Well in our case, we married in 1986 and S was born in 1987, so there wasn’t that big a gap of time before we started calling them ethnic grandparent names with their last names. They were very happy!
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Interesting to me the wide variety of answers so my takeaway is do whatever is comfortable for all involved. I used to think everyone called their inlaws Mom and Dad (or the family’s commonly used form) because thats what everyone around me did. Didn’t realize others had a different solution for the discomfort I felt. My sons’ gfs have called me mostly Mrs. Lastname or sometimes Miss (Ms/Miz) Firstname - we live in the South and that seems to be the familiar formal (vs the formal) way to address adults. Close friends’ kids have called us that. It may be a step below calling parents’ friends aunt. Now that they’re older, and one is living with gf, I very recently asked him what he called her parents. He said first names and I told him to tell gf to do the same with us I dont know if I’ll eventually be called Mom by her but I feel more comfortable having her do that than I did using Mom for my MIL (who was much older than my mother).
My kid’s high school friends mostly called me by my first name. If one called me Mrs Lastname I told them to call me by my first name and they usually seemed relieved. But y’know my kids went to an elementary school where students called the teachers by their first names. We are in NC. In our part of the state I usually hear Miss Firstname as something tiny kids say like to their preschool teacher or dance teacher.
I pretty much never like or want to hear Mrs or Ms Lastname from anyone. It’s a sign that I am in an uncomfortable formal situation. I do not like formality at all.
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The boyfriends (both fiances now) call me by my first name, but not often. In fact, one of them I can’t remember ever actually speaking it but he doesn’t say much in general. I can’t wait to be a grandmother and I’m sure they’ll be happy to be able to call me something else.
I wonder if I am unusual. I have always made it a point never to call my parents/in laws by their grandparent names, and I don’t use Dad for my H. If I don’t use Mom, Dad or Kelsmom’sH in speaking about them, I say, “your grandma” or “your grandpa” or “your dad.”
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Probably not unusual. My parents call their parents by their parent name, but when talking to us will usually refer to them by their grandparent names or, occasionally, as “your grandmother / grandfather.” Likewise, when referring to their spouse when talking to us, it’s “your mother/father.”
The thread also got me thinking about how my parents address their in-laws, and I don’t think they use any name. I’ll need to ask them about that.
My kids both expect us to be mom and dad always and get confused if we use anything else.
I don’t call my H “Dad” when speaking TO him, but I do use that when talking to our kids. Like “Dad and I are happy to come by and watch the grands tonight.” My H, though, says “your mother” when talking about me, which I feel kind of distancing. Talking to each other, we use our names, never Dad/Mom or Grandma/Grandpa. I don’t want anyone using those except the actual kids/grandkids when actually addressing me. But when talking to the grandkids, it makes sense for D and SIL to say “Grandma’s here!” not “your grandmother is here.”
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As I said on the ‘What grandparent name do you use’ thread, my mother had thousands (literally thousands) of kids (and more than a few adults) call her Nana, including the actual 10 grandchildren but also the 6 kids, our spouses, friends, all the grandkids’ friends/SOs, my brother’s youth league kids and their parents…and any changes to those people as they came in and out of our lives.
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Cool! Everyone has different preferences, which is grand.
I was born, and have lived my entire life in Ca. All my friends go by first name, the only kid who called me Miss first name had a mother who was from the south. My kids went to a school for several years where all the teachers including the headmaster went by first name. The staff at my dentist call me Mrs last name but the office manager is from Alabama and I think that is how she trained them all.
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I can’t imagine going through years or decades of a relationship and not having a “handle” to directly address someone – whether it’s “Mom” or “First Name” or whatever.
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All of D and S’s friends call me by my first name. If they ever called me Mrs. H, I asked them to please call me by my first name. SIL has always called me Nana. Even before they got married and had children, I was Nana to their dog and took care of her several days/nights each week.
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I was just going to say that in my culture everyone is called by their first name by everyone else. Maybe it’s because I’m from California? I didn’t do it so much as a child to adults, probably because my mother was from the south, but my children did. Including some teachers, pastors, etc. Honorifics just weren’t a thing. We do call aunt/uncles/grandparents by their title plus first name. Anyway, I should check in with my sons-in-law. I think they call me by my first name but maybe they are doing the “never use a name” thing.
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When I was young, we called all adults Mr or Mrs. last names, and in a very few cases Uncle XX (my father’s unmarried frat brother was Uncle Louie). When I was 4 or 5 I was told when ladies get married they change their names. I was excited. I was going to change my name to Melissa! My mother’s maiden name was Carroll, I knew a few people named Carol (and one man named Carroll, but I couldn’t spell at that time so all their names were Carol and thus I was convinced my mother had changed her name from Carol to Mary).
The lady next door’s name was Virginia and I asked her what her name was when she was little. She didn’t understand. She told me just Virginia.
Of course I called her Mrs. Wright, but I just couldn’t figure out why she passed on the opportunity to change from Virginia to something really great. Like Melissa.
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