What do I tell my mom?

Parent Cafe
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<p>My D was also kind and concerned about me and her Dad…she knew he would miss her ALOT…and asked what she could do for HIM…I told her just leave him a phone message once in awhile, call him once in a while…it was something so small, and my D didn’t think it was enough, but it was!!! Whenever he got those short simple calls, he would tell me, Hey D called, said its snowing!!! It has nothing to do with being needy or TOO concerned about others, but just not being so self absorbed you don’t think about others</p>

<p>My H felt badly that he couldn’t teach his D how to drive- he was proud she was learning, but felt bad that he didn’t have the patience or would teach her bad habits- both can take place at the same time</p>

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<p>HISGRACE - you will find your way to letting your mom know how you feel and how much you need her. As you said - she has suffered a tremendous loss recently and you may be reading that into your relationship right now. I am sorry for your mom - and yours also - loss - this is a difficult time for her.</p>

<p>The perfect card with the perfect words - your especially - may make all the difference for her right now. You sound like a wonderful and caring person - it will be special for your mom coming from you.</p>

23

<p>Hisgracefillsme: I think I understand your concern: that your mom (having never gone to college) may feel she will not be able to help you any on this new journey of yours (congrats, by the way!!!).</p>

<p>Let me share something of my own experience. I did go to college, but at my own state Uny that is NOT highly ranked. My d is attending a very competitive and selective liberal arts college and planning to go on for her PhD. She is studying a field that is pretty complex and is now doing things that I do not understand. She often calls, though, to “talk through” assignments, papers, issues, and just to get reassurance that she is managing things well. I love that and, though I cannot offer assistance with academic questions (she is WAY beyond where I ever was!), I can listen and reassure her that she is doing well because I KNOW HER! Your mom will be able to do the same for you.</p>

<p>Best to you!!!</p>

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<p>HisGrace: you mentioned that your mother’s side of the family is British. That could be a huge cultural issue - the British “stiff upper lip” and all that. Many Brits tend to keep big emotions in check and don’t show them in public. What you’re interpreting as being “down” or “not enthused” may simply be the British reserve kicking in. (Of course, I don’t know your mother; if she’s usually emotionally effusive, this may be way off base.)</p>

<p>Your mother may never have gone to college, but she does run a home. Ask her to teach you things about living on your own. Do you know how to sew on buttons? Fix a hem? Treat a stain? Not to condescend, many kids do, but some don’t know how to do laundry - how to separate it, how to deal with different fabrics, what detergents/softeners to use? How often to change a bed? What sheet material is best? What’s the thread count and what does it mean? Is your mom handy? Can she show you how to use a screwdriver? how to hang a mirror? Practical stuff that your mom’s been doing for years.</p>

<p>That’s how she can continue to help you. Ask her questions. Show her that you still value her opinion.</p>

<p>And realize that a bit of sadness, knowing that her baby is leaving home, is normal. I have friends whose kids are off at colleges less than an hour away. But the kids live there, so the separation is still real. </p>

<p>When you’re away, keep her informed about little things in your life, not just big ones. It’s those little, day to day details that we miss most.</p>

<p>And congratulations!</p>

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<p>Thanks guys. :slight_smile: I knew I would get some great advice here. </p>

<p>I do realize that it’s normal, especially since I’m the youngest of 3 children. My sister still techincally “lives at home” but she’s never really here, and my brother is much older than me (12 years older to be exact) and moved out a long time ago. Although, he did just bless our family with a new beautiful baby boy!!! :)</p>

<p>Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice. I’ll keep all of it in mind as I continue preparing for this new chapter of my life.</p>

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<p>One thing to remember for the future, when you are on campus: keep in touch and let her know what is going on with your life at school. Otherwise, she might get the idea that you’ve moved on past anything she has to offer you.</p>

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<p>Yes, don’t say this to her, but keep it straight in your own head: your academic accomplishments might cause you to sail past what she knows. Up until now she’s been older-n-wiser than you, but she also might compare herself unfavorably to folks around her in the workplace with college degrees. Now suddenly you’ll be “one of those.” She doesn’t want you to condescend to her as some around her might have done so, in the past. That’s a fear. My MIL only achieved H.S., but her 5 boys all went to college and beyond. She was proud, but also a bit defensive around them and her daughters-in-law. She never wanted to be seen as stupid.
Over the years we discovered she had all the intelligence of many top academics. For example, I’ve read Piaget, a psychologist on stages of childhood development, and my MIL observes it ALL first-hand, comments and evaluates all her grandbabes as each develops. She’s not always on-target but so often she is able to find the exact right toy for a 14-month old, as distinguished from a 17-month old. She is astonishing.
When she cooks, she doesn’t just cook; she sits afterward and thinks about why it went well or not, revises the recipe, and so on. She is a reflective practitioner of her household. She’s not a great cook but a very thoughtful provider to so many people, so her management skills are terrific. But she’d be the last to call them management skills.
The more you can honor what she does, the more she’ll realize you admire her now and forever.
I sure was glad that my S asked me to teach him how to iron a shirt the day before he left as a freshman. You have no idea how much of a challenge normal household tasks are for new freshmen; but a read on CC around September shows it is so. She has give you a great headstart, and it will HELP you academically not to be distracted with…how do I make a bed so it stays nice? When’s the time to do laundry, now or in 3 weeks? etc.</p>

<p>I think the double-whammy of losing her Dad and now realizing it’s for real that you’ll also move away is on her mind, yet she doesn’t want to burden you with that. One loss triggers thoughts of another loss. Maybe y9ou can turn that inside out, if she mentions it aloud, to say, “I think Grandpa would be smiling down on us right now to see how our family is moving forward, don’t you?” </p>

<p>I recall your writing on other threads about teaching children. When they make progress, you are more proud of them than anything else, right? You know they’ll always still love you as their teacher even if they go on to the next level at the school. You’re not upset or scared to see them rise up; and maybe your Mom is also taking pride, as she is your first teacher. Let her know (through that card, great idea) the primary place she plays in your life, always.</p>

<p>CONGRATS on getting your FIRST CHOICE!!! Wait til they meet you, oh boy.</p>

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<p>^Wow…that was such a great post. :)</p>

<p>I’ve been telling her for a few days now how much I’m going to miss her when I do leave, I’ve been telling her more frequently than I normally do that I love her, etc.</p>

<p>Also, I sat down with her this morning and she did some great research on the campus with me, which I think was good for her. She also helped me to find a church that I really like the look of nearby the campus, which is VERY important to both of us. So hopefully that was a help to her.</p>

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<p>HISGRACE - you are doing wonderful things to include your mom in your life - and how it will evolve a few months from now. Keeping her in the loop will help to be supportive of you and you of her as well.</p>

<p>Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your mom - bless you :)</p>

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<p>I was a first-generation college student, and I can confirm that there will be some aspects of college that your mom can’t advise you about. I know my parents couldn’t. And the brutal reality is that I do advise my own kids on these things, so yes, having a parent who has gone to college does matter (though you may not want to tell your mom I said this).</p>

<p>However, there are many other areas where your mom’s experience as an adult will be valuable – things that are not specific to college life but will come up during your college years, such as</p>

<ol>
<li>making travel arrangements (and then changing them when your flight is canceled because of snow)</li>
<li>doing laundry, ironing, minor clothing repairs, etc.</li>
<li>handling your own banking</li>
<li>renting an apartment and dealing with the landlord (if you ever live off campus)</li>
<li>coping with any health problems that may arise while you’re at college</li>
<li>dealing with the more complex types of shopping (anyone who can understand how to buy a cell phone plan, for example, should receive an automatic PhD)</li>
<li>managing your time</li>
</ol>

<p>Your mom may not be able to advise you on which dining hall plan to choose or whether to take introductory chemistry or biology, but she can advise you on what questions you should ask the doctor the first time you get sick at college and have to go to the health center. And perhaps this is more important.</p>

<p>Colleges have a lot of guidance available for students on college-specific matters. But they don’t seem to be quite as helpful when it comes to ordinary real life. That’s where your mom will be invaluable. Remember, you’re not just going to be a college student, you’re going to be a beginner-level independent adult. And independent adulthood is one of your mother’s areas of expertise.</p>

<p>One more point: Your mom, because she didn’t go to college, may not be aware of all the resources that are available on a college campus for students who need advice on various matters. As the two of you go through the college Web site and the mailings from the college that you will receive later, you may want to point out some of these resources – academic advisors, tutoring centers for special help in math and writing, resident advisors in the dormitories, people in the health center to help with both physical and mental health issues, special advisors during the orientation period, etc. She may not know that so much help exists for students who are making the adjustment to college or having any kind of problems at college.</p>

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<p>^Wow, another amazing post. :slight_smile: I’m loving all the amazing advice I’ve been getting!!</p>