<p>I was just wondering what parents and children normally talk about when they are having casual conversations, and what elements make for a good relationship once both parties are adults. I was on the phone with my mom (it’s only her now) earlier this weekend and it got me thinking about the fact that beyond grades and money, it’s not so easy for us to talk. My parents were first generation immigrants and very conservative, and so I feel confused about how to build a relationship with my mom. Growing up, it seemed easier. Even though talking about things that actually matter to me was always very hard, because we would disagree and she would be angry, we could bound over things like cooking, cleaning, knitting, shopping, etc… I am not a very intense person, and there many things that I just didn’t care about enough to fight for. I let my mom choose my classes, ECs, even certain friends, and got into the colleges she wanted. A lot of what I want for my life now is different from what she would want for me. Because of that, things like my professional dreams, personal relationships, social and religious beliefs, I have mostly kept from her. I know from experience that she would not approve and thus would feel sad and angry. I love my mom so much, and I was wondering what are some ways that she and I could be close. I moved very far from home for college and I hope to stay here afterwards, so we won’t get to be close by doing things together the way we used to, but I’m not sure how we can peacefully interact beyond small talk. It’s a pretty sad situation, I’m not sure what to do.</p>
<p>I’m not sure I have any advice for you, but just wanted to say, you are not alone - so many children of immigrants (and to a lesser extent, any parents and children who have different generational reference points) have been through this.
For me and my mom, some of the warmest connections were when she would say something funny, and we would laugh. Our viewpoints could be quite different (she really had these old-fashioned views about roles of men and women, for example), but I just learned not to take it too seriously, and to point out that times change. So - laugh if you can, and listen to whatever she wants to share, her stories, and see where it takes you. You don’t have to share everything with her, but she will hear in your voice if you’re feeling happy or strong or whatever. Sooner or later, you will be able to share more.
I think parents understand that things change, and they accept it to some degree, but they also want to hear that you have a good head on your shoulders, and are going to be okay.</p>
<p>It’s perfectly normal for the relationship to change as you become an adult. The two of you can still enjoy spending time together. Here are some ideas that I enjoy with my own adult children.
- Take a walk together
- Plan a night, weekend, vacation together
- Send a text, photo, greeting card in the mail
- Skype
- Look at old photos together
- Watch the same TV show
- Ask for music suggestions from each other
- Learn how to cook some family recipes
- Talk about her plans for the future (retirement, remarriage, moving, finances)
- Laugh. Have inside jokes
- Help each other do a chore that needs to be done</p>
<p>I think most college age kids do not have a lot in common with their parents. But, it doesn’t mean you cant find something to talk about. Lots of kids grow away and get into things their parents never would have dreamed of but that doesn’t mean the parents aren’t interested. Talk about books you are reading, current events, ask what is going on in your hometown, news about how your old HS friends (your Mom might know) are doing, news about clubs and activities you are involved in, etc. How about asking her about her childhood? It might not matter to you now, but you might want to research your family tree later on. Do you have time to knit? If so, talk about that. Good luck.</p>
<p>What are your mother’s interests? Art, pro sports, crafts. exercise? See if there is something related to her interest that you can talk about or do together. Go to an art museum together, have her teach you how to knit, paint, cook or do something at a gym. If you can ask her questions about something she knows a lot about and you know nothing about, then some conversation should flow naturally.</p>
<p>You might try bringing up practical things – and this will get easier as you move beyond college into independent living. Your parents have done many of the things you will do (renting apartments, applying for jobs, buying cars, filling out income tax forms, dealing with health problems, etc.), and they may have perspectives to share or advice to give.</p>
<p>Many older people enjoy sharing such information with their kids. We like being useful in that way. And sometimes, we actually are useful. (Other times, our advice may be outdated or not quite right for the situation.)</p>
<p>So, for example, when my daughter saw a mouse run across her apartment, she called and asked me whether I had any experience dealing with mice. I did, and I was able to give her some suggestions. </p>
<p>When my son was thinking about buying a car for the first time, he asked his father for information about shopping for cars and even discussed the pros and cons of various models with him. And my husband was able to provide a lot of information. (In the end, though, our son decided he was better off relying on mass transit and not buying a car at that time.)</p>
<p>Of course, you may not want to bring up a subject with your parents if it’s too emotionally loaded. For example, let’s say that your doctor has referred you to a specialist, and the specialist is out-of-network for your insurance. I can almost guarantee that your parents have run across this situation at some point in their lives. However, if the specialist is a psychiatrist, you might not want to bring it up. On the other hand, if the specialist is an allergist, feel free. You’ll learn something from the conversation.</p>
<p>But you can bring up emotionally loaded situations if they involve other people rather than you. You might not want to discuss your own mental health issues (or contraception or debt or political views) with your parents, but you could certainly discuss other people’s. If a coworker has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or a friend is up to his eyeballs in credit card debt, you could ask your parents whether they have known anyone with these situations. They may have, and they may have meaningful stories to share.</p>
<p>Conversations of this sort may not touch on the deepest issues in your life (or your parents’), but they can provide much more bonding than simple small talk. And you may even learn something valuable along the way.</p>
<p>My mom is also an immigrant from Thailand, so growing up and connecting to my mom was a challenge since she was raised so differently. I often felt like I couldn’t talk to her about very personal things without being judged or yelled at. Like felt like things that normal girls talk to their mom about (peer pressure, drinking, etc) I could not talk to my mom about. What I would try to bring up in conversation with your mom is maybe ask for advice. Weather it be advice about what to eat, what to wear, boys, friends, or school I think mom’s love to feel like they are important. Especially since you are at that age where you are becoming independent, your mom would love to feel important. Just make your mom feel important by asking her what her opinion is in different things and see if that helps!</p>
<p>I think the trick is to find things you have in common. We have a hard time with our older son. He likes board games (easy to play with him as long as you don’t mind being beaten, but not much fodder for phone conversations.) He reads a lot of graphic novels which we just don’t like, but have tried a bunch he recommended. He reads some sci fi and fantasy. His job is computer programming at such an abstract level there is nothing to discuss. Sometimes we talk about recent science discoveries or news about his company that has made it to the East Coast papers.</p>
<p>Younger son is easier. We talk about the middle east. He’s an IR major and spent last year in Jordan. He also reads more of the same novels and watches a bunch of TV shows we also watch. Right now we talk about how the job search is going. (He graduates this spring.)</p>
<p>windbehindwings, those are great suggestions! </p>
<p>We try to talk about our days, in the most mundane ways – " I had a meeting, I got x, y.z done, I had a hard time at the store choosing tomatos because …" We do watch some of the same TV shows, and S1 and I watch the same webcams (specific to a shared interest in a zoo). I find that it’s easier to talk a little, once a week, than it is to talk a long time only a couple times a month. My sons are politically active and socially aware, so often there will be conversations about news/events. </p>
<p>But yes, I struggle with this too. When everyone is home, we try to not all sit on electronics, and do something together (put away the lights, sit by the fire circle, watch a movie, play cards, cook, do dishes). I miss the days when we didn’t have to think about it so much, but that’s how you stay connected, I guess.</p>
<p>I don’t have the immigrant issues that I am sure complicate your situation a lot, but I didn’t have much to talk about with my parents for while, too. We used to fight A LOT, and it didn’t really improve until recently. Now that I have a house and I am getting married, we find a lot to talk about in that-- my mom and I talk about marriage and housework a lot. We share recipes, right now we are both trying to lose weight and using weight watchers so we talk about diet and exercise a lot. My dad and I still don’t have much of a relationship but we are starting to bond some over home repairs and things, we call him for advice. It is slow, and I don’t think my dad and I will ever be the best of friends, but there aren’t bad feelings between us anymore and the warmth is growing and will continue to grow. I would say my mom and I are good friends now. We text each other a lot throughout the day, usually with funny quotes or pictures, I send her pictures of my crochet projects and and recipes I’ve made. We talk about TV shows we both watch.</p>
<p>It can take a long time to grow into a person your parents can relate to sometimes. Your cultural differences with your parents I’m sure further complicate that, but I have hope that as you grow older you will learn how to navigate those differences better and learn to work around them-- and perhaps your mother will, too. </p>
<p>One thing that made a difference for me, and maybe it will for you too, is that my mom wasn’t really thinking of me as an adult when I was in college. She didn’t transfer into thinking of me as an adult until after I graduated, got a full time job, and for her for some reason getting engaged seemed to be a big thing that made her start treating me more like an adult. There were times as a younger adult that I was baffled by how judgmental my mom was being, I was 22 years old why was she still on my case about <em>whatever</em>, and then she seemingly quite suddenly shifted-- there are subjects I am used to avoiding with her because of her judgmentalness that now she brings up and is completely open about in a way she didn’t used to be. Some of your differences are cultural and she may never approve but she may not be as difficult in a few years when she gets more used to thinking of you as an adult.</p>
<p>We talk a lot about what’s going on in their lives, their jobs, their SO’s, their friends and their activities. They seem to like keeping us up to date. I’m careful not to pry or ask about things that may be uncomfortable or private. And believe it or not, they’re getting better about asking about us whether it’s our medical issues or our jobs. My youngest son is a freshman in college so we talk a lot about his classes, his dorm and his new friends. My two older children are out of college and out of the house, they both work in the tech industry so we seem to talk a lot about tech trends. We talk to all three of them by phone and in person quite often and never have a problem.</p>
<p>I’m glad you’re finally growing into your own person! It must be so liberating to start making your own choices! That right there gives you fodder for conversation-as others have said, talk about your days, foods you’ve cooked or tried, places you’ve visited. Since your mom chose this college/city for you, she must be interested in what it’s like there. Tell her about interesting things or people you see. Performances you’ve gone to, assignments in class.</p>
<p>Really, parents just want to stay connected-WHAT you talk about is less important than that you DO talk to them. I have two kids well past college age. My son does work I can’t begin to understand, but he tells me about interesting things he’s done in language that makes sense to me, although it’s very simplified. He talks about his boat and the refurbishing he’s doing, shows he’s watched, things he’s seen online. He asks about his cousins or others in my family. It’s not hard to find a topic.</p>
<p>My mother called her mother every Sunday for decades. They talked to each other about all manner of things, form the mundane what they had for dinner to grand plans. It was about the connection even though they rarely saw each other. Although it wasn’t every Sunday, I tried to do the same with my mom. What I miss most about her is that I can’t pick up the phone to just chat.</p>
<p>Unless your mom isn’t a nice person, she will care less that you have different viewpoints than that you’re staying in touch. At least, I hope that for you.</p>