<p>I agree that potty training and nose wiping weren’t much of a focus. D is a hard worker and I’m not sure I can take any credit for that. She seemed to be hardwired that way. I do think a lot can be done and more should be done, in many cases, to promote kindness.</p>
<p>My younger daughter and I heard the Dalai Lama speak on the importance of compassion this spring.
[Seeds</a> of Compassion : 5-Day Gathering in Seattle](<a href=“http://www.seedsofcompassion.org/]Seeds”>http://www.seedsofcompassion.org/)
Even though the sound system made some of his speech difficult to hear, it was a moving experience.
[Local</a> News | Scientists to share insights into compassion with the Dalai Lama | Seattle Times Newspaper](<a href=“http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004330611_compassion06m.html]Local”>http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004330611_compassion06m.html)</p>
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<p>My idea of success goes far beyond being kind and hard working, those sound like goals for the mentally challenged; I expect positive contributions to society/others at the very minimum. Model the behaviors you want your kids to have. They will pick up everything, good and bad. Your definition of success will influence them. Does success mean financial, social, producing many children, being happy, maximizing their potential, contributing to their world, fitting in? If going to college is the norm (or grad/professional school) they will incorporate it into their view of how things are done. If being an athlete is encouraged they will be exposed to sports and making time for them. If religion is desired, take them to worship services and have them taught the mythology before they learn there are other conflicting beliefs, it is easier to imprint at a younger age. To value reading expose them to books, read to them, read yourself and visit libraries and bookstores. Have high expectations. I expect an internal locus of control, this means learning to do things because they are the right thing to do, not because of fear of punishment by society or some god. The Golden Rule seems to be the best for treating others right, they can argue against any religion later but will have trouble with the logic of this. Giving them experiences with their peers is important for them to learn how to deal with others appropriately, choose your neighborhood, daycare and schools with this in mind.</p>
<p>Some of this seems to backfire- your teen will criticize your lack of knowledge, intelligence, kindness and every other virtue you attempt to instill. Maybe that’s how we know the message got through- when our child reminds us at a summer camp that we aren’t to comment on someone’s obesity because it would be unkind (nevermind the rude manner they chose to tell you this). Parents are exempt from being treated like others- we see the lazy, unhelpful, rude, sloppy person others offer praise about. There is so much more to say, but enough of my time composing and editing my thoughts.</p>
<p>I subscribed to the high nurture/high demand model. Love them up as hard as you can every moment and set very high expectations. This wasn’t a conscious strategy. It’s just what felt right and a friend gave me a label for it a few years ago. </p>
<p>I think the hardests part is questioning your own motives as much as possible. Am I trying to raise a great kid so that my kid will have a great life or so that I will be seen as the mom who raised a great kid? </p>
<p>So important to check the parental ego at the door. And sometimes so hard.</p>
<p>I hope I’ve raised good kids - I think the jury is still out though!</p>
<p>I read to them and had a house full of books. If they were interested in something I gave them the resources to explore it. For my late reader that meant I also got to learn more about World War 2 than I ever wanted to know! </p>
<p>I tried to use natural consequence and positive discipline techniques. Didn’t always succeed.</p>
<p>I breastfed forever.</p>
<p>I tried to teach them that deed was more important than creed and that there is human worth in ever person and it is our job to find it and nurture it in other people. By trying to bring out the best in other people, you bring out the best in yourself.</p>
<p>I don’t think there’s a magic formula and my kids are very different. There’s more hardwiring in kids than I expected before I had them.</p>
<p>^^ agree with mammall.</p>
<p>My very wise sister-in-law/educator says that children can only be generous when they feel secure in the world. Not saying that they have lots of stuff, but that they are loved, cared for, and safe. Children who feel this way are kind, don’t spend their energy seeking attention, and may even give away their coats. </p>
<p>And as to hard-working, I’m a big believer in fostering internal motivation. When things go well for children, rather than praising them, we’ve tried to talk about how it feels to work for something and have a good outcome. Sometimes the outcome is a smile from someone you’ve helped, sometimes its a grade, sometimes it is a feeling that you’ve pushed through a self-perceived limit.</p>
<p>I believe rewarding behaviors (praise, money, public accolades) confuses the child’s ability to connect with the feeling of doing right, with doing things to please others.</p>
<p>Google Alfie Kohn for parent/management/educator targeted books and website on this topic.</p>
<p>I don’t think I ever analyzed my husbands and my parenting style - but we set expectations, kept a schedule (bedtime, daily routines, etc.), delt out punishment when necessary, reinforced please and thank you, kept the extracurriculars to a minimum and didn’t give them everything they asked for, and expected them to help out in around the house in an age appropriate manner…and utilized a sitter who had very similar values and ideas about how to raise kids. People tell me our kids are “nice”. The kids think we were “strict.” My husband was “stricter” than his parents and I was less “strict” than my parents…that old meet in the middle approach. I didn’t read any “parenting books” either.</p>
<p>I agree, mathmom, about the hardwiring! </p>
<p>riverrunner, thank you for the reference to Alfie Kohn. I’ve just gone to the website and read a couple of articles that I liked very much. </p>
<p>No words of wisdom from me, but I’m enjoying all the comments. I don’t find any of them self-satisfied - advice was solicited by the OP.</p>
<p>Alfie Kohn is great! Where has this man been? I just get depressed reading his ideas about schooling because what we have keeps moving in the opposite direction of what he proposes. So tired of my kids being on the perpetual gpa tread mill . . .</p>
<p>I’m tickled by all the references to breast feeding. I was a die hard on this - breast fed D1 about 14 months and D2 for two years. I really believe it helps instill a sense of security in the child. Such a simple wonderful marvelous thing we can do for our kids with 100 percent good results.</p>
<p>I enrolled my D. in very many activities when she was very young (starting at 4). When she got into HS, she thanked me for that saying that it allowed her to meet a lot of new people in a lot of different social settings which made her very sociable, acceptable and understanding of very different type of kids. She saw a big difference in terms of social development between herself and somebody who has spent much more time being at home. She still maintaining whole crowd of friends some of who do not even close with each other and who she can comletely trust. It continued helping her a great deal at college. Her level of involvement when she was young was extreme - she was in 5 different activities, some of which were several times a week, a lot of driving, both of us working. So it is not a solution with more than one child at home.</p>
<p>On a note of raising a hard working person, that was easy in her case. I just told her once in her life when she was 5 years old that she cannot go to her swim practice until all school assignments are completed and done the best that could be expected. I never had to repeat that since she loved her swimming and would not miss it. She ended up graduating at the top of her class.
We never used punishment, but bribing worked very well in correcting some behaviors when she was around 3.</p>
<p>Set a good example.</p>
<p>Don’t use baby language.</p>
<p>Get them reading early and provide the tools for them to learn independently.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread. I am the father of 15 month daughter. I can’t get my wife on board with a lot of the ways I try to help my child, so I just do it myself to the extent I can. Of course, the most important part of it is just being with my daughter and loving her and playing with her.</p>
<p>There are few things I do:</p>
<p>1) I read to her every day.</p>
<p>2) I spend focused time teaching her English because our house operates in Portuguese. This isn’t me with a chalkboard ;); it’s just me repeating things to her, reading, teaching her a bit of sign language, etc. She says things in both English and Portuguese, playing with her in English. I speak only English with her and insist that my wife speak only Portuguese.</p>
<p>3) When she was pregnant, I made sure my wife took all the right nutrients every day. Unbelievably, sometimes she fought me on this even though I tried to approach it gently.</p>
<p>4) I pleaded with my wife to breast feed at least through 6 months. She quit at 2 months, but we did use the latest/greatest formula after that (supplemented with DHA/ARA). Wow, mammall, I am envious of your husband. ; ).</p>
<p>5) We live in the city, but I take her to farms to see animals and I go out running with her and try to take her to parks to play.</p>
<p>6) I expose her to a lot music, and she has always seemed very responsive. I want to get her in unstructured toddler music classes soon.</p>
<p>7) I removed her from a nanny situation without other kids to being with other toddlers – actually it’s a day care my wife hired a couple of people to operate out of the downstairs of our home. I read somewhere that the greatest predictor of a well-adjusted, successful 18 year old is how well socialized they are as 3 to 4 year olds. My daughter is adjusting to having to share things and share attention, and I think this is good.</p>
<p>Here’s an article that I liked, for later:</p>
<p>[The</a> Secret to Raising Smart Kids: Scientific American](<a href=“http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=the-secret-to-raising-smart-kids]The”>http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=the-secret-to-raising-smart-kids)</p>
<p>BedHead, one piece of advice I’d give you as you continue to parent is how important it is for you and your wfie to present a united front! :)</p>
<h1>1 Laugh together</h1>
<h1>2 Read together</h1>
<h1>3 Sing together</h1>
<h1>4 Eat together</h1>
<h1>5 Experience life…post office trips, cooking, blueberry picking, zoo’s, museums, libraries, (all the things that are way easier to do WITHOUT a toddler or youngster by your side)</h1>
<h1>6 You made the choice to bring them into this world- don’t blame them when you have to make sacrafices for them…whether financial, house cleanliness, exhaustion</h1>
<h1>7 And let them know you love them no matter what!</h1>
<p>(and then remember you’ll fail at least 50% of the time so don’t beat yourself up!)</p>
<p>We read everyday
Set boundaries
Consequences of actions
DH and I always “agreed” on the actions in front of the children…
Homework/grades took precedence over ECs
Regular bedtime schedule
Tell them everyday “I love you”…they are worth all the sacrifices.</p>
<p>“I spend focused time teaching her English because our house operates in Portuguese” -
This is not very necessary and actually could backfire later. My D. did not speak any English until she went to day care at 3. Learning Entlish was primary reason why we put her in day care. They pick up very quickly. However, maintaining and teaching her your own language is much much harder. We lost our battle there, so I would advise you very strongly to use Portugese with her and spend much more time on Portugese rather than English., particularly if she is in day care already.</p>
<p>breast feeding past 2 years old…LOL</p>
<p>Is this a nature vs. nurture discussion? 
(Wouldn’t we all just like to believe it’s great genes?)</p>
<p>I have three kids, and raised them differently in many specifics, because they were very individual people. My single piece of advice would be to get to know your kid. At some point or another, I have used most of the points here, and also broken most of them. (I talked baby talk to them - horrors! My best friend had an advanced degree in early childhood development - and a kid the same age as mine - and she was appalled at me. Her kid went to Cornell; mine went to UPenn. I guess maybe it didn’t matter after all???)</p>
<p>Guess the jury is still out as to how they turned out. That will be for future generations to decide. But I’m happy with them. And I was happy with them then, too. Self-satisfied in a big way.</p>
<p>However, none of them is perfect, so I guess that means I did something wrong along the way. I’m thinking “out loud” as I write this. I’ll bet that our children in some ways reflect our priorities. Our kids pick up early what matters to us, and I think that becomes part of their being.</p>
<p>There is a verse (Old Testament, I think) that says Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. I think that is very true. Like the “Cats in the Cradle” song. Or this old poem:
[If</a> A Child Lives With](<a href=“School Website, CMS & Communications Platform | Finalsite”>School Website, CMS & Communications Platform | Finalsite)</p>
<p>Keep on speaking to her in English, and your wife in Portuguese. Your d will wind up bi-lingual, which is such an advantage. The thinking is that up to age 7, acquisition of a second language is easier.
I know a man who spoke only French to his d from birth, his wife and the rest of the world spoke English. She now knows both languages.</p>
<p>Thanks for the interesting article. My ex-husband had figured that out a long time ago, about praising for effort, not intelligence.</p>
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<p>We did this also and then supported her choice, no matter that she wore polka dots with stripes to school. (Considered making a button that said–“My parents let me dress myself this morning.” I think that I could have made a fortune!)</p>
<p>I think that it is important that kids learn to make decisions instead of having mom and dad make them for them all the time. As the kids got older, the seriousness of the decisions to be made was increased. By the time they are out of college, they are out on their own and making their own decisions–about everything. We need to prepare them (and US) for that eventuality.</p>