Hi everyone, I am looking to transfer in the fall of 2016 for the UC system and am looking for some feedback on my essays. If you could read through them and provide me with honest feedback I would really appreciate it!
PROMPT 1:What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field — such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities — and what you have gained from your involvement.
When I was 13 years old I saw my brother return from war, unable to walk or care for himself. While the damage combat did to his body was immense, it was nothing compared to the psychological ramifications it had on him. I saw a once carefree, young adult, abruptly consumed with fear, hopelessness, debilitating depression. For the first time in my life I saw the intense repercussions of mental illness. However, it was not until I experienced mental illness myself that I truly grasped the concept. In my junior year of highschool I was brutally sexually assaulted and became pregnant. My life completely changed. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and was hardly able to function due to the debilitating side effects. That was until I met Dr. James G. Shepherd, a clinical psychologist. Not only did Dr. Shepherd give me motivation, he helped me find my passion: the human brain. I was given the gift of being shown the immense power of the human brain and how our own minds can be used to change and create almost anything. When I took my first psychology class in college I knew the second that I was set on majoring in psychology. As I stared at the blackboard and viewed a complex image of the human brain and my professor stated the few words, “the human brain is the most complex thing in the known universe”. I thought about how big the universe was and how small I was compared to it, and that I, and 7 billion other people contain the most powerful, complex entity in the world right inside our skulls. I knew exactly what I was meant to do; I was meant to help others and to try and unlock the secrets of the incredibly complex human mind. After that first class I began to take as many courses related to my major as possible; I could not get enough of what the study had to offer. And while I do not possess ample professional experience in the field of psychology, I believe I bring another invaluable, unique quality that sets me apart from the crowd, that of personal experience. I believe psychology is one of the most interesting, and critical studies of our time as we have so much to learn about the human brain. The complexity of the study, along with its mystery, draw me to this field and have finally made me sure of what it is I was meant to do and be: a psychologist.
PROMPT 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
If I have realized anything in my life it is that tragedy and trial can be turned into driving forces to make one strong, ambitious, and passionate. My junior year I was raped and became pregnant, and decided to keep my child. I graduated high school early and started college while I was still pregnant. I now have a happy one year old who is my world, and seeing his face everyday reminds me exactly what I am working for: to give him and myself the best future possible. Even though my life was flipped upside down, I battled through the mental illness of post traumatic stress disorder and the trials of being a young, single mother, and never let those things stop me from achieving my dreams. These such things have pushed me to be my absolute best and have made me the person I am today. Today I am strong, courageous, determined, and will not let anything or anyone stop me from achieving my dreams. Today I have purpose and passion and my ultimate life goal is to help others, like someone did for me. What has by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced, has shown me my own strength and ability to overcome and prosper. Though my road has in no way been easy, I have balanced being a single mom, overcoming mental illness, and focusing on my education to better myself and to transform my tragedy into triumph.