Wow, that’s crazy. So sorry you have to deal with that. I don’t have any good advice. Plenty of bad advice though, which you don’t need. Do you have a relative here in the US who is maybe more Americanized, who they might be willing to listen to? You did NOTHING wrong.
I was allowed to date at 16, and I think that is a good age, but it depends on the kid and both their ages. My son has been allowed to be alone with his girlfriend since he hit 16. My daughter never had a boyfriend unitl recently, and she is a sophomore in college. She would have been allowed to date at 16 also.
OP I really liked @ccprofandmomof2 suggestions. I think it’s really important that you work on loving, mutually respectful boundaries now. I once worked with a guy whose parents immigrated from Egypt. His parents put so much pressure on him for a particular arranged marriage that he eventually caved and went through with it. He was so distraught afterwards that he was throwing up every day. He ended up divorcing the girl within 2 years, ruining her life, and his relationship with his parents. You don’t want this to happen to you.
Chinese here…My girls were not allowed to date until 15. D1 was fine with it, but D2 said to me, “All good (looking) guys will be gone by then.”
Neither one had a real boyfriend until college, even though both of them always had a date for school dance.
Someone I knew well lived with an Indian guy for years in the US. The guy went back home for a visit. He called her few days before he was due to come back to let her know he was to come back with his wife and wanted my friend to move out. I guess he never told his parents he already had a girlfriend in the states.
@VickiSoCal To clarify we’ve been dating for about four months, we have pretty similar social circles and a lot of mutual friends so we’ve been out on a lot of dates with friends and a few alone (she has a car). We have gone a bit farther than hand holding (nothing excessive - a few slightly touchy make out sessions), my parents simply saw us holding hands and got mad.
I am not trying to disrespect my parents or their wishes I just feel like this behavior isnt exactly wrong and that my parents are being excessive. I honestly feel like the relationship has improved my overall mental health (she’s a solid support system) and is just a fun and seemingly healthy part of my social life.
Also for those wondering she is Indian, albeit from a very different part of India and her parents are both first gen Americans not immigrants. Her parents knew about us and were chill with us.
Although we really like each other, it wasn’t a very serious relationship and a larger problem is the hardline against dating my parents seem to draw. They say I am too young now but when I ask what age they consider appropriate they dismiss the question. I am unsure how to approach the issue.
" I just feel like this behavior isnt exactly wrong and that my parents are being excessive. "
You’re right. It isn’t and they are.
“I honestly feel like the relationship has improved my overall mental health (she’s a solid support system) and is just a fun and seemingly healthy part of my social life.”
Have you told them this? Plus, if you’ve been together for 4 months, I assume your grades haven’t declined this semester so that would be another point to make.
Do you have siblings? Are you the oldest/only child? Just wondering if you have siblings who’ve been through this.
Immigrant parents tend to hold on to what they think are “traditional” values much longer than their country of origin holds on to those values. In urban parts of India it is now common for teenager to date in groups, hang out together, etc. However, that being said, having a serious relationship at this age would still be fairly uncommon.
You are not going to get anywhere fighting with your parents. You need to try to understand their concerns and you need to try to communicate your issues. It is much harder than it sounds, I know. My (Indian) husband had a very hard time dealing with his parents after deciding to marry a non-Indian (me). But after a year (yes, a year) they came around. He was always calm, always respectful and in the end they saw that he was not going to change his mind.
My kid is 16 and asexual/aromantic, so he doesn’t really want to date anyone. I try not to pressure him to look closer. I worry that he’s going to get away to college and have an awakening and fall in love but not have the social tools to deal with it properly, and also that he’s missing those high school rituals of the dance, the holding hands in the hallways, etc.
But it’s his life and not mine and he gets to live it however he chooses. My husband isn’t above pressuring him about girls. Or boys. I try to stop it but it’s there.
I think you have to stop seeing her alone for now. But I’d make the case that SciOli is important for your college apps. I’d assume you can explain the problem with your parents to her. Maybe you can still get some time together at group events, during the school day, etc. But I’d go underground from your parents. Not sure what to say about your phone. You will be away at college, hopefully, in 2 years.
As a parent. I have told my teen girl, that I would rather she finish high school before she started dating. She is really busy so she does not have time to date at this point. I would like to keep it that way. I did’nt date until I graduated college.I do not expect that to happen with her. I will have to see her maturity level before I approve and there will be a lot of restrictions and supervision.
Never had rules, find the more rules the less truth you will get. Oldest son has only dated a bit but nobody serious enough for me to have met. He is almost 21 but late in growing up, just barely graduated HS and took a while to get into the working world. Currently he is working nights at UPS and taking classes during the day at a community college and likely will show interest in dating as he gets others things in line on his own. Oldest daughter is turning 18 and has dated just 1 boy seriously but he was way more serious than her so she ended that after a month or so. She on her own decided its not worth the drama and effort and thinks the pool of guys will be much better at a good college than our little town. Younger daughter is 14 and same rules for her but has not had to much interest in dating just yet, mostly just hanging out in groups. They all have been very open about relationships with me, and a lot of that has to do with giving them the freedom to decide when they are ready and not to make it something that needs to be secret by being against a rule.
Just want to follow up on the direct issue, your parents have rules to try to protect you and help you, not make you miserable. Talking to them about it is really the best thing you can do, but if you disrespect them and go on with out their consent, even if it seems outrageous will have a lasting effect on your relationship with your parents. I would not give up if you really like this girl but take it all into consideration, let her know the truth as well. If she really likes you as much as you like her she will be willing to take a step back while you work on it with you parents, just not forever so you need to be fair to her and understand she might not want to continue. If it comes down to it, and picking a side unless you really and truly feel she is the one and could someday be your wife it is your parents you will be spending the most time with going forward.
With all that said, whatever you do has to be your decision, if you choose to continue to date either behind your parents back or not you need to own the fallout. It is not insurmountable and will get better with time but will be a journey that you decided to take. If you decide to end things with your girlfriend and honor your parents wishes that also needs to be something you own, it is a choice and you can’t hold that against them for years to come.
I had a professor in College that taught me a very important life lesson, no matter what people might tell say, you always have a choice. That choice will have consequences but you can never use the excuse I had no choice.
This is your decision to make and your choice, both sides have pro’s and con’s but you are the one who decides and has to own it.
To parents: I would have “let” my son start dating at any age. I am not big on rules and limitations, and I am big on respect and open communication.
I think that when kids have a relationship, it is indication enough that they are developmentally ready for it. If you have created a relationship between you and your child with open communication, hopefully your child will be able to talk to you about anything that they are anxious about as they begin the wonderful process of learning to love and be loved by another— to listen, to care, to negotiate, to share with that person.
To the OP: It is probably that your parents care about you, and also most parents raise their children how they were raised, and rules about dating may have been part of that. Also, parents worry about their kid getting emotionally hurt or getting someone pregnant or getting an STD, and talking about sexuality makes some people uncomfortable, period. Wait until you are calm and talk it out with them (maybe one parent?) listening carefully to their concerns and revealing through your calm and mature responses that you are mature enough to address these concerns and won’t be making choices that will ruin your life.
“As a parent. I have told my teen girl, that I would rather she finish high school before she started dating. She is really busy so she does not have time to date at this point.”
Not sure I buy this logic. Life just gets busier with college and career. It’s important to learn to juggle and balance it all.
"Never had rules, find the more rules the less truth you will get. "
“I think that when kids have a relationship, it is indication enough that they are developmentally ready for it. If you have created a relationship between you and your child with open communication, hopefully your child will be able to talk to you about anything that they are anxious about as they begin the wonderful process of learning to love and be loved by another— to listen, to care, to negotiate, to share with that person.”
Agree with these comments. Respect is a two way street. To me, open and honest communication is imperative to raising children and I don’t think strict, authoritative parenting fosters that.
My daughter is a cute girl but didn’t date at all in high school. I think a big reason was she saw all the land mines going off in her friends’ relationships! What disasters. D was the person they turned to when their lives were “falling apart” due to their boyfriends. I think she’s dating in college, but she doesn’t talk about it.
I’m still waiting for my older son (age 27) to start dating! He did go out with his Science Olympiad friends in groups in high school - and I think he was interested in one of the young women on the team, but she was more interested in his best friend.
My younger son had a big group of friends that did things together. Some were couples, but I don’t think he ever was. He met his current girlfriend junior year in college - they’ve been together four years now.
I think you’ve been given good advice. You are unlikely to change your parents much, but if you could find someone in your ethnic community to talk to them about relaxing their rules a little, that is probably your best bet. I would fight (diplomatically!) to stay in Science Olympiad - I think the angle of saying that colleges expect to see activities outside of the school day like this is your best argument.