<p>Lovely friend’s husband is gravely ill, unlikely to recover. I don’t know her that well but she has been so kind to our family during our transition to this new place. She told me yesterday and asked that I be discreet. I want to do something and not sure what.</p>
<p>Send a home cooked meal over.</p>
<p>Sorry about your friend, sewhappy. itslfs has a good idea - if you know any mutual friends who also know the situation, there may be a cooking rotation getting underway. Or you can make something and freeze it for days when they don’t have the time, energy, or will to cook. You could also offer to watch after pets, or to accompany her if she needs any help with medical or other arrangements (some tact required obviously).</p>
<p>I think some kind of food for her and her family would be nice. Perhaps something from a specialty bakery or some homemade soup or muffins. You could attach a nice note with it, thanking her for her kindness in welcoming you to the neighborhood and offering to help. Put your email and cell phone and home phone numbers on the note, and maybe she’ll put that somewhere handy. </p>
<p>You’ll have more opportunity to help her as time goes on, if you don’t think her H will survive. My mom’s H just passed away two weeks ago, and some of her friends have been taking her out for lunch, to a movie, shopping, and so on. She’s very grateful for their atttention now.</p>
<p>You could offer to help with some really mundane tasks, maybe ones that H used to do himself: lawn mowing, pool cleaning, etc. Sending a note or card would be appreciated too.</p>
<p>I usually take over some containers of homemade food of a type that can easily be tossed in the freezer and microwaved at will without loss of quality. (Sometimes I take them already frozen.) Tasty and healthful homemade soups such as curried pumpkin, cider butternut squash, or lentil seem to go over well. I’ve also brought hearty comfort foods that freeze and reheat easily, also without loss of quality, such as dal curry or “pot roast for pasta”–aka stracotto–which only require cooking some rice or pasta to make a nice meal. Some vegetables, such as creamed or Moghlai spinach, or a favorite Indian eggplant dish that is first roasted them mashed and sauteed also stand up well to such treatment.</p>
<p>I don’t take anything that can’t be frozen or needs special treatment, or dishes that need to be returned. I usually pack them in those reusable/disposable Gladware containers, in a 3- or 4-cup size that’s good for 1 or 2 people, depending.</p>
<p>The note with contact info suggested by bookiemom is a good idea.</p>
<p>A local young man that played on the same HS team as my DS was in a terrible car accident recently. One friend has organized a cooking rotation, as many people had sent over food and they were overwhelmed by the amount (and also way too much baked ziti.) I think a good idea would be to find out if there is a cooking rotation, otherwise you can send over a gift certificate to a local take-out place so they can pick up dinner at their convenience.</p>
<p>My dearest friend had a stroke last year. We set up a meal rotation using an amazing website mealtrain.com One person volunteers to be the administrator and opens up a calendar of days that meals are needed, then sends email invitations for community members to join. It has a life of its own - friends tell other friends, and so on, so much so that community members who did not even know the family joined the “train” and provided meals. It let’s you note any allergies, food preferences, how many people to provide for, what time of day, where to leave food etc. We left a cooler on their patio and people left meals there, so it was able to be anonymous. People would sign their name to a date on the online calendar, and note what they were bringing. This is another great feature, so that it was not the same thing every night. As the organizer, it made it so easy for me. I was able to check, see if there was a day that wasn’t taken, and then try to make calls for friends to fill the gap, or take care of it myself.</p>
<p>It was incredible, as was the community. Such an amazing outpouring of love and concern. We kept the train going for three months, until which time she was back on her feet a bit, and her family was able to function on their own. If you are not close enough, perhaps find out who her best friend is and tell them to check out the website. Some unfeeling people were a bit appalled that her three teenage children and husband couldn’t get meals together on their own. When a family member is that sick, there is so much else to deal with that shopping and cooking fall way down on the list of things to do. They were resorting to unhealthy take-out, when they even got around to eating. mealtrain.com was fabulous.</p>
<p>We also collected gift certificates to local take-outs and the supermarkets. That is also a good thing, since close friends were often doing the food shopping and it helped lessen the burden of the helpers, as no one ever wanted to ask the family for money. When she was up to cooking herself, but just too exhausted some days, those gift cards were so appreciated.</p>
<p>You don’t mention if she has kids. If so, and they are of an age that need to be entertained, take them off for an afternoon. If there are older kids, but ones that still need some assistance, offer to take them to accomplish any necessary back to school shopping. Sometimes taking care of things that take time can be a help.
Also frozen homemade food with directions for reheating is good.</p>
<p>OP here - thanks, all. I think they have a very large friend and family network here and are well supplied with meals. Also, I’m not the cook that Consolation clearly is! There are kids and I really like the idea of helping out there. Friend holds a full time job plus two kids and her extremely ill husband. What gets me is her amazing fortitude, she projects great strength (at least to me). </p>
<p>Will reach out to others in the community and try to figure out what support is already in place and then figure out something.</p>
<p>Thanks!</p>
<p>Also, cash or gift cards to favorite fast food restaurants or the hospital dining room come in handy.</p>
<p>When helping in similar situations, it was good to have a meal system worked out, as well as other supports in place. Some of us knew the kids, so we could do pick ups, drop offs, babysitting or for the older ones being an after school or camp companion with a snack or meal ready. Also, shoppers or errand runners can be useful. </p>
<p>Sometimes the well spouse had to be somewhere other than the hospital or home bedside, and those of us comfortable with providing that support (who were also a fit for the ill person) could provide that assistance as well. Also, transporting a frail person to the drs. can often best be done with 2 helpers. One drives to the door, the other assists patient directly into and out of appointment. Valet parking can help here also, but it doesn’t exist everywhere and nobody wants to leave a very sick person to park a car. </p>
<p>In my experience, part of the issue is also how hard is to coordinate this “team” when you are so busy. It helped to have different contact people for different things. The meal coordinator/s handled that, the inner circle tended to be there for the family involved. One call or email about a need would be set in motion and between the eligible people it was worked out and the family was told who would be there. The family knows who they are comfortable with and it is important to respect their privacy also. </p>
<p>Websites like caring bridge, etc. can be useful to disseminate needs and info to many at once, but not all are comfortable with this info on line. </p>
<p>Good luck to all. The presence of caring friends can make all the difference here.</p>
<p>Caregivers REALLY need a break.</p>
<p>Even if it is simply to take a walk or get a cup of coffee somewhere.</p>
<p>If this is someone who is a new friend and other, closer people have started a meal plan (by the way, thanks so much for the mealtrain site - I will be using it at some point), I just know that frequent cards, maybe with a gift card to starbucks or something similar is really appreciated. It is the frequency and the duration that can mean a lot over the long haul.</p>
<p>Our community (neighbors & church) uses the Lotsofhelpinghands website to set up meals and other tasks. Even mundane things like getting a kid to/from sports practice can be set up and people can sign up for it. My neighbor had a heart attack in January and we used it for these, plus a rotation of friends to be in the ICU during visiting hours so his wife would not be alone. We did it for another woman with a terminal illness. Unfortunately she passed away a few weeks ago and now the family has asked for people to sign up for cooking lessons for the father & kids.</p>
<p>We received a lot of food when we were dealing with a serious illness, and that was wonderful. But it is also helpful to have non-food basics—the things you run out of, but just don’t have the energy to shop for: paper towels, toilet paper, kleenex, tylenol, etc. Also, if you bring food, think about “pick-up” items in addition to (or in place of) a prepared meal, e.g., a bag of apples, a carton of orange juice, a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, a box of cereal, etc. That kind of thing was helpful to us, especially with young children in the house.</p>