<p>Knowing that this is such a wise group, I need some advice.</p>
<p>A dear family in our community just lost their college son in an accident this past weekend. It was just that - an accident. Their daughter who is a senior in HS is close to my high schoolers. The family has a strong network of support, but we need to know what to do.</p>
<p>Has anyone been in this very unfortunate situation that can make suggestions as to what we can do that will be helpful to the family, not just this week, but going forward?</p>
<p>Thanks - and I’m sure they would appreciate your prayers.</p>
<p>So sad to hear. A young college man lost his life just north of us this weekend, too. His hometown was three hours away. My heart goes out to those who lose loved ones too soon.
If you know some of their friends and family, you might ask if there is an organized meal schedule. That way, there won’t be food brought to the home all at once. That’s the most practical way I can think to help.</p>
<p>I have never faced this situation exactly, but I should think just be there for them. I really am with you… I would be at a loss. Just let them know you are there for them.</p>
<p>This is one of the most tragic things. So sad. </p>
<p>I think you can never go wrong by sending a hand written note in a card, just to say you are thinking of them at this difficult time. But I also have some other thoughts too: </p>
<p>I know it’s customary to bring food but I have found during intense grief, so many bring food yet those grieving can not and will not eat, so it either spoils or becomes a burden to try to freeze, keep track of the supplies, etc. In my experience it is a lovely gesture that helps others feel like they are doing something, but I’m not sure its always the best thing for the grieving family. One thing though is people have to keep drinking fluids, even if they can not stomach food! It’s unusual, I know, but it might be a more beneficial gift. </p>
<p>We also tend to say “if there is anything you need, please call us” but a grieving family is highly unlikely to have the wherewithall or desire to actually think of what they need or to then ask if they do. I think what works better, if you are close enough at least, is to just to <em>do</em> what you know needs done (with their permission, of course) so you carry the burden of thinking things up for them and then doing them. Things would include taking the garbage out, running errands, raking the leaves, watching their younger ones, doing their laundry. Practical things that will be undone for a long time perhaps. </p>
<p>I know flowers are pretty common to give but this can sometimes end up too much too (esp if the network is large). A wonderful alternative I have received was when some friends made out a donation in the name of our lost loved one to a suitable charity (a charity they knew we valued). I still remember that heartfelt gesture and have tried to do the same in return for others who have lost a loved one. Possibly you can ask some others about charities they might support.</p>
<p>When you write to them (and you should, not just a card but words), write about some incident or impression you have of the boy- you always saw him running around with his dog, or you remember how he liked strawberry and chocolate ice cream cones, or you were so impressed when he did <x> at school, or whatever individual memory you might have. If you have any pictures of the son, send them along. If you have digital pictures, print them and send them.</x></p>
<p>Our community just lost a college student a few weeks ago and it is so tragic. We went to the visitation because husband was a coach to this boy when he was 9 and 10 years old. The mom immediately recognized my husband and it was obvious both she and her husband were so appreciative of all the support from so many people from all of the phases of their their life together with their son. This family had alot of support but am glad that you are talking about the boy’s sister as well in this case. The receiving line was focused on the parents but after the fact I realized that the siblings needed much support as well and wished we had made an effort to seek them out to say something to them. The child who died had many of his friends come from all over to the visitiation/memorial and the parents had their local support system. The older sibling had to leave town to go back to a graduate opportunity. Can’t imagine having to go back to business as usual after this. It is wonderful,rom828, that you are so sensitive to this and I know your high schoolers will do what they can to support this boy’s sister. So sorry to hear about this . As Youdon’tsay says, it really seems to help a family to see a genuine outpouring of support. Also,as Cardinal Fang says, share personal remembrances of the child with parents and siblings.</p>
<p>rom828, I just read the story of the young man’s death in this morning’s newspaper.
What a tragedy caused by a simple accident. It sounds as if he was an extremely talented young man who was loved by all. Making a donation to his school, particularly in his area of study or to his church in memorium would probably be appreciated.
I’m sure his sister would appreciate any kind of support your kids could offer, even if it’s just to take her out to eat or to the movies. Her parents may be grateful for that diversion for their daughter. In addition to their own grief, they will be very concerned for their D. I am so sorry for this family. They sound like wonderful people based on what I read. Thank you for being thoughtful enough to want to help.</p>
<p>I know this sounds a little off, but did he attend the same hs as his sister?</p>
<p>In the jewish religion, people plant trees in the memory of a person. Maybe you could contact the hs and ask if you could donate a tree to be planted in his name to honor his life. It might give the family a special peace seeing it grow like he would have.</p>
<p>Otherwise, my suggestion is to attend the funeral, contact their parish/synagogue and see if they need any meals for the family.</p>
<p>We tragically lost a hs sr a few weeks back and they asked in lieu of flowers to donate to the scholarship fund they had immediately created.</p>
<p>For Catholics traditionally we purchase a mass in their honor, typically a special date…birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc.</p>
<p>Agree that in these situations there is usually more donated food and flowers than anyone can stand. Also the go to the service comment and collecting pictures and memories, particularly for the siblings</p>
<p>Your H Schoolers may be able to be very helpful to the sibling. They should write their own notes to their friend. There also might be an opportunity for to organize a separate memorial service at the school, or at least for the school community. Finally, offer your home as a refuge. Sometimes it is hard for kids in this situation to always be in the house full of grieving family. She might need an escape. A place to just take a nap, or listen to music without being surrounded by a crowd of adults.</p>
<p>Thanks for your great ideas and kind thoughts. The sister is being enveloped by her friends and I think they are learning a lesson in compassion.</p>
<p>I think there are many great ideas I can suggest to other families that we can do together. Love the tree on the HS campus maybe with a marker. </p>
<p>I do hope to see her smiling face in our home soon and hopefully offer a place to rest. Our hearts just break for all of them - it is just too close to home when you hear of this kind of loss. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>Remember in a month contact them – from a close experience – it is later when it gets really hard – esp the second year - people seem to expect people to have moved on after the first year - and for many it is the second year of loss that is the worse – never feel bad about mentioning their son – they will be grateful that you acknowledge him now and in a year and so on</p>
<p>Mom2424 is right. I lost a friend in an accident when I was in college. He was about to graduate. I visited his parents a couple of months afterwards (I didn’t know them, it was across the state). One of the things they said was that after all the fuss of the funeral and all that, the shock wore off and they were alone with their grief. </p>
<p>They were glad to have someone to talk to about it and look at pictures of their S and share stories of his childhood. People outside the ring don’t want to continue talking about these depressing things, but it takes a lot longer for the family and friends to process a loss like that.</p>
<p>Another family lost their S at 26 to a brain tumor. He had been a college student of mine a few years before, and, unusually enough, I actually remembered him. I went to the wake and told the father a story about their S as my student. They later sent a card saying how much it meant that people thought enough to remember him. More than anything, parents want to know that their child’s life meant something to the world.</p>