What are your opinions on very large families?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I enjoy doing genealogy, and have plenty of folks on the tree with more than a dozen (none nearing 28 though), and plenty with none. I personally feel sorry for the ones with none, although I realize that for many, that is their preference. I guess I would just be happiest if everybody gets what they want. It’s so bizarre sometimes how families keep reproducing when they can’t take care of what they’ve got, where another couple is devastated every month to learn that they still aren’t pregnant. </p>

<p>I would love to have had more kids - we just felt we reached our limit at 3 in terms of what we could do a good job with, emotionally and financially. However, we did care for 25 foster kids, so we have had some experience with larger families. It was extremely difficult for me to care for so many at a quality I felt was fair to each of them. Foster kids often come in needing 24/7 attention, and that doesn’t leave much of me to go around for the rest.</p>

<p>We have friends with 10 kids, and they are the nicest kids anybody could hope for, and extremely close knit. My D loved (they’re in Germany) to spend time with them, because they are so good at having fun. The whole family sits around a large round table for dinner, with a lazy susan in the middle. Before dinner, they sing. After dinner, they play games. In winter, the whole family - parents, too - go sledding or skating. </p>

<p>I was one of 4 (5, but one died); my best friend was an only. We spent most of high school envying each other. I’m glad there’s no rules - different is good.</p>

<p>[Edit: wish to clarify - we never had more than 3 foster kids at a time!]</p>

22

<p>I know a family with sixteen children who are perfectly normal.</p>

<p>The Duggars on the other hand strike me as kind of strange. It appears to me that they have chosen to turn the size of their family into a revenue generating spectacle through television appearances. Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.</p>

23

<p>I am the oldest of 10 children, and I echo cheers’ comments about the lack of parental attention. I love my parents dearly, and they did their best, but I have to say that they were not good parents by today’s standards. One issue in our family was that my father was an alcoholic and my mother probably was, too. They also did not choose to have such a large family, in my opinion. They were Irish Catholic and did not believe that it was right to use birth control. My mother also had 4 miscarriages, so she seemed to me constantly pregnant. But I’m sure that things are different for those of you who have chosen to have large families, rather than have them by default. I can tell from your posts here that you are involved and loving parents. My parents really had no idea what was going on with us.</p>

<p>My father came from a family of 11 children. His mother died at age 35. My mother was one of 8 children, and I have over 100 first cousins.</p>

<p>I love all my siblings dearly (one has died). They are wonderful people. We have a big family reunion every two years, and these are the best times, especially for my boys.</p>

<p>I am very sorry that you have lost a child, Atomom. I can’t imagine anything worse. You make a very good point about environmental impact.</p>

24

<p>My friends, who have large families, have lovely well behaved children. They love their kids, and take very good care of them. That’s what I feel is important. </p>

<p>I also think many of us are wasteful, and there’s a lot of room for improvement, regardless of the number of kids we have.</p>

25

<p>The 28 is an amazing story - what kind of health would you have left???
For a long time, I had understood the story to be that the first wife had died with the children in the hurricane (Dad was inland in Texas working, when the storm came), but my FIL corrected me recently, his grandmother survived because her long hair got tangled in a tree, and helped her to hold on. She then went on to have the rest of the family.
They have an amazing family history book, really the history of the community, because everyone is related to each other (with 14 kids how could they not be!). Most of the dramatic stuff centers around hurricanes during the 1890s to 1910s, roughly the time period of the famous Galveston storm. My DH’s grandmother survived another storm as a little child by being staked out in a boat (a large dinghy, sort of) - they would put the kids in the boat as the water started rising, stake it out with a long, stout chain or rope and cover the boat with a tarpulin, then leave them, perhaps with an older sibling - can you just imagine???</p>

26

<p>I agree with everyone else who has said that they applaud any parent taking good care of any number, and frown on any parent doing an inadequate job with any number.</p>

<p>There’s just one exception to this pattern in my mind, though – good foster and adoptive parents deserve extra kudos in my book. And if you adopt hard-to-place kids, that puts you in the stratosphere of my admiration.</p>

27

<p>Most families in our neighborhood had 6-12 kids (one 21 kid family included 2 or 3 sets of twins…but family happened to be well-to-do, so had lots of paid help.) I agree that back in the day, most of these big families had issues with lack of parental attention, mine included. One big issue was always time…so much housework was more time-consuming back then, though. Today’s kitchen appliances, washing machines/dryers, better floor cleaning machines, dishwashers, wrinkle-free fabrics (and much more casual dress everywhere-as a kid, everything except “play clothes” had to be ironed.) Today’s parents of many kids may have more time available to devote to kids than in the “good old days.” Agree that it’s nice to have multi-generations available…I always thought the kids who had grandparents living with them were so lucky (course, I probably would have hated my mom or mother-in-law living with us when our kids were young, so maybe friends’ moms hated it too back then. It looked handy to other kids, though, since grandma was always around to spoil them.)</p>

28

<p>I’m the oldest of eight – and I have to echo the responses of others who grew up in big families.</p>

<p>As an adult, I like being from a big family – the noisy gatherings, the chain phone calls, the bonds of shared experiences.</p>

<p>But ask any one of my siblings if Mom and Dad should have had so many children and the answer is a resounding “no.” My parents did a good job, but there simply was too many of us. When my mom talks about the child rearing years, there is this golden haze about them. But when the brothers and sister talk about the years, the theme is our parents didn’t know us as individuals. They were too busy with the needs of the group to attend to a singular child’s fears or goals.</p>

<p>All eight of us grew up to have small families. What I see in those families are intimate parent - child relationships. And I think the decisions to have smaller families were a direct result of cravings to have more time, attention, and guidence from our parents.</p>

<p>Would I give up any one of my brothers or sisters for a youth with more attentive parents? Of course not. But is the big family model what I want for my own children - not a chance.</p>

29

<p>I’m sorry to hear that many people had unhappy large family childhoods. I grew up in a family of 7 kids. We were far from the Brady Bunch (no Alice) and had a severely handicapped brother, but there was something about the large family culture–the noise, mess, commotion, comraderie, and even the bickering and teasing that was so lively and comforting that I chose (along with H, of course) to repeat it. Only 4 of the 7 of us have our own families (2 single, one has stepchildren). Three of us have large families, and the other wanted a large family, but his wife wanted no more than two. Those two are very pampered kids. They are nice kids, but it seems that the big family cousins are much more easygoing–not so particular and sensitive about everything. My brother’s kids seem to be the victims of too much parental attention.</p>

<p>We never had much individual attention from our parents, but we didn’t mind because we had each other and we didn’t expect to have that kind of close relationship with our parents–it wouldn’t seem normal. Part of it was the era–where kids played unsupervised and parents who grew up in the 40s/50s had no clue what the kids of the 60s/70s were into. I think there was more of a generation gap back then. My mom was very “hands off” with the babies–leaving us in playpens and doing the housework. I let the housework go and hold the babies–which drives Mom crazy. (Good thing she lives far away). Mom was from the “cry it out” generation, and that is one thing that I’ve tried to change. My parents were somewhat cold or distant by today’s standards, but they were very hard-working and responsible and always sacrificed for their kids, so in that way they were great role models.</p>

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<p>is what some relatives called me, and I hated it! Didn’t want to be anyone’s mom then…I ended up with the most kids-4. One brother had 1 kid, 3 brothers all had 2 each. 3 sisters have no children (and doubtful they ever will–no intentions to, anyway and youngest is pushing 40.) They are all teachers, though, which I’ve always thought of as a very parental job, so maybe they fulfill all maternal leanings at work (why didn’t I think of that…get to do a related job without the diapers, teething, endless worries & no college expenses…hmm, maybe little sisters are smarter than I thought.) In thinking hard on it, I only know one child from a very large family (14) who went on to have her own very large family (12)…saw her a couple of years ago at a ball tournament–we graduated from high school together, so same age…I was watching my youngest play…she was watching one of her “middle” kids. At 45, her youngest had just started kindergarten while her oldest had been married several years & produced 2 grandkids already. I thought having 10 years between oldest & youngest was stretching it out too much–she had more than 20 years between them.</p>

31

<p>I come from a big family and have about 30 first cousins. My spouse has smaller family background, but my MIL had a large family & they still get together with many cousins.
It’s the only thing I knew, so I liked it. Lots of love, noise, & laughter…not so much $ or fancy stuff, but all the basics. Always felt that we had plenty of “attention” from M&D…esp. when anyone misbehaved! Learned alot about helping out and working as a team & learning to be unselfish (i.e. there’s only so much food, $, whatever to go around so don’t be a hog…the world does not revolve around you).</p>

<p>A lot of my friends also had big families (6 kids or more), so it wasn’t as unusual. Don’t see it as much these days, but it’s a personal choice, so to each his own!</p>

32

<p>I know that I personally could not give the attention and education to more children than the two that I have. I congratulate those families that can and do, with one exception. I very much object to families like the McCaugheys and their septuplets, where intentional implantation of too many embryos created a situation that inevitably would, and did, create disabilities for several of the children. To me this is selfish and irresponsible behavior. I am infuriated by the media glorification of this family, that in my opinion, acted so recklessly.</p>

33

<p>“intentional implantation of too many embryos”</p>

<p>I think that in that case, it was fertility drugs, not IVF. But the point remains the same.</p>

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<p>the MaCaughey septuplets were conceived with the help with fertility drugs not IVF. The kicker for me though was in that case, was that they were * already parents* of a 1-year old daughter at the time that the fertility drugs were used.</p>

<p>I can’t figure out, why they thought heroic measures to attract and maintain a pregnancy were necessary when they already had a baby to care for?</p>

<p>My own two girls are EIGHT years apart. Yes I would have liked them closer together- but we didn’t want to go through heroic measures to insure that and I didn’t even think of having another child, when my oldest was still in diapers.</p>

<p>Its too bad in this case, their kids have had to pay the price for their parents self centeredness.</p>

35

<p>I stand corrected. I thought I recalled reading that it was IVF, but you are right - it was fertility drugs. Still the same risks and results.</p>

36

<p>I agree with atomon being child number 7 out of 10 I had an amazing time being in a big family. </p>

<p>One of the things that I did miss, is because of the large gap in our ages is I have very few memories of all of us living in the house at the same time. My oldest sister is 16 years older than me. By the time I was 5 she was married and had both of her children (who are older than our youngest brother). It wasn’t until I was about 17 years old that I had a sibling relation ship with my sister because the gap did not seem to be as big. Many 4 of my other brothers and sisters went off to college, moved out, got married during my childhood, so it was amazing to tell people that I had 14 brothers and sisters when I was in the 5th grade.</p>

<p>We were never rich, but we had a nice home, we ate everyday one thing about having parents from the south, they knew how to make a spead. there were a lot of beans, collard greens, vegetables to round out the meals (my mother could make a good large pot of anything-stew, soup, spaghetti, etc. </p>

<p>There was a lot of time spent playing cards, and board games. Our night at the movies was popping popcorn and sitting in the living room watching TV in the dark or having talent shows where we used the broom as the mike. </p>

<p>Maybe it was the times that we were raised in because no one counted robbery to look out for your brothers and sisters, as it was just what families did along with everyone having to be at home before the street lights came on, coming home from school changing clothes, having a snack and doing homework before you even got to go outside (yes, we had school clothes, after school clothes and church clothes). We did not do a lot of visiting at other people’s houses, so my mother allowed our house to be the hang out house so she could know who our friends were.</p>

<p>I don’t ever remember my mom missing a PTA meeting, a parent teacher conference, a school play, trip or sporting event (and it was not easy juggling so many kids). My parents always made time for us, where we could sit down and talk or just be. We even had special outing days where it would just be the parent and the child.</p>

<p>We were “home schooled” before we knew what home schooling was be cause my mother always wanted to be a teacher (she now had a built in classroom). All of us could read, write and do basic arithmetic before we started school (my oldest brother who is left handed has the most beautiful penmanship you have ever seen because my mother taught him how to write). The one staple in our house was the 20 volume world book enclyclopedia with the big 2 volume dictionary (we learned every spelling and vocabulary word in the front green pages of those dictionary). Gosh, I remember the gray spelling books where the words were sectioned off y grade. I know as one of the “younger kids” we definitely benefited from having older siblings, because my mom would would sit everyone down at the dining room table to do home work together.</p>

<p>By the time I was 21, both of my parents had passed and I don’t know where I would have been with out my brothers and sisters. Yes, there were days that they got on my last nerve (because the rank system did prevail) but they have all helped to shape me into the person that I am today. One of my sisters has 8 kids, and they are all so close, and when I see them all interact together, they have so much fun.</p>

<p>I only have one child and sometimes I do think that I did do her a disservice because I did not have other kids (she is the only one with out siblings) because she will never have the experience. Thankfully she and her cousins are tight. But I also know that some of the experiences she’s had she could have only had because she is an only child. My hat goes off to all those who have big families, because every day isn’t cake, but it sure keeps life interesting, fun and theres a lot of love to go around.</p>

37

<p>Here is an example of a couple who definitely should NOT have had a large adopted family!</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.cnn.com/2007/LAW/02/15/caged.parents.ap/index.html[/url]”>http://www.cnn.com/2007/LAW/02/15/caged.parents.ap/index.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

38

<p>I feel sorry for those women; the mothers whose only role is bearing and raising children may as well be rabbits or some other prolific species. No praise from me for those whose lives are spent in such an unintellectually challenging manner. I have sometimes said I went for quality, not quantity… I would not want my world reduced to childrearing as so many generations of women were forced to. No parent can give personal time to many children, no matter how many financial resources they have. The people who purposely have super large families in today’s world have poor family values, going to some church does not give them better values. How can any of the children feel special, even to their own parents? BTW, I support women who end up with a multiple birth pregnancy, especially if it is the choice between no kids and “too many” kids. Sometimes the children have a good life, but what about their mother as a person? I’ll bet those parents won’t encourage their children to think and discuss views contrary to their own, if they even have a chance to be heard. I’ve spent a lot of time rewriting this post, I’m glad I’m not the only one disgusted with certain families… Also pleasantly surprised at the attitudes of some mothers of large families, although I shouldn’t be surprised since they obviously take the time to be involved in this website (want to make a bet the infamous tv humongus family doesn’t see this???).</p>

39

<p>I think that one of the things that we need to keep in mind is that families, good families and good parents come in all shapes and sizes and there is no one size fits all approach.</p>

<p>I an a little perplexed by the statement: </p>

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<p>There are women who only have one child and decide that they this would be their only or at least primary role that takes up their time. Guess what we call them good moms because the have put their family first. Hell I parents who only have one or 2 kids are stay at home parents with a truck load of resources and still do a **** poor job at childrearing and are not necessarily spending more personal time or attendtion to their kids.</p>

<p>I don’t think that someone who has 10 kids is 10 times better at parenting than someone who has one, nor do I think that the person who only has one or 2 kids are necessessarily giving 5 to 10 times as much time, attention and resouces to their children or if they have the ability to do so that it makes them a better parent. it is not “how much” time that you spend with your kids but the “quality” of the time you are spending with them. Just occupying space in the house because you are home doesn’t mean that you are spending time with your kids. all that it does mean that each family is different and it becomes disingenuous to think that there is only one way to be a good parent or to have a good family regardless of how many kids you have.</p>

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<p>Save your sympathy, please. At least in my case, I had the option to chose to make my focus the raising of my family. I absolutely know this is not the route for everyone and I respect and admire those who are able to continue working full-time while raising a family. I tried and just did not feel I was able to do a great job with both my career and my family. So my husband and I chose family.</p>

<p>I was having a discussion with my future d-in-law the other day. She is a new teacher and is finding this a struggle (un-motivated students…un-supportive parents). She mentioned that she realized that she misses college. Not the classwork, but getting GRADES. She has found that she needs that external feedback and the resulting gratification when she has done well. I pointed out that part of being an adult is that you must learn to find that gratification in just knowing you are doing what you are supposed to be doing and doing it well. </p>

<p>I see my adult children now and find great gratification in the fact that they are happy, inspired, productive people. Yes it was difficult at times to feel “rewarded” when they were younger (no promotions offered, no salary increases, etc), but " unintellectually challenging"…nope.</p>