what do you say...

Parent Cafe
1

<p>… to a child – an 8 year old – who just lost her mother? The mom, a friend of mine, died suddenly and mysteriously in her sleep last night. She was a young woman with no apparent health problems and the cause of death is unknown. (An autopsy is being performed.) Even more tragically, it was the little girl who found her mom’s body. </p>

<p>I’m numb, as are all of those she left behind; it’s hard enough to wrap our minds around the fact of our friend’s death – let alone to even imagine what this child is going through… </p>

<p>Any advice from those who have been in a similar situation? Any special words of comfort I can offer? Anything I should avoid saying? Any books I can take to her? This is a sensitive, mature little girl who was very, very close to her mom.</p>

2

<p>katliamom~</p>

<p>OMG, what a terribly tragic event! I am <em>SO</em> very sorry for this precious child on the loss of her beloved mom. :frowning: What is the situation with the family? Is there a father that lives with them? Any siblings? Will this little girl have a good support system to help her through this very emotional and stressful time? </p>

<p>And you, too, have suffered a loss–the loss of your friend. {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you and to your friend’s little girl. I’m so very sorry for your losses. </p>

<p>~berurah</p>

3

<p>It isn’t just about the saying, its about the “being” - doing whatever you can to help the family function- food, laundry, getting to and from school, helping with upcoming bday parties, all the “stuff” mom did, in a way that isn’t obtrusive</p>

<p>So, if you can’t find the words, your actions can show how much you care</p>

<p>Its also important to let this little girl know its okay to laugh and have fun, that her mom would like that- so doing normal girlie things is imperative </p>

<p>Gosh, this is sad and scary- a reminder to take care of “business” and each other- and never leave each other being mad</p>

<p>Set up a support system for meals, carpooling, movies, the zoo, that kind of thing</p>

<p>And just hug her, let her cry…and talk about how special her mom was</p>

<p>I lost my best friend a few months ago, but I can’t imagine losing my mom at such a young age</p>

<p>I think what can happen with young kids is they can start to have fun and then feel bad for laughing or enjoying themselves, so she needs to know that smiling, having fun is okay, and that her mom would like that</p>

4

<p>If you have thoughts, a memory, or pictures of her mother, it would be really nice if you wrote them down and have someone save them for her. She may want them later.</p>

<p>People do like to hear that their loved ones were appreciated by others as much as by them. You probably want to avoid any commentary on the situation such as “these things happen because…”, “it’s better this way…”, “at least…”, “now your mother is…”. I think even “I know how you feel” often would seem hollow. But I think if she brings up an idea like that, it is okay to affirm it and offer your thoughts on it. But I think avoiding statements like that are the best way to avoid saying the wrong thing. She’ll probably have her own idea about it about at 8, I would think, so a commentary on it that could contradict with that might be hard for her. But I think “I’m sorry” and “I’m here for you/if you want to talk” is usually good. Also maybe make it clear that you mean after everything dies down too. One sort of commentary I think is usually okay is one about remembering the good times and everything there was to celebrate about her mother’s life.</p>

5

<p>The above ideas are all good. CGM mentioned this, but I just wanted to reiterate that the little girl needs to know that it’s OK to cry or not cry, and it’s OK to laugh and be happy–she shouldn’t be sad all the time. It’s difficult with kids and teenagers because they all feel as if they should be sad, as if they should cry, but sometimes they’ll feel happy or they may be unable to cry sometimes. I think that’s especially difficult because they may feel as if they’re bad kids for feeling or not feeling the “right” emotions. Since she found her mother, she needs to understand that this isn’t her fault and that this isn’t a normal thing to happen; she doesn’t need to be scared that her friends or the rest of her family will die in their sleep. One thing that I think would be nice is to get her a locket necklace with a picture of her mom in it. Get it in an adult size so that she can keep it as she grows. I know people who lost a parent in childhood who have keepsakes they keep like this.</p>

6

<p>Katliamom, as someone who lost both parents suddenly at age 12, I would speculate that anything you do or say in the next six months isn’t going to matter a great deal one way or the other. It’s hard to describe but a sort of “anesthesia” sets in for a while - hard as I try, I remember almost nothing about the first several months following the death of my parents - maybe just very slight minute snapshots of things - a sandwich eaten at someone’s table, or asking someone where I would find a bath towl, for example, but, I remember nothing at all about what anyone said, did, etc. Everything is a complete fog, and it has been that way forever - I have never been able to remember anything about what happened in the days, weeks, months after. “Normal” memories return maybe two - three years after, and, I am just going to have to assume that perhaps most young people are the same way. </p>

<p>What I absolutely DO remember, and am very grateful for, are a couple of very strong, determined and resourceful people who hung in there for years and years after, and who most likely saved me from going completely off the cliff. I most strongly and gratefully remember their guidance at around, say, age 16-22 - they hung in there that long, and that is when I needed them most of all, and that is also when the grief eased just enough to where I could “hear” their guidance and make some use of the lifelines they threw out. </p>

<p>What I think is going to matter to this young lady is if you can be there for years to come, especially as she continues in school, and into high school, and beyond. The true agony of a loss like this isn’t the loss itself - it isn’t the funeral or the sudden shock etc. - it’s more what happens, and what doesn’t happen, as the young person continues to progress towards adulthood and begin to grow up, and the trusted maternal resource isn’t there any more. As this little girl grows up, she is going to need a strong, rational, honest, blunt voice of reason and direction. The best possible assistance isn’t in kind words or the most appropriate keepsake gifts but rather in the solid, dependable adult guidance in the years to come: a trusted and valued adult female friend who is resourceful and compassionate, but also who is very firm in encouraging the young person to move out of the stages of grief and into a productive life. </p>

<p>Don’t worry so much on things to make her “feel better” in the short term - trust me when I tell you that you cannot. No one can. Words of comfort, etc., maybe they’re nice to say, but will have little impact on anything in the short term. But you can be very, very influential and helpful over time, as she grows up. And she’s going to need you and others like you, desperately, in the years to come, and your presence and support is going to matter to her far more in, say, five to ten years, than it will in the next five to ten days or weeks.</p>

<p>Edited to add: you might even want to forget about offering anything material, at least for a while. As CGM says it’s about “being there”. If you give her something now, such as a locket, etc., or a scrap book of momentos - she may actually get angry at the items and throw them away - sort of as a way of trying to destroy the pain. You might want to have these things at the ready, but wait and offer them several months out, when she is more in a position to receive them. </p>

<p>It’s hard to explain and all people are different of course - not everyone cycles through shock and grief the same way - but this is my best guess.</p>

7

<p>Katliamom, so so sorry for your shock and loss. </p>

<p>Our area is blessed to have the Center for Grieving Children. They are a resource in every way - direct help to families, ongoing groups for children of all ages, coming into communities when there is a tragic death (teen suicide, parent in tragic accident, etc.) and the whole community needs help. Perhaps your area has something similar - worth doing some looking around.</p>

<p>Here is the CGC’s suggested bibliography - they arrange it by age group of the child. <a href=“http://www.cgcmaine.org/docs/subdocs/bibliography.htm[/url]”>http://www.cgcmaine.org/docs/subdocs/bibliography.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

8

<p>katliamom:
I was searching for the right words, but LTS already wrote them. Having been there at 13, her post rings true in every possible way. I encourage you to print it out and keep it close. If you can, ride the waves with her through the storms and the quiet times. There will likely be more of the former than the latter.
My heart breaks for you and your friend’s little girl.</p>

9

<p>Katliamom,</p>

<p>My sincere sympathies.</p>

<p>My S-I-L died suddenly and left behind 4 children (ages 4 to 10) a few years ago. I agree with everything that has been said here. As Latetoschool mentioned, the first few months are a blur, but do keep all the letters and momentos in a special place for later viewing (maybe even in ten years). Every child deals with it differently. Some don’t want to talk about their mom’s death, especially at school, because they don’t want to be singled out, some do. But it is important to talk about her with family and close friends often so the child knows her mom is not forgotten. My nieces and nephews all have pictures of their mom in their bedrooms, even though their dad is remarried, and we bring up her name often (Their mom’s mom-their grandmother-is still very much in the picture!) </p>

<p>We were told (by counselors) that it was very important for the kids to say goodbye to their mother, so the family had a viewing before the funeral. Some doubted the prudence of this, but it did seem like the right thing to do. I’ve heard from others who lost their mother when young that since they did not see her at the end and say goodbye, they thought their mom had left or maybe was going to come back any moment. (This may not apply to your situation since the little girl was the one who found her mother).</p>

<p>It has been almost six years now since my S-I-L died, and sometimes it feels like just yesterday…But the key thing is GIVE the CHILD LOVE, LOVE and MORE LOVE!!!</p>

10

<p>I’m so sorry to hear about the loss, and I agree, LTS says everything.</p>

<p>When a child loses a mother at such a young age, often one of their first thought is “Who will take care of me?” The need reassurance that someone will cook, clean, help them get to school and parties, shop, and assist with schoolwork. I worry that the father will be so upset that it will be hard to focus on the needs of the child. Are their grandparents nearby?</p>

11

<p>My brother-in-law died unexpectedly two years ago this month. My niece was 11. Kids hate to be different, and my niece was no exception. Reassurance for her that in a short time people will get back to treating her the way they always have may help. Also, that other people will have tragedies too, and the roles will change.</p>

<p>Explaining more about the wake and after-funeral meal are something to consider too. I still remember the absolutely striken look on my niece’s face when people were talking about unrelated things, even happy things, with her dad’s coffin in the next room and her world feeling like it was coming apart. </p>

<p>Another sister, who’s a board certified social worker, noticed this, and explained to my neice the reasons that people this, among them, that what happened is so very sad that to keep their composure people have to distract themselves, and that’s it’s a normal part of grieving and isn’t disrespectful. Also let her know that it’s normal to feel angry, guilty, etc., and that these feelings will fade in time.</p>

<p>The other thing that I think helped my neice was letting some of her friends come to the service. Kids want the people they’re close to around them just like adults do.</p>

12

<p>Thank you for your words of wisdom & compassion - your advice means a great deal and I have taken it to heart. I was happy to see my friend’s daughter being taken care of with great sensitivity by her paternal aunt while the Dad deals with his own shock & pain. This will be a long hard road for the family and the friends she left behind. In the meantime, I am once again struck by how fragile and unpredictable life is, and how important it is to hold onto those you love because you never know…</p>

13

<p>I’ve glad that the aunt has been able to do this. Thank you for getting back to us to let us know how things are going.</p>

<p>Something else to mention, now that someone’s kind of been designated as the main person caring for your friend’s daughter. Adults overestimate how well kids understand death. Even when you think you’ve explained things very well, kids often have completely different ideas. So it’s a good idea to ask them to tell you what they think happened and how it will affect them. If you don’t ask, you won’t be able to get any misperceptions out in the open and talk about them.</p>

<p>For instance my D was 8 when my 95 year old grandmother died. We thought we’d done a good job of explaining the illness and that what was going to happen. But D.'s impression when it happened was that, “Mamere got mad at everyone in the family, so she went to Heaven to get away from us.”</p>

<p>When my dad died a year later, D. understood the illness and debilitation issues a lot better, but thought “we’re all going to die now” because she felt so close to my dad, she didn’t see how anyone in the family could survive without him.</p>

14

<p>What a heartbreaking discovery for an 8 year old girl. I’m sure just your familiar presence and empathy will help her through these next steps.
Later on, you’ll be a wellspring of memories. The stories you can tell her about her mom will be precious to her. Start writing them down now, because it may be a few years before she wants to hear them, and you won’t want to forget.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and her family tonight.</p>

15

<p>Wow. K, so sorry for the loss of your friend, and the heartbreak of seeing this happen to such a young child. Others before me have posted some great suggestions… just know we’re thinking good thoughts for you.</p>

16

<p>katliamom-
So sorry for your loss. That is so tragic. I used to run a bereavement support groupfor adults, and someone else ran a support group for kids through our synagogue. You might look into resources in your community. there are also web support groups for kids such as <a href=“http://griefnet.org/support/SGkidsform.html[/url]”>http://griefnet.org/support/SGkidsform.html&lt;/a&gt; and <a href=“http://www.childrensgrief.net/[/url]”>http://www.childrensgrief.net/&lt;/a&gt;
These resources can be very helpful, as being able to share (especially at odd hours of the night/day if she has trouble sleeping) with other kids who understand how she feels and what she is going through will be very powerful</p>