<p>I just received an email from a good friend that her new grandchild was born two days ago and is not doing well. Her email carefully explained the situation and she seemed to be up beat, she is definitely taking the positive track. She closed by asking us to keep the baby and parents in our thoughts and prayers. I really am not sure what to say. My first thought is oh no! But that’s not appropriate especially since they are being so positive.</p>
<p>Say you will certainly keep the baby, parents and loved ones in your thoughts and prayers, as that is specifically what was asked of you. Keeping a good thought is always appreciated and you can offer further support as needed down the road.</p>
<p>Sometimes we just need to not overthink and be there for folks who are having challenges.</p>
<p>‘Congratulations!’ ‘I’ll pray for your family and the medical staff caring for the baby.’</p>
<p>You could remind them that they could always have another.</p>
<p>You could look up the baby’s condition and give them advice on what they should do.</p>
<p>You could tell them what the mom did wrong in pregnancy and how she could have done something different in prenatal care.</p>
<p>Or, you could be happy, upbeat, and positive, while recongizing that they may be warning you that this particular baby may not make it, and they are preparing the relatives for the possible outcome. You could simply say, “thank you for letting me know about about your beautiful baby.” </p>
<p>(If it was not obvious enough, my first three suggestions are tongue in cheek.)</p>
<p>Babyontheway…I know your first three suggestions were tongue in cheek but was it necessary to put them here?</p>
<p>Just tell the family that your thoughts and prayers are with them. And please do congratulate them on the birth of their grandchild.</p>
<p>We had a very premature baby. While my roommate in the hospital was getting gifts, and baby cards and the like, I was getting phone calls and flowers and “thinking of you cards”. No one said “Congratulations” until this child was out of the hospital three months later. I remember feeling very sad that folks weren’t acknowledging our baby…it made me think that everyone did not expect him to live.</p>
<p>It’s very hard to have a newborn who is not doing well…but this IS this family’s baby. Congratulations and we’re thinking about you would be very nice.</p>
<p>I was in the parents’ position when my son was born, and almost didn’t make it. He was in the neonatal ICU for a couple of weeks because of a serious problem. Believe it or not, people did say some things along the lines of babyontheway’s tongue in cheek suggestions. I’m glad I didn’t burn any bridges by overreacting, because people don’t always know what to say or how to say it, and I decided to just look at their heart rather than their words. Sometimes that was hard.</p>
<p>I think the other posters’ suggestions are good ones. Speaking as someone who was in that position, though, I would temper the upbeat, happy attitude. Some moms might see that as belittling their fears and concerns. HImom was spot on: The comments that gave me the most comfort were things like “I’m happy for the birth of your child, and we will certainly keep his/her health in our prayers. We wish the best for all of you. Please keep us posted whenever you find a moment, as we’ll be thinking of you.”</p>
<p>Really, hayden and thumper said it all.</p>
<p>If you are close by, an offer to drop off a meal, run an errand,(you get the idea) would be kind as well. An email or phone call to inquire about the baby and family would be welcome, too, I’m sure.</p>
<p>I too, had three babies in the NICU, the last, born at 29 weeks, 2 days, was in for the long haul and we had many “might not make it nights.” With that said, her birth was a blessing, a gift and a joy. Acknowledge the birth of this beautiful child by saying how this baby is a true gift. Then, acknowledge the roller coaster this family is on and like others said, if you are near by, see if there is anything you can do for the family. NICUs are not like other places in the hospital. You can’t really hold vigil by the baby. Visiting hours are very limited (unless you are a nursing mom…which even if you want to be, babies in the NICU are typically not able to do so) so the families spend much of their time either in waiting areas (in the early days) or at home (once routine is established) </p>
<p>Pre-made meals, offers to care for animals, etc are all very welcome. Feel free to send a gift to the family. It means you have hope for this baby. And sometimes hope is all you have.</p>
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<p>Yes. It is important to tell anybody that might read this thread what not to say. People can and do say these things, heartless as it might sound.</p>
<p>I agree with thumper about babyontheway’s ‘tongue in cheek’ comments. They’re inappropriate on a thread like this. As a mom who has been through this situation three times with an outcome that didn’t result in a baby coming home from the hospital, comments like this actually ARE made by insensitive individuals, and as much as you try to appreciate the fact that people don’t know what to say, those comments are never forgotten. </p>
<p>There is a lot of good advice given by others here. Acknowledge the birth and congratulate your friends, letting them know that you’re thinking of their family and wish them the best. Keep in touch with them, even just a short email to let them know you’re thinking of them will mean a lot.</p>
<p>They do amazing things in NICU’s these days. If the hospital staff is optimistic, it’s a very good sign. I would mention that you hope she will keep you posted. Family around the baby need things to do, because the feeling of utter helplessness is devastating, and learning about baby’s condition and keeping friends and other family up-to-date, asking for prayers, etc. can be a good activity.</p>
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<p>Again, that is why I put them there. This thread isn’t to extent sympathy to the person’s kid. It’s to talk about what to say or what not to say to them.</p>
<p>The things that babyontheway said belong here, I think, because those kind of things have a way of jumping out of our mouths before we think…at least I hope folks don’t say stuff through malice aforethought. Not that srw would ever!</p>
<p>Definitely send congratulations just as you would for any baby’s arrival, and lots of good wishes for the rest of the family. Add that you are concerned that there are health problems and offer to help in whatever way you can…if you have something concrete to offer. (Watch the kids. Walk the dog. Shovel the walk.) A lot of times people will say ‘call on me for anything!’ leaving it up to an already overwhelmed family to think of something, schedule them, and work out the details. If you cannot offer something specific, or if you live too far away, send food. </p>
<p>You can send a prepared meal to the grandmother if she lives close enough to the family to deliver it. With an infant in the NICU, the parents are probably not eating right or taking care of themselves. A care-package of prepared food that can be easily heated can be of great benefit not only now but when baby comes home. </p>
<p>[DineWise</a> Prepared Meal Delivery Gourmet Meals Delivered](<a href=“http://www.dinewise.com/]DineWise”>http://www.dinewise.com/)</p>
<p>alwaysamom, I’m so sorry for the loss you and your family went through. God bless.</p>
<p>Just thought of this…On a different message board I occassionally visit, they were collecting scrapbook items to make “name tags” for the NICU. If you scrapbook, this might be a thoughtful, hopeful gift. It wouldn’t have to be elaborate, just the first name in a nice cheerful font.</p>
<p>Agree with the general sentiments about including congratulations along with thoughts and best wishes for the babies health. I remember reading an article years ago where the parent commented about how sad it was when their baby was born with problems that they did not get congratulations cards on the birth of their child. It was something I would probably not have known quite how to handle before reading that article, but, as that Mom said - they still loved their baby and people’s different treatment of her birth hurt.</p>
<p>People can be tactless. We lost a baby and I do remember a couple of people saying “oh you can always have another one”. She had severe neural tube defects and the research at the time was just coming up with the idea that women should take folic acid supplements to help prevent neural tube defects. Because of the folic acid thing my Mum to this day thinks I caused the problem by not eating my vegetables. That sort of thing does not help either.</p>
<p>Collegeshopping – that was really helpful. I’d also agree that a congratulations card is in order, but not one of the twee, excessively cheerful ones.</p>
<p>There is a group of photographers who take beautiful pictures (at no charge) of critically ill infants and children with their parents in the hospital. Lynette Johnson of Seattle started this, and if you visit the website for the nonprofit they have a link to contact them to get suggestions for your particular city. The photographs are beautiful, and from articles I’ve read neonatal care units are very, very accepting of the photographers involved. </p>
<p>I know one family who had a child in NICU for eighteen weeks – the pictures they got were a blessing. Their daughter is now a pre-schooler, and doing well, but that first six months were incredibly rocky and traumatic.</p>
<p>my 28yr old was born @ 30 weeks, & had surgery for possible NEC after which she went down to 1lb 9 oz.
While my inlaws brought my H a camera ( to record her birth by c-section I imagine) to the hospital, they did not come in & that was their only visit to the hospital during her 8 week stay. ( it had been quite a disappointment, that I was to give birth to their first grandchild- some people are rude when things don’t go as anticipated & some people are * ruder *)</p>
<p>When a baby is in the hospital- or anyone, it can be helpful to help out with offers to do errands/prepare meals etc.
I think it depends on the hospital what visiting hours are.
In the NICU where both my Ds were ( neither was healthy enough initially for the regular nursery), there wasn’t any such thing as visiting hours. Immediate family was welcome anytime day or night ( after all- they don’t close!) & I usually sat by my D1s bed for at least 14 hrs a day, even though we didn’t live in town.</p>
<p>It freaked me out to no end, :eek: that the nurse that had been on shift when D1 was born- was also there when D2 was born 8 years later. SHe even had the same warming table in the same place in the NICU. ( must be alphabetical- 
) D2 wasn’t early, but she aspirated meconium. ( to further freak me out- even though the GA was different- their BDs are a day apart)</p>
<p>I did express my milk, using the hospitals breast pumps, although it was a long time before she( D1) was able to take in nourishment by mouth & she was 4mo old before she was strong enough to nurse.</p>
<p>After living in the NICU for weeks- she was moved to the intermediate care nursery for the last two weeks of her stay. However, it is still a roller coaster ride & I made the huge mistake of when in the family waiting room of the NICU, I met a pair of new grandparents of an almost term baby boy who were anxiously awaiting news. While I didn’t stop to think that since they were even * in the NICU* that seemed to indicate there were concerns about the babys’ health- I tried to reassure them about the competency of the staff, that a few weeks early was a concern but not critical & to congratulate them.</p>
<p>When I came out from seeing my D1 however, I noticed they were still there & I asked how their grandson was doing, I was surprised to hear, that he had died. 
I didn’t ask how, but I think it was his lungs ( boys are also less sturdy)</p>
<p>So whatever your relationship with the grandparents & new parents- keep in mind that any hospital stay for very young children is unpredictable & it may be a long haul.</p>
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<p>Very nice idea-
[benefit</a> for Soulumination](<a href=“http://www.myballard.com/2008/08/21/mike-mccready-to-play-at-the-tractor-tavern/]benefit”>Mike McCready to play at the Tractor – My Ballard) <B</p>
<p>Just to add a tidbit about the photographer. There is another not for profit called Now I lay me down to sleep. This wonderful network of photographers does similar work and took some beautiful photos of a girls friends still born baby. It may seem shocking to some, but when a baby is in a critical state or is born still, you sometimes only get one opportunity to have this memory.</p>
<p>[Home</a> - Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep](<a href=“http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org%5DHome”>http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org)</p>
<p>What can I do to help? All new parents and grandparents need some help/food/an ear for listening.</p>