<p>In other words, how did you raise a child who is kind and works hard? How did you treat that newborn, on up thru early childhood? What did you expose the child to?</p>
<p>I have my own ideas from having done this myself, but would like to learn what others have done. </p>
<p>Thanks.</p>
<p>Used positive language and interactions - for example, “terrible twos” became “terrific twos”, etc. I read somewhere that the average American toddler hears “no” vs. “yes” at a ratio of 200/1. So I changed the ratio.</p>
<p>My parents were nice to me and treated me like an adult as I was growing up. It left me with a lot of responsibility and taught me to become very self-motivated.</p>
<p>Either that, or they were just tired after dealing with my older brother and didn’t feel like parenting me as much.</p>
<p>Unconditional love of the individual; specific expectations regarding behaviors toward others.</p>
<p>Emphasized kindness and consideration among family members and in all interactions</p>
<p>Emphasized honesty and the notion that trust was assumed, but once lost it is very hard to regain</p>
<p>Emphasized effort more than results. Emphasized trying something new more than succeeding and winning. Both of these are important and difficult when dealing with smart and accomplished kids</p>
<p>Laughter and love. Fun and silliness. No questions were out of bounds. Tried to always tell the truth.</p>
<p>Getting angry is OK and normal. Being rude and mean is not. (works both ways.)</p>
<p>I think there are many paths that can lead to having great children - our path is just one. We were a mix of alternative and conservative. Our “recipe” included</p>
<p>Continuum Concept of Parenting
Extended Breastfeeding (beyond age 2)
Stay-at-home mother (beyond age 6)
Several years of homeschooling (dependent on the child’s best interest - did not do it longer than 4 years for either child, wanted them to have multiple experiences with schooling)
Belonging to a faith based group (for us, a major Christian denomination)</p>
<p>Books:</p>
<p><em>The Continuum Concept</em> Liedloff
<em>Siblings without Rivalry</em> Faber and Mazlish
<em>7 Habits of Highly Effective Families</em> Covey
<em>The Manipulative Child</em> Cotter and Swihart (don’t let the title throw you off - it is all about getting AWAY from the punishment/reward paradigm and into effective parenting and communicating)
<em>The Well-Trained Mind: A Guide to Classical Education at Home</em> Wise</p>
<p>Bottom line - I read a lot, I questioned a lot, I tried lots of things. I got involved with my children. I made sure my spouse was “on board” with all major ideas. I found what worked for us… but I think the key is making conscious choices and living by example. The rest just falls into place. I don’t think a parent needs to do <em>my</em> list - but a parent does need to find their <em>own</em> list of concepts and ideas that resonate for them and gives some basic path to follow. </p>
<p>For our daughter, the number one piece of “glue” that has made her who she is today (a wonderful young adult) is the experience with our Church life. It gives her a foundation, it gives her peace, it gives her purpose during a time that feels extremely tumultuous to her. For our son, who is still in high school, I think that Church is take-it-or-leave-it for him, and experiences such as the stretch of homeschooling as well as his very strong sibling bond with his older sister (Siblings without Rivalry) is more key to his strengths as a young person.</p>
<p>I do recommend the books above, even if you decide not to use any of the ideas - sometimes just the exploration of the ideas is important.</p>
<p>Annika</p>
<p>Let them get messy, dirty, gooey, dress “funny”, play in puddles, bake, scream at the waves in the ocean</p>
<p>And volunteer, you can do lots of things when they are little- holiday cards for seniors, cookies or sandwiches for the homeless, dusting at grandma’s house, just think about what you do with them at home, and find a way to turn it into something for others</p>
<p>What seemed to work for our DD:
Always gave her choices-minimum of two.
When boundaries needed to be enforced, would use a “head-up” such as: “one more and then no more”.
Read books constantly. As she got older would read them together-Harry Potter was great fun!
Would try to bring the concepts of classroom learning outside-counting, dividing,identify trees, flowers, stars-you get the drift.
We would hug alot-hold her hands-massage her back-kiss-let her know she was special-not because of how smart she was (as her intellect was noticeable at a very young age) but because she was DD-perfect just as she was.
Involved her with community activities-collected coats for the homeless-when she was 5 she helpt me. When a little boy about the same age/size came with his father to collect the coats-she took her coat off and gave it to the little boy. The father and I just looked at each other-both of our eyes misted.
Encouraged her to try new things. Would support her if she did not succeed. and try to install in her the idea of commitments. When she wanted to take piano lessons-she had to make a one year commitment-not so easy in 2nd grade! Onthe other hand-she was only allowed 2 outside activites from school. This allowed for time to “do homework” and time to just be a kid. Many of her friends had different activities almost every day-even in kindegarten and first grade!
I hope this helps-APOL-a mom</p>
<p>I saw that “Well Trained Mind…” book and was VERY impressed with it. I had forgotten it.</p>
<p>I plan to pass all these ideas along to my own children and to my niece, who is about to have a baby.</p>
<p>Some of these ideas are new to me. I’m so glad I asked this question!</p>
<p>And I’m noticing that you parents were very involved with your children’s learning about the world, and also so loving. I did start out that way with my oldest, but then #2 came along not long afterwards, and I started getting stressed and busier, etc…<br>
My kids turned out well, but I don’t think I can take that much of the credit in comparison to you all!</p>
<p>Also, how did you create hardworking children, if you can recall???</p>
<p>A sense of culpability for actions - there are ramifications, both good and bad. Also read a lot, and let D watch all the news. Did not censor. We played geography games with the globe and map - I would call out something and she would look for it. She is now a geography and current events whiz. Exposed her to languages, and she is now studying 2. Took her to the theater, symphony, ballet and opera. She now loves classical music and theater. Exposed her to all different sports. Though she doesn’t like to partake, she loves to watch tennis and swimming, and can’t get enough of the Olympics when they are on. Made her a real Renaissance woman, with appreciation of all types of activities, and an understanding of the various aspects of what life has to offer.</p>
<p>Still trying to wrap my mind around the concept of what would be an “unsuccessful” one-to-seven year old.</p>
<p>Sorry, was it garland? </p>
<p>The title space didn’t let me put any more words. I was trying to say “successful TODAY (as teens or adults)”. </p>
<p>Successful in the sense of hardworking and kind, because that defines ‘success’ to me.</p>
<p>Oh, one thing (of many things–it was a long time ago!) that I forgot. </p>
<p>An observation: success without effort is not particularly helpful in learning life skills. I noticed early that many many things came pretty easily to our boy. </p>
<p>I am glad that he started piano lessons at age 5. He was fine, but certainly no prodigy. We supported him and helped him to stick to the practice schedule. He stayed with piano for 9 years, until he switched to cello. He loves music and probably experiences it on a different level than he would if he had not played for so long. But as important, to my mind, is that he stuck with something that was not a piece of cake for him.</p>
<p>Later, he came to love soccer. He was not built for the game, and was not a natural athlete. He worked hard and developed his skills to the point that he played on a very selective club team and later played varsity in high school. His skills were solid, but he was never that knock-your-socks-off -with -his -talent kind of player. But he knew the game inside and out–knew just where to be all the time and just what to do, where the other team mates would be and what they would do. The kind of player that coaches love to have on their teams.</p>
<p>These are things that I think were important in our son’s development, and go along with my previous mention of valuing and supporting effort.</p>
<p>edit–as to taking credit: I don’t take any credit at all. We made our share of mistakes, and the poor boy had to teach us how to be parents. I know wonderful parents who have children that have made very sad and self destructive choices. All I did was love the kid and do the best I could figure out how to do. I was very intentional about it, because my parents were not good at the job,and I needed to reinvent the process.</p>
<p>My D spent her early years - through 4th grade - at one of the Friends’ schools - with an emphasis on Quaker values. The emphasis on acceptance and conflict resolution really stuck with her. The thing that I chose to really emphasis was empathy. It seemed that I knew so many kids who didn’t know how to look at things from others’ perspectives and I thought of it as a learned skill rather than a personality trait. It has really cut back on the number of sentences that start with “I”.</p>
<p>Yup, I already know about the piano lessons at age 4 or 5! </p>
<p>I learned with my last child from his guitar teacher that almost everyone who has ‘perfect pitch’ had piano lessons very young. Piano lessons help with music, with math, and with doing homework later on, because it’s hard work for most kids to learn to play and practice the piano.</p>
<p><em>The Continuum Concept _does in a tangental manner address the issue of “hard working” (probably in different words) … it is about the individual finding a purpose and belonging in a larger community. Thus, if one builds a strong family (the first unit of community), it lays a foundation. It isn’t about dictating to the child (though certainly that can be a powerful component to raising a child and I can’t say that it hasn’t been used from time to time) as much as creating an environment where the child _wants</em> to be involved (ie: hard working). It’s a fascinating book.</p>
<p>The <em>7 Habits</em> book definitely goes into this concept of “hard working” a lot. Another good read.</p>
<p>One “home grown” idea (not from the book, but likely influenced from a combination of things I’ve read) was the idea of a “Chore Jar”. I made colorful cards with chore names on them - and every Saturday morning, everyone in the family - mom and dad included - picked one or two cards from the jar… and then did the chore. At first, we had to do chores together (buddy up) to teach the child all the steps of… for example, how to sweep off the front porch well and water the potted plants and dust the window sills on the front face of the house. That chore would have a name like “Put on a Happy Face” and the mini list of what that entailed… the idea being that the front of our house is like a face, and it needs to be “smiling” to greet us and our guests. Each chore had a funny name and a concept. Each chore took about 20 minutes start-to-finish. I laminated the cards (used cheap stuff from craft store) so they’d be long lasting. It really worked - the kids felt like everyone contributed, the chores were randomized, even dad did them, they were “trained” how to do it well, and praised when they were able to do them alone, etc.</p>
<p>I just found that reading books by people who were mini-experts in their fields just gave me a lot of creative ideas on my own. Sometimes I used ideas I read in books, other times I modified or made them up on my own.</p>
<p>I think if you concentrate on good connection with your children, paired with some basic reasoning that children under 7 will generally accept at face value (we need to keep the kitchen clean, no germs or food going bad, and clean enough that if guests showed up that we’d feel happy having them in our home - SO we need to pick it up every day) - children will go with the program 9 times out of 10, especially if it is approached communally (everyone pitches in - might be doing separate chores, but at the same time).</p>
<p>The whole concept of “hard working”, I think, for ages older than 7, has a LOT more to do with self-esteem, which can not be “given” to a child. It is something that comes through slowly stretching out into the larger world and dealing with success and failure and growing from it.</p>
<p>Annika</p>
<p>All the above somewhat self-satisfied child-rearing tips and techniques are certainly interesting and worth considering, but I have to express great skepticism that it is possible to find a recipe for a child who is “kind and works hard”. Having raised two children in similar fashion who turned out to be as different as night and day in their personalities, work habits and abilities, my advice would be to educate yourself to a reasonable extent on child-rearing theory, do the best you can, then sit back and hope for the best. And as for the years 1-7, I’m afraid you will be spending an inordinate amount of time teaching your child to be a “success” at using the potty or at not wiping his nose on his sleeve and will have little time or energy to ponder how your actions may be impacting his future success at college admissions.</p>
<p>ROTFL MommaJ… Isn’t that the truth…</p>
<p>Read to my kids a lot. Took them outside a lot. Traveled with them - even when they were infants.</p>
<p>This is a ‘retrospect’ question. </p>
<p>Looking back, what do you recall doing (if you can remember) that you think shaped your child to be kind? to be hard-working?</p>
<p>Nah, potty training started around 2 1/2 and ends around age 3 yrs old as I recall (I was pretty casual about it). It just takes one quick, ‘no, don’t wipe your nose on your sleeve’ said maybe 50 times, then you’re done.</p>
<p>There is plenty of time around those 2 activities (and the other routine ones that we all know occur in child-rearing) to make that extra effort that probably does result in producing a child with tendencies to be kind and hardworking. I was soliciting what those efforts might have been to any and all who wanted to answer.</p>
<p>Thanks to all respondents, and if anyone else wants to share, I’d be delighted to read your comments.</p>
<p>To make them hard-working, we followed the rule: Do what we need to do, then what we want to do. Helped them set priorities, I guess.</p>
<p>To make them kind? The Golden Rule</p>