<p>My parents sorta said “we’ll give you a year past graduation”, with rules. We can live at home after college grad (UG) as long as we either have a job or making a darn good effort to find one. My older sister (first kid) found a summer tech camp counselor job, then found a temp job after returning home and searching for a month or two, then got full-time hired that December. She didn’t get along with my parents so she moved out in January and hasn’t looked back. I have an engineering job starting in a month so I’ve been working 32-40 hours a week at a somewhat summery-interny job (takes no brain cells to do the work, being paid $20/hr, and while I usually work FT, I can take off whenever, no problem, to hit the beach or stay home with the younger bro). I wanted to move out end of summer or right after I started my job; after seeing the massive amount of money I’ve pulled in just this summer and what I’d bring in the first couple of months of work with nothing more than a car payment and entertainment to pay for, I’ve decided to shoot for December. By then, I’ll have made basically a year’s worth of car payments/insurance/gas, or almost a year’s worth of rent. HUZZAH! On another note, my parents have said they’ll never cut us off financially until they think we’re ready. They paid for my IS tuition and most of older sister’s ridiculous OOS tuition, have supported us with food/gas money, etc. Entertainment, books, trips, etc have been on us. </p>
<p>Some parents say that all of the above is ridiculous, at age 22 you’re on your own. Those parents generally say tuition money is not their responsibility. But my parents feel that since they brought us into this world, they need to be emotionally/physically/financially able to help us. They wanted us to focus on school, not a job to pay for tuition. They want us to focus on getting a great job that will stretch our minds and make us productive members of society, not work three jobs to make rent. In this economy, it’s dumb for parents to force their kids out in the world if they can’t make it quite yet. I got lucky with an engineering major, but I’d say 50% of my friends don’t have jobs, and I would be petrified if I couldn’t live at home despite not being able to find a job. Am I spoiled? Maybe. But my parents have made me into a self-sufficient person that is financially responsible…while I could support myself fully right now, I’m making a choice to live at home and have less freedom in exchange for building myself a better financial future.</p>
<p>Based on the assumption that all involved are considered “normal” and are healthy, I’d say no more than just a few months after college, is what is right for our family.
If my S were to marry then divorce, I’d still expect him to remain a self-supporting adult. If we were supporting a healthy college grad of 25 or so, we’d view that as us not teaching self sufficiency as well as we should have when child was growing up. And yes, our S sees it that way too. We all get along but he strives for and takes pride in his own independence. We both would feel awkward if a 25 yr old man was living in our home free or nearly free like he did when he was 6. Our feelings there are a bit different than shoebox(post 21 paragraph 2). We don’t feel since we brought them into the world, we must be willing/able to do it all for them. We feel a parents’ job is to raise a child that can be a happy healthy self supporting adult, and productive member of society; and that continual support shoud neither be expected nor needed.
That is not to say we’d never give time, money or advice ever again. Gee, I’m 50 and every once in a while my mom gives me a twenty, just to be nice. Her mom did that for her too, when my grandma was 80 and mom was 60.
But giving a few bucks as a gift, or some more to help out one in a pinch is far different than supporting an adult.
I would not force my opinion on others, but that is what works for us, given the caveats above.</p>
<p>I am a fan of multi-generational living provided that the set up allows for privacy. Think how much easier life would be for both the parent and child with reduced housing costs and if the grandparent wanted to provide child care the reduced cost to the parents. I readily admit it could not work for everyone but if the situation exists where it could work why not.</p>
<p>If everyone gets along well, it is one matter. Sometimes they don’t, and if you have younger children, try to watch how it affects them. </p>
<p>My many years older brother stayed in my parents house long after I was gone and graduated from college (he lived with them for over 3 decades). Having a man that much older in the house with his particular personality was terrible for me a a teenage girl. I had my parents and their rules, and I also had his overbearing angry personality. My Dad wanted him out, but did not have the nerve to go against my mom. Once I left for college I tried to be away summers and vacations if I could, since it was so awful. I will also add that he never paid rent or contributed much to the household in terms of labor either. It was not helpful to my younger sister either, and probably hurt her as well. Not everyone is as extreme as he is, so I guess it is not that common to have such a problem. FWIW.</p>
<p>aothermom- but that is not an issue of multi-generational living that is an issue with living with a person with an overbearing angry personality. Living in a situation like that has nothing to do with whether or not most inter-generational housing situations could work.</p>
<p>I’m not sure how it will work out for my kids (my oldest will be starting as a freshman next month) but I had a great situation. I graduated in '85 from a state university so had no debt. I had a job right out of college and cashed in savings bonds to help me get started with my own apartment. This was the first time I’d even had my own bedroom. About a year later I moved in with a girlfriend to a nicer apartment and 2 years after that got married. I still sometimes miss that short time i my life when I had my very own place.</p>
<p>One day, when all my children were in elementary school I saw a woman picking up at the kindergarten gate. She was, despite the gains in fertility, definitely too mature to be the mom. </p>
<p>After awhile we started talking. Yes, it was her granddaughter. Yes, the three grandchildren and her son lived with them. The wife, it seemed tired of being a wife and mom and left. Her son, a professional, lived with her for many reasons. He paid for a full time live in housekeeper to assist them. Other than that I have no other knowledge of the finances involved.</p>
<p>I loved the son’s reasoning behind moving home. He wanted the best mothering experience for his children. And his mother was, in the son’s estimation, the best mom there was.</p>
<p>There is a huge difference between kids living at home because there is a mutual need for them to be there or it is a cultural tradition and kids who live at home because they cannot consider other options. We hope that our kids leave college and make their own lives. We are healthy but “older” and are looking forward to not having kids in the house. We would not like to have 23, 24, 25 year old adults or any other adults living in our house. Who knows what will happen in a year or two years as we still have a very old parent or two or three in the picture as well as the adult kids, but the boundaries have been communicated and the exceptions noted and hopefully are understood.</p>
<p>There are three or four mother/daughter or in law suites set ups in my neighborhood- completely separate entrance but you can access the main home from these set ups. Two of them are now vacant because the elderly parent passed away. I can see the children from those homes returning to live in the in law suite rather than paying rent at an apartment. In one of the situations the parent has had a severe financial set back and if his kid lived in the suite and paid him rent it would benefit both.</p>
<p>When S graduates and if he gets a job in the area, he would be welcome home as long as he was responsible and contributing toward the household. It would be a good chance for him to save some money and pay off loans.</p>
<p>I can’t really see him wanting to do it long term though. He is already chafing at restrictions. We don’t let him have bunches of his friends over as he’d like, there isn’t room in the house and we value our quiet down time. Also, down the road, we would not permit him to have girls sleep over, (not an issue yet 
.)</p>
<p>I like multi-generational living situations, personally. However, I have ridiculously independent kids and the oldest, who just finished her freshman year, has no intention of returning to live where we live…ever again. She’d always be welcome. She knows this. She says, “Mom, you can always come live with me if you want. But, I’m not going to live in my old bedroom.”</p>
<p>The youngest is more likely to return, if only for my cooking. ;)</p>
<p>It depends on the circumstances. I live outside of NYC, and the rents are horrorific here. My oldest son has a car, a girlfriend, a social life and his job can’t support those things and an apartment as well. He had some opportunities to rent a room, but the problem was the car. My second one who has no car, has a room in an apt in NYC and is barely making it. S3 is thinking med school, grad school, and if he goes locally, commuting would make sense. S4 is seriously considering commuting to college rather than living there. </p>
<p>My oldest did have an apartment when he lived out of area where the rents were affordable, but around here, it is too tight of a squeeze for him. We have a large house which is a liability most of the time because of the expense, but it has provided a haven for my kids and the grandmothers who are now living here. Son is rarely home, however, spending a lot of time at his brother’s or friend’s apartment. If the right thing for the right price pops up, he’ll move. He’s not thrilled living here, and it did take an adjustment period. He had to learn that there are certain courtesies that you have to observe when living back at home. Not because of a control issue, but just as a courtesy. You can’t just not tell parents you are not coming home for a few days, or they just might call the police and go into panic mode, searching for you. H and I are bound by the same rules.</p>
<p>Could work in our house for a short term thing.
Grad school son plans to return ‘home’ to NJ but not necessarily back into our home.
He will be 25 then and enjoys his freedom. But he (and we) could probably make it work for a while until he gets situated in our very expensive to live in state.</p>
<p>Ideally, he’d LOVE to be in NYC…how very expensive is that?</p>
<p>Poetgirl,</p>
<p>Your oldest sounds just like my D, who will graduate from college next May.</p>
<p>To me, it is a matter of when my D’s can be self supporting. Until then, they are welcome to live at home. This is assuming they are working and their goal is to be make the money to leave when they can afford it.</p>
<p>We live on Long Island, and D’s goal would be to live in Manhattan (or maybe Brooklyn.) It is very hard to do this on a starting salary and still live in a safe area. I would rather they live at home until their salary goes up and they can live in a secure neighborhood. </p>
<p>Many of our friends “help” out each month so that their children can live in safe,doorman buildings, or the parents buy the apartments for them out right and charge the children back a negligible rent.</p>
<p>Even if I couild afford this, I would rather have children be self-supporting once they leave.</p>
<p>I would rather have my kids be self supporting. That is the whole point of raising them. If I could afford to supplement or buy an apartment outright, I might have done so. Just not an option for most of us. </p>
<p>It has always been a problem for parents that some kids suffer misfortunes that bring them home to live. Sometimes with spouse and kids and lots of problems. It makes for some very difficult situations and decisions. It’s one thing if everyone welcomes this move, but it often is not the case.</p>
<p>My cousin moved his family into his parents’ home for about a year while he and his wife saved every cent they could to buy a house. Without the childcare help, supplementary food, and free rent, no utility payments, it is unlikely they would be homeowners today. They just did not make enough money to save enough for down payment and closing costs, though there were houses out there where the mortgage was affordable and even lower than rental payments. There are many reasons for adult children to move back to the home. It is a blessing to be able to offer loved ones a sanctuary and haven.</p>
<p>Many families in US would not be able to meet their needs without two adults working, so I dont expect my kids to be able to pay rent-etc, without having a roommate.</p>
<p>Whenever they can support thmeselves financially. If it is 15, why not? If it is 30, then what can you do about it, kick them out? I would not kick my child out, others might have different opinion.</p>
<p>Well Dap, at 15 a parent has a legal obligation to support their kid until 18. No legal requirement after that. Also, at 15 it is unlikely most kids would have enough life lessons taught by parent and by life, to be able to support themself(even overlooking income). After college, which is the primary age group we are talking about, a parent should have taught them about independence, and that combined with life experiences during college should prepare them far better than most 15 yr olds. Personally. I’d expect far more of a college grad than I would a 15 yr old.
As others have made clear, meeting needs, and meeting desires aren’t always in sync. I’ve known college grads that stayed with parents until the dream job came up, in the dream city, thereby meeting needs and wants. I’d expect different from my college grad.
Crap, I don’t have my dream job now, but I support myself and do what I can do.</p>
<p>I did not mean that child is left to his devices at 15. There are people (could be parents who are on child’s property) that could look after child if he decided to move out becasue somehow misteriously child made some millinons by 15 (which I am sure has happened in history). In addition, there are those who graduate from college at 15. These have been living on their own, how you can make them to move back if they are financially independent somehow. I do not know all legal terms of these situations.</p>