The word “nothing” is a bit of an exaggeration but not much. I’ve written here before about my good friend, who is unemployed and in a loveless marriage with an emotionally abusive husband. They have horrible financial problems. I’ve helped my friend financially several times, regularly send her job ads, and offered to introduce her to one of my freelance-work clients. (She declined the latter; I admit to feeling frustrated about that.) She recently found out that she might have a chronic serious disorder. She’s very depressed and in treatment. She’d like to get a divorce but feels bound to the marriage because of her husband’s health insurance. At this point, because of my own financial concerns, I don’t feel comfortable giving her money “just because” but I have told her I can help her buy a new computer (to help with looking for work and being employed).
The husband earns too much for them to be eligible for a food pantry.
My friend is too young to claim Social Security.
Anyone have ideas, for me to help my friend, for her to help herself, for me to sooth my guilt that I’m not helping her more? Thank you.
Thank you. I appreciate the reinforcement that emotional support might be all I can do at this point.
My friend’s husband has hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt. He is still employed and also collecting Social Security (he recently turned 65) but his SS is being garnished for the debt. They do have children but neither is in a position to help financially.
Are her children in school? Paying for school lunches for the year (orbthr cost of a meal plan) as an anonymous good Samaritan can help not just financially but with the psychological burden of a parent knowing her children are going hungry then relief they’re not, one thing they don’t have to worry about can lift a lot from a mother’s shoulders .
Unfortunately, your friend is one of many just like her. Just the fact that you know all of those personal details about her that have taken place over years while she has done little (by your description) to extricate herself from misery answers your question. There is nothing you can do beyond commiseration.
The old term is long-suffering. The new term is a dependent help-seeking-rejector. The more you “intervene” the more you facilitate her staying miserable. Kind of like MASH on TV - patch them up so they can return to war. She forces you to choose horns on the dilemma.
Maybe introduce her to Dave Ramsey’s podcasts. Accept that she is staying in her marriage for a variety of reasons. Make sure she knows that she has your loving friendship but be sure you don’t drown emotionally in her situation. I like the school lunch idea, since it is definitive action and a mental relief.
I have a similar question re a friend’s adult son. He wanted to change fields, getting a new degree. Now, two years out, still unemployed. I have sent job leads that I’ve acquired through “connections”, real jobs not widely advertised. Friend’s son finds something wrong with each. My friend supports him, pays his student loans and feels miserably unhappy that the son has been so unsuccessful, but does not require the son to find employment outside the desired field.
@WISdad23 post above sounds harsh, but I was coming to the same conclusion re my situation before he stated it. I’m beginning to think that the mother/son pair will not find a solution to his unemployment that they both agree is acceptable. I’ve been wondering why I have made this situation a concern of mine since my attempts at solutions, same as the OP’s, are met with no action.
This is a horrible situation for the OP. If it is not too emotionally draining for you, I would be someone for her to talk to and that’s it. It is not up to you to solve her problem. She needs to work with her therapist to feel better about herself so she could take the initiative to leave her husband and find a job. As a friend, you can’t help her get a job if she doesn’t want it or feels up to it. It is the same about her marital problem. I would help out a friend financially if it is a temporary situation, but it is hard when it is an ongoing situation. You just went through your own divorce. You need to take care of yourself and your kids first.
She may benefit from speaking with someone at a women’s crisis center. Many women think they must stay in a relationship that is damaging to them. Someone might be able to help her envision what her life without this marriage would look like. It’s going to be hard either way. Devil you know vs the one you don’t. …
As a friend, let her know you are there to listen. It sounds like you have done quite a bit, but as long as you are not addressing the underlying problem, which includes her preference to stay in this bad situation, anything you do will not change anything dramatically.
Most people who spend their emotional energy trying to save someone who is unsavable would be better served addressing the problems in their own lives that they could potentially be avoiding by transferring their focus to someone else.
Not saying this is the case here, but it is a question worth asking. Real friendships are a two way street. What does this person do to augment your life in exchange for all of this effort on your part? If it’s not an equitable exchange…there’s something else going on.
Ask yourself what issues in your own life need to be dealt with, and give at least equal attention to them.
I don’t mean to make inferences about your life, specifically…because I don’t know you, etc.
Just sayin’ Something is contributing to your desire to engross yourself in an unrescuable sob story and get caught up in the drama therein. Does it provide relief from dealing with your own uncomfortable issues? If so…that’s the bigger problem.
OP has her own “financial concerns.” I don’t think she can afford to give her friend money or pay for her children’s school lunches.
You can’t change other people’s behavior, you can only change how you react to it. If you can’t afford to give her money, quit doing it. You’re under no obligation to financially support her, so don’t feel guilty if you’re not. Give her information for a local women’s shelter and your county counseling center.
When my children were younger there was a mom like that in our group. We tried helping for a long time, but she always had a reason why she couldn’t leave. Eventually, we all agreed that when she complained we’d sympathize, but suggest that if she found work she’d have something constructive to do, would feel better about herself, and have some options that she didn’t have by being financially dependent. She ended up finding a good job that offered benefits. She’s still with her husband, but once she got a job the dynamics of the relationship changed. I think what ultimately motivated her was the realization that HE could leave her, and she’d have no safety net for herself or their children. Your friend needs to be proactive to protect herself and her kids. If she won’t, there’s not really anything you can do about it.
Thank you for all the responses. To start with the last, I’m not particularly happy about being engrossed in my friend’s sob story. I do have plenty of issues in my own life to deal with and I spend a lot of time dealing with them. They mainly consist of working my butt off so that I can retire some day and fixing my house so I can sell it some day. This friend does provide moral support to me, but I’m not as open with her as she is with me.
I guess I’ll just say that it’s tiring and sad to know someone for whom almost everything is going badly but I don’t want to distance myself from her because that would be mean.
The husband’s debt is from graduate school and law school.
the children are grown, one out of school and one in college.
SSDI might be a possibility.
Food pantries in her area appear to require income checks.
Thanks for being a good community, CC!
Have a somewhat similar situation as well and wanting to be there for her certainly does not mean that I am avoiding any issues in my own life. She is a lifelong friend who has been dealt a bad hand and perhaps made some bad decisions along the way. in my case, the friend has physical health problems for herself and her son and depression and so cannot work. Trying to find programs that will help someone that was once in pretty good shape financially (good job, decently funded 401K, her own home) be wrecked because there is no help for someone who has any assets has been eye opening. With ill health and no money, house had fallen into disrepair and things like habitat only have outposts in the city, not eligible for certain help due to having slightly too many assets, religious community slightly helpful, extended family has turned away and friends tend to fall off over time as it is draining to have someone who has become mostly a taker. I don’t give this person money, but have done grocery runs, taken her out to dinner, helped around her place, and just tried to be supportive. It is called being a friend, not ignoring my issues (which luckily at this point at minor in comparison).
I think you are making some pretty broad assumptions and projections MaryGJ and seem to suggest that we should just abandon friends if they become needy. Of course we need to be sure we keep a healthy distance, but helping a friend through a tough time is what friends are for.
I had a long time friend (from baby play group time) whose life was always one big mess. No matter what I suggested there was always an excuse why she couldn’t do something. When she went back to 2nd husband ( a grifter, imo) after cheating on her and getting them into worse debt then she had been in with first husband, I finally had to cut her loose. I never gave her financial help and I’m glad I didn’t after she told me they owed her parents $50k and her brother many thousands of dollars. They were always trotting off on vacations, too - because, "they needed to get away.
I didn’t have any issue in my life - was just trying to be a supportive friend and sounding board.
Women abused as part of a relationship often cannot see a way out. They’ve been beaten into believing they’re worthless, that their situation cannot be escaped, that every solution will actually make things worse, that they’re powerless. Their sense of self and worthiness has been totally eroded. The abuser also makes it easy for friends to drop out (from frustration, inability to feel helpful) so that the woman is more and more isolated and easier and easier to abuse.
It’s important for you to keep channels of communication open. No matter how frustrated you are right now, make sure she knows she can call you if need be, at any time, and to trust her instinct.
If nothing else, provide her with a burner phone with preprogrammed numbers for a shelter, an advocate, the police, emergency services, and you. (Because abused women die every day from not having this.)
Thanks again for all the comments. If you knew me, you’d know that I spend a lot of time in my head, examining my own life. So I’ll definitely continue to question my own motives. But I do really want my friend’s situation to improve, and soon!
Here are a few things I’ve learned or that have been reinforced by this friendship that are general life lessons: 1) Incurring large amounts of student loan debt is bad. 2) There is no safety net. I wish my dear friend were not so affected by them.
I think that my friend wants to change the situation but she wants other things more, among them being “right.” The latter is not particularly helpful when one is in a marriage with someone who also wants to be “right.” My own marriage was difficult but my ex and I were able to end it with a truce.
I just don’t think it is true that most people in these situations are trying to avoid their own problems. There are times when people need support, even if there is no way to change the situation.
That being said, of course it is important to not let someone else’s problems keep you from dealing with your own life.
i had another friends who was an alcoholic and I kept my distance when drinking was the most important part of this person’s life. But when she was trying to get sober, I was supportive.
And unfortunately, there really is very little in the way of a safety net. Getting ill or losing a job at an older age can really upend the best laid plans.