<ol>
<li><p>I want them to be able to make as much money as they think they need to make to live how they want to live, and enough that they can put some aside for when bad things happen.</p></li>
<li><p>I want them to be able to make this money doing something that at least 70% of the time they enjoy, or else that they have to spend so little time doing what they need to do to earn money for #1 that they have spare time for enjoyment.</p></li>
<li><p>That they find a good good mate.</p></li>
<li><p>That they have children.</p></li>
<li><p>That everyone they love outlives them in good health.</p></li>
<li><p>That they outlive me in good health.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Dear Emerald, my heart goes out for you. It is such a freightening worry when your kids have deep depression. I hope your daughter is getting expert and competent care from the psych. professionals.
As for your search for the right church, UU is certainly an excellent choice, I would suggest looking into Zen or Taoism also. They both recognize the presence of the Truth or Way without the dualistic personification of a “'God”.
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments, isn’t it funny that “financial success” has never been mentioned? And yet, all of us spend most of our lifetime chasing after it. Subconciously, we are setting a very powerful unspoken message to our kids. Plus, all this emphasis on getting into the right college, for the way it might shape their careers, also underscore a strong hidden message of financial achievements. Are we confusing them?</p>
<p>Alumother, Thanks for your honesty and practicality. But what you need to live the way you want to live depends so much on how much you desire and your expectations. What happens when your expectation is very high? I myself had this grandios expectation of leaving my kids a financial legacy that will provide them with all the insulation and protection from harm once. When I realized that it is unrealistic and yet I love my kids so much. I felt like I am a failure as a father to them. It almost drove me insane.</p>
<p>bioeng - my DH felt/ feels the same way, it must be a ‘manly’ thing but with fathers that CARE that much,…these kids have already inherited what they really need.</p>
<p>bioeng - you are right. To get my silly little list right actually requires a lot of self knowledge, something often hard come by. Our kids need to know what they expect, what they can achieve, what will make them happy. But there ain’t no school for that. </p>
<p>So if you have realized what you had planned is unrealistic, and yet you have communicated to your children how much you love them, as jj_w says, you are a wonderful father. Especially if you let them know how hard you tried, and why it wasn’t possible.</p>
<p>My 13-year-old son was at a soccer academy a couple years ago, and the director was talking to the boys, trying to convince them to set high goals for the future. He asked the boys what their career goals were, and they responded one at a time, predominantly saying what they thought the director wanted to hear: “I want to play for Manchester United,” or “I want to play for FC Barcelona.” When it was my son’s best friend’s turn, he answered honestly: “I want a pretty wife, an easy job, and lots of money.” Along that vein, I would want each of my kids to find a wonderful spouse, to enjoy his career, and to be financially stable. But my greatest hope would be that at the end of their lives, each would hear, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”</p>
but with fathers that CARE that much,…these kids have already inherited what they really need.</p>