@rosered55 you sound like a wonderful friend. The woman in question seems unable – though perhaps really unwilling – to help herself. Until she’s ready to take solid steps forward – a job (hopefully with medical benefits!) psychological/financial counseling – all that you may be able to do for her is simply listen and withhold judgment.
Disability (SSDI) is very, very difficult to get. If she’s just in the first stages of a disease, it could literally be years before she gets SSDI and Medicare.
OP, do you live in a Medicaid expansion state? If so, she can qualify for medicaid if she leaves her spouse. She must live apart from him though, even if that means living in a shelter.
I’m very sorry, OP, to both you and her. ((hugs)) you are a good friend but remember that your health and well-being comes first. You’re not helpful to anyone if you’re depleted.
@romanigypsyeyes, that’s what I suspected about SSDI. I didn’t want to say anything to my friend when she mentioned the possibility of getting such benefits; she feels bad enough as it is.
Unfortunately, I live in a state that did not do Medicaid expansion and that is becoming increasingly bad for public benefits.
Yeah, I even worry about benefits for my son who has schizophrenia. They sent the doctor, my son, and me all forms to fill out because they are reviewing his eligibility. 
It was really stressful for S to fill it out - who wants to dwell on their shortcomings and difficulties? It really threw him for a loop.
I have been trying to help someone for years. I did give her the opportunity to work from home and earn some money. I own a legit company, this is a legit stepping stone for a career. She has the option to work as much as she wants up to a certain amount. She’s struggling to work minimally, doesn’t communicate with her manager and isn’t improving. But instead of giving her money, she’s earning it. She’s on public assistance. I won’t listen to the drama anymore. My hope is really for her kids to see that mom can work and can earn her way and hopefully they won’t be living such chaotic lives. We’ll see, but I have for sure seen with my own two eyes, giving someone money does not solve their problems.
I don’t think there is much you can do. You said your friend was hundreds of thousands in debt and I assume you meant that literally. A $400 computer, while generous, is a drop in the bucket compared to their debt. It’s nice you want to help her get a job, but it sounds like her medical problems may interfere with full time employment or even consulting work.
I’m hoping she won’t be on the hook for the student loan debt if they divorce but I don’t know. In any case, at this point, the worries are at the level of buying groceries, not paying back the debt.
This stood out to me in your original post. If she is able to work, probably the best thing that could happen to her is that she finds a job. It really doesn’t matter what that job is, but it will be the first step toward her gaining confidence and perhaps even some small semblance of independence.
I think it is a red flag that while she will accept your financial assistance, she resists following up on an introduction that might lead to employment. My thought is that you should continue to provide emotional support to the extent that you can, but I would resist the temptation to provide any more financial assistance. She needs motivation to find employment.
Just gave a BFF $1000 to help her move back to our city.
I did it because I can and I do really care for her and have missed her company. And this is not a
hardship as I have some tucked away from my inheritance from my mother.
She moved away after her H suddenly died to be with her S. Her S and wife are in the military
and so BFF has now move 3 times in 4 years. But that is not a bad thing as she need to have some
adventures.
I am happy to have her back in our city and to be able to spend some time with her.
I always meant to visit her but never made that happen so figure this money is less than a visit.
I also know that she and her H did not plan wisely. She has $2200 a month and less than $50,000
for the rest of her life. I will admit that I badgered her into getting life insurance on her H about 19 years ago and that pretty much saved her for awhile. Yes, she has thanked me.
I feel very badly for her future and have no idea what will happen as she ages.
I will not give her money as ongoing. To date I helped with her H’s funeral and then this.
But I absolutely know that she must figure this out and live with their decisions.
@oregon101 Is your city an affordable place to live? $2200 a month in some locales is plenty to live on. I have an aunt who had to make the decision to move to a lower cost of living after spending way too much for way too long.
NO. NO way is that enough here. I think she knows this and is hoping her son will help her.
She has an offer that she has accepted for a place quite out of town free or what she can afford.
To get back here (majority of family is here such as G’kids) she has accepted.
This is the only person in my life that I know of that grew up poorer than I grew up.
It has created a bond between us. I made very different decisions than she made over our lifetimes.
In ways she has had a better life (love and romance) and in others a much worse life.
I just know that I cannot save her or pay for her future. I just must trust she will figure it out.
She may very well end up living with her children, providing granny care in exchange for housing. It would be nice if they had the space and the temperament to make it work.
Ahh but rent here in a very modest one bedroom pushes $1300 even in the burbs.
Add food and Car payment and Insurance and a life and she will be hurting. Then add meds and health care.
She needs hearing aids, and some surgery and does not have enough $.
Her H was an AA person and the housing is a family that happens to have a guest house on
their property and has offered it to her. Her H was a major player in the AA world for many
decades and is sorely missed. H was a mess and a gift all at once.
The S she is leaving has no children and is currently being stationed abroad.
Her D died 15 years ago. Her GrandD is a marginally intelligent gal who is doing ok for
herself and the other is only 10 adopted by a cousin.
She is a survivor and will manage–that much I know about her. Thank goodness!
Wow…all that student loan debt still outstanding for someone who qualifies for SS? Was he never making payments? Why? I may have you confused with another poster but is this the guy who just felt that he shouldn’t have to pay back the loans?
Maybe I’m reading too much between the lines, but if the only payments towards the loans are some percentage of his SS checks, then the amount of debt isn’t really being “felt”…it’s like they’re making minimum payments. They still have their much better income from his job, right? Sounds like he’s fine with these tiny payments because he thinks once he dies, the debts go away.
I feel for your friend and I feel for you trying to help. I’ve written a couple of times about a part time employee I have who gets herself into financial situations and really just won’t help herself. I do help her out, probably too much, but I can’t bare the thought of her pets going without food or meds, and sometimes her urgent needs just have to be dealt with quickly. I, too, have been frustrated by her poor spending choices (8 packs of cigarettes per week), and she has every excuse in the book for not quitting.
Your friend may be right to be concerned that she’d lose her health insurance if they were to divorce. Sad that insurance companies can’t be required to continue coverage for an exspouse from a long term marriage. This probably affects many.
Am I understanding that she doesn’t work at all or works only very part time? If she’s been out of the full time work force for awhile, she may just be overwhelmed at the thought of returning…particularly if it will be in a lowish paid position with little/no flexibility…as many lowish level jobs are.
It seems to me that the bigger issue is that her H is emotionally abusive. Since he works, it would seem that one solution would be for her to find employment or away from home hobbies where her hours are during the times her husband is at home. He wouldn’t be able to bother her much if she’s mostly only home while he’s at work.
My sister has a dear friend in a similar situation to rosered’s friend, except her friend has severe health problems also. It is so unfair that this happens to some people, who have done nothing to bring this on themselves except for marrying a person who ended up being emotionally abusive, cheap, and unable to take care of their family. You can take your best guess on whom the person you think you’re marrying is, and decades down the road, sometimes people change or become addicted to substances.
My sister helps by bringing her friend healthy food every now and then. Her friend’s husband only will buy cheap junk food, so fresh fruits and vegetables are a wonderful treat for her. It’s not that expensive, she does it when she can, and her friend is so appreciative, giving her thanks and plants from her garden. It’s a two way street for them, and it is heart breaking that her friend has to deal with so much.