<p>I was recently accepted to my #1 school and will most likely go there…it’s roughly 7-8 hours away, so needless to say I’ll be living on campus. I’m a first-gen college student, and my mom says that while she’s excited for me, she doesn’t feel like she can help me because she never went through the process.</p>
<p>Now, I think that she’s been so much of a support system already (along with my dad/sister/brother) and she’s given me all the help I needed. But when I tell her this she doesn’t seem to believe it.</p>
<p>How are other parents of first-generation students coping/coped in the past?</p>
<p>Do something really nice for your mom: take her someplace special and tell her how you feel about her. Pick up the tab. She’ll get the idea. I’d bring a hankie.</p>
<p>I think I can speak for many moms when I say she can take care of herself, you don’t need to take care of her. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. That being said, coping styles may vary with culture. I was not first gen but my parents were, and so was my husband. Extended family is a big help for some. It seems in our African American/Carribean American culture, there may be a tendency to stay closer to home, but beyond that being proud seems to help parents cope. I moved 3000 miles away, ( and just started to feel bad about it recently as my daughter faces the same decision. I hope she doesn’t think she has to take care of me. ) Any cultural backround that might shed some light?</p>
<p>You could do what one of my kiddos did - found THE perfect card - that pretty much said it all - and then added a personal note to it - your mom will probably save that forever - just like I did :)</p>
<p>something that can make your mom feel useful and actually helpful is to ask her advice on things that you have researched</p>
<p>For instance- your dorm- look up the different dorms, and describe them to her and ask what SHE sees as the pros and cons, and then really listen- it helps you and her, she will see that you are able to handle it, but also value her opinions</p>
<p>Its a simple thing, but can mean so much, and its a way for her to see that you will be fine, but her thoughts still can matter</p>
<p>doing that does not show you can’t handle it, quite the contrary, it shows a maturity of looking for wisdom</p>
<p>as well, for other things, like meal plans, how to get your stuff there, and other practical matters, sometimes we parent types LOVE doing that stuff- me UPS is my bestest friend</p>
<p>Why NOT thank the person who helped you get where you are with a lovely note or card…us mom types LOVE them</p>
<p>My H loves when he gets calls or notes from his Ds- he has just discovered texting and when they send him texts he is THRILLED…little thinks are very nice</p>
<p>So I think you are saying you are worried about telling her you plan to pick a college several hours away and live on campus, is that right ? You are worried that SHE is worried that you will need help that she can’t give you?</p>
<p>Help you with what? Somthing in the past or something in the future? Are either of you worried about how you will do 7 hours from home? I see you are in S. Cal, so you mean driving. </p>
<p>Congratulations, BTW. Sonoma is beautiful!.</p>
<p>I get what the OP is saying, its like when your kid starts doing math that is WAY beyond what the parents ever did, we WANT to help, but just can’t anymore</p>
<p>that doesn’t mean we think our child is not capable, just that they have moved ahead of what we have ourselves done</p>
<p>The OP thinks her mom feels a bit, well, incapable because of her own experiences or lack there of, while the OP knows that is just not true…that her mother was more help then she wil ever really know</p>
<p>“its like when your kid starts doing math that is WAY beyond what the parents ever did, we WANT to help, but just can’t anymore”</p>
<p>Maybe it’s just me ( or a cultural thing), but unless I think my kid is struggling I just seem to feel proud and excited. Now, if I think they are struggling, that would be a whole different matter…I may end up trying to get the mods to delete these words next fall…I certainly can imagine worrying about needing to help and being unable to.</p>
<p>as far as HELP, college is a whole new world for the OPs mother, something the mother never had the opportunity, so mom may be a bit fearful she won’t be able to answer questions, which is perfectly understandable</p>
<p>So, HGFMU, just write her a note of thanks- for being there for you always, and that while this is a whole new world for BOTH of you, you know that her wisdom and advice will be something you will still seek out</p>
<p>Doing that is a very gracious thing to do- and thoughtful</p>
<p>Us mom types are so proud of our babies, but know they need to take care of things themselves, well mostly, but still LOVE to be part of the planning</p>
<p>There are ways to include your mom in that, easily, and in ways she will feel truely helpful</p>
<p>I totally understand your concern and really appreciate the loving daughter that you are! First, give her a nice card thanking her for all she’s done for you and letting her know that you could not have gotten where you are without her love and help.</p>
<p>Then enlist her help. Ask her advice about clothes, bedding and other necessities; ask her to research shipping, travel, etc… In other words, make her feel needed. Don’t worry about burdening her. She wants to feel that she can still help her baby, even if that baby is about to leave for college. Talk to her about plans for your coming home for holidays so that she does not feel that she won’t see you for 9 months or more. </p>
<p>HISGRACE - tell your mom exactly what you just wrote And then continue to include her in your experience. Please remember tho - that she is also feeling what many other moms feel - our kids move on (you are leaving for college soon - moving away) and don’t tend to need us anymore (those daily lives tend to change) - or so they think LOL. What she is doing - reacting and feeling left behind in some ways - is pretty common.</p>
<p>Just continue to NEED her in some ways (which I have no doubt that you do) - and she will come around. Just let her know how you feel and take it from there.</p>
<p>Shrinkrap, don’t you enjoy being part of helping your kid move forward? helping DOESN"T always have to happen only if a person is struggling, it can happen in joyous occassions!!</p>
<p>When I was getting married, i handled most of it myself, but my mom enjoyed sharing in the details- the cards, flowers, etc…it didn’t diminish my capabilities at all, but it was a fun way to celebrate a momentous occassion</p>
<p>When my D graduated, I enjoyed helping her by getting the packing boxes, tape, labels, driving her to the UPS store…did that make HER any less able, not at all, but it allowed us to SHARE the process</p>
<p>Of course I enjoy it! That’s why I feel her mom might feeling good, and not “down”. So I guess your saying her mom might not get to enjoy it because she doesn’t know how to help? Okay, I can see that. I guess I am more worried about HisGrace than her mother ( hey! it’s what I do! Although not doing it very well right now!), in that she seems like the kind who worries a lot about taking care of others. Okay, I’ll leave it alone.</p>
<p>I’m not worried about taking care of her so much as just her personal welfare. Her dad just died a few weeks ago, so it’s been pretty emotionally raw around here already.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the great advice, everyone. I’ll definitely look in to getting her a nice card.</p>
And then continue to include her in your experience. Please remember tho - that she is also feeling what many other moms feel - our kids move on (you are leaving for college soon - moving away) and don’t tend to need us anymore (those daily lives tend to change) - or so they think LOL. What she is doing - reacting and feeling left behind in some ways - is pretty common.</p>