@oldmom4896 Yes, my Dad died 19 days after being diagnosed with cancer. Maybe it does color my views, I don’t know, but I don’t think so.
It is interesting the complete 180 degree views on this by many people.
I think that if you REALLY believe your son is not wise enough to know that ice doesn’t always get thick enough, MAYBE a quick text saying “Hey, be careful” is warranted. A long email full of questions about all the possible issues with a walk on the ice seems over the top and I’m guessing got a good chuckle and a “oh, MOM” in your S’s head. You’d have never even know had you not been looking at his Facebook. I’d bet that the poster above is correct-he DOES use FB, but keeps it pretty locked down so as to minimize the warnings from you.
If it were me - the next time I have a casual conversation with him, just bring it up casually - Oh btw, I saw a picture you were tagged in, walking on a frozen lake. Don’t know if you’re aware of this, but that can be really dangerous, even fatal. I’ve read of people dying by falling through thin ice and freezing to death/drowning… So, please don’t walk on frozen ponds or lakes unless you KNOW that it’s safe to do so. Thanks, son. Now, how was your day today?.."
Don’t be accusatory, just bring it up casually, let him know it can be dangerous - no need to say stupid - and let it go. If he’s intelligent at all, it’ll sink in.
FYI my 92 year old mother still warns me to drive carefully. It comes with the job.
I think how appropriate the conversation is is dictated by the age of the kid, also. If it were a ten year old out on the ice with pictures being posted, that kid would be so grounded if she were mine, her next playdate would be in a decade.
But if it’s a 19 year old out on the ice, you have to assume as a parent that you didn’t raise a complete idiot and that they were able to ascertain the ice was safe.
Of course I didn’t raise a complete idiot, but he’s only 19. A grown man died last week going through ice trying to save his dog. Ice is very difficult to know where it is completely frozen and the depth, especially in climates where the temperature can change drastically on a daily basis.
He didn’t die. Your adult son made a judgment call that the ice was fine, and it was.
I mean, c’mon. Trust the kid.
Anyone who lives in the colder climates knows ice can be a risk. It looks frozen, but can crack under body weight or depending on how the current flows beneath it. Yes, we lose people every winter. If they didn’t drive a truck over it in the past day or so- or otherwise test it, which police, fire, or other workers often do up here- , I wouldn’t want my kid blithely taking this chance “just because.” Applies to lots of risk taking. My mother’s expression used to be, “Just because everyone else jumped off that cliff, will you?”
OP, you seem REALLY really worried about the potential for death due to falling through the ice. Are you just as concerned about his being in a car? Riding a bike? Flying in a plane? Walking at night? His building catching on fire?
In the last week alone, just in my area alone, there have been people hurt or killed in fires, pedestrians being hit by cars, and being in a car accident. I know people who have been hurt while riding their bikes, and of course, we all hear about plane accidents. You seem hyper-focused on the ice, when it’s far more likely your son could get hurt just be living life and getting from place to place. Try to let this go.
As I told my son and repeated here…there are so many things in life that can harm or kill us in which we have no control. It seems prudent to lessen those in which we do. He could lessen those chances by not walking on ice of course…but also by being able to answer the questions I posed and educate himself.
Did you send your children out in a car to drive without lessons with the thought that…people get killed every day, he’s a smart kid, therefore I just can’t worry about it? No, they are educated in driving with hours of practice to lessen the possibility. Anything can happen, but watching your kid do something really stupid and just throwing your arms in the air with an “oh well” isin my opinion, not the best choice to make.
When I just have to say something I’ll start with…you know I’m paranoid right? You also know when I tell you annoying things it’s because I love you. Then I do the I feel stuff…I feel nervous when I see you doing things I feel are dangerous. Or I’ll just pose a question like…do you know how to tell if ice is safe to go on? If you don’t do it constantly and you have a good relationship with your kids I’m okay with checking in with them like this.
There have been a number of times when I simply said, “You know, that was risky.” And a conversation might ensue, depending on what it was. Sometimes, they explain how they were cautious and I’m assured. We move forward.
I am not afraid of them unfriending me. I am afraid of them altering their basic quality of life through something dumb and avoidable. Where do we get the idea kids are magically fully sensible and savvy, based on age or circumstance? We can express concern without devastating their egos or helicoptering.
Btw, still FB friends.
@conmama, did you get a response? Whenever I want to tell my knuckleheads something that I have discovered I start with “I know you aren’t going to want to hear this but just listen and then say ok Mom, I get it.” This works well for us. Young men are stupid.
Just saying.
Some of this thread reminds me of the words from a business effectivity consultant friend. Her comment was about women, how we undercut our message by dismissing it first. I’m.not aiming that at anyone in particular. Just think we need to be aware.
Just read something trending on Facebook. Something teenagers are doing called, the duct tape challenge.
Apparently some 14 year old boy was seriously injured and hospitalized. Reading the article I was just shaking my head. I think kids need to learn to be leaders not followers. They need to use their brain and common sense.
If your friends decide to jump in the lake doesn’t mean that it’s right for you too. The parenting thing unfortunately doesn’t come with an instruction manual that tells what to do in all circumstances. All I hope to do is keep communicating with dd. Hopefully at least 1 out of the 10 things I tell sticks in her mind.
I never see the pictures of my my kids doing dangerous stuff. I just hear about it after the fact. Then I launch into full mother panic mode and begin my lecture. My daughter has told me harrowing stories of running up narrow, winding roads, hiking in the rain to a remote abbey for a retreat, day-hiking alone in foreign countries, and other hair-raising feats that would give any mother of a girl a heart attack.
So I chew her out, and she reminds me that she was the one in the situation and that she determined the risks weren’t as bad as I assumed. She’s not really a risk junkie, just a person who loves solitude and nature. And only once, when jogging in broad daylight in York, England, was she harassed by some drunken idiots.
Oh, and I totally agree with @nottelling that you should avoid being passive-aggressive. Those of us who grew up with passive-aggressive mothers have a horror of that!
While helpful for some kids, this very type of “advice” could drive someone already timid/fearful of the larger outside world further into his/her shell which won’t do much for practicing and getting better at taking calculated risks in life.
And if we’re talking boys/young men, boys/young men who exhibit such extreme timid/fearful tendencies tend to have a hard time in social situations or commanding any respect from fellow male peers or prospective SOs.
Ellie Goulding, famous pop singer survives as car plunges through a frozen lake:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/35407221/ellie-goulding-escapes-from-frozen-lake-in-norway-as-her-vehicle-sinks-into-water
Surely not planned, surely she knows better! But this could have been an awful outcome. The science and conditions for frozen water can be complicated and have many variables. Bet she won’t be out on frozen water again soon.
My daughter spent a month on the Pacifc Crest Trail and my son competes in formation sky diving events (and sometimes sky dives with pyrotechnics he designs). I talk a lot with them about my safety concerns. My daughter carries a locator device (I bought it for her). My son has a automatic parachute-deployment altitude sensor.
The riskiest thing my kids have done? They’ve started their own businesses. Talk about thin ice!
I enjoy the photos they take immensely and I love that I have raised confident adults who share their lives with me.
Wow, @dmd77 , your kids and my two older ones would probably get along great - Sky-diving pyrotechnics, now that is something I’ve never heard about! My S also has his own business, and you’re right-that sure is risky!