering. Except his parents DIDN’T expect him to become an engineer! They kept telling him, your major is your choice, you just need to decide. The kid put these pressures on himself, thinking, my grandfather was an engineer, I’m good at math, I like to build things, etc etc etc. In the end he chose something other than engineering. But he did have a few years of angst.
My kids did notice that kids of immigrants did seem to strive and work harder than most others were willing to—guilt, pressure, external or internal? It’s tough to tease all of this out.
I’m glad the author seems to have found happiness and a good partner and career. Not all can say the same. Sorry she also had some depression and other baggage, but many do and don’t achieve as much as she has.
@katliamom, our kids’ psychiatrist told us they felt pressured. I was very discouraged. I told him that we went out of our way NOT to put pressure on our kids. He said that it was PERCEIVED pressure. They had two parents who were engineers and two grandparents (paternal grandfather and grandmother) who were doctors. They thought they had to succeed. Ugh. I couldn’t do much about their background!
Yeah, none of us can help reduce perceived pressure. My kids noted that all their relatives had college degrees and only two didn’t also have a graduate or professional degree. My kids still have managed to blaze their own trail and seem happy—so far have avoided going beyond a bachelor’s degree. So far, no therapists either.
Remember that many immigrants were selected to be allowed to enter as skilled workers or PhD students. Bachelor’s degree attainment for immigrants from many countries is higher than in either the US generally or in their countries of origin.
It should not be surprising that kids of such immigrants tend to have both nature and nurture advantages in education compared to the general US population. Yes, there can be overbearing tiger parenting (which is not necessarily an advantage), but many immigrant parents are not overbearing tiger parents.
How to balance expectations with reducing stress? Parents whose kids are not doing well in school are told that they need to hold their kids to a higher standard, make them study more, make them hand in homework. Parents whose kids are at the top of the class may be told they are putting too much pressure on the kids even if they aren’t actually putting any pressure on them. Parents who try to reduce pressure on their kids by suggesting they take fewer honors or AP classes may be told by the kid that the parent “doesn’t believe in their abilities” (heard this from a friend).
Different kids perceive the same level of parental expectation differently. Some may appreciate that the expectations helped them meet their own goals. Others may find it stressful.
Thinking back to the Tiger Mom book, apparently her kids are quite successful under her regime. Her younger daughter is quoting as saying something along the lines of “sometimes pushing just means you believe in your child”.