I’m FB friends with my son, although he doesn’t do FB anymore. I’m think the girls do more. Anyway, some friend posted a picture of a few of them walking on a frozen lake by their college town and tagged him on FB. Things like that just freak me out. He wouldn’t know thin ice from thick ice to save his life.
So…what do you do with the information? I hate for him to feel like I’m always watching. Plus, would saying anything to him really stop it? But it seems like I should. He’s easy to talk to.
I know I did stupid dangerous things when I was young, too…but when it’s your child it is different!
Well, it’s not different. Dangerous things ARE stupid for people to do. You don’t get points for making it through the dangerous things without harming yourself or others. It’s still stupid.
Why are you afraid/worried to confront him? Is it worth the message that you’d want to get across? I mean, what’s the most important thing here - your pride or your son???
S might unfriend you - but he also might not fall through an unsafe lake because of your conversation. Which is the better/worse outcome?
Did what I say sound harsh? Your son was walking on a frozen lake that you seem to think might not be safe? I mean, I don’t know how else to answer except to say that that seems dangerous and stupid - words you chose yourself!
My day was actually fantastic. Super productive and got everything done I hoped too.
I’m sorry you don’t like my comments/advice/guidance - sure sounded like that is what you were asking for. Best of luck!
I think you should talk to your son but not “confront” him. Express your concern. I do this with my daughters; they know I worry, and so it’s kind of a joke without being a joke (as in, “Ha ha, I’m so uptight, but I am worried. You’re not doing anything dangerous, are you?”)
It’s always a fine line we walk as parents of young adult children. We want them to listen to us and our “vast experience” yet they don’t have to and we no longer have much sway, at least in the sense that we can impose consequences. Too much nagging and you risk losing the relationship or having them not be honest with you, two things I know I don’t want.
I was thinking about your question myself this weekend, @conmama as my kids are a lot more adventurous than I am. I am not a risk taker at all. In some ways, I do admire their adventurous spirits. My kids do things that make me nervous, things like extreme hiking, cliff diving, backcountry skiing. Not sure where they got this from, sure as heck isn’t from me. I’m always imagining that the worst will happen.
I do talk to them about safety and precautions. Often, they roll their eyes but I tell them its my job as a mother and just to humor me and listen. Hopefully, some part of it sticks. I also remind them you can’t spell smother without mother.
Doschicos post is very helpful. I think it is important to distinguish between known risks taken by risktakers, and risks taken by clueless kids where education is necessary. If your kid is a risktaker, there is not much you can do. If the kid is not a risktaker but just needs an education, I think you can have an enormous influence on a young adult’s behavior.
Walking across a frozen lake is not all that exciting, so perhaps your son is simply not aware of the risks. Educating him might make a difference.
On the other hand, if your son were the guys in the snowboarding-through-the-streets-of-New-York video, there would be very little you’d be able to do because they know yet disregard the terrible risks. I had a cousin like that. Took extreme risks every chance he could and relished his stories of near-death experiences. He died at age 45 surfing in extreme, unsafe conditions. There was nothing anyone could have done to curb his behavior. Not even his two young sons.
So I live in the frozen north, where the lake less than 5 minutes away gets an oval of snow cleared off of it regularly by the city so that people can skate around on it.
And they use a pickup truck to do the plowing.
I point this out to say that, depending on where your son is going to school, the ice he was walking across could be multiple feet thick. Maybe instead of starting out with a “I saw a picture of you being an idiot!” you could lead off with something more like “What’s it like to live in a place where the lakes freeze over so hard you can walk across them?” I’m pretty sure you’ll get a feel for whether he’s learned what to look out for in the responses you might get to something like that, and you don’t have to worry about sounding accusatory.
Conmama, if I were in your shoes, I would try to find a way to bring up the subject without him knowing you know he specifically did this. I have, when the occasion warranted, found a relevant news article (“kids break through ice, rescued!”) and sent the news article to my kids as an FYI, with my own additional comments on the topic. That way they see the info, pay attention or don’t, but at least they don’t block me or change settings to cut me out of seeing what they are up to.
I respectfully disagree with psychmomma. That’s how my mom would have handled it, and that sort of thing felt very passive-aggressive to me. It also made me very defensive. I think it is better to be up front but non-accusatory. Hey! Saw your picture on Facebook. It made me worry about thin ice.
I agree with @nottelling - that approach does sound passive-aggressive to me, too…And my mom was the passive-aggressive queen. I have really tried to be straight forward with my kids. They respond much better to that approach. Any hint of manipulation or even what they perceive as manipulation, draws a very defensive response.
Since you are FB friends he obviously knows you will see photos in which he’s tagged. Just ask him about it in a non judgemental way.
I have three sons so totally get where you’re coming from. If I mention too often what I saw on FB they would just block what I can see. I like dfbdfb’s advice the best. Try to approach it from an interest point of view instead of accusatory.
Both of my sons have some awful “cliff” ;pictures. My oldest showed me his and admitted it was a risky move and showed some regret. I’m going to try to get him to talk to his little brother about his recent pictures. He will listen to his older brother. I hate this trend. If we bring them up, we’ll immediately be blocked, as it has happened in the past.
We skate all the time on lakes in NH, the locals know when the lakes are safe. Ice hockey on the lakes is a favorite weekend activity. I’ve got a friend whose daughter is a rock climber. Now she has some terrifying pictures!
I agree if you say the wrong things you are likely to just get unfriended all together!I like dfbdfb’s suggestion best. (post #7)
Well, I emailed him instead of calling. I think sometimes it can be easier for both parties…often I might forget what to say or he doesn’t “hear” me. My hesitancy is always being blocked, or just the thought how annoying I would have been to have my every move seen and commented on when I was in college. I appreciate your thoughtful responses of how to go about it without pushing him away.
I told him the pictures popped up on my newsfeed because he had been tagged. I said although there are many things out of our control that can harm or kill us, so would then seem we should minimize the dangerous things we do have control of. I mentioned also having fun at that lake, but was concerned he wasn’t experienced enough on a frozen lake. Does he know how to tell thinner ice from very thick…by sight or other ways? I noticed there was a lot of snow on it…that leads me to believe he couldn’t even see the ice.
Does he know what prior weather conditions there needs to be to form certain inches of ice? Winter did not even come until 2 weeks ago…that sure doesn’t seem enough time to form a really thick base of ice.
Did he know what to do if he fell in? A man just fell through an icy pond and died last week trying to save his dog.
Does he realize if he slips through and to the side of the ice hole, he won’t be able to break the ice above while he drowns…(yes, I wanted to put that visual in his head)
So…whether I did it right or wrong, I did it. I sure hope he doesn’t close down.
Brought back a college memory for me. Eons ago a friend and I were walking along a land path on Picnic Point- a peninsula with a shallow area between it and the Lakeshore path during the winter. We two women were discussing how it was nice not to be with a male friend of ours for a change when we saw him bounding (he was tall) across the ice to meet up with us. Nice guy, funny that happened and of course we never told him our conversation.
None of us were/are risk takers. Up north there are ice fishing contests on the ice. Now in Florida so not keeping up with ice conditions. There are dates when all fish shanties must be removed- usually in March sometime. I suspect the college would have thin ice warnings and other cold weather notices for when the local ice was safe/dangerous.
