I’ve been invited to another baby shower.
The soon-to-be-mother has two other children (one boy/ one girl).
She is giving the shower to herself.
I overheard that we are being invited because, with me and my 2 daughters, that’s 3 presents.
Do I go? (Nephew’s wife)
Does it matter?
How old are your daughters? If they are still in school then I think one generous gift from the three of you is fine. If you don’t want to go or feel you are being invited just for gifts then you can graciously decline.
Go if you want to celebrate a new baby. Don’t go if you don’t want to go.
It’s absolutely fine to decline for any reason IMO. An invitation is not a summons. Throwing your own shower is just rude, especially for baby #3. She could have had a get together or celebration without registering for gifts or calling it a shower.
I enjoy seeing my relatives at a shower, because we don’t get together that often. So if you think it would be enjoyable, so ahead and go. I’ve heard showers for the nth kid referred to as a “sprinkle” rather than a shower because the parents already have alot of stuff and only small gifts are expected.
Daughters: one is mid-twenties, one is late twenties.
I don’t know if I want to go since, at the last shower, she took an “inventory”. This is not a nice person.
Some of the elderly women, who made items, or didn’t go according to the registries, were taken aback by some not-so-nice “comments”.
You’re not supposed to throw your own shower, baby or bridal. The entire purpose of a shower is to shower the person of honor with gifts. Throwing one for yourself is just crass.
Strictly speaking, showers for first babies only, but I can imagine there are still things needed or that would be nice to have for subsequent babies, so I’m not quite as judgmental about that.
If your daughters are children or very young adults living in your house and thus it’s only your money being spent, one gift from the three of you seems sufficient, maybe spend slightly more than you’d spend if it were you alone. Of your daughters are independent adults, they can make their own decisions about whether to go and how much to spend.
Go if you like the nephew’s wife and genuinely want to celebrate with her or there will be people there it will be nice to see. Otherwise, make a polite and socially acceptable excuse about why you can’t be there. If you feel like it or it would be good for family peace, send a small gift.
Sounds like you don’t want to go. Don’t go.
Based on what you’ve described OP, I would not go. Send a gift after the baby is born.
Third child and a mom who openly critiques the gifts she gets at a baby shower? I’d politely decline.
I was over the moon and very surprised when my friends threw me a shower for my second child. Context btw being it was 8 years after my first, we had some years before given all our baby stuff away not expecting to have a second. I don’t personally know anyone (other than me haha ) who’s had a shower after the first baby.
In my grandparents’ generation the senior relatives collectively nipped this type of behavior in the bud. Where are the senior relatives of your family? Has your sibling or anyone else spoken to her about her attitude?
I always tell my children that being related is no excuse to allow people to treat you badly. If you weren’t related, would you accept that behavior? If not, I’d encourage your daughters not to attend. I’d attend, though, to run interference for older relatives and friends. I’d get a couple children’s books for the baby (because I think all children should have some books that are totally their own) and, given what you’ve said about the mom, a box of thank you cards and stamps for the parents.
Sounds to me that you feel that the shower is just an exercise in collecting gifts listed on a registry and you don’t enjoy the company – if that is the case it is fine for you and your D’s to decline the invitation and send a gift when the child is born.
I don’t think it is Aunt Bea’s place to try to teach the nephew/wife manners. She’s been invited to a party, and she either goes or doesn’t. If she goes, she brings an appropriate (and she gets to decide what is appropriate) gift.
Traditions evolve. While it was once the rule that baby showers were thrown by relatives or friends, it was also the ‘rule’ that they were women only, and now it is not at all unusual for them to be co-ed, or organized around a football game. I hosted one for a co-worker that was co-ed because we wanted all the people we worked with included, and it was really fun. At another office I worked in, we gave a lunch time shower for a dad, and I don’t remember if his wife was even invited.
I kind of feel sorry for the niece who has to host her own shower. Maybe she has no sisters or friends to host a shower for her.
No one has to host their own shower. I didn’t have a shower for either of my kids. My first baby was extremely high risk and I wasn’t comfortable having it while I was pregnant. My SIL offered but I said I’d prefer to wait until after baby was born. My SIL didn’t think that was “proper” so she dropped it. Whatever. I still got 40+ gifts for each baby I had.
Having a party not called a “shower” would have been perfectly acceptable had this mom wanted to celebrate this 3rd baby in some way. Good chance a number of people still would have brought a gift anyway or gifted the baby after he/she was born. Having a shower of any kind is not a birth right. It will always be rude to throw a party for yourself where you are basically instructing your guests to buy you a gift.
I had a co-ed, non-traditional wedding shower and that was great. Traditions do evolve. But manners should still be applied.
Thanks for all of the viewpoints. It helps to see the opinions.
She’s having another boy. Last child was a boy-18 months.
(After the comments to the elder guests, last time, my Mom spoke up and said (I’m paraphrasing): “Young lady, we old people don’t use the internet and we take a lot of time and thought into making special gifts. We have a lot of experience with children, and maybe after you’ve spoken to your mother, she can teach you to appreciate the gifts you have received”.
I’m torn because I feel sorry for the children. Nephew’s wife has a large family, but I can never tell who is on her good side.
@austinmshauri, I always give this family books for their children because this does not seem to be a priority.
The last time she appeared as though she didn’t like that I gave her the Hungry Caterpillar book. She commented: “Oh a bug book” with, what I perceived to be a snarky expression. At the time, the Gymboree stores had really cute matching ensembles-overalls, shirts, sweaters, socks with fruits, and the book’s stuffed characters, activities, etc. I spent a good amount of money.
She didn’t recognize the patterns from the book but the other ladies present, did. After several ladies made comments about the caterpillar gifts, she seemed okay. Plus my sister (her mother in law) said that people always comment on the outfits (ex: what a cute hungry caterpillar sweater!)
I will send a book. No matching outfits this time.
Both of my daughters have said “not going”.
Sounds like you should skip it - for your sake and hers.
What would the point of attending be? You and your D’s don’t want to attend, you don’t sound fond of her, she’s insulted your prior present, hmmm isn’t that enough reasons?
I’d say send a card and then a baby gift when baby arrives and call it good.
I like your idea of just sending a book.
Based on everything you have written, I’d definitely skip this event. Pick one book that you like (and definitely ignore her registry) and that is plenty. Sadly, this young lady has a lot to learn. I would feel sad for her children also.
My S and DIL are expecting for the first time. Would it be ok for me to host a baby shower? I have always been of the understanding that family, especially immediate family, should not host showers.
I know a young lady who recently had her fourth child, finally a boy after three girls. I believe she had a shower since she only had girl stuff.
I threw showers for both of my nieces for each of their kids. One had one and one has two kids. It was family only.