My only suggestion is that it might not be such a bad thing if your parents do this. They might hear something helpful from the other parents.
We had no rules, we valued honesty, and we still got no information whatsoever from our older child. She was 27 before she told us about a boyfriend, and it looks like that will be the only boyfriend she ever tells us about. She had been going out with him for seven months by the time she said something to us. We did not imagine she was not dating boys, at least occasionally; that wasn’t her personality. We knew about prom dates, but none of those were serious relationships. There apparently were some serious relationships during college, but we didn’t know about them.
All of her high school socializing was in groups, and there was very little pairing-off, at least not until the very end of high school. Her late high school BFF officially had a boyfriend, the school politician, but the relationship was far from intense (he came out a couple of months after starting college). She was not really prone to getting crushes on guys.
Our other kid was the first boy in his class to have a girlfriend, in 5th grade, at age 11. It was completely her idea, not his, although he was happy to go along with it. It caused panic among the parents of their classmates, and I spent a lot of time assuring people that the relationship essentially consisted of talking to one another and sometimes holding hands at school, and saying they were girlfriend and boyfriend, nothing more. Which was true at the time. Unlike some of the other early relationships mentioned in this thread, however, it lasted over three years, with some off and on, and it took him almost as long again to get over it when she broke up with him for good.
He was very girl-friendly, and had periodic girlfriends and flings throughout high school and college. (He was a lot better at flings than he was at being a boyfriend. He didn’t cheat, but his bandwidth was limited, and he didn’t dedicate enough of it to “girlfriend” to make any girl happy for long.) Unlike his sister, he told us at least 80% of everything, and we got to meet a lot of nice, impressive girls along the way.
His wife, by contrast, is from a traditional Indian family, and as far as we can tell she started dating when she started dating him. They were 24 and she was in medical school. Before that, it was all group stuff in college, with no one that ever constituted a boyfriend. She knew she was going to have conflict with her parents if she ever dated a non-Hindu, or non-Brahmin, and she decided not to have that fight over a relationship she didn’t think was serious. She also rejected the option of hiding anything from her parents; that wasn’t the relationship she wanted with them.
You know what? She’s fine. She’s happy with her life and with herself. Not ever dating until she was really an adult didn’t stunt her emotionally or keep her from having a good time.
You can’t do much about the family you are born into. You can push back, you can have tantrums, you can sneak around, you can buckle under, you can have long philosophical debates . . . and at some point you will probably do each of those things. Right now, it seems like they hold all the power, and they are being unfair. Which is true, to some extent. But long term you hold most of the power, and you, not they, will eventually dictate the terms of the life you choose to live. Your parents will influence that choice, both positively and negatively.
High school relationships are generally overrated anyway so you may not be missing much. The distraction, tears, and emotional energy can be substantial.
@doschicos I only have a younger sister (13) who also received a very long talk about the importance of not dating due to this incident.
Update for everyone else: my parents calmed down considerably and we have decided to take a break from the relationship for a while, we’ll still see each other in/after school and are still attracted to each other so idk how it’ll be. Although this is pretty upsetting its not intolerable, I am just concerned about how my parents will handle more serious relationships later down the line. But I guess I will deal with that when it becomes an issue- later down the line.
I understand the cultural/generational confusion. All our neighbors are Indian and have very strict rules with their children. Some just obey and some rebel. Try to find a middle ground. I know your gf is hurting. My daughter dated, (started at 16) but was 17 at this time, a really wonderful boy. They were great for one another. Then I noticed that she started sneaking out at night to see him. I couldn’t understand, he was welcomed at our house. It turned out his parents, that were extremely religious, told him he could not see or call our daughter because another parent told her that my daughter was crazy. Now my daughter had nothing to do with that family for over two years. She suffers from depression and had a bad bought of it two years earlier. They said their son could not date a girl who was crazy like that (she had been doing great). Well they snuck around and saw each other until they decided to go to his parents and explain that she was different now and how they would only see each other at his house with his parents present. They then called my daughter all kinds of names to her face and sent her away, took the boys phone and had him sleep at the foot of their bed. He eventually had to call her and say that his parents were right and she was toxic. My daughter has not been the same since this and that was 3 years ago. Just try not to let the girl feel bad about this. It wasn’t her fault and it wasn’t yours. He was 18 and I felt terrible for him. He was homeschooled and they wouldn’t let him out of the house without his mother for 4 months.
I know it is hard but see if there is an elder that is more reasonable (and Indian) that can talk to them.
My son dated in 8th grade but only to movies with others, had that girlfriend until 10th when he changed schools, got a new girlfriend and dated her until he left for college, and now has a new girlfriend that he tells me he is going to marry some day. I get to meet her next week!
@google12 Good luck!
I’d bet a fair amount that after your sister will end up having fewer restrictions than you have now. The oldest is usually the one who tests the rules.
“I’d bet a fair amount that after your sister will end up having fewer restrictions than you have now. The oldest is usually the one who tests the rules.”
Could be but certain cultures are even more strict with daughters than sons.
OP there are two types of parents here in your scenario. One is first generation immigrants here (your parents) and you are the first generation to study here. In your girlfriends case her grandparents were probably first generation immigrants and her parents were raised and educated in this country. Both sets of parents grew up in different environments. I can understand her parents being more relaxed about you guys dating since her parents are brought up in this country.
For your parents this is a new experience for them. They only know how they were raised back home. They struggle with how to live in this country but maintain cultural traditions based on their upbringing back home. For you it is a challenge because at home you are exposed to a traditional culture but you have to live in a society of western traditions and values.
Being a junior or senior in high school is a very stressful time for students because there is so much focus on doing well to get into college. You also have standardized tests, ec’s, college applications, and college visits. There is just a lot going on and your parents must know how competitive it has become to get into college these days. Their concern is probably that this is the time for you to focus on doing what it takes to get into a good school because once you get into a college of your choice then more opportunities will become available to you. This is also a time to apply for scholarships so you have a full plate. (in their opinion) Their cause for concern is that by being involved in a relationship your focus will shift away from your academic goals. Also relationships have ups and downs so if you are upset or depressed that is going to effect your ability to focus on your academics. They feel at your age your priority should be preparing to get into a good college so that you can establish your career and that nothing should divert your attention from that. They see having a girlfriend as a distraction. At the same time think about it you may no longer see each other once you both go on different paths so they feel why are you emotionally invested in this. (college) They see this relationship as not something to get serious about as this is not the time for you to settle down in life. For them just dating for the sake of dating doesn’t make sense since they were brought up that you get to know someone when you have made a career for yourself and are ready to settle down. The other issue they are probably worried about is you getting intimate with someone so soon. (according to them) In their view this is not the right stage of your life to be focused on having a girlfriend. The more you rebel the harder they are going to push you and become stricter with you. You said they already took away your phone and are telling you not to join some activity that she too is involved in.
Right now you live with your parents and they are responsible for you. You are still a minor and I am sure you are expecting them to financially support you so that you can attend college. I would suggest just being friends for now and go out in groups. When you are in college you will be free to date as you please. Be open with them and don’t try to do things behind their back otherwise they won’t trust you or have any faith in you.
I know you think you are smart, driven, and focused but realize that there are many students like you applying to colleges too. Lots of indian students have parents behind them telling them night and day to focus on their academics. There are still many parents that are not ready to accept dating, drinking, drugs, and hookup culture. It is very clear your parents would not want you involved as a high school student in any of those things for fear that you may get into some kind of trouble that would compromise your future. Also traditional indian immigrants are very society or community conscious. They wouldn’t want the word out about your personal life. For them their family reputation means everything.
I don’t know if you are involved in cultural activities or have had chances to visit your parents home country but that would help you to understand their way of thinking and mentality. I know it is a challenge for you trying to meet their expectations while trying to take care of your own happiness and have the typical high school experience. Just understand your parents aren’t your enemy. They want good things for you in your future and want you fully invested in that. I don’t know if your parents had an arranged marriage. If they did then they were brought up with a very conservative upbringing so they are not familiar or comfortable with the concept of dating so young. It could have been that their decision to marry was a decision made by their elder relatives and they had very little part in that decision.
Parents who have been raised in this country have experienced what you are going through so they are more relaxed in their parenting style. They have adopted a combination of eastern and western values and take the best of both cultures and use that knowledge to raise their own kids. They are more open minded because they know what it is like not to fit in or miss out on things that all your friends are participating in due to having strict parents.
Just try to understand their point of view and keep the lines of communication open with them. Your relationship with your parents is more important than someone you just met a few months ago. They are just trying to protect you. As a son you don’t have it too bad. Parents are usually much stricter with their daughters even to the point of not letting them go away to college. I had a friend whose parents withdrew her from college in her sophomore year when they found out she had a boyfriend. After fall semester she went to India and got married. She never came back for her spring semester.
@google12 Age 17 for our boys. Dating can be a huge time commitment. And we also don’t get them cell phones until high school.
I would unfortunately back off with the girl since you are a minor. Not allowing Science Olympiad seemed extreme. That is an important EC.
Can you have a conversation about expectations with your parents? Do they have a certain age in which you can date? Do they expect to arrange a marriage? Was it an objection to this particular girl?
If it was me I’d talk to my parents and see if they want an arranged marriage. If they do… I might start cutting myself off from them when I turn 18.
The whole arranged-marriage thing is a spectrum, not a yes/no. Even in the most conservative (educated) circles in India, “arranged marriage” is more like arranged, very focused dating, where instead of OK Cupid or Jdate you have a network of parents. I think it’s been a few generations since people got told whom they were going to marry, without meeting the prospective spouse or being asked their opinion. Parents can say no, usually, but they can’t give a definitive yes. And I believe that even in India they know there’s a big risk to saying no if your child has already effectively said yes.
If you had asked my daughter-in-law’s parents ten years ago if they expected to arrange a marriage for her, I’m sure they would have said, “Of course not, she’s an American.” On the other hand, until she told them she was getting involved with my son, I don’t think it ever occurred to them that she might pick someone of whom they didn’t approve (a category that would have originally included everyone in the world except for Hindu men of the right class, educational level, temperament, and caste).
Of course they did ultimately approve of him, however reluctantly, and however skillfully she played them, before he married her. She and her parents slowly hammered out an agreement by trial and error: she would be dutiful, respectful, committed to their religion, she would honor them, and she would get exactly what she wanted. I doubt she could have worked out that deal at 16 or 17, although she certainly practiced the skills she needed then. At 25 or 26, no longer living at home, at the brink of self-sufficiency, she had an awful lot of leverage.
I just saw a Facebook post today from a young Indian man I know (now about 30), who went back to India from the US 5 years ago to marry a woman he had talked to twice via Skype, but had never met in person. I was invited to their wedding in India, but sadly could not go (the invite itself was lovely). He and his wife now have two kids. He looks happy (and has gained weight, I noticed today in the photo). 
But it definitely does still happen that marriages are arranged with minimal input from the parties. I suppose he could have vetoed it. The woman had a business graduate degree from the a prestigious university in Europe and was working in London, and had to stop working when she moved to the US (her visa wouldn’t allow her to work). He moved to another state shortly after the wedding, so I never actually met her. When I see their family posts on FB, I sometimes wonder if she is happy where she ended up. She might be, but she gave up a lot and they barely knew each other.
This thread reminds my of Divya on Royal Pains. Miss that show.
@intparent It still happens but over here I’ve seen most of the new generation finding someone on their own after dating them. You have a mix of first and 2nd generation parents here now. About 50% of the weddings taking place here are multicultural weddings. The other half much more traditional where they find potential partners with their parents help. Those who come here as international students may go back and find someone in their hometown.
Anyway OP needs to have open communication with his parents but I think the focus for now will be on academics.
2 informative and humorous movies to see on the subject of Indian/American dating/marriage and families:
Meet the Patels, a documentary and the better of the two IMO
and
The Big Sick, Rom Com that came out this year based on the comedian’s own life story about meeting and marrying his wife. He’s Pakistani not Indian.
I’m a current hs senior. I had my first girlfriend in middle school. It was a complete disaster, but I never made the same mistakes again. I started dating my current girlfriend at the beginning of high school.
The only way to truly learn is by experience. To deny that is to deny basic evolutionary facts.
I was dating when I was 16, in HS. My siblings started dating at varying ages. Depends on the individuals involved. If the family/culture has restrictions, folks have to figure out how to make things work.