Not all of us have extended family that are willing &/or able to throw showers. I see absolutely nothing wrong with a mother throwing her child’s shower. Call me tacky but I can’t think of anyone else who would throw me one. My sisters-in-law would be the closest but one is absolutely flat broke and the other has her own infant to work around. My best friends are still in school and currently living in my house to make ends meet.
For the OP, send a book or nothing at all. She sounds rude and inconsiderate- not something you need to tolerate!
Showers can be thrown by anyone and I think the “rules” very relaxed. My sis got me to throw bridal and baby showers for her Ds, all of whom I’m fond of. My other family members helped and the girls were all grateful. There was no entitlement attitude.
In my mother’s day, baby showers were all surprise and, at least in her case, just days before or after the birth. She wouldn’t set up a crib until the baby was coming home.
For me, my BFF wanted to host a shower and so did a friend from work. I couldn’t handle two showers so they joined forces.My daughter was very premature so we’d received many gifts pre-shower. It wasn’t really a shower but a downpour, which is what you get when your friends are all between 35-40, have had their kids long ago but don’t have grandchildren yet. People LOVE buying little girl dresses. My daughter was tiny so she got enough clothes to last for 2 years, all under size 12 months.
When my second child came, it was through adoption and she was actually bigger than my first child so she did need clothes, and since they were about the same age, we really needed two of everything - chairs, bikes, toys, boots, coats. I did not have a second shower. When she’d been home about 6 months, we had a birthday party and christening party together.
@romanigypsyeyes, coworkers, neighbors, your husband’s co-workers, friends, relatives can all host. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just a cookout or potluck, the kind of get togethers you do now. It’s supposed to be fun, not a chore or a financial burden. If you have it after the baby is born, it can be a ‘meet the baby’ party.
I have a neighbor (my age) who loves holding showers for the young women in our neighborhood who all seem to be having babies! They are very low key - tea and cake, fruit and perhaps some wine for those allowed to imbibe. I generally give my favorite books. They are all still in print, but not quite as well known as Goodnight Moon, Pat the Bunny and The Hungry Caterpillar so I don’t worry that they’ll have the books already. I think even if you despise the parents, kids deserve good books.
People usually don’t have full blown showers except for the first child. However, it’s common in some circles for people to host a “sprinkle,” for a second (or subsequent) child of the opposite sex. So, @oldfort even today it would be unusual for someone with 2 daughters to have 2 showers.
At a “sprinkle” gifts are usually limited to clothing or other single-sex gifts.
And j/k @romanigypsyeyes , because I know how you feel about your in-laws and the Catholic faith, but one way around the “rule” is to hold your own party when a child is baptized, which most people find completely acceptable.
Where I grew up, the rule was that no family members hosted showers. Probably it says that in ancient etiquette books. That rule doesn’t seem to exist any longer. As far as I know, it acceptable for adults to host their own birthday parties and showers these days. It is certainly increasingly common.
Romani, my advice: if you are worried about it when the time comes… plan your own shower, but ask a close friend if you can put their name on the invitations as host.
Given the circumstances you describe, I wouldn’t attend either. I say politely decline (“So sorry we won’t be able to make it!”) and send a book and a card after the baby is born.
I would pass. People who are “entitled” are a pet peeve of mine. This become particularly apparent at weddings and showers. They just cannot hold themselves back from demanding to get what they want in the ways they want. We have already seen this in a younger family member. Feeding into it, is not a solution. Additionally, gifts for the first baby are enough. If the couple has given in the past they will be showered with gifts. We had gifts literally piled on our porch. Because we had given everyone a beautiful gift over the years and we got it back in kind.