what do you think my essay should deserve?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>topic: what do you think about people always cause griefs themselves? (something like that)</p>

<p>Today,people always lament that the world only can give us grief. However,I do not agree with those people, The world can actually give us happiness,hut today pessimistic people only know how to “search” for the griefs.
In the story of “Promise of the Wolves”,by dorothy Hearst,Kaala is a fantastic example.Kaala is a little pup that lives with a pack ,and Kaala is not supposed to be close to humans according to the rules of the nature in the story, One day,Kaala finally meets a human girl called Tali, Also,this meeting causes an inevitable conflict between humans and wolves, Kaala keeps on blaming herself due to this conflict;she always thinks that she is guilty, Afterwards,she does not even find a way to solve this conflict. Through this example,we can see that Kaala just knows how to “search” for the griefs and does not try to find a way to solve the problems, She does not even know that actually causing griefs will never help her,but hurt her.
Today,people are trying so hard to force themselves to do better;one of those people had used to be studying with me in a same class, His name is called Benjamin. Benjamin was an intelligent ,sagacious and affable person. He worked really hard; he always got the first place in the class rank. However,I think that sometimes he was trying too hard.(Sometimes he told me that he felt melancholic due to his “great” results.He put so much stress on his “shoulder”.In fact,in this case,I reckon that he was causing griefs for himself. He was already on the first place in the class rank,why did he still put so much stress on himself?I understand that no one does not need improvement,but Benhamin still worked more than he was supposed to. In this example,we can know that Bemjamin sometimes caused so much griefs and he did not know how to appease by himself.
In conclusion,through these examples,we could see that Kaala and Bemjamin are those who cause griefs on themselves. People who are like them are always being too melancholic and therefore never being able to feel comfortable in this world.</p>

<p>what do think my essay deserves? this essay has been graded at a really low score. :<</p>

2

<p>it deserves a 6 or 7…no offense,but your introduction is poor,i really didn’t find any conclusion.there is a lot of grammatical mistakes,many of them are wrong prepositional phrases,while the language is flowing the transition isn’t good enough to get higher scores…pardon me if I hurt you</p>

3

<p>can you tell me what my grammatical mistakes are??? i really want to know, i want to correct my mistakes. and teach me how to write a good introduction and conclusion,pleaseeeeee.</p>

4

<p>i am not that good,i suggest you using GRAMMATIX.that book will give you a system to write good essays.use a grammar book to learn correct use of preposition,sentence variation</p>

<p>ps:your examples are very good</p>

5

<p>Today, people always lament that the world can only give us grief. However, I do not agree with those people. The world can actually give us happiness, but today pessimistic people only know how to “search” for grief.</p>

<p>In the story “Promise of the Wolves,” by Dorothy Hearst, Kaala is a fantastic example. Kaala is a little pup that lives with a pack, and Kaala is not supposed to be close to humans according to the rules of nature in the story. One day, Kaala finally meets a human girl called Tali. This meeting causes an inevitable conflict between humans and wolves. Kaala keeps on blaming herself due to [does the conflict cause Kaala to blame herself, which is what you’ve said, or does Kaala blame herself for the conflict?] this conflict; she always thinks that she is guilty. Afterwards, she does not even find a way to solve this conflict. In this example, we can see that Kaala just knows how to “search” for grief and does not try to find a way to solve the problems. She does not even know that actually causing grief will never help her but hurt her.</p>

<p>Today people are trying so hard to force themselves to do better; one of those people used to study with me in a class, His name is Benjamin. Benjamin was an intelligent, sagacious and affable person. He worked really hard; he always got first place in the class rank. However, I think that sometimes he was trying too hard. Sometimes he told me that he felt melancholic due to his “great” results. He carried so much weight on his shoulders. In fact, in this case, I reckon that he was causing grief for himself. He was already at the top in the class rankings. Why did he still put so much stress on himself? I understand that everyone needs to improve, but Benhamin still worked more than he was supposed to. In this example, we can know that Bemjamin sometimes caused so much grief and he did not know how to appease himself.</p>

<p>In conclusion, through these examples, we could see that Kaala and Bemjamin are those who cause griefs on themselves. People who are like them are always too melancholic and therefore never being able to feel comfortable in this world.</p>

<hr>

<p>Your main problems in this essay are: </p>

<ol>
<li><p>your use of the word “griefs”. You can’t say that in English. “Grief” is a mass noun like “air” – you can have more or less of it, but you can’t have single and plural grief or air the way you can have single or plural tears or birds.</p></li>
<li><p>your approach to punctuation. Even if you have a comma, semicolon or other punctuation mark, you still need a space after it.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>In addition, you are:</p>

<ol>
<li>using a lot of words that a native speaker might not use. It comes off as a little odd to me as a result, but it also makes me notice how well you use grammar. I would imagine that as you read more in English and talk more with English speakers, your word choices would change. For insteance, where you say “Today, people always lament that the world can only give us grief,” I might say, “Today, people always complain that the world is full of grief.” </li>
</ol>

<p>As far as writing a good introduction and conclusion, I’d say you’ve got something of the form. </p>

<p>In the introduction you’re definitely not throwing in a lot of generalities at the start: you get right to the point, which is great. (The writing I’ve seen suggests that many American students take awhile to warm up before they start saying what they really want to say.) Your bring in something about how the world can give us happiness, but in the main part of the essay you never mention happiness. So I might rework your introduction to say:</p>

<p>These days, people always complain that the world brings us nothing but grief. I don’t agree with them. Pessimistic people find grief because they bring it on themselves.</p>

<p>I might make the conclusion tighter than you did, and rework it to say something like:</p>

<p>We see that Kaala and Bemjamin don’t find grief in the world: they bring it on themselves. People who expect bad things to happen often have bad things happen to them, but that doesn’t mean that only bad things happen in the world today.</p>

<p>I want to tell you that I agree with gluttony. Even though it is clear that you’re struggling with the language, it is also clear that you are a good thinker and that you are capable of crafting a good artument.</p>

<p>I hope that this is helpful.</p>

6

<p>thank you nontraditional, your explanation is also helpful to me.</p>

7

<p>Your introduction could be much clearer. I feel you should state outright what the point of your essay is --“People cause grief themselves.” Something like that. Your examples are good, but I feel they could be stronger. Be sure the end of your example paragraphs tie in the example directly to your thesis. I agree with gluttony, your grammar and punctuation are wack. Definitely work on that.</p>

8

<p>Here’s my read, comments in brackets</p>

<p>Today, people always lament that the world can only give us grief [“people always lament” is awkward and should be rephrased]. However,I do not agree with those people, The world can actually give us happiness,hut today pessimistic people only know how to “search” for the griefs [not sure about the use of “I”. Also, I don’t think “seach” (do you mean ‘search’) is the proper way to convery things. I’d also add a transition, those are extremely important as they show that you are demonstrating a relationship between your thesis and your examples].
In the story of “Promise of the Wolves”,by dorothy Hearst,Kaala is a fantastic [Never use the word fantastic. Ever.] example[of this?].Kaala is a little pup that lives with a pack[a pack? could use more sauce] ,and Kaala [ugh, repeating her name twice, pronouns are needed] is not supposed to be close to humans according to the rules of the nature in the story, One day,Kaala finally [finally is ungrammatical here] meets a human girl called Tali, Also,this meeting causes an inevitable conflict between humans and wolves, Kaala keeps on blaming herself due to this conflict;she always thinks that she is guilty, Afterwards,she does not even find a way to solve this conflict [this sentence is an unbelievable run-on]. Through this example,we can see that Kaala just knows how to “search” for the griefs and does not try to find a way to solve the problems, She does not even know that actually causing griefs will never help her,but hurt her.
Today,people are trying so hard to force themselves to do better;one of those people had used to be studying with me in a same class[personal examples are bad], His name is called[uncessary verbiage] Benjamin. Benjamin [pronoun]was an intelligent ,sagacious and affable person. He worked really [awkward use of a superlative is bad] hard; he always got the first place in the class rank[this phrase is ungrammatical]. However,I think that sometimes he was trying too hard[tenses do not match].(Sometimes he told me that he felt melancholic due to his “great” [again, i think ’ ’ is correct here) results.He put so much stress on his “shoulder”.In fact,in this case,I reckon that he was causing griefs for himself [MUST fix the tenses]. He was already on the first place in the class rank,why did he still put so much stress on himself?[rhetorical questions are not meant to be written on the SAT]I understand that no one does not need improvement [I understand no one does not need to use double negatives],but Benhamin still worked more than he was supposed to. In this example,we [keep consistent, we/i vacilating can know that Bemjamin sometimes caused so much griefs and he did not know how to appease by himself[appease is misused].
In conclusion,through these examples,we could see that Kaala and Bemjamin are those who cause griefs on themselves. People who are like them are always being too melancholic and therefore never being able to feel comfortable in this world[awkward, misused words].</p>

<p>You really need to fix your grammar. There are several ways to this, you could self-study with a writing handbook, you could ask for a tutor, or you could read some good books and copy the sentence stucture and punctuation that you find.</p>

<p>Also, I don’t see your two examples working that well together. That definitely could use fixing.</p>