Sorry for both the blunt title and the length of this post. If you’re not interested enough to read through, but still have some suggestions for me, here’s a TL/DR: I probably have a year or so to live. What not-so-obvious details should I be sure to take care of that I may be overlooking?
Now, for the extended version! I have stage 4b cancer that has been in a tenuous remission for about 5 months. A CT scan yesterday revealed new lung mets, so I fear the countdown clock has begun. My situation is complicated by a number of factors, which I’ll briefly describe, if for no other reason than it may help me (or you) remember additional things I need to do while I still can.
I truly appreciate any tidbits anyone here can offer. While I’m a member of many different forums, I’ve always felt the parents here were the friendliest and most helpful. I’ve hesitated to post prior to now. If you’ve been around long enough to remember and still be saddened by the saga of SunriseEast, it felt almost like an imposition to ask everyone to do this again. I can assure you that I’m not nearly the writer or intellect she was, and I don’t want to compete with her legacy here. I would love, however, to capitalize on everyone’s collective knowledge to help me face this down with some semblance of clarity and organization. I can and will consult an attorney for the will, etc. What I’m looking for mostly is the little details
Base Info - My retired husband and I have been married just under 20 years. I am in my mid-40’s - He is much older than me - late 70’s. He also has cancer (melanoma In remission) and heart issues (pacemaker, stents). He has 3 grown children from his first marriage who I’m neither very close to, nor do we see more often than every 3-5 years. I have a 22yr old DS and together we have a 15 yr old DD. My S is commissioning (Army) and graduating in May -he leaves in July for active duty. D is finishing up her freshman year in high school.
I am currently working, but I was on leave for a year and a half during treatment. Everyone in the family is on my health insurance, although husband is eligible for Medicare. Son’s insurance needs will be covered by the army going forward. Daughter will need medical insurance of her own when mine is no longer an option. I do have life insurance through work as well. Husband is covered both under a spousal rider to my policy and a private policy. We owe a minimal amount on our house (50k-ish) with a couple hundred K in equity. We executed a quit-claim deed 15 years ago putting the house in my name. The mortgage is in his name only. My plan is to continue to work until I’m unable. I do have short and long-term disability, as well as ongoing full SS disability.
So, given the above, my overriding concerns are two-fold. 1) provide for everyone financially as best as possible and 2) help everyone navigate the undeniably shitty process of dealing with the premature death of their wife/mother, etc.
As far as #1 goes, there’s not much I can do besides make sure the will, taxes, mortgages, etc, are in order as best as possible. Son is the beneficiary of an IRA account rolled over from a previous employer’s 401k (enough for a sizable down payment on a house or to jumpstart his own retirement savings). Daughter has an equal amount in an UTMA account that will pay for 4 years at the local directional U, or elsewhere with the addition of scholarships or grants. I imagine her EFC will be somewhat low with only one 80 yr old parent on Social Security, so hopefully that won’t be a huge issue. Between life insurance, SS, his IRA and home equity, I’m pretty certain my husband can live out his remaining days in relative comfort. I’m less sure about that if he ends up needing long-term care, etc. but that’s a discussion we’ll have at some point.
So, for #2. The hard part. I try to keep the emotion out of it, but I feel horrible for my son who will not be here, and will have to deal with missing the last year or so of my life, all while establishing his army career, going through training, etc. We have an extraordinarily close relationship, and I lie awake at night trying to think of ways to make this easier on him. We’ve spent a lot of time talking about his first apartment, things he’ll need, teaching him to cook, and just general conversation. I’m sure I can’t cover everything, but would like to touch on most things. I’ve written down the recipes of all his favorite foods, gone through the house and identified things he’d like to have of mine, etc. What other special considerations are there for him, since he will be mostly gone?
I feel equally horrible for my daughter, who will have to negotiate a first boyfriend (unless she gets one soon!), prom, college searches and applications, graduation, etc, without her mom. We have already gone on some college visits, just so she could generally get a feel for different schools (but mostly so I could have a chance to go and so she’d have the memory of my participation, however brief). She, too, has a cookbook of my recipes, and has expressed her desire for certain possessions. We talk about her future and my general hopes and expectations for her. In addition to all of the pitfalls of daily adolescence, she runs the real risk of losing both parents while still a teen, and her brother (they’re the absolute of best friends) will be who-knows-where at the time. I can’t even begin to think how to prepare her for that. We have relatives in town she could live with if that happens while she’s still in high school. Even though she’s mature and responsible for her age and I know she’ll get through it, I can’t help feeling it’s a sad way to start your life.
What things can or should I be doing that I’m not thinking about? I’ve considered writing letters to both kids to be opened at particular milestones in their lives - graduation, weddings, births, etc. Is that really a good idea, or does it add unnecessary sadness to the event?
I’ve written down all the accounts, log-ins, passwords, day-to-day crap I can think of. I find myself “instructing” people a lot in how I do those things that “mom” always does, knowing they’ll be clueless after I’m gone but still need to get things done. I’ve added POD notations to my bank accounts so my husband can access the money (we maintain separate financials). We’re taking a last family vacation in June, probably to the Caribbean. I thoroughly spring cleaned the house and decluttered 15 years of crap over the last few months, so they don’t have to wade through all that. Both the kids and I are atheists (husband is not) so the details of the funeral/service are still up in the air.
But still, I have this hugely inescapable feeling that I’m forgetting important details, and I won’t remember until it’s too late and I’m physically or mentally incapable of taking care of it. I’m not scared of dying. Mostly I’m just indescribably sad that I’m about to put them through this, and that I’m going to miss seeing them turn into the amazing adults I know they’ll become. Any suggestions to make this easier on them would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.